The number one things that annoys me is how long it takes to explain things. He usually takes at least an hour and my eyes start to glaze over ha. But he means well so I try to actually listen.
We drive each other crazy on a regular basis. DH is an idiot with picking up on emotional stuff. Unless you spell it out for him, he'll miss every signal. He also sucks at looking at his calendar and managing his time.
He also gets shit done. It might not be on my schedule but he takes care of our little family, his mom, his brothers, and helps my family. He reminds me to call my gramma, gives the dog his meds, and keeps every decide known to mankind working years past it's natural life.
We complement each other, even though we sometimes bicker about how it all happens. I'd be more concerned if we never grated on each other- it would mean that we aren't paying enough attention.
I love my FI with all my heart. But tonight we went to a fish taco taste-off (what could be better than fish tacos and beer???) and I gotta say, I don't know what mood he was in, but I really needed him to wear this with me after the entire thing:
He flat-out called me petty, argued with me literally for the sake of arguing (he even told me he really didn't care about what was going on), and kept asking to leave the event so we could have some wine and unwind at home, and then when we get home says "well, I'm going to bed.... have you ever noticed how weird I tie my shoe laces? This is so strange, don't you think?... Sweetie?" to which I responded that I actually do not have anything to say about his shoelaces. He promptly went to bed. Someone must have peed in his fish taco.
There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities.
Seriously? The OPs FI forget to pay the speeding ticket. That happens. Then he is unsure how to fight it so he asks how to do that. Well unless you have had a speeding ticket before you wouldn't know how to fight it and asking for help is normal, better then him not asking and just not dealing with it. But I certainly don't see this as a red flag where he will not be capable of taking care of a larger issue.
So much this. People make mistakes.
Lord knows i do. It's okay to be frustrated, but it's something else to assume it's red flag for bigger issues.
But this is TK. . . we love to yell Red Flag and throw out psychological evaluations!
I mean clearly her FI has Dissociative amnesia due to his inability to remember to pay the speeding ticket. Duh!
It's obviously time for counseling and a divorce!
What is this, the Nest? Did he grab her ass too?
Oh please, the armchair psychology is strong on this site.
I mean it's all fun and games until everyone has BPD and PPD.
Whoa whoa whoa. No one is being an armchair psychologist here. Far from it.
By red flag to me, it means to me that next time something like that comes up I wouldn't just assume it to be taken care of. Rather, I would double check to confirm sooner rather than later so that it doesn't happen again especially because there was an instance where he did forget. As I'm probably sure most of you would.
If I was really going into the "here ye here ye, divorce and extreme counseling are the only way out of the fiery hell of the whatever situation that you just came on here to have a vent sesh about", I would already be on TIP at The Nest. I'm just here for the shits and giggles, left the psych 101 text book at home.
My FI is quite forgetful and I'm the calendar between the two of us. He rarely makes me frustrated though. I'm anal enough that I actually WANT to do most things myself, so my satisfaction is almost always guaranteed.
However if I need him to do something, he'll get on it right away if he does not forget. I guess that would annoy me a bit but I've never been frustrated with him. I also don't necessarily like it when he comes home late without letting me know. A small quick text would be appreciated. Don't care if he comes home at 6am as long as I'm aware and that he's safe.
ETA: @loveislouder I can understand how the divorce of your parents might be hard on you and there will always be that "what if" for each and everyone of us. Don't let it poison you, and I hope you are feeling better through therapy?
I am totally mom in most of our day-to-day life. I cook all the meals (and make him eat instead of starving himself because he can't be bothered to put down the Playstation controller), do all the laundry, do all the housecleaning and dishes and grocery shopping...and yeah, sometimes I do get a bit frustrated that without me he'd be starving and filthy....
But he is the one who is going to make sure we can afford to retire. He's the financial planner, investor, etc etc and if it weren't for him I'd either have to actually learn how to manage my money (unlikely) or spend the rest of my life with $42 in my savings account, making terrible shopping decisions and having no idea that people have, like, RSPs and stock portfolios. So it does kind of balance out.
It's all good to have one person in the house who's better with finances - but I'd advise anyone to learn about financial planning and be aware of the household finances. I had a friend who always said "oh, well Lisa handles the money" and he was always sure his wife was doing a stellar job at it. Until one day he woke up and they $40k in debt outside of their mortgage and cars (think credit cards, time share, none essentials). After 15+ years of marriage - he had NO idea.
I can't agree with this more. This happened to my H too. He and his former wife had separate accounts (I acknowledge it could have been worse had they had a true joint checking account) but it wasn't until their divorce started that he found out she had opened a PO box at the post office and was having several credit card statements sent there to hide them from him. He ended up saddled with about $20k in debt that he had no knowledge of prior to their first round of mediation. Needless to say H tries to be much more observant about money, budgeting than he used to be.
I've been guilty of that. It fucked us over too because even after I paid it the company it defaulted with didn't bother reporting that I'd paid it, so over the course of a year it dragged my credit score down, down, down. Had no idea until we went to try to get a home loan and were denied. Bless his heart, he never yelled at me for it but considering I was sobbing my eyes out over it I think he knew I knew I was stupid. So anyway, keep an eye on the credit reports after it's taken care of. Even after it was fixed it took a really long time for my credit to creep back up. Obviously defaulting on anything at all will bring it down, but when it looks like it's been in default for a year, that's REAL bad.
I definitely do more of the stupid stuff in our relationship. Like a few days ago I was backing out of the garage and ripped the side mirror off. He was pretty pissed about that, admittedly, but calmed down when I figured out you can buy mirrors on amazon for like $50. Anyway, I'd like to think these things don't mean I'm not marriage material.
Anyway, yest there are things that frustrate me. Like we have a similar arrangement where it's supposedly agreed that I do all the cooking so he does the dishes, but every time he does them he acts like he deserves a goddamn purple heart for it. And claims they are just sooo piled up even though he does them every day but he really doesn't.
I am really bad about communicating when something's bothering me and I definitely need to work on that.
We were out at dinner the other week, and H made an offhand comment about being OCD. I told him that the word he meant was "anal" as he's not actually OCD. He became upset that I belittled his struggles and dismissed his concerns.
The next morning I went out into the kitchen to find my now empty oatmeal box with empty wrappers sitting on the counter 3 feet away from the trashcan. After picking up the half roll of used paper towels and multiple water glass sitting on his computer desk that accumulated over the week. But he's totally OCD.
I didn't read everything yet, so maybe this was addressed already but: OCD does NOT mean that the person must be a neat freak. A person can have OCD and be a total slob (perhaps because they have a fear that they will not be able to clean up their mess as perfectly as their head tells them it needs to be done.) This comes from the psychiatrist I saw while in college.
We were out at dinner the other week, and H made an offhand comment about being OCD. I told him that the word he meant was "anal" as he's not actually OCD. He became upset that I belittled his struggles and dismissed his concerns.
The next morning I went out into the kitchen to find my now empty oatmeal box with empty wrappers sitting on the counter 3 feet away from the trashcan. After picking up the half roll of used paper towels and multiple water glass sitting on his computer desk that accumulated over the week. But he's totally OCD.
I didn't read everything yet, so maybe this was addressed already but: OCD does NOT mean that the person must be a neat freak. A person can have OCD and be a total slob (perhaps because they have a fear that they will not be able to clean up their mess as perfectly as their head tells them it needs to be done.) This comes from the psychiatrist I saw while in college.
I think Chibi was being sarcastic at the end when she said, "But he's totally OCD."
Her H said he was OCD when he isn't, and she corrected him.
But I thought she was implying "isn't it funny, he claims he has OCD, but he leaves a mess around the house, obviously he isn't!" I just wanted to clarify that OCD does not mean a person has to be neat. I'm sure she was right and he was just using the term loosely/ incorrectly... but there ARE people with OCD who make messes haha.
I actually said to my fiance one morning last week, "I'm really trying very hard not to feel like punching you right now, and you just keep making me want to punch you. I'm really trying hard here, so please stop making me want to punch you."
Of course, it was morning, and I am a very cranky waker. We were both trying to get ready for work at the same time, which only happens about twice a year, so we were competing for space in our tiny bathroom. He kept doing little things, completely unintentionally, that annoyed me. Wouldn't normally annoy me - I was just crabby because I wanted to be in bed. And when I went to wet my toothbrush to brush my teeth, he shut the water off out of habit. That's when I told him I wanted to punch him. But since we have the same sense of humor, it just made us both laugh and diffused the situation.
And FWIW, I was in a relationship for 8 years in which I had to be the mom. My ex constantly complained I was acting like his mom, while my constant gripe was he was acting like a child. To each his own, and maybe some relationships work well that way, but after having two drastically different long term relationships, I can say the one in which you never have to mother is a heck of a lot easier!
It is cold outside. Ok, it's cold outside for where I live, it was like 45 this morning (yes I know everyone else can beat that with like -30 degree temps, whatever I live in the desert we don't do cold) and FI and I were heading to the gym and he was just too damn happy.
He seriously goes "Isn't this the best! We're gonna go and make ourselves feel good! WooHoo!" and I really wanted to smack him. I didn't, but I really did. It's cold, it's 5am, I'm doing this because I need to, there is no need for all this happy bullshit.
But I thought she was implying "isn't it funny, he claims he has OCD, but he leaves a mess around the house, obviously he isn't!" I just wanted to clarify that OCD does not mean a person has to be neat. I'm sure she was right and he was just using the term loosely/ incorrectly... but there ARE people with OCD who make messes haha.
Thanks, I was sorta of implying that, largely because I was under the impression that most people who are diagnosed would well, not leave the sort of messes he does. So I apologize for my own ignorance there.
I'll also stand by he's not OCD because I've lived with him for 3 years now and, well,in my non-medical opinion, dude does not display any compulsive behaviors.
I also told him if he wants to stand by the OCD thing, he should go to the doctor and get properly diagnosed. Boy's afraid they'll put him on medication that will mess him up like his brother. Why a normally pro-science and analytic person thinks they can force him to take medication is beyond me. One of his irrational quirks I suppose.
I get frustrated with BF for random stupid things. Like the trash will be overflowing and he'll keep tossing things in there rather than empty it. I empty it more often than not while also handling the laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, feeding the cat, cleaning the cat's litter box, etc. It'd be nice to not have to take care of that too.
But I know I do things that frustrates him as well. He doesn't like how I fold the laundry and he gets frustrated with the amount of my hair that is all over the place. But we both understand no one is perfect.
But I thought she was implying "isn't it funny, he claims he has OCD, but he leaves a mess around the house, obviously he isn't!" I just wanted to clarify that OCD does not mean a person has to be neat. I'm sure she was right and he was just using the term loosely/ incorrectly... but there ARE people with OCD who make messes haha.
Thanks, I was sorta of implying that, largely because I was under the impression that most people who are diagnosed would well, not leave the sort of messes he does. So I apologize for my own ignorance there.
I'll also stand by he's not OCD because I've lived with him for 3 years now and, well,in my non-medical opinion, dude does not display any compulsive behaviors.
I also told him if he wants to stand by the OCD thing, he should go to the doctor and get properly diagnosed. Boy's afraid they'll put him on medication that will mess him up like his brother. Why a normally pro-science and analytic person thinks they can force him to take medication is beyond me. One of his irrational quirks I suppose.
No worries. It's a really common misconception, largely in part because the cumpulsive behavior of a ton of people with OCD IS manifested in "neat freak" habits. But its def. not a requirement for the disorder, and according to my old shrinky dink, being a mess could even be a symptom of OCD.
Re: Does Anyone Else Get Super Frustrated With Their Partner?
I'm sure I'm more annoying to V than V is to me!
The number one things that annoys me is how long it takes to explain things. He usually takes at least an hour and my eyes start to glaze over ha. But he means well so I try to actually listen.
He also gets shit done. It might not be on my schedule but he takes care of our little family, his mom, his brothers, and helps my family. He reminds me to call my gramma, gives the dog his meds, and keeps every decide known to mankind working years past it's natural life.
We complement each other, even though we sometimes bicker about how it all happens. I'd be more concerned if we never grated on each other- it would mean that we aren't paying enough attention.
Whoa whoa whoa. No one is being an armchair psychologist here. Far from it. By red flag to me, it means to me that next time something like that comes up I wouldn't just assume it to be taken care of. Rather, I would double check to confirm sooner rather than later so that it doesn't happen again especially because there was an instance where he did forget. As I'm probably sure most of you would.
I'm the fuck out.
But I thought she was implying "isn't it funny, he claims he has OCD, but he leaves a mess around the house, obviously he isn't!" I just wanted to clarify that OCD does not mean a person has to be neat. I'm sure she was right and he was just using the term loosely/ incorrectly... but there ARE people with OCD who make messes haha.
Of course, it was morning, and I am a very cranky waker. We were both trying to get ready for work at the same time, which only happens about twice a year, so we were competing for space in our tiny bathroom. He kept doing little things, completely unintentionally, that annoyed me. Wouldn't normally annoy me - I was just crabby because I wanted to be in bed. And when I went to wet my toothbrush to brush my teeth, he shut the water off out of habit. That's when I told him I wanted to punch him. But since we have the same sense of humor, it just made us both laugh and diffused the situation.
And FWIW, I was in a relationship for 8 years in which I had to be the mom. My ex constantly complained I was acting like his mom, while my constant gripe was he was acting like a child. To each his own, and maybe some relationships work well that way, but after having two drastically different long term relationships, I can say the one in which you never have to mother is a heck of a lot easier!
I'll also stand by he's not OCD because I've lived with him for 3 years now and, well,in my non-medical opinion, dude does not display any compulsive behaviors.
But I know I do things that frustrates him as well. He doesn't like how I fold the laundry and he gets frustrated with the amount of my hair that is all over the place. But we both understand no one is perfect.