Another Social Media Question

psiloveyouu · November 2014

FI and I recently received our STDs that we ordered. It doesn't have too much information (full names, wedding date and city) but it does have one of our engagement pictures on it, which I purposely didn't share with anyone because I knew I wanted it to be used for this purpose.

When we received the STDs, I took a picture and sent to the VIPs only (mother, grandmother and FMIL) just because I thought they may like to see the finished product as they gave feedback into which photo should be used.

FMIL doesn't respond to my message, however I receive a notification minutes later that the photo has been uploaded to Facebook and both me and FI are tagged. I panicked and texted her politely asking her to please remove it, as we aren't going to be sending them for another couple of months and don't want everyone to see them now. Additionally, there are several people on our shared friends lists who will not be invited - I don't want them to have to see that and then not receive anything (or worse - assume because it was shared online that they too will be invited)

She did take it down, but then told me that I was being silly and paranoid and I immediately felt bad. I know she's a little offended that I asked her to take it down and I can only blame myself for sending it in the first place.

I feel like a control freak but at the same time, I am so relieved that the picture is gone. What's the point of paying for the printing and postage if it's just going to be posted online for all to see?

I would appreciate some feedback on the etiquette surrounding this. I am thinking I was allowed to be annoyed but shouldn't have asked her to remove...

I know I could have avoided this altogether by not sending her the picture in the first place, but I would have never thought she would post it online. Is there any way I can fix this at this point? Or just chalk it up as lesson learned?

Thanks!

sarawifenow · November 2014

You were completely within your rights to ask her to remove the picture. I think it was tacky that she posted it at all.

Is your FMIL paying for the wedding at all? If not, stop talking wedding/sending wedding-related pics her way.

jenijoyk · November 2014

This happened to us to. FFIL posted a photo of our STDs to our wedding website... so at least it wasn't facebook, but we hadn't sent STDs to everyone - just out of towners and people we knew would be in the wedding party. We were scared everyone who didn't get one but saw it on the website would think they were B listed or something terrible. Luckily we caught it within a few days...

So no, you are totally not being crazytown. Nothing wedding-invite related should be on social media...

lovegood90 · November 2014

sarawifenow said:

You were completely within your rights to ask her to remove the picture. I think it was tacky that she posted it at all.

Is your FMIL paying for the wedding at all? If not, stop talking wedding/sending wedding-related pics her way.

Agree with this. I think your FMIL was out of line; it's not her picture to post. You shouldn't have to be afraid that everything you send people you're close to will end up online for random people to see.

novella1186 · November 2014

I don't think you were out of line at all. I think she was out of line for publicly posting something that was none of her business to post. And then to say you're being paranoid for wanting it taken down? That's annoying. You did the right thing, IMO. From here on out, just stop worrying about it and limit what you share with her.

climbingsingle · November 2014

Your FMIL was totally in the wrong. That's not something that should be posted on Facebook at all. And you were right to ask her to take it down.

At least now you know you can't send her anything else!

psiloveyouu · November 2014

Thanks for all responses, I feel a lot better now and will not send anything wedding - related again.

What are your feelings on the subject when it comes to people posting pictures of STDs and/or invites that they received in the mail? Is it the same thing or are they entitled to post because technically it's "theirs" at that point?

Don't get me wrong, I would not want to have this conversation again by asking anyone to remove anything, but just wondering if this is considered inappropriate as well?

sarawifenow · November 2014

psiloveyouu said:

Thanks for all responses, I feel a lot better now and will not send anything wedding - related again. What are your feelings on the subject when it comes to people posting pictures of STDs and/or invites that they received in the mail? Is it the same thing or are they entitled to post because technically it's "theirs" at that point? Don't get me wrong, I would not want to have this conversation again by asking anyone to remove anything, but just wondering if this is considered inappropriate as well?

I still think this is inappropriate. If a couple wants to post an invitation on facebook, they will. There is no reason to post something like that.

crackktheskyy · November 2014

psiloveyouu said:

Thanks for all responses, I feel a lot better now and will not send anything wedding - related again. What are your feelings on the subject when it comes to people posting pictures of STDs and/or invites that they received in the mail? Is it the same thing or are they entitled to post because technically it's "theirs" at that point? Don't get me wrong, I would not want to have this conversation again by asking anyone to remove anything, but just wondering if this is considered inappropriate as well?

You definitely were not in the wrong. How nice of you to do your best to include your FMIL in the first place! I'm sorry your kind gesture has resulted in a somewhat uncomfortable position.

As for social media and invitations....I don't know. It's so awkward. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind people posting photos of weddings (in fact, I love seeing photos of weddings on Facebook!) but after our save-the-dates went out, I too felt this sense of discomfort. Various people posted on my Facebook wall that they received the save the date and that they are so excited. It's rather uncomfortable.

I sort of just thanked my lucky stars for the friends that were polite enough to send private text messages.

Also, I totally get your pain with parents sharing info not to be shared. My stepmom showed her entire family the photos of me in my dress (not even in the right size!) after I had explicitly asked that the photos not be shown or distributed to anyone. I was definitely a little sour about it!

climbingsingle · November 2014

I still think it's inappropriate for that to be shared on Facebook. It doesn't belong there. If the couple themselves want to post it, ehhhhh....I guess. But it shouldn't be posted by guests.

novella1186 · November 2014

psiloveyouu said:

Thanks for all responses, I feel a lot better now and will not send anything wedding - related again. What are your feelings on the subject when it comes to people posting pictures of STDs and/or invites that they received in the mail? Is it the same thing or are they entitled to post because technically it's "theirs" at that point? Don't get me wrong, I would not want to have this conversation again by asking anyone to remove anything, but just wondering if this is considered inappropriate as well?

Again, I think people would be out of line by posting this. I have a psycho ex who stalked me and is apparently still trying to find me, so to me someone posting personal stuff about me puts my safety at risk. That's why it's best to err on the side of caution. You never know what someone's dealing with and what they do or do not want shared, and what kind of trouble you could be causing by sharing their stuff. So just don't do it!

psiloveyouu · November 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:
I still think it's inappropriate for that to be shared on Facebook. It doesn't belong there. If the couple themselves want to post it, ehhhhh....I guess. But it shouldn't be posted by guests.

I agree and I'm so happy someone else does too! FI thinks it's annoying but "it's what people do on social media" and to be expected.

I asked because I know his family very well and I would go so far as to say that I guarantee that at least one person will post the actual invitation online, which sucks because we have to make major cuts to our guest list so not everyone who sees it will be getting one. But at that point, it would be just something we would have to deal with.

BrandNewJ · November 2014

psiloveyouu said:

I still think it's inappropriate for that to be shared on Facebook. It doesn't belong there. If the couple themselves want to post it, ehhhhh....I guess. But it shouldn't be posted by guests.
I agree and I'm so happy someone else does too! FI thinks it's annoying but "it's what people do on social media" and to be expected. I asked because I know his family very well and I would go so far as to say that I guarantee that at least one person will post the actual invitation online, which sucks because we have to make major cuts to our guest list so not everyone who sees it will be getting one. But at that point, it would be just something we would have to deal with.

If they post your wedding invitation you should definitely have them take it down immediately. Like Novella said, there are real life dangers associated with giving away someone else's personal information. I would never want to put someone I love in that position. You have every right to ask for it too. Yes, it's their piece of paper, but it's your event that is not open to the public. Edit: autocorrect

jenijoyk · November 2014

Yeah I would totally ask a guest to take down a photo of my invite or STD. Do people really do this? It's rude to gloat about being invited to a party that others aren't. I would just politely say to the guest, "I'm so glad you got our invite! Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to and so we were hoping to keep the invite off facebook, if that's ok. Do you mind taking it down? Can't wait to see you at the wedding!"

Plus, besides hurting the feelings of people you weren't able to (or didn't want to) invite, you don't want a bunch of people stalking your wedding website (if the link is on your invite), or worse yet, crashing/stalking your wedding.

ohannabelle · November 2014

It's no different than real life etiquette- you don't wave invitations around in front of people who may not have been invited. Security as well, of course. But you were correct, she was wrong.

Jen4948 · November 2014

No, I think you were fine to ask that the photos not be posted on Facebook because people not invited might see them and get the wrong idea-not to mention safety issues.

Now you know not to share anything with your FMIL you don't want posted on Facebook.

weddingcactus · November 2014

I strongly believe that nothing invitation-wise should ever be posted on social media for so many reasons: safety/security, hurt feelings, ruining the surprise/joy of a expensive stationary, etc. Sadly I think there are so many people out there who simply do not understand that not everything belongs on social media!! Your FMIL was out of line and you were well within your rights to ask her to take it down. If she's still miffed, I'd have your fiance kindly explain these reasons to her. Hopefully she will be reasonable and understand her mistake.

ReginaLambert13 · November 2014

100% I think it's a bad idea to post pics of invites online. YES, people can interpret that as being invited. It's happened before and will happen again. Honestly, anything wedding related is risky, but the invite? Not good. Plus, I TOTALLY see your thing about it ruining the surprise.

I am going to try very hard to only share a few bits over the planning period because I really don't want everyone to know what I've planned and ruin the "wow". I will post a few bits probably, but if anyone asks I have an easy out that we are having a super tiny wedding and our venue even has a guest cap.

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