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Homewrecking

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Re: Homewrecking

  • All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.
    One bad decision does not make a person.  Is your friend willing to stop being friends with this person because of a bad choice?  People don't always agree with what their friends do but that doesn't stop them from being friends.   Now if this affair is a constant topic and gets in the middle of the friendship I could understand ending it.

  • Just for a perspective:

    Years ago, I dated a guy for a couple of months before I found out he was married. I was working a lot and thought it was casual. I beat myself up about it for a long time but, ultimately, I was incredibly naive and missed the signs.

    This was on him. He was the asshole and I did nothing wrong.

    Had I continued to see him once I knew he was married, I would have been in the wrong too. If I stayed with him after that, my friends would have either dropped me or given me a rough time. They all know that I would do the same to them.

    (I found out because we worked in the same building (different companies) and I met his wife after his coworkers threw a surprise baby shower for the couple. He never contacted me again after seeing us together.)
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.
    One bad decision does not make a person.  Is your friend willing to stop being friends with this person because of a bad choice?  People don't always agree with what their friends do but that doesn't stop them from being friends.   Now if this affair is a constant topic and gets in the middle of the friendship I could understand ending it.
    This. One bad life decision that isn't even tied to our friendship? Of course I wouldn't end our friendship.

    I wouldn't sit on that high horse - any friend for any moral reason. We've all done stupid things, made mistakes, lost our way, done things that we regret - so should we all be alone because of these things? DH and I both have things in our past we are not proud of. We were honest enough with each other to bring up some of these things just in case the other may not be able to deal with the large skeletons of our pasts. 

    Luckily for me I didn't judge FI for the few things he probably will never forgive himself for. One big mistake does not an evil man make. 
  • So asking for a friend/because it's an interesting (horrible) scenario.  

    My best friend in the world just had a close friend (I don't know her) reveal to her that she is having an affair with a married-with-children man twenty years her senior.  My BFF is horrified- the girl in question is asking her for advice/her opinion and my friend wants to give it because she feels wrong not expressing her disapproval of this situation (BFF also is friends with the guy in question and knows his wife).  

    Anyone else ever dealt with a homewrecking friend?  What the heck do you even say in this situation...
    I have. I was honest and told her I thought it was shitty on both their parts, and that if she 5 bought he was going to leave his wife for her she was naive. I also told her that even if he did divorce his wife for her, why in the hell would she want to start a relationship with someone with that much baggage (angry ex wife, kids, etc.) Plus it was a shitty thing to be doing to the kids. I told her to find a single partner.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."




  • He's the homewrecker. This woman has no duty to his wife (other than being a decent human being and not having sex with someone's husband) to keep her vagina from his penis. He took vows to his wife, assuming they are not in an open marriage, to stay faithful to her. Two to tango.

    Do not get involved.

    Nope. They're both home wreckers. 
     If someone's robbing a bank, and you're sitting out in the getaway car, you're still participating in a bank robbery. This bitch doesn't get a pass. She is knowingly and willingly participating in actions that could cause somebody else tremendous pain. The fact that she didn't sign a contract doesn't mean it's okay to help someone else violate theirs.

    The friend in question was asked for their opinion/advice. 

    If a friend asks me for advice, they get it. If I feel they're being a shitty human being, I say, you're doing something destructive and hurtful and that pretty much makes you a shitty human being. Knock it the fuck off and grow some self respect. 
    In real life, as on the boards, I don't validate shitty ideas or shitty behavior. That's not being helpful, or a friend. 




    Amen. Me neither. You asked for it, you gonna get it.

    Not really my circus or monkeys, but you bought me a VIP seat under the big top when you said, "What do you think."

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • abbyj700 said:
    All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.
    One bad decision does not make a person.  Is your friend willing to stop being friends with this person because of a bad choice?  People don't always agree with what their friends do but that doesn't stop them from being friends.   Now if this affair is a constant topic and gets in the middle of the friendship I could understand ending it.
    This. One bad life decision that isn't even tied to our friendship? Of course I wouldn't end our friendship.

    I wouldn't sit on that high horse - any friend for any moral reason. We've all done stupid things, made mistakes, lost our way, done things that we regret - so should we all be alone because of these things? DH and I both have things in our past we are not proud of. We were honest enough with each other to bring up some of these things just in case the other may not be able to deal with the large skeletons of our pasts. 

    Luckily for me I didn't judge FI for the few things he probably will never forgive himself for. One big mistake does not an evil man make. 
    I hadn't thought of it like that.  It's true people make mistakes and this is just one bad decision.  But are there some decisions that are bad enough that, as someone else mentioned, you just can't ever respect your friend anymore?  You say you would never judge a friend for any moral reason, but I find that hard to believe... would you judge a friend who abused their pet, for example?  

    If I had a friend who didn't think it was morally wrong to kick their dog, I couldn't stay friends with them.  That's a whole different level than "everyone makes mistakes", you know?  And I think what the "kicking the dog" example and having an affair with a married man with kids have in common is you are willfully causing an innocent living thing pain.  So that's where I guess I get on my high horse, so to speak.

    I'm not disagreeing with you or saying I'm right to feel the way I feel- maybe I truly am just picking and choosing which mistakes or moral judgements I can stomach arbitrarily.  I guess all I'm saying is there definitely ARE some moral choices that would cause me to end a friendship, and this might be one of them for me personally.  
     
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    We all err. I would stay friends with her if she were remorseful.
  • @themosthappy91

    Continued physical abuse is not a mistake - it's a sign that something is emotionally/mentally wrong with someone. I would put that no where near the level of a friend who has an affair. 

    You're completely right -there's a line for everyone. My line may be further than others. I tend to have a lot of empathy for mental illness, substance abuse and the issues it causes. I do tend to get frustrated with people who do not make changes to their lives when they know they need to. Changes aren't easy, and people have a tendency to go back and fourth a lot - I can deal with that - but no effort to improve your life to me makes me less tolerant and empathetic. 
  • All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 

    1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 
     
    2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 

    3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). 

    If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.
    To the bolded: Yes, I would have a hard time being friends with her. I respect people who follow a high moral code. I don't respect people who don't. And I can't really be friends with people I don't respect, so....

    ETA: I should add that I wouldn't "hate" her or "shun" her or whatever... I would just focus my time and energy on other friendships for which I had more respect... 
    I had a relationship ruined because a married friend had an affair with a mutual single friend and I was pretty bitchy over the situation. She got divorced, married the friend and have 2 kids.    Her husband also got re-married and has a kid of his own.

     I really miss the friendship we had.   I regret being a  judgmental bitch over the situation.  All the parties involved are in much better places (I'm still friends with some mutual friends). 

    I'm more open minded about affairs as a result.  It's never as simple as affairs are wrong.  I still think they are wrong, but not relationship ending unless I'm one of the parties directly involved.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • abbyj700 said:
    All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.
    One bad decision does not make a person.  Is your friend willing to stop being friends with this person because of a bad choice?  People don't always agree with what their friends do but that doesn't stop them from being friends.   Now if this affair is a constant topic and gets in the middle of the friendship I could understand ending it.
    This. One bad life decision that isn't even tied to our friendship? Of course I wouldn't end our friendship.

    I wouldn't sit on that high horse - any friend for any moral reason. We've all done stupid things, made mistakes, lost our way, done things that we regret - so should we all be alone because of these things? DH and I both have things in our past we are not proud of. We were honest enough with each other to bring up some of these things just in case the other may not be able to deal with the large skeletons of our pasts. 

    Luckily for me I didn't judge FI for the few things he probably will never forgive himself for. One big mistake does not an evil man make. 
    I hadn't thought of it like that.  It's true people make mistakes and this is just one bad decision.  But are there some decisions that are bad enough that, as someone else mentioned, you just can't ever respect your friend anymore?  You say you would never judge a friend for any moral reason, but I find that hard to believe... would you judge a friend who abused their pet, for example?  

    If I had a friend who didn't think it was morally wrong to kick their dog, I couldn't stay friends with them.  That's a whole different level than "everyone makes mistakes", you know?  And I think what the "kicking the dog" example and having an affair with a married man with kids have in common is you are willfully causing an innocent living thing pain.  So that's where I guess I get on my high horse, so to speak.

    I'm not disagreeing with you or saying I'm right to feel the way I feel- maybe I truly am just picking and choosing which mistakes or moral judgements I can stomach arbitrarily.  I guess all I'm saying is there definitely ARE some moral choices that would cause me to end a friendship, and this might be one of them for me personally.  
     
    I have rabbits, and I have "kicked" them.  Well, in truth I was walking and they ran towards me and ran into my foot.  I don't think I was morally wrong . . . but I still feel awful.  So in some cases, "kicking" an animal can still fall under the "honest mistake" thing.  But if someone is angry at a dog and go out of their way to kick it, yeah, I see where you are coming from - that's a horrible thing to do. 
    I just wish my rabbits would stop being so underfoot, or that they were louder when they ran so I knew they were behind me . . .
    I think there should at least be an attempt to continue the friendship.  As PP have said, mistakes can be made, and if this friend doesn't attempt to patch things up with the married man, she is at least showing that she recognizes it as a mistake but not attempting to continue.

  • arrippa said:
    kasmith1 said:
    We had a guy (friend/business associate of DH) bring not his wife or girlfriend, but his mistress to our wedding and I keep my mouth firmly shut when we are around the girlfriend or wife. So, I'm in the camp of keep my nose to my own business, unless it directly affects me. Especially when it is so twisted up and confusing. 
    Just to clarify, the guy has a wife, girlfriend and mistress? Wow, that's a lot of people to juggle.
    Yes, allegedly, he and the wife are separated, he's been with the girlfriend a decade and the mistress was a surprise to all of us, so you see why I keep my little nose out of it.
  • kerbohl said:
    abbyj700 said:
    All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.
    One bad decision does not make a person.  Is your friend willing to stop being friends with this person because of a bad choice?  People don't always agree with what their friends do but that doesn't stop them from being friends.   Now if this affair is a constant topic and gets in the middle of the friendship I could understand ending it.
    This. One bad life decision that isn't even tied to our friendship? Of course I wouldn't end our friendship.

    I wouldn't sit on that high horse - any friend for any moral reason. We've all done stupid things, made mistakes, lost our way, done things that we regret - so should we all be alone because of these things? DH and I both have things in our past we are not proud of. We were honest enough with each other to bring up some of these things just in case the other may not be able to deal with the large skeletons of our pasts. 

    Luckily for me I didn't judge FI for the few things he probably will never forgive himself for. One big mistake does not an evil man make. 
    I hadn't thought of it like that.  It's true people make mistakes and this is just one bad decision.  But are there some decisions that are bad enough that, as someone else mentioned, you just can't ever respect your friend anymore?  You say you would never judge a friend for any moral reason, but I find that hard to believe... would you judge a friend who abused their pet, for example?  

    If I had a friend who didn't think it was morally wrong to kick their dog, I couldn't stay friends with them.  That's a whole different level than "everyone makes mistakes", you know?  And I think what the "kicking the dog" example and having an affair with a married man with kids have in common is you are willfully causing an innocent living thing pain.  So that's where I guess I get on my high horse, so to speak.

    I'm not disagreeing with you or saying I'm right to feel the way I feel- maybe I truly am just picking and choosing which mistakes or moral judgements I can stomach arbitrarily.  I guess all I'm saying is there definitely ARE some moral choices that would cause me to end a friendship, and this might be one of them for me personally.  
     
    I have rabbits, and I have "kicked" them.  Well, in truth I was walking and they ran towards me and ran into my foot.  I don't think I was morally wrong . . . but I still feel awful.  So in some cases, "kicking" an animal can still fall under the "honest mistake" thing.  But if someone is angry at a dog and go out of their way to kick it, yeah, I see where you are coming from - that's a horrible thing to do. 
    I just wish my rabbits would stop being so underfoot, or that they were louder when they ran so I knew they were behind me . . .
    I think there should at least be an attempt to continue the friendship.  As PP have said, mistakes can be made, and if this friend doesn't attempt to patch things up with the married man, she is at least showing that she recognizes it as a mistake but not attempting to continue.
    Oh my goodness, yes of course I should clarify that I don't mean accidental kicking!  And I know what you mean, occasionally I'll step on my cat's tail or something and I feel so awful about it when it happens.

    I think right now my friend is at the place where she does want to see this as a mistake that's independent of their friendship and one she hopes she can get over... I think what's making it so hard for her right now is the woman involved is persisting in trying to continue the affair while the man is trying to do the right thing an end it.  So my advice to her at this point is she might need to let this play out before she makes a final decision on the status of their friendship.
  • I personally wouldn't end a friendship if I knew my friend was hooking up with a married man. We all make mistakes. Sometimes our desires cloud our judgement. If a friend like did a hit and run and hurt someone, then yeah, peace out mofo (after I turn you in). 
  • kasmith1 said:
    arrippa said:
    kasmith1 said:
    We had a guy (friend/business associate of DH) bring not his wife or girlfriend, but his mistress to our wedding and I keep my mouth firmly shut when we are around the girlfriend or wife. So, I'm in the camp of keep my nose to my own business, unless it directly affects me. Especially when it is so twisted up and confusing. 
    Just to clarify, the guy has a wife, girlfriend and mistress? Wow, that's a lot of people to juggle.
    Yes, allegedly, he and the wife are separated, he's been with the girlfriend a decade and the mistress was a surprise to all of us, so you see why I keep my little nose out of it.
    Jesus, that's a nasty-ass bioload he's got going on ><

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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