Feeling extremely disturbed right now... update (just a rant pretty much)

levioosa · November 2014

This is shitty. I don't really have much to add to what PPs have already said regarding slight name changes and triple checking your privacy settings. I would just like to offer hugs and support. Keep rocking on and living life with confidence and zest. That motherfucker isn't worth your time or energy, so don't let him hold your mind hostage. Hugs, again.

sophhabobopha · November 2014

What the fuck. Stay safe, lady!

emmaaa · November 2014

That's very scary. I'm so sorry you had to live through that pain again. You did the right thing in blocking her!

alpacalunch · November 2014

I really have nothing useful to add here, but do know that you haven't done anything wrong, and protecting yourself however you see fit is entirely appropriate. This sounds pretty darn scary, so focus on you here.

novella1186 · November 2014

I'm even more pissed now because I just removed stuff like my company I work for from Facebook. So it's like back when I first left for college and everything had to be a big secret and I had to hide all the time and feel paranoid and unsafe. I couldn't even give my new address to my own friends *just in case.* There was no safe place for me to go, he invaded everything. I would hide out at my friend's house and he'd drive around to all their houses till he found which one my car was at, and then he'd smash all our cars' tail lights or egg all of our cars. So even the people around me weren't safe from him. I'm just. So. Pissed.

alpacalunch · November 2014

I really have nothing useful to add here, but do know that you haven't done anything wrong, and protecting yourself however you see fit is entirely appropriate. This sounds pretty darn scary, so focus on you here.

morphemes · November 2014

kat1114 said:

I'm not sure how, but I know you can turn off the ability for people to send you friend requests. That might help for future run-ins. Also, have you considered using a fake name or a version of your name on Facebook? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at all!

Really scary! I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I know it's hard when something seems like a lifetime ago and suddenly it's brought up again.

Be careful with the bolded because even if you change your name on Facebook you can be found by searching for any name you ever used. So it doesn't really achieve what it should.

theycallmelinz · November 2014

You may not even want to know, but did you check your messages to see if she had tried to contact you? FB often puts messages from non-friends in your 'Other' inbox. I only know becauas recently an ex's wife friended me too, and I was like wtf? I checked my messages jic and there it was, a message from her.

Other than that, I don't have anything to add other than Ive been there too. It's so scary to be in that situation to begin with, and then to think things are wonderful and one day get that blast of reality in the form of social media. Be safe!! I would also tell FI just so someone else is aware of the situation.

novella1186 · November 2014

lulu411 said:

You may not even want to know, but did you check your messages to see if she had tried to contact you? FB often puts messages from non-friends in your 'Other' inbox. I only know becauas recently an ex's wife friended me too, and I was like wtf? I checked my messages jic and there it was, a message from her. Other than that, I don't have anything to add other than Ive been there too. It's so scary to be in that situation to begin with, and then to think things are wonderful and one day get that blast of reality in the form of social media. Be safe!! I would also tell FI just so someone else is aware of the situation.

Thank you, I had no idea the "other" inbox existed. I just checked it, and luckily it was just spam mail from stupid companies.

HaileyDancingbear · November 2014

novella1186 said: I've mentioned this a few times before; I dated a total psycho when I was in high school. He fit every characteristic of a sociopath; he lied, manipulated, convinced me that I was ugly and worthless, convinced me my own family and friends didn't even like me, convinced me no one would ever love me, and beat the crap out of me. After I broke up with him he stalked and harassed me for years and even tried to strangle me to death. The restraining order didn't help at all.

Things got better when I went away to college. I blocked his email address, his phone number, and blocked him from my social media accounts. Because of him I also had to cut off contact with almost all of my friends from high school because he would use them to get information on me. Sometimes they didn't even realize that's what he was doing. And he'd still find creepy ways to get to me. After I blocked his number, he'd steal other people's phones and call me. To this day I do not answer the phone if I don't recognize the number.

I've had friends of his tell me that he was so desperate to find me, or find information on me, that they stopped hanging out with him because they were so disturbed by his behavior and his obsession with me. The last time I heard anything about any of this, though, was about 6 years ago. To me, all this trauma is dead and gone. It's in the past, it doesn't affect me anymore, and I'm ok now. I'm in a good place and in a healthy relationship, and I like my life and like who I am as a person. It took me years to recover from what he did. At one point -- in the midst of his torment-- I had to be on multiple anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications and my hair was falling out from stress.

Well, a little bit ago I saw that I had a friend request on facebook from some girl I'd never even heard of. Her last name was the same as psycho's last name. Out of curiosity, I clicked on her photo, and sure enough there she was with psycho. Apparently she's his wife. Why the fuck would that guy's WIFE want to add me on facebook? Why. Obviously he still talks about me all these years later (we broke up 11 or 12 years ago and my last direct contact with him was probably 10 years ago) because obviously his wife knows who I am. Why does he still mention me? Just why. Why do I even cross his mind? Even back when he used to stalk me I never understood why he even cared enough to spend the effort. Why pay any attention to me at all? What's the point?

I just feel like my personal world has been invaded. I blocked his wife and made sure he's still blocked too. I don't understand how she even found me, because I have so many privacy settings that when I searched for myself on my friend's computer, even I couldn't find me on facebook. And I'm pissed that it's bothering me this much. I'm pissed that I'm even spending time thinking about it. I just went through and deleted people that could potentially still be connected with him, because I don't want him knowing one single thing about me. This is just being back way too many terrible memories and I fucking hate it.

-----------------------------------DIY Quote box because it isn't showing up----------------------------

She probably heard a little too much about you and got jealous/angry that her husband is still talking about a girl he dated 10 years ago- she probably thought "What makes her so fucking special??" and friended you so she could snoop around. Chances are she just wanted to compare your photos to hers to see who is prettier, and then nit-pick all the stuff you post looking for reasons to say you're a bad person. Super bitchy, but it wouldn't really affect you, just her.

OR she heard a lot about you from her husband, thinks it's awful how he treated you, and wants to apologize on his behalf. Although if that's true I don't think she'd blame you for not wanting contact with her and I don't think she'll try contacting you again. Being married to him doesn't automatically mean she is anywhere near as bad as he was, but even if she has the best intentions on the planet, you have every right in the world to sever every single possible tie with him.

novella1186 · November 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

novella1186 said:

I've mentioned this a few times before; I dated a total psycho when I was in high school. He fit every characteristic of a sociopath; he lied, manipulated, convinced me that I was ugly and worthless, convinced me my own family and friends didn't even like me, convinced me no one would ever love me, and beat the crap out of me. After I broke up with him he stalked and harassed me for years and even tried to strangle me to death. The restraining order didn't help at all.

Things got better when I went away to college. I blocked his email address, his phone number, and blocked him from my social media accounts. Because of him I also had to cut off contact with almost all of my friends from high school because he would use them to get information on me. Sometimes they didn't even realize that's what he was doing. And he'd still find creepy ways to get to me. After I blocked his number, he'd steal other people's phones and call me. To this day I do not answer the phone if I don't recognize the number.

I've had friends of his tell me that he was so desperate to find me, or find information on me, that they stopped hanging out with him because they were so disturbed by his behavior and his obsession with me. The last time I heard anything about any of this, though, was about 6 years ago. To me, all this trauma is dead and gone. It's in the past, it doesn't affect me anymore, and I'm ok now. I'm in a good place and in a healthy relationship, and I like my life and like who I am as a person. It took me years to recover from what he did. At one point -- in the midst of his torment-- I had to be on multiple anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications and my hair was falling out from stress.

Well, a little bit ago I saw that I had a friend request on facebook from some girl I'd never even heard of. Her last name was the same as psycho's last name. Out of curiosity, I clicked on her photo, and sure enough there she was with psycho. Apparently she's his wife. Why the fuck would that guy's WIFE want to add me on facebook? Why. Obviously he still talks about me all these years later (we broke up 11 or 12 years ago and my last direct contact with him was probably 10 years ago) because obviously his wife knows who I am. Why does he still mention me? Just why. Why do I even cross his mind? Even back when he used to stalk me I never understood why he even cared enough to spend the effort. Why pay any attention to me at all? What's the point?

I just feel like my personal world has been invaded. I blocked his wife and made sure he's still blocked too. I don't understand how she even found me, because I have so many privacy settings that when I searched for myself on my friend's computer, even I couldn't find me on facebook. And I'm pissed that it's bothering me this much. I'm pissed that I'm even spending time thinking about it. I just went through and deleted people that could potentially still be connected with him, because I don't want him knowing one single thing about me. This is just being back way too many terrible memories and I fucking hate it.

-----------------------------------DIY Quote box because it isn't showing up----------------------------

She probably heard a little too much about you and got jealous/angry that her husband is still talking about a girl he dated 10 years ago- she probably thought "What makes her so fucking special??" and friended you so she could snoop around. Chances are she just wanted to compare your photos to hers to see who is prettier, and then nit-pick all the stuff you post looking for reasons to say you're a bad person. Super bitchy, but it wouldn't really affect you, just her.

OR she heard a lot about you from her husband, thinks it's awful how he treated you, and wants to apologize on his behalf. Although if that's true I don't think she'd blame you for not wanting contact with her and I don't think she'll try contacting you again. Being married to him doesn't automatically mean she is anywhere near as bad as he was, but even if she has the best intentions on the planet, you have every right in the world to sever every single possible tie with him.

it just makes me shudder to think of him talking about me all these years later, but I hope the second thing is the case. I hate wondering why. Why why why.

ETF: quote boxes are being so weird

levioosa · November 2014

morphemes said:

kat1114 said:

I'm not sure how, but I know you can turn off the ability for people to send you friend requests. That might help for future run-ins. Also, have you considered using a fake name or a version of your name on Facebook? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at all!

Really scary! I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I know it's hard when something seems like a lifetime ago and suddenly it's brought up again.

Be careful with the bolded because even if you change your name on Facebook you can be found by searching for any name you ever used. So it doesn't really achieve what it should.

Ew, what? Fucking facebook.

theycallmelinz · November 2014

levioosa said:

morphemes said:

kat1114 said:

I'm not sure how, but I know you can turn off the ability for people to send you friend requests. That might help for future run-ins. Also, have you considered using a fake name or a version of your name on Facebook? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at all!

Really scary! I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I know it's hard when something seems like a lifetime ago and suddenly it's brought up again.

Be careful with the bolded because even if you change your name on Facebook you can be found by searching for any name you ever used. So it doesn't really achieve what it should.

Ew, what? Fucking facebook.

Things like this make me really want to just delete my Facebook altogether. I don't really know why I still have one. The people I care about talking to I would stay in touch with anyway, and I don't like that anybody can find me no matter how strict my privacy settings are. I do like knowing what's going on with certain people that I don't talk to often (not like oooh I'm nosy and wanna see what they're up to, more like hey she got a new job/house/etc. that's cool!), but all that aside, I don't know that it's worth it anymore.

novella1186 · November 2014

lulu411 said:

levioosa said:

morphemes said:

kat1114 said:

I'm not sure how, but I know you can turn off the ability for people to send you friend requests. That might help for future run-ins. Also, have you considered using a fake name or a version of your name on Facebook? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at all!

Really scary! I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I know it's hard when something seems like a lifetime ago and suddenly it's brought up again.

Be careful with the bolded because even if you change your name on Facebook you can be found by searching for any name you ever used. So it doesn't really achieve what it should.

Ew, what? Fucking facebook.

Things like this make me really want to just delete my Facebook altogether. I don't really know why I still have one. The people I care about talking to I would stay in touch with anyway, and I don't like that anybody can find me no matter how strict my privacy settings are. I do like knowing what's going on with certain people that I don't talk to often (not like oooh I'm nosy and wanna see what they're up to, more like hey she got a new job/house/etc. that's cool!), but all that aside, I don't know that it's worth it anymore.

Yeah I actually did change my last name once to my grandma's maiden name to try and protect myself but if you typed in my original last name it still found me on facebook.

I've considered deleting it too but my relatives are scattered all over the country and all over the world (a few cousins live in Japan, 2 cousins are in Spain, my aunt is in Canada, and in the US we're literally scattered from coast to coast, north to south) so I love using favebook to keep up with all of them. I'm pretty selective about who I have as "friends" on facebook, and I don't post very personal info on there, but even then I feel like there's just too much info on me available on the web and it's creepy.

larrygaga · November 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

I'm so bothered. It probably IS him using her account. Are you prettier than her? But poor girl. She was probably threatened or guilted into marrying him.

why does that matter

esstee33 · November 2014

lulu411 said:

levioosa said:

morphemes said:

kat1114 said:

I'm not sure how, but I know you can turn off the ability for people to send you friend requests. That might help for future run-ins. Also, have you considered using a fake name or a version of your name on Facebook? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at all!

Really scary! I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I know it's hard when something seems like a lifetime ago and suddenly it's brought up again.

Be careful with the bolded because even if you change your name on Facebook you can be found by searching for any name you ever used. So it doesn't really achieve what it should.

Ew, what? Fucking facebook.

Things like this make me really want to just delete my Facebook altogether. I don't really know why I still have one. The people I care about talking to I would stay in touch with anyway, and I don't like that anybody can find me no matter how strict my privacy settings are. I do like knowing what's going on with certain people that I don't talk to often (not like oooh I'm nosy and wanna see what they're up to, more like hey she got a new job/house/etc. that's cool!), but all that aside, I don't know that it's worth it anymore.

I deleted mine totally a couple months ago and it's been wonderful. I never realized how much of my day I spent mindlessly scrolling my feed, despite having already read everything on it, and how little I cared about anything I just read.

Now I spend my day reading articles on Flipboard instead.

novella1186 · November 2014

Ok. I just need to vent really quick. It's kind of funny that in the same week I posted this thread and also a thread about people one-upping you on bad things with stuff like "well at least my situation isn't happening to you cuz mine is so much worse!"

Well I have a co-worker that I would consider a friend. We confide in each other a lot. I've told her about my psycho ex before because she also has a psycho ex, but their breakup is more recent so she's still dealing with his bad behavior on occasion.

I'm still a little bothered by what happened yesterday with the facebook thing (the OP of this thread) so I decided to confide in her about it just because usually talking about it helps me calm down. She immediately jumped to complaining about something her ex did which was way worse. Yes, I know what he did. You've told me 7 times and you hijacked our entire morning meeting yesterday to vent about it which was fine. I understand that it's upsetting and frustrating, and I want to be here for you and let you know that I sympathize.

But jesus fucking christ. I didn't even get to finish telling her what JUST happened to me. She went off the deep end with "well I HATE my ex cuz of this and I hate when he does xyz and it's not fair and on and on and on." She really stole the show on that one. Basically said what happened to me doesn't matter cuz her situation is SO much worse and her ex is SO much worse.

Why are we competing over who has the biggest psycho ex? Again, all I wanted to do was tell her about this incident that JUST happened, and I didn't even get to tell her. Just because she's dealing with shit too doesn't mean that what happened to me doesn't matter and that I'm not allowed to be bothered by it.

End rant.

penguin44 · November 2014

novella1186 said:

Ok. I just need to vent really quick. It's kind of funny that in the same week I posted this thread and also a thread about people one-upping you on bad things with stuff like "well at least my situation isn't happening to you cuz mine is so much worse!"

Well I have a co-worker that I would consider a friend. We confide in each other a lot. I've told her about my psycho ex before because she also has a psycho ex, but their breakup is more recent so she's still dealing with his bad behavior on occasion.

I'm still a little bothered by what happened yesterday with the facebook thing (the OP of this thread) so I decided to confide in her about it just because usually talking about it helps me calm down. She immediately jumped to complaining about something her ex did which was way worse. Yes, I know what he did. You've told me 7 times and you hijacked our entire morning meeting yesterday to vent about it which was fine. I understand that it's upsetting and frustrating, and I want to be here for you and let you know that I sympathize.

But jesus fucking christ. I didn't even get to finish telling her what JUST happened to me. She went off the deep end with "well I HATE my ex cuz of this and I hate when he does xyz and it's not fair and on and on and on." She really stole the show on that one. Basically said what happened to me doesn't matter cuz her situation is SO much worse and her ex is SO much worse.

Why are we competing over who has the biggest psycho ex? Again, all I wanted to do was tell her about this incident that JUST happened, and I didn't even get to tell her. Just because she's dealing with shit too doesn't mean that what happened to me doesn't matter and that I'm not allowed to be bothered by it.

End rant.

I hate when that happens.

emmaaa · November 2014

That's so frustrating!

levioosa · November 2014

=( At least you can vent to us!

Actually, I wanted to tell you what happened the other day with me and my ex! It's totally worse than your story!

Just kidding.

*more hugs*

sophhabobopha · November 2014

Ugh how rude!

novella1186 · November 2014

levioosa lol! And yeah, I am so so so glad, once again, that I have TK! If I didn't have you wonderful knotties to vent to and rant with and whatever, I'd either explode or drive my FI insane. Thanks, everyone!

Feeling extremely disturbed right now... update (just a rant pretty much)

Re: Feeling extremely disturbed right now... update (just a rant pretty much)

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