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Cash Bar

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Re: Cash Bar

  • Honestly, if these are friends that you typically drink with often and enjoy their alcohol then it is probably safe to assume that there will be alcohol at their wedding.  But it would not be rude of them to have a dry wedding and it would not be rude of them to not tell you that ahead of time. Alcohol is never a requirement.  For example I had multiple stations at my wedding.  I did not tell every guest what exactly we were serving in regards to food.  They found that out when they came to my wedding.  Same with the bar.  I didn't make a point in telling people we were having an open bar, they found that out when they arrived.

    That's different though, because nobody would ever spend money on a hotel or something in anticipation of food.  If my friends with whom I drink socially hosted a wedding an hour outside of DC, I would likely get a hotel room because I would assume I might be drunk.  I'm not saying it would be rude of them NOT to tell me if it was dry, but I might be slightly annoyed (in part with myself) for spending money on a hotel that I didn't need because the wedding was dry
  • dcbride86 said:

    That's different though, because nobody would ever spend money on a hotel or something in anticipation of food.  If my friends with whom I drink socially hosted a wedding an hour outside of DC, I would likely get a hotel room because I would assume I might be drunk.  I'm not saying it would be rude of them NOT to tell me if it was dry, but I might be slightly annoyed (in part with myself) for spending money on a hotel that I didn't need because the wedding was dry
    You can be annoyed all you want, but they have no obligation to tell you yes or no as to whether they are serving alcohol.  You are choosing to book a hotel room under the assumption that you expect alcohol to be served.  If it is not served you have no right to be annoyed at the hosts of the event because you decided to assume something.

    If for the next wedding you go to that you may book a hotel room for, simply asks the hosts if alcohol will be provided because you want to make suitable arrangements for the evening.

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  • You can be annoyed all you want, but they have no obligation to tell you yes or no as to whether they are serving alcohol.  You are choosing to book a hotel room under the assumption that you expect alcohol to be served.  If it is not served you have no right to be annoyed at the hosts of the event because you decided to assume something.

    If for the next wedding you go to that you may book a hotel room for, simply asks the hosts if alcohol will be provided because you want to make suitable arrangements for the evening.
    Like I said, I would mostly be annoyed with myself.  I wouldn't be annoyed with THEM at all - I would be annoyed with myself and the situation generally.  What I meant was that I would be annoyed with myself for NOT asking them before booking.  I'm sorry if I was unclear :)
  • This is true I agree, however after looking over the website I find no board dedicated to opinions or guest expectations. The best outlet for these questions defaults to your etiquette board, so if you could refer me to a place where this would be better suited that would be great. I came here in the understanding it was a discussion board not a place of absolutes, once the absolute etiquette answer is found which you have clearly posted a number of times, why not have a discussion where people could voice opinions without being ostracized as bad planners who cant afford their own wedding.
    These boards are for everyone - brides, grooms, BMs/GMs, moms/dads, guests, etc. But mostly, the questions posed are by people planning weddings. 

    It would be rude of a guest to demand that something is served - whether that be alcohol, filet mignon, ice cream, etc. 

    Personally, I'm a drinker. Love my bourbon. But if I go to a wedding (as a guest) and it's a dry wedding, I would be the rude one if I pitched a fit about it. My etiquette obligation as a guest is to graciously accept what is hosted. However, as a guest, you CAN expect to be properly hosted.

    Does that make sense?
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  • dcbride86 said:
    Like I said, I would mostly be annoyed with myself.  I wouldn't be annoyed with THEM at all - I would be annoyed with myself and the situation generally.  What I meant was that I would be annoyed with myself for NOT asking them before booking.  I'm sorry if I was unclear :)
    Oh, my bad.  I get what you are saying :)

    But for any lurkers out there, if you book a hotel room under the assumption that you are going to get a bit buzzed by drinking all the alcohol at the wedding, only to then find out it is a dry event, you should not be annoyed or angry with the hosts because they did not inform you of this.

  • dcbride86 said:
    Like I said, I would mostly be annoyed with myself.  I wouldn't be annoyed with THEM at all - I would be annoyed with myself and the situation generally.  What I meant was that I would be annoyed with myself for NOT asking them before booking.  I'm sorry if I was unclear :)
    I totally bring up in conversation alcohol at the wedding with my friend in conversation. I would never book a hotel or taxi without this info. I don't think it's rude to ask so you can be prepared. 

     One of the heaviest drinkers in college I know had a dry wedding - it was lunch without a DJ, so I didn't really want to drink anyway - but it taught me never to assume based on my friends' drinking habits that there would or wold not be alcohol at the wedding.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • dcbride86 said:

    You can be annoyed all you want, but they have no obligation to tell you yes or no as to whether they are serving alcohol.  You are choosing to book a hotel room under the assumption that you expect alcohol to be served.  If it is not served you have no right to be annoyed at the hosts of the event because you decided to assume something.

    If for the next wedding you go to that you may book a hotel room for, simply asks the hosts if alcohol will be provided because you want to make suitable arrangements for the evening.



    Like I said, I would mostly be annoyed with myself.  I wouldn't be annoyed with THEM at all - I would be annoyed with myself and the situation generally.  What I meant was that I would be annoyed with myself for NOT asking them before booking.  I'm sorry if I was unclear :)


    You're fine then. But like Maggie said earlier, you can ask the hosts so that you can make proper plans.
  • @Maggie0829 & @Photokitty - I'm SO glad I saw these posts before ever being in this type of situation!  Like I said before, I've never been to a dry wedding and could see myself assuming a wedding would have alcohol and booking a hotel, and then feeling very dumb and being annoyed with myself for doing so.

    Thanks so much! :)

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    Sometimes assumptions are based on history.  I've never attended a wedding that didn't have an open bar.  I've been attending weddings for 40 years.   I've never attended any family event that didn't have alcohol served.       

    In the same note, I've never attended a thanksgiving dinner that didn't have turkey and mashed potatoes.

    When you have a history of over 40 years worth of turkeys on Thanksgiving you are going to assume there is turkey at the next thanksgiving dinner.  Same with alcohol with me. If every family wedding you have been to in the last 40 years has had an open bar you are going to assume there is alcohol at the next one you attend.

    Is it wrong that I assume?  Probably , but I think it's normal when you have the history I have with how people host.   Will I be mad if I showed up with alcohol?  No, but I will be slightly disappointed.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Then you cannot afford your venue and you planned poorly. You should have either a.) picked a place that you can afford to host everyone properly or b.) held it at your venue and had a dry wedding. Don't punish your guests because you can't budget and plan properly. 

    Running out of anything at a hosted event is rude and poor planning. The problem is beverages and food are different. If you are hosting drinks they need to stay the same the whole night. See the what I posted about above about the wedding I went to where they had this. 
    THIS.

    We loved our venue. The day we walked in we loved it. We also enjoyed a few other venues - but knew we couldn't afford to properly host people at another venue we loved - so we didn't pick that location.

    We based our location and guest list size on our budgets. And you should do the same. If you didn't - you planned poorly. Step back and figure out budgets for everything and figure out ways to host appropriately and to your budget. You may have to get creative - but you're the only person who could have prevented this.

    Cash bars are rude. Plain and simple. 
  • Honestly, if as your guest I found out halfway through your reception that you had capped the bar at a certain $ limit and now i was expected to pay for my own drinks, I would think you were tacky and would side eye your event.  Either pay for your guests drinks or don't.  I would feel the same way if you paid for a certain # of appetizers and then when you ran out, you asked your guests to pay for more food if they were still hungry.  Tacky.  It's YOUR wedding, it's YOUR responsibility to pay for your guests to celebrate YOUR event.  End of story.
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  • I once went to a wedding like this. People heard there was a limit to the bar, and a few started ordering double and triple drinks to line them up. There was even one guy sitting at a table with 5 pints in front of him that was meant to last him the night. Of course, he got them all free. However, the bar ran dry in 1.5 hours, and all I got was a measly small glass of white wine before it switched to cash. I didn't realise there was a limit so when I went to get my second glass of wine, I had to borrow money from a friend (I didn't have cash on me). It was embarrassing! 
    THIS!!!  I have had this happen to me SO many times at wedding where the couple only hosts the cocktail hour or dinner but not the whole night. People will load up on alcohol because they fear the tap will run dry. Also, several people will drink SO much more on a pre-dinner empty stomach - leading to more drunky people for a longer duraiton of the night. So if you're hoping a limit will help limit the number of drunks - think otherwise. Chances are they will just get wasted quicker and be wasted for longer.

  • Thank you very much for letting me know about the polling option it will be a good gauge for me. I did take your advice and moved my question to the budget wedding page as maybe this is more of the type of thing I'm looking for rather than etiquette.
    Um, you're going to get the same advice there.  Rude is rude no matter what board you post on.  


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  • sjf2715 said:
    THIS!!!  I have had this happen to me SO many times at wedding where the couple only hosts the cocktail hour or dinner but not the whole night. People will load up on alcohol because they fear the tap will run dry. Also, several people will drink SO much more on a pre-dinner empty stomach - leading to more drunky people for a longer duraiton of the night. So if you're hoping a limit will help limit the number of drunks - think otherwise. Chances are they will just get wasted quicker and be wasted for longer.
    I'll actually admit to doing this at the first wedding I ever attended as an adult of legal drinking age. The first of my friends got married the summer after college. We found out the bar would close for 2 hours over dinner and cake cutting, but would re-open afterwards during the dancing. So we went and got like 3-4 drinks each to last us while it was closed. Pretty embarrassed by that. 

    The bar closing was actually the venue's solution - in that state, the bar at an event can only be open for so many hours, so they regularly close the bar during dinner so that it can be open until later in the evening. I'm not sure what etiquette would say about those two options; probably the correct thing is to end the event when the bar must be closed and then have an after-party. 
  • I'll actually admit to doing this at the first wedding I ever attended as an adult of legal drinking age. The first of my friends got married the summer after college. We found out the bar would close for 2 hours over dinner and cake cutting, but would re-open afterwards during the dancing. So we went and got like 3-4 drinks each to last us while it was closed. Pretty embarrassed by that. 

    The bar closing was actually the venue's solution - in that state, the bar at an event can only be open for so many hours, so they regularly close the bar during dinner so that it can be open until later in the evening. I'm not sure what etiquette would say about those two options; probably the correct thing is to end the event when the bar must be closed and then have an after-party. 
    That's... weird. But, if it's a law in the state, there's only so much you can do.

    They didn't make the bar a cash bar during those couple hours, so not a huge deal.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • I'll actually admit to doing this at the first wedding I ever attended as an adult of legal drinking age. The first of my friends got married the summer after college. We found out the bar would close for 2 hours over dinner and cake cutting, but would re-open afterwards during the dancing. So we went and got like 3-4 drinks each to last us while it was closed. Pretty embarrassed by that. 

    The bar closing was actually the venue's solution - in that state, the bar at an event can only be open for so many hours, so they regularly close the bar during dinner so that it can be open until later in the evening. I'm not sure what etiquette would say about those two options; probably the correct thing is to end the event when the bar must be closed and then have an after-party. 
    Wow, two hours?  That is a long time.  I have been to some weddings where the bar was closed for an hour during dinner, but they also had wine on the tables and they made sure to announce when the bar was to close so that guests can get a refill before dinner was served.  But two hours is ridiculously long.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2014
    I feel like I have seen this same post with the same results come up over and over on this board with the same results. One person asking a question and the same few slamming it down and demanding the only two options are open bar all night long or dry wedding. Now I understand the logic and etiquette of both sides even though personally I disagree. What would be nice if possible moderators would be if a poll or somethin could be established that May grant some insight to both sides and give those a voice that are too shy to post. Maybe something along the lines of asking a guest if an open bar was not an option for the couple would they prefer to attend a dry wedding or have the option to buy? Just a thought as reading the same thing and having it repeatedly shot down while watching everyone bicker like children all though amusing is redundant.
    Sorry, but etiquette isn't "a matter of opinion." 

    There is no polite way to offer alcohol, or any other amenities, to your guests that isn't free of charge to your guests. The rule of etiquette here is that all costs of entertaining invited guests must be borne by the hosts.  It's never proper under any circumstances to invite guests to a hosted event, whether it's in your home or somewhere else, whether it's a wedding or some other occasion, and say, "You pay for your own drinks."

    Especially at a wedding reception, which is a thank you from the couple to the guests for attending a wedding.  You do not thank your guests by requiring them to provide their own provisions.  Even if they "expect" alcohol at a wedding (which they have no right to do regardless of what is "common" or "done" in their localities) and even if you can't afford a full open bar (in which case, you serve what you can afford, whether that's a "limited bar" or no alcohol at all).  But you offer whatever the entire time for free.  You do not stop serving (except where required by law) and you do not charge your guests for it.  You don't even put out tip jars.  All the costs, including gratuties, are for you to pay.

    That's why cash bars aren't okay, that's why drink tickets aren't okay, that's why charging for any period of time for drinks isn't okay.

    Why do people bicker here about it?  Because new posters fail to lurk and read old threads to see whether someone has proposed cash bars or variations thereof in the past and what the reaction has been.  Or they get defensive when we tell them that etiquette doesn't approve and neither do we.  No poll is necessary because this rule of etiquette is never going to go away and we are not going to stop advocating for no charges for alcohol.

    We don't think it's funny or cute to argue about bad planning that potentially, if not actually, ruins the time for your guests and makes you look like a cheap jerk.  It is a waste of time for everyone-them as well as us.  But as long as people think it's okay to make your guests pay for anything, including alcohol, we're going to respond "No, it isn't.  It's rude."  Because it is.

  • beethery said:
    That's... weird. But, if it's a law in the state, there's only so much you can do.

    They didn't make the bar a cash bar during those couple hours, so not a huge deal.
    In our area, the bar will often close for one hour during dinner. It also affords the bar staff time to take a break. Just prior to dinner, guests will be informed of this, so if they want to enjoy a cocktail with dinner, one can be ordered and brought to the table. During dinner, wine is available at each table. More often than not, the bar staff returns prior to the end of that hour, and guests can continue to get drinks.
  • MobKaz said:
    In our area, the bar will often close for one hour during dinner. It also affords the bar staff time to take a break. Just prior to dinner, guests will be informed of this, so if they want to enjoy a cocktail with dinner, one can be ordered and brought to the table. During dinner, wine is available at each table. More often than not, the bar staff returns prior to the end of that hour, and guests can continue to get drinks.
    Seems reasonable to me!
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Food isn't served for the entire event. Once dessert has been served the hosts are under no obligation to continue to provide guests with any more food whatsoever, even if the event is going to last another two hours. The late night snack trend is a nice add on, not an etiquette requirement. You have given no reasons why failing to provide alcohol for all 5 hours (which is impossible at many venues anyway since they shut the it doesn't make someone a bad host to limit something unnecessary to the guest's comfort like alcohol. 
    You are correct about pretty much one thing and that is a host does not have to offer every facet of their event continuously throughout.  Where everyone is disagreeing with you is what those things are.  No one would have a problem with the string quartet stopping playing after the ceremony or the bacon wrapped scallops no longer served after cocktail hour because those things have a specific time and place aka "ceremony music" or "appetizers".  I think most people (except you) would agree that drinks are a constant.  It doesn't matter if you are the first or last person in line at the bar, you should have the same options at all times (ETA - and not have to pay for them).

    My point is you need to be prepared to fully and consistently host or not at all.  Would you have someone to your home for dinner and serve them wine during appetizers, then start charging them at dinner?  Would you invite someone to stay in your home for a week and then kick them out after three days because you arbitrarily decided that you had hosted them "enough"?

    You don't get the make that decision.  Your only responsibility is to host them PROPERLY.
  • MGP said:
    You are correct about pretty much one thing and that is a host does not have to offer every facet of their event continuously throughout.  Where everyone is disagreeing with you is what those things are.  No one would have a problem with the string quartet stopping playing after the ceremony or the bacon wrapped scallops no longer served after cocktail hour because those things have a specific time and place aka "ceremony music" or "appetizers".  I think most people (except you) would agree that drinks are a constant.  It doesn't matter if you are the first or last person in line at the bar, you should have the same options at all times (ETA - and not have to pay for them).

    My point is you need to be prepared to fully and consistently host or not at all.  Would you have someone to your home for dinner and serve them wine during appetizers, then start charging them at dinner?  Would you invite someone to stay in your home for a week and then kick them out after three days because you arbitrarily decided that you had hosted them "enough"?

    You don't get the make that decision.  Your only responsibility is to host them PROPERLY.
    This is exactly my point. No. I wouldn't start charging them at dinner, but if I served all the wine I could afford to buy for the dinner I also would not go out and buy them more just because they had consumed it all; I'd offer them the iced tea I had instead. You might be disappointed that the wine is gone but that's definitely NOT a cash bar. 

    Just as guests shouldn't expect alcohol to begin with, neither should they expect that just because there is alcohol that they it should be drink all that you can. There's no need to announce ahead of time that there's a limit to the bar, and I don't see why anyone would, so there's no need to worry about creating "scarcity" behavior. As long as non-alcoholic beverages are available throughout and no one is being charged for anything then you've done your part.
  • fwtx5815fwtx5815 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    Thank you very much for letting me know about the polling option it will be a good gauge for me. I did take your advice and moved my question to the budget wedding page as maybe this is more of the type of thing I'm looking for rather than etiquette.
    Doh. Even budget brides should care about etiquette. EVERYONE should care about etiquette!
    etf boxes

    If you aren't concerned about etiquette then you shouldn't be inviting people to your wedding.

    ----


     fka dallasbetch 


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  • This is exactly my point. No. I wouldn't start charging them at dinner, but if I served all the wine I could afford to buy for the dinner I also would not go out and buy them more just because they had consumed it all; I'd offer them the iced tea I had instead. You might be disappointed that the wine is gone but that's definitely NOT a cash bar. 

    Just as guests shouldn't expect alcohol to begin with, neither should they expect that just because there is alcohol that they it should be drink all that you can. There's no need to announce ahead of time that there's a limit to the bar, and I don't see why anyone would, so there's no need to worry about creating "scarcity" behavior. As long as non-alcoholic beverages are available throughout and no one is being charged for anything then you've done your part.
    Sure...and once you run out of crab legs you can serve pizza rolls to the remaining guests.

    *eyeroll*

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