I avoided this thread for so long thinking it would be about food poisoning or something.
Woo hoo!
a) Met a guy at a bar in college who turned out to have his own "nugget". Usually I can be too nice for my own good, so the morning after we chit chatted and I left fully intending to never call. Well, our college town was small, and I saw him at the bar on Halloween dressed in a baby onesie (cringe!!) and he goes, "You never called me!" I was a bit shocked (and drunk) so I shrugged and turned away, and he walked away. I felt bad, but nuggets aren't for me.
b) I had a friends-with-benefits relationship in college with a guy that, of course, I wanted more of a relationship from. That never ends well. He moved from telling me he didn't want a relationship to getting a girlfriend he'd met in class. Lo and behold I wasn't aware of that fact until after we slept together again. About a year after graduation the actual friendship ended. He married that girl. They officially divorced a month ago and he already had a new girlfriend (thanks, Facebook!). Clearly I dodged a bullet.
Now, I've been really lucky with dating even though it took awhile to finally meet DH. So, onto two friends' stories.
a) My roommate broke up with a bodybuilder. What's the male version of a butter face? He had a butter face. When she said she was ending things, he gestured to his muscled torso and said, "YOU'RE breaking up with THIS?" Uh.... yes.
b) Another friend hooked up with a cute guy in one of our sorority's preferred fraternities (meaning we were friends with most of the guys and several girls had boyfriends in the house). She came back one night and said he, well, treated her lady parts like a dog treats a chewtoy. Picture shaking your head side to side and growling!
Ew! He was henceforth given the nickname "Chewtoy." Never saw him again after graduation.
Alright so probably... 6 years ago I was going through a dry spell. My bestie's husband thought, hey, maybe we should set Beethery up with one of my work buddies. It was a DRYYYYYYYY spell, so I was game.I get all cuted up and go to this little bar/restaurant in our area, and meet up with all of them.
Upon arrival, dude is already on his third long island iced tea. Uhhh... ok, whatever. This would be irrelevant if he did not immediately begin talking out of his ass.
So bestie and I are making long trips to the bathroom to lol at the absurd shit this imbecile is saying. Also, her H was on my shit list for not realizing that I require more intelligence and personality in a person than what the fucking table at the restaurant is giving me.
He is just tripping over himself trying to sound as cool as possible, and motherfucker is just drowning. Here's a list of some of the better points:
Attempts to flirt with hugely pregnant, married waitress.
Tells bestie's H that he needs to 'get his wife on track' when he catches one of the HUNDREDS of death glares she's given him over the course of the meal.
When conversation leads to outdoor activities, he tries to tell me he has a snowmobile with specs that are made up.
He tries to impress me by showing me his boating license, which he has because he owns a boat. (He doesn't own a boat. His dad does.)
He doesn't understand that bestie and I are blatantly texting each other at the table. Like, elbows on the table, and then pointing at the other one when we've sent a message.
My second-favorite dumb thing he said was when he explains that he makes tons of money plowing for a local town, "I don't even know how much, just a lot."
Tries to touch my leg under the table.
He brought up Bestie's husband's former girlfriend. That girl, who was super cool, died probably 3 years beforehand on a major holiday surrounded by distraught friends and family after she'd contracted meningitis. That is not blind date discussion material. That is not discussion material to bring up to Bestie's H. That is not discussion material to bring up in front of Bestie as she was pretty good friends with the girl. What in THE FUCK.
At this point, I decide to text my mom about what the fuck is going on. She and my dad are at dinner with some friends. Mom is relaying the story to the group. I ask her to call me and give me an out. I have texted my friend who is with me about this plan. She is going to back me up when I get the phone call.
I do not get a phone call. Instead I get a text that says, "We want to hear how this ends. Put it on the family card, because you are sticking this out for our entertainment.
Finally, the bill shows up. This is the highlight of the evening.
I already had my card out so that I could pay for my own meal and drinks. I do not want this dude to pay for my stuff. I do not want him to think he has done me a favor. I do not want to eat at this restaurant ever again because his fool ass is a regular. No no. Please do not pay for my stuff. No no no.
Waitress comes by, and he grabs the book, takes my credit card out and goes, "My girl doesn't pay for her food. Put it on my card, I can back up more money than you can with yours," and then he winks at me. I can feel my stomach flip in the barfy way.
Waitress looks at me like I am a sickly animal that needs to be put out of its misery. I agree with this, because this is how I feel. This night will never end. She walks away
Bestie, in her infinite wisdom goes, "Was that your debit card?"
Weirdo: "Yup. Don't even know how much is on there."
Bestie: "It's however much you put in the bank. Do you get your paychecks put in there with direct deposit, and then pay your bills from that account?"
Weirdo: "Yup."
I don't know about y'all, but when I hear, "I don't even know how much is on there." I am not impressed. I don't care what kind of bravado you use when you say it unless you are one of the known to be fabulously wealthy people. Not some rando that works with my friend part-time and lives over his mom's garage. I'm not knocking either of those things, but don't try to sell me on all the coins you potentially have by saying you don't know how much is in your account.
Receipts come back. I have to figure out the tip for Warren Buffett. Eyes are on the prize, because it's time to leave. This was my feeling:
I basically glue myself to bestie as we walk out to our cars. Bestie's husband is going to drive Donald Trump home because he is drunk at this point. He says, "HEY B, WE ARE DEFINITELY HANGING OUT FRIDAY. Meet me here!!!!"
I do not respond. I am pretending to be part of bestie's jacket. Her H is wrangling weirdo into the truck.
Her H got home, and they called me. Weirdo kept going on and on about how he was going to hit that and he couldn't believe how well that went over. Bestie's H was asked to please never attempt to set me up with anybody ever again. He agreed, and said he acts like a normal person at work.
Apparently weirdo bragged to the work crew that he almost got to fuck me, and then could not understand when Bestie's H corrected him that it was never, ever going to happen, and then regaled the crew with the story.
Bestie loves to tell this story to people at parties, and we send each other, "I have a boat license, because I have a boat," or "Couldn't tell ya how much money's in that account. I'll pay for everything," texts every now and then for a chuckle.
I do not get a phone call. Instead I get a text that says, "We want to hear how this ends. Put it on the family card, because you are sticking this out for our entertainment.
I'm dying. That sounds like something my family would do lol
Around my junior year in hs I partied A LOT. Well, one night a friend picks me up from work and we're going to a party,she has a tiny truck, so the whole ride there I'm sitting on this dudes lap and he's telling me about how much he loves his gf. Okay, no problemo dude, you're hot, but I won't try if you're attached. We arrive at the party and he tells me he'll be my 'bf for the night'. Sure, whatever, I'll play your silly game. We end up fucking, and he passes out or leaves or something. Eh, whatever. His brother is at this party as well, just as hot, and seems interested.
The next morning, I'm up wandering the house, since hangovers tend to wake me up around 7am, and here is little brother, still half drunk and hitting on me. The bedrooms are all occupied, so we opt for the bathroom counter and start going at it. At some point, he says to me 'I know I'm not as big as my brother, I hope you don't mind'.
I have more, but I also have a wedding in two days that I really should be getting shit done for. (Read: I'm going to play Dragon Age II and crochet through the cut scenes)
I do not get a phone call. Instead I get a text that says, "We want to hear how this ends. Put it on the family card, because you are sticking this out for our entertainment.
I'm dying. That sounds like something my family would do lol
My ex openly bragged about having a 2-inch dick. We broke up because my career aspirations didn't include an illegal pot farm, like his did.
Then there was the guy my parents still refer to as Charles Manson (serious look alike), who I soon found out was sleeping with at least 2 other girls at any given time during our relationship. The relationship ended when he stole my rent money for drugs... and of course denied it.
My ex openly bragged about having a 2-inch dick. We broke up because my career aspirations didn't include an illegal pot farm, like his did.
Then there was the guy my parents still refer to as Charles Manson (serious look alike), who I soon found out was sleeping with at least 2 other girls at any given time during our relationship. The relationship ended when he stole my rent money for drugs... and of course denied it.
How the fuck is that something to BRAG about???????
My ex openly bragged about having a 2-inch dick. We broke up because my career aspirations didn't include an illegal pot farm, like his did.
Then there was the guy my parents still refer to as Charles Manson (serious look alike), who I soon found out was sleeping with at least 2 other girls at any given time during our relationship. The relationship ended when he stole my rent money for drugs... and of course denied it.
How the fuck is that something to BRAG about???????
I know, right?!?!? In my defense, 2 inches wasn't fully erect status (he didn't inform people of that when bragging though), but it didn't get much better than that and was certainly below average. But, if you are going to brag about size, make sure you have something to brag about, or at least use an accurate measurement.
Separate post from prior, because this is going to take a while. Also, nice to meet you all!
In between the end of my last long term, significant relationship, and meeting FI, I must have dated half the guys in my city. So many first dates. I do blame myself - doe eyes, and a flashing 'asshole' sign on my forehead. Here are a few of the better ones.
When I first moved here, I hadn't yet perfected my subway face. Which, for those of you unfamiliar, is a bitch face. It tells all the crazies to leave you alone, that you haven't had your coffee yet, and that you have no time for their shenanigans.
So, within a month, I was harassed, hit on, and asked out by no fewer than 6 guys on the train. The first time it happened.. Le sigh. I had to move past a young man to get off at my stop, and apparently we made eye contact. Who knows. Anyway, he ran off after me, and asked if I would be his valentine. Young, naive, and fresh on the rebound, I mistook crazy for sweet, and said sure, why not. Apparently, that was me agreeing to a date on valentine's day itself.
He picked me up in a cab (which he let me pay for), and brought me a snickers (he said that flowers were too boring). The restaurant he chose had live music, so was charging a cover. He didn't have cash, so asked me to pay. Spent the entire meal telling me about his mothers mental illness, and his long-term unemployment (had been coming from an interview when we met, hence his nice suit, and my mistaking him for someone who had their life together), and his battle with low self-esteem.
As the daughter of a mother with similar issues, I understand the difficulty that that brings to your life, but there's a time and place. And a first date is neither.
The check comes, and it sits there. After a few minutes, I reached for my wallet, thinking that that might trigger his manners. He looked at me, grinned, and said thanks.
He suggested drinks, and I suggested that I was going home. He insisted on dropping me off in a cab. At my corner, I went to hop out, and he insisted on getting out with me, and walking me to my door. "It has always been my intention to walk you to your door and give you a kiss on the cheek". Holy crazy. My downstairs neighbor was on the front porch smoking, and this guy got all confrontational with him - "Excuse me, can we help you?" So mortified. He stood there waiting for me to go inside (after he had creepily kissed me on the cheek, with ceremony). Peeking out through the window to make sure he was walking away, I went back outside to apologize to the neighbor. Guy turns around halfway down the block, and just stands there staring. For a good 2 minutes.
That got too long, will try to be quicker with others.
First date, dinner at a cool spot downtown was suggested. But he didn't make a rez, and this place is notorious for having a crazy wait. So his solution was to have drinks at his apt instead of waiting there. It was cold out, and half a block away, so I agreed. 5 steps into the place and he started taking his clothes off. I shot that idea down real quick. He then spent 10 minutes showing me his shoe collection, before it became quite clear that he had a fetish. I was home on my couch with Chinese takeout before the restaurant called that our table was ready.
Another first date. This was a blind date, met online. He suggested meeting at a bar. At 11am. On a Sunday. It was gorgeous out. Benefit of the doubt, maybe he wanted to play pool. Maybe he was hungover and craving nachos. Maybe he really enjoyed the smell of stale beer. He was 25 minutes late, with no text. And no apology when he arrived. Spent the next 10 minutes negging me. "Do you wax your own eyebrows?" "No", I replied, "I don't actually do anything to them - they're just naturally great!" "I didn't say they looked good". Walked out. Might have used the phrase Lemon Law.
And yet another. Dinner was nice, although he was a bit controlling. Totally alpha, completely type-A. I had two cocktails, he had 4. Drinks after, I had one, he had two. Back at his place (no shade) I had one, he had 4. Woke up the next morning, cuteness cuddling on the couch, helped him tidy up. Came out of the bathroom to catch him slugging vodka out of the bottle. Ouch.
Lastly, just for the ridiculous factor. Went out with a guy a handful of times. He was nice, but not terribly bright, or funny. Hot though, damn. One night started fooling around on my couch. Clothes started coming off, and I had to leave the room to keep from laughing in his face. His junk was shaped like a cone. Almost like a perfect triangle. At the base, it was so big that I couldn't even come close to closing my hand around it (and I have big hands). The head was the size of a grape.
@wrigleyville Dark Elf makes me think that he was too into Morrowind or something and now I am self-conscious about my enjoyment of the Elder Scrolls games.
also
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry that this is so late but my first ever post on this site definitely had to be that there is never a reason to be self conscious about loving any of the Elder Scrolls games. Also, you are hilarious!
@asherbugg welcome to TK (and snarky brides) sweetheart! I'm not actually shamed of my enjoyment of TES. In fact, I played ESO most of the day today and did very little else. Grown-up gaming life is good.
You picked a good post for your first one to participate in
I'm sorry to interrupt the hilarious stories, but I had to high-five you guys for the TES love. I'm a huge fan myself, in case the username doesn't give it away, and it's really nice to see others around here
As for stories...hm. A high-school ex once tried to convince me to give him a hand job in a church parking lot. While he gagged himself.
I'm sorry to interrupt the hilarious stories, but I had to high-five you guys for the TES love. I'm a huge fan myself, in case the username doesn't give it away, and it's really nice to see others around here
As for stories...hm. A high-school ex once tried to convince me to give him a hand job in a church parking lot. While he gagged himself.
My only good story to throw in here is from when I was in HS. The summer I was 16 I met a guy - he was really interested in me, I thought he was cute. However, 3 weeks later I was leaving the country for a year-long study abroad program on another continent. I made this very clear to him. He still asked me out. I was 16 and hadn't dated much, so I said yes.
Flashforward 2 weeks later. We're in the back seat of his mom's car as she drives me home (neither of us was old enough to have our license yet since in our state you needed to be 16.5). He reaches over, grabs my hand, and mouths the words "I love you." 2 weeks of dating - I think we had hung out maybe 3 times. Love? Really? I mouthed back something along the lines of "Uh, thanks," probably with major deer-in-headlights face.
Flashforward again to me studying abroad on another continent. Every month I was there (10 total) he sent me a new mixed-CD in the mail. Each CD was given the title "Songs I'd Sing to You: Volume #." So I have 10 volumes of cheesy R&B songs. I would like to point out, this was after a long conversation we had prior to my departure in which I said repeatedly "We need to break up - I'm leaving the country for almost an entire year - please go out and date other people - do not wait for me to come back, because we're both going to probably change a lot this year - we will not be dating still when I get back - etc." He told me he'd wait for me forever. Gag. While I was gone, other than the CDs, there was no communication between us.
Once I was back stateside again, random gifts started showing up in my mailbox. The weirdest one was a pocket watch. Why would a 17 year old girl need/want a pocket watch? No idea. Then he started showing up places he thought I would be to try to see me (he didn't call me, he just tried to randomly find me). He finally got lucky and found me once. He had with him a poem he had written about his eternal love for me and a giant teddy bear. This was a year after I had broken up with him. And when he saw me, he started crying. Sigh.
I eventually got through to him - then I heard he did the same routine with a girl in college. Apparently he eventually wore her down with his professions of love, as they're now married with two kids.
Oh wow. Your story just reminded me about a guy I dated when I was like 20. Told me he loved me after a week, had probably gone out like twice haha.
Then there was this guy I worked with. He's like 10 years older than me, lives with his mom and has never gotten his drivers license. I worked at this place for like 9 years and the entire time he was trying to get me to date him. One time he thought giving me a cd of his favorite music would do the trick. Was 2 full cds of star wars music, he even wrote down all the track names. He would also give my mom candy and then ask if she still though he was too old for me. (I worked with my mom at the time)
B/F from college was...shall we say...a bit on the small side, but at least not a nugget. And what was even funnier is he was a pretty big dude...6'1" 300 pounds of mostly muscle...so the size comparison was even worse for him.
He was a bit self conscious about his size and was in a room in the library hanging out with friends one day (I wasn't there) when random factoid came out that the average size is 4.5". He starts excitedly announcing, "I'm average! I'm average!" What he didn't realize was EVERYONE could hear their conversation and a mutual friend who worked at the library walked in and told him, "We're all glad you're average, but please keep your voice down."
So, his friends relate this story to me. One of them expressed surprise that he would have said this because the guy is normally such a braggard (and, oh he was!). To which my response was to laugh and say, "For him to say he is average IS bragging!"
I had to share this.....last night DH and I were watching TV when the Burger King commercial of their $1.49/ for ten chicken nuggets came on. All of the sudden DH starts 'Singing chicken nuggets, I got me a chicken nugget, nugget, nugget...' I started hysterically laughing thinking of this thread. DH was all like 'I was mocking the commercial but didn't think it was that funny.' I just couldn't stop laughing...so freaking funny. I had tears coming down my face...
And it doesn't help that the character on the BK ad who is over the top excited about the deal, is an extra dorky, effeminate looking man-boy. The first time I saw it, my first thought was (relating back to this thread), "Yeah, he looks like he can relate to a chicken nugget, lol."
I'm late to the party, but this thread is fantastic. I just discovered Snarky Brides yesterday & it is a virtual gold mine of comedy. Best threads on TK, hands down. I've got a few stories of my own.
First major relationship was with my high school sweetheart. 8 years, totally dysfunctional relationship, but I was young and in love and just didn't know any better. 2 DUIs later, I finally cheated on him and broke up with him. Totally dodged a bullet with this guy... since I lost my virginity to him, I didn't realize how ill-equipped he was, and how untalented he was with his lack of equipment. And 6 years post break up, he still reaches out to me 2-3 times a year. I always ignore it, and he still keeps trying.
Between HS sweetheart & FI, I dated (read: slept with) several men. Just enjoyed being single and being me and not worrying. I met one guy that I went out with a couple of times. I knew on the first date this wouldn't be a long term or serious relationship, but he was fun enough to hang out with. I could tell by his personality that he was dating other women, which was fine by me because I wasn't interested in anything serious. He would make plans, then break them, or wait until Thursday night to make weekend plans. If I was free, I'd hang out, if not, then I wouldn't. No big deal. He wasn't anything amazing in bed, but he was better than my ex so what the heck? He randomly texted me one day to tell me he didn't think he could give me the time commitment I was looking for. I just said "Okay. Have a nice life." A few weeks later, he drunk dialed me and invited me over. He asked me to stay the night. Okay whatever. I did. I was moving 4 hours away a couple of weeks later, and he cancelled the only other plans we had between that night and me moving. After I moved, he would call or text me every couple of weeks to try to have phone sex/solicit boob pics/make plans for me to visit him/etc. Even after I started dating my now FI, he kept texting & calling even though I kept telling him I was in a relationship. Once I moved 700 miles away to be with my now FI/then boyfriend, he finally seemed to realize I was in a serious relationship and finally left me alone.
Another guy I dated around this time lived about an hour south of me, in a small town. He came into the city to meet women because the women in his small town were all toothless hicks. He was very disparaging about men who work in offices and don't work with their hands (he was a mechanic). He was very judgmental about the small town mentality/culture, but when he offered to take me to dinner, he suggested Applebee's. We were in Atlanta - why on earth would you come into Atlanta to take a woman on a first date at Applebees? Like going to Italy and finding a Pizza Hut for dinner. I suggested an awesome restaurant & raw bar overlooking a historical cemetery that has amazing food. He was overwhelmed by the food because it was all so high-falutin', and settled on a fried chicken salad with honey mustard dressing. I gave him a chance for a second date, and on the way, he asked me what I liked to drink. When we got to the bar, he kept ordering drinks for me. Normally, that wouldn't irritate me, but he got my freaking drink wrong. That was the end of that.
The weekend before I met my now FI, I had just moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody and thought I'd try online dating to meet people. The first guy I went out with seemed super nice. A little dweeby, not exactly a catch but not bad looking. He held doors open for me, pulled my chair out for me, paid for dinner, listened to everything I said, super nice. And boring. We got back to my house, and we ended up making out. I was bored & horny, so we ended up in bed. A few minutes in, the condom is falling off. He takes it off, and then comes at me again without asking if I'm comfortable going condom-less (I'M NOT!). I say "What the fuck are you doing?!" He gets this dreamy look in his eyes and says "I can already tell you are special and we are going somewhere. I trust you." Um.... I don't trust you. I tell him to get the hell off of me because I am not comfortable going bareback. He leaves, then texts me as soon as he is home, asking when we can arrange for his family and friends to meet me, for me to see his apartment, etc etc. He has the next two days off, so can we hang out the whole time? I finally said "You're nice, but I don't think we are looking for the same thing." Then he got super angry, called me a slut, and questioned why I was on a dating site if I wasn't looking for "the one."
Then there was the alpha.... this guy always wore a tight black undershirt tucked into Wranglers with cowboy boots & cowboy hat. He was a bartender at a bar my friends & I frequented. Anytime he saw me talking to another guy, he would interrupt and intimidate the other guy into leaving. He would then explain to me how he is an alpha and the guy I was talking to wasn't an alpha. I don't want a freaking alpha in the first place. We invited him along for a trip to the beach one day, and he spent the entire afternoon showing off tricks in the water in his JORTS, then at some point decided I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he stormed off POUTING! My friend made me chase after him and beg him to come back so there wouldn't be a scene. Then, he offered to take me on a tour of the city because his family has lived there for generations and I was new to town. He informed me he was a mason & spent the next 2 hours pointing out mason symbols on buildings. We passed a random guy on the street, he said hi to the guy like he knew him, and once we were out of earshot whispered to me "He's a mason, too. I shouldn't really be telling you that."
Then there was the alpha.... this guy always wore a tight black undershirt tucked into Wranglers with cowboy boots & cowboy hat. He was a bartender at a bar my friends & I frequented. Anytime he saw me talking to another guy, he would interrupt and intimidate the other guy into leaving. He would then explain to me how he is an alpha and the guy I was talking to wasn't an alpha. I don't want a freaking alpha in the first place. We invited him along for a trip to the beach one day, and he spent the entire afternoon showing off tricks in the water in his JORTS, then at some point decided I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he stormed off POUTING! My friend made me chase after him and beg him to come back so there wouldn't be a scene. Then, he offered to take me on a tour of the city because his family has lived there for generations and I was new to town. He informed me he was a mason & spent the next 2 hours pointing out mason symbols on buildings. We passed a random guy on the street, he said hi to the guy like he knew him, and once we were out of earshot whispered to me "He's a mason, too. I shouldn't really be telling you that."
This dipshit here thought he was an alpha. That is insecure beta behavior aaaaaalllll day long.
Then there was the alpha.... this guy always wore a tight black undershirt tucked into Wranglers with cowboy boots & cowboy hat. He was a bartender at a bar my friends & I frequented. Anytime he saw me talking to another guy, he would interrupt and intimidate the other guy into leaving. He would then explain to me how he is an alpha and the guy I was talking to wasn't an alpha. I don't want a freaking alpha in the first place. We invited him along for a trip to the beach one day, and he spent the entire afternoon showing off tricks in the water in his JORTS, then at some point decided I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he stormed off POUTING! My friend made me chase after him and beg him to come back so there wouldn't be a scene. Then, he offered to take me on a tour of the city because his family has lived there for generations and I was new to town. He informed me he was a mason & spent the next 2 hours pointing out mason symbols on buildings. We passed a random guy on the street, he said hi to the guy like he knew him, and once we were out of earshot whispered to me "He's a mason, too. I shouldn't really be telling you that."
This dipshit here thought he was an alpha. That is insecure beta behavior aaaaaalllll day long.
What a weirdo!
Yep. A real alpha would never state that he's an alpha.
I have no idea how I missed this thread. Oh my WORD.
1) Ex-FI was my first and, thankfully, he was pretty dang good. Eventually. The first few times we tried, he couldn't get it up and chalked it up to 'being intimidated' by me and 'how wonderful' I was. Dude. I'm 22 and you're 13 years older than I am. I'm not buying it. The last time before we actually got it done, he got fed up by not being hard enough and decided to go down on me. Which would have been fine - if I wasn't feeling overwhelmed and insecure and ohmygoshthisisthefirsttimethishashappened and I don't know if I like it or not. He was also completely convinced that he was the ABSOLUTE best at giving head, and everyone he's ever done it to has absolutely loved it. It wasn't my favourite, or even in the top three. Eventually we do end up actually having sex, and it was pretty great for my first time. After I asked if he had come, because, again, I've never done this before, and he laughed and PATTED MY HEAD and said no.
2) I had a chicken nugget! He was a fellow geek who threw a house party. I had announced earlier that I was going to sleep in his bed because the house was full and I wasn't sleeping on the floor. I went to bed before he did, and when he got there he got all handsy and saying things like 'let my hands bring you to ecstasy'. Dude. Eventually I just got on top and started rubbing so I could go to sleep, and I could tell through my shorts that there weren't nothin' there.
3) Didn't get any further than making out with this guy, because it was like making out with a cross between a toddler and a Golden Retriever. HE LICKED MY CHIN. Done.
4) In the middle of a major dry spell, I was away for training for my job. A guy I was pretty close to graduated before I did, so I went to visit him for a weekend. We had been dirty texting leading up to the visit, and I was going to make this happen one way or another. Well, this guy was how I found out that the gentlemen are not necessarily proportional. He was 6'3" and an absolute Adonis. The arms, the chest, the legs, the ass... you'd think he'd be packing. Nope. About the size of my index finger, fully erect. When I was recapping with my friends afterwards, I said something along the lines of 'body of a dragon, penis of a gecko'. He was nicknamed the Gecko ever afterwards.
5) Still while I was training, there was another guy who qualified for the Adonis category - and the scuttlebutt around the guys in our training group was that he was the biggest around, which totally got to his head. So the night before we graduated we decided to have a bit of fun - took his pants off to see that... nope, sorry honey, you're just a show-er. You're actually average. It took everything I had not to laugh and try to do what I could - which wasn't much, because 'yeeeeeah, I've already jerked off three times today'.
The weekend before I met my now FI, I had just moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody and thought I'd try online dating to meet people. The first guy I went out with seemed super nice. A little dweeby, not exactly a catch but not bad looking. He held doors open for me, pulled my chair out for me, paid for dinner, listened to everything I said, super nice. And boring. We got back to my house, and we ended up making out. I was bored & horny, so we ended up in bed. A few minutes in, the condom is falling off. He takes it off, and then comes at me again without asking if I'm comfortable going condom-less (I'M NOT!). I say "What the fuck are you doing?!" He gets this dreamy look in his eyes and says "I can already tell you are special and we are going somewhere. I trust you." Um.... I don't trust you. I tell him to get the hell off of me because I am not comfortable going bareback. He leaves, then texts me as soon as he is home, asking when we can arrange for his family and friends to meet me, for me to see his apartment, etc etc. He has the next two days off, so can we hang out the whole time? I finally said "You're nice, but I don't think we are looking for the same thing." Then he got super angry, called me a slut, and questioned why I was on a dating site if I wasn't looking for "the one."
The bolded made me laugh out loud, because I'm totally with you. Oh, those guys that fall in love in the first 3 seconds... lol
3) Didn't get any further than making out with this guy, because it was like making out with a cross between a toddler and a Golden Retriever. HE LICKED MY CHIN. Done.
I had one of these. I remember being 22 at the time, and he was 26, and omghewassoterrible!! I felt like he was trying to swallow my head! I remember thinking, "How have you made it through life this long being this bad of a kisser?!"
Then there was the alpha.... this guy always wore a tight black undershirt tucked into Wranglers with cowboy boots & cowboy hat. He was a bartender at a bar my friends & I frequented. Anytime he saw me talking to another guy, he would interrupt and intimidate the other guy into leaving. He would then explain to me how he is an alpha and the guy I was talking to wasn't an alpha. I don't want a freaking alpha in the first place. We invited him along for a trip to the beach one day, and he spent the entire afternoon showing off tricks in the water in his JORTS, then at some point decided I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he stormed off POUTING! My friend made me chase after him and beg him to come back so there wouldn't be a scene. Then, he offered to take me on a tour of the city because his family has lived there for generations and I was new to town. He informed me he was a mason & spent the next 2 hours pointing out mason symbols on buildings. We passed a random guy on the street, he said hi to the guy like he knew him, and once we were out of earshot whispered to me "He's a mason, too. I shouldn't really be telling you that."
This dipshit here thought he was an alpha. That is insecure beta behavior aaaaaalllll day long.
What a weirdo!
Yep. A real alpha would never state that he's an alpha.
Exactly my thoughts.... alphas don't have to tell you they are alphas. Just like people who say "I'm an adult... I don't do drama" are typically the biggest drama whores on the planet.
I've only had one major relationship before FI, but it was a doozy. It started when I was 15 and ended when I was 22. He was five years older than me. It was an extreme LDR, and it mainly lasted as long as it did because he was very far away and basically got by on his British accent, which made him sound a lot smarter. Seriously, I think he was actually mentally challenged. Towards the end of our relationship we were trying to get one of us a Visa to live with the other, and it basically came down to the reality that neither of us had the skills necessary to get a work visa, and neither of us needed more school (well, he did, but he refused to go), so our only chance, according to a lawyer I spoke to, was a marriage visa. Which I thankfully decided we couldn't do.
Eventually I got a job after college that required me to move across the country. During the drive, over in his country, he'd talked to a lawyer on his own who pretty much told him a load of bullshit. He told me that all that he needed to do to get to this country was to come in, get an "under the table" job, and just not go home. Apparently this "lawyer" told him that it was legal because he wouldn't be paying taxes. Which, you know, is one of the reasons why it ISN'T legal. It was at that moment I finally realized, "Oh my God. This guy's an actual moron." I had wasted my most hormonal teenage years pining after him and had even lost my virginity to him. I was convinced he was the one, basically because he had a cool accent. Ay yi yi.
So I broke up with him and during the breakup conversation mentioned that his plan was not only wildly illegal, but that it would get me in trouble as well and I'd lose my job and basically everything I'd worked for and could go to jail for aiding and abetting. He kept insisting it wasn't illegal and I finally asked him what made him think it wasn't. His response, "Because I wouldn't do something like that to you."
He then tried to win me back with crappy homemade poetry and metaphors. Something about it not being about how high the mountain is but about...something. I dunno. It was awful and I realized that sort of shit had worked wonders on me when I was 15.
Re: The chicken nugget. (NSFW Language)
Upon arrival, dude is already on his third long island iced tea. Uhhh... ok, whatever. This would be irrelevant if he did not immediately begin talking out of his ass.
So bestie and I are making long trips to the bathroom to lol at the absurd shit this imbecile is saying. Also, her H was on my shit list for not realizing that I require more intelligence and personality in a person than what the fucking table at the restaurant is giving me.
He is just tripping over himself trying to sound as cool as possible, and motherfucker is just drowning. Here's a list of some of the better points:
- Attempts to flirt with hugely pregnant, married waitress.
- Tells bestie's H that he needs to 'get his wife on track' when he catches one of the HUNDREDS of death glares she's given him over the course of the meal.
-
When conversation leads to outdoor activities, he tries to tell me he has a snowmobile with specs that are made up.
-
He tries to impress me by showing me his boating license, which he has because he owns a boat. (He doesn't own a boat. His dad does.)
- He doesn't understand that bestie and I are blatantly texting each other at the table. Like, elbows on the table, and then pointing at the other one when we've sent a message.
-
My second-favorite dumb thing he said was when he explains that he makes tons of money plowing for a local town, "I don't even know how much, just a lot."
- Tries to touch my leg under the table.
- He brought up Bestie's husband's former girlfriend. That girl, who was super cool, died probably 3 years beforehand on a major holiday surrounded by distraught friends and family after she'd contracted meningitis. That is not blind date discussion material. That is not discussion material to bring up to Bestie's H. That is not discussion material to bring up in front of Bestie as she was pretty good friends with the girl. What in THE FUCK.
At this point, I decide to text my mom about what the fuck is going on. She and my dad are at dinner with some friends. Mom is relaying the story to the group. I ask her to call me and give me an out. I have texted my friend who is with me about this plan. She is going to back me up when I get the phone call.I do not get a phone call. Instead I get a text that says, "We want to hear how this ends. Put it on the family card, because you are sticking this out for our entertainment.
Finally, the bill shows up. This is the highlight of the evening.
I already had my card out so that I could pay for my own meal and drinks. I do not want this dude to pay for my stuff. I do not want him to think he has done me a favor. I do not want to eat at this restaurant ever again because his fool ass is a regular. No no. Please do not pay for my stuff. No no no.
Waitress comes by, and he grabs the book, takes my credit card out and goes, "My girl doesn't pay for her food. Put it on my card, I can back up more money than you can with yours," and then he winks at me. I can feel my stomach flip in the barfy way.
Waitress looks at me like I am a sickly animal that needs to be put out of its misery. I agree with this, because this is how I feel. This night will never end. She walks away
Bestie, in her infinite wisdom goes, "Was that your debit card?"
Weirdo: "Yup. Don't even know how much is on there."
Bestie: "It's however much you put in the bank. Do you get your paychecks put in there with direct deposit, and then pay your bills from that account?"
Weirdo: "Yup."
I don't know about y'all, but when I hear, "I don't even know how much is on there." I am not impressed. I don't care what kind of bravado you use when you say it unless you are one of the known to be fabulously wealthy people. Not some rando that works with my friend part-time and lives over his mom's garage. I'm not knocking either of those things, but don't try to sell me on all the coins you potentially have by saying you don't know how much is in your account.
Receipts come back. I have to figure out the tip for Warren Buffett. Eyes are on the prize, because it's time to leave. This was my feeling:
I basically glue myself to bestie as we walk out to our cars. Bestie's husband is going to drive Donald Trump home because he is drunk at this point. He says, "HEY B, WE ARE DEFINITELY HANGING OUT FRIDAY. Meet me here!!!!"
I do not respond. I am pretending to be part of bestie's jacket. Her H is wrangling weirdo into the truck.
Her H got home, and they called me. Weirdo kept going on and on about how he was going to hit that and he couldn't believe how well that went over. Bestie's H was asked to please never attempt to set me up with anybody ever again. He agreed, and said he acts like a normal person at work.
Apparently weirdo bragged to the work crew that he almost got to fuck me, and then could not understand when Bestie's H corrected him that it was never, ever going to happen, and then regaled the crew with the story.
Bestie loves to tell this story to people at parties, and we send each other, "I have a boat license, because I have a boat," or "Couldn't tell ya how much money's in that account. I'll pay for everything," texts every now and then for a chuckle.
I'm the fuck out.
My ex openly bragged about having a 2-inch dick. We broke up because my career aspirations didn't include an illegal pot farm, like his did.
Then there was the guy my parents still refer to as Charles Manson (serious look alike), who I soon found out was sleeping with at least 2 other girls at any given time during our relationship. The relationship ended when he stole my rent money for drugs... and of course denied it.
I'm the fuck out.
In between the end of my last long term, significant relationship, and meeting FI, I must have dated half the guys in my city. So many first dates. I do blame myself - doe eyes, and a flashing 'asshole' sign on my forehead. Here are a few of the better ones.
When I first moved here, I hadn't yet perfected my subway face. Which, for those of you unfamiliar, is a bitch face. It tells all the crazies to leave you alone, that you haven't had your coffee yet, and that you have no time for their shenanigans.
So, within a month, I was harassed, hit on, and asked out by no fewer than 6 guys on the train. The first time it happened.. Le sigh. I had to move past a young man to get off at my stop, and apparently we made eye contact. Who knows. Anyway, he ran off after me, and asked if I would be his valentine. Young, naive, and fresh on the rebound, I mistook crazy for sweet, and said sure, why not. Apparently, that was me agreeing to a date on valentine's day itself.
He picked me up in a cab (which he let me pay for), and brought me a snickers (he said that flowers were too boring). The restaurant he chose had live music, so was charging a cover. He didn't have cash, so asked me to pay. Spent the entire meal telling me about his mothers mental illness, and his long-term unemployment (had been coming from an interview when we met, hence his nice suit, and my mistaking him for someone who had their life together), and his battle with low self-esteem.
As the daughter of a mother with similar issues, I understand the difficulty that that brings to your life, but there's a time and place. And a first date is neither.
The check comes, and it sits there. After a few minutes, I reached for my wallet, thinking that that might trigger his manners. He looked at me, grinned, and said thanks.
He suggested drinks, and I suggested that I was going home. He insisted on dropping me off in a cab. At my corner, I went to hop out, and he insisted on getting out with me, and walking me to my door. "It has always been my intention to walk you to your door and give you a kiss on the cheek". Holy crazy. My downstairs neighbor was on the front porch smoking, and this guy got all confrontational with him - "Excuse me, can we help you?" So mortified. He stood there waiting for me to go inside (after he had creepily kissed me on the cheek, with ceremony). Peeking out through the window to make sure he was walking away, I went back outside to apologize to the neighbor. Guy turns around halfway down the block, and just stands there staring. For a good 2 minutes.
That got too long, will try to be quicker with others.
First date, dinner at a cool spot downtown was suggested. But he didn't make a rez, and this place is notorious for having a crazy wait. So his solution was to have drinks at his apt instead of waiting there. It was cold out, and half a block away, so I agreed. 5 steps into the place and he started taking his clothes off. I shot that idea down real quick. He then spent 10 minutes showing me his shoe collection, before it became quite clear that he had a fetish. I was home on my couch with Chinese takeout before the restaurant called that our table was ready.
Another first date. This was a blind date, met online. He suggested meeting at a bar. At 11am. On a Sunday. It was gorgeous out. Benefit of the doubt, maybe he wanted to play pool. Maybe he was hungover and craving nachos. Maybe he really enjoyed the smell of stale beer. He was 25 minutes late, with no text. And no apology when he arrived. Spent the next 10 minutes negging me. "Do you wax your own eyebrows?" "No", I replied, "I don't actually do anything to them - they're just naturally great!" "I didn't say they looked good". Walked out. Might have used the phrase Lemon Law.
And yet another. Dinner was nice, although he was a bit controlling. Totally alpha, completely type-A. I had two cocktails, he had 4. Drinks after, I had one, he had two. Back at his place (no shade) I had one, he had 4. Woke up the next morning, cuteness cuddling on the couch, helped him tidy up. Came out of the bathroom to catch him slugging vodka out of the bottle. Ouch.
Lastly, just for the ridiculous factor. Went out with a guy a handful of times. He was nice, but not terribly bright, or funny. Hot though, damn. One night started fooling around on my couch. Clothes started coming off, and I had to leave the room to keep from laughing in his face. His junk was shaped like a cone. Almost like a perfect triangle. At the base, it was so big that I couldn't even come close to closing my hand around it (and I have big hands). The head was the size of a grape.
Edited for typos.
As for stories...hm. A high-school ex once tried to convince me to give him a hand job in a church parking lot. While he gagged himself.
I'm the fuck out.
Then there was this guy I worked with. He's like 10 years older than me, lives with his mom and has never gotten his drivers license. I worked at this place for like 9 years and the entire time he was trying to get me to date him. One time he thought giving me a cd of his favorite music would do the trick. Was 2 full cds of star wars music, he even wrote down all the track names. He would also give my mom candy and then ask if she still though he was too old for me. (I worked with my mom at the time)
B/F from college was...shall we say...a bit on the small side, but at least not a nugget. And what was even funnier is he was a pretty big dude...6'1" 300 pounds of mostly muscle...so the size comparison was even worse for him.
He was a bit self conscious about his size and was in a room in the library hanging out with friends one day (I wasn't there) when random factoid came out that the average size is 4.5". He starts excitedly announcing, "I'm average! I'm average!" What he didn't realize was EVERYONE could hear their conversation and a mutual friend who worked at the library walked in and told him, "We're all glad you're average, but please keep your voice down."
So, his friends relate this story to me. One of them expressed surprise that he would have said this because the guy is normally such a braggard (and, oh he was!). To which my response was to laugh and say, "For him to say he is average IS bragging!"
First major relationship was with my high school sweetheart. 8 years, totally dysfunctional relationship, but I was young and in love and just didn't know any better. 2 DUIs later, I finally cheated on him and broke up with him. Totally dodged a bullet with this guy... since I lost my virginity to him, I didn't realize how ill-equipped he was, and how untalented he was with his lack of equipment. And 6 years post break up, he still reaches out to me 2-3 times a year. I always ignore it, and he still keeps trying.
Between HS sweetheart & FI, I dated (read: slept with) several men. Just enjoyed being single and being me and not worrying. I met one guy that I went out with a couple of times. I knew on the first date this wouldn't be a long term or serious relationship, but he was fun enough to hang out with. I could tell by his personality that he was dating other women, which was fine by me because I wasn't interested in anything serious. He would make plans, then break them, or wait until Thursday night to make weekend plans. If I was free, I'd hang out, if not, then I wouldn't. No big deal. He wasn't anything amazing in bed, but he was better than my ex so what the heck? He randomly texted me one day to tell me he didn't think he could give me the time commitment I was looking for. I just said "Okay. Have a nice life." A few weeks later, he drunk dialed me and invited me over. He asked me to stay the night. Okay whatever. I did. I was moving 4 hours away a couple of weeks later, and he cancelled the only other plans we had between that night and me moving. After I moved, he would call or text me every couple of weeks to try to have phone sex/solicit boob pics/make plans for me to visit him/etc. Even after I started dating my now FI, he kept texting & calling even though I kept telling him I was in a relationship. Once I moved 700 miles away to be with my now FI/then boyfriend, he finally seemed to realize I was in a serious relationship and finally left me alone.
Another guy I dated around this time lived about an hour south of me, in a small town. He came into the city to meet women because the women in his small town were all toothless hicks. He was very disparaging about men who work in offices and don't work with their hands (he was a mechanic). He was very judgmental about the small town mentality/culture, but when he offered to take me to dinner, he suggested Applebee's. We were in Atlanta - why on earth would you come into Atlanta to take a woman on a first date at Applebees? Like going to Italy and finding a Pizza Hut for dinner. I suggested an awesome restaurant & raw bar overlooking a historical cemetery that has amazing food. He was overwhelmed by the food because it was all so high-falutin', and settled on a fried chicken salad with honey mustard dressing. I gave him a chance for a second date, and on the way, he asked me what I liked to drink. When we got to the bar, he kept ordering drinks for me. Normally, that wouldn't irritate me, but he got my freaking drink wrong. That was the end of that.
The weekend before I met my now FI, I had just moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody and thought I'd try online dating to meet people. The first guy I went out with seemed super nice. A little dweeby, not exactly a catch but not bad looking. He held doors open for me, pulled my chair out for me, paid for dinner, listened to everything I said, super nice. And boring. We got back to my house, and we ended up making out. I was bored & horny, so we ended up in bed. A few minutes in, the condom is falling off. He takes it off, and then comes at me again without asking if I'm comfortable going condom-less (I'M NOT!). I say "What the fuck are you doing?!" He gets this dreamy look in his eyes and says "I can already tell you are special and we are going somewhere. I trust you." Um.... I don't trust you. I tell him to get the hell off of me because I am not comfortable going bareback. He leaves, then texts me as soon as he is home, asking when we can arrange for his family and friends to meet me, for me to see his apartment, etc etc. He has the next two days off, so can we hang out the whole time? I finally said "You're nice, but I don't think we are looking for the same thing." Then he got super angry, called me a slut, and questioned why I was on a dating site if I wasn't looking for "the one."
Then there was the alpha.... this guy always wore a tight black undershirt tucked into Wranglers with cowboy boots & cowboy hat. He was a bartender at a bar my friends & I frequented. Anytime he saw me talking to another guy, he would interrupt and intimidate the other guy into leaving. He would then explain to me how he is an alpha and the guy I was talking to wasn't an alpha. I don't want a freaking alpha in the first place. We invited him along for a trip to the beach one day, and he spent the entire afternoon showing off tricks in the water in his JORTS, then at some point decided I wasn't paying enough attention to him so he stormed off POUTING! My friend made me chase after him and beg him to come back so there wouldn't be a scene. Then, he offered to take me on a tour of the city because his family has lived there for generations and I was new to town. He informed me he was a mason & spent the next 2 hours pointing out mason symbols on buildings. We passed a random guy on the street, he said hi to the guy like he knew him, and once we were out of earshot whispered to me "He's a mason, too. I shouldn't really be telling you that."
I'm the fuck out.
I have no idea how I missed this thread. Oh my WORD.
1) Ex-FI was my first and, thankfully, he was pretty dang good. Eventually. The first few times we tried, he couldn't get it up and chalked it up to 'being intimidated' by me and 'how wonderful' I was. Dude. I'm 22 and you're 13 years older than I am. I'm not buying it. The last time before we actually got it done, he got fed up by not being hard enough and decided to go down on me. Which would have been fine - if I wasn't feeling overwhelmed and insecure and ohmygoshthisisthefirsttimethishashappened and I don't know if I like it or not. He was also completely convinced that he was the ABSOLUTE best at giving head, and everyone he's ever done it to has absolutely loved it. It wasn't my favourite, or even in the top three. Eventually we do end up actually having sex, and it was pretty great for my first time. After I asked if he had come, because, again, I've never done this before, and he laughed and PATTED MY HEAD and said no.
2) I had a chicken nugget! He was a fellow geek who threw a house party. I had announced earlier that I was going to sleep in his bed because the house was full and I wasn't sleeping on the floor. I went to bed before he did, and when he got there he got all handsy and saying things like 'let my hands bring you to ecstasy'. Dude. Eventually I just got on top and started rubbing so I could go to sleep, and I could tell through my shorts that there weren't nothin' there.
3) Didn't get any further than making out with this guy, because it was like making out with a cross between a toddler and a Golden Retriever. HE LICKED MY CHIN. Done.
4) In the middle of a major dry spell, I was away for training for my job. A guy I was pretty close to graduated before I did, so I went to visit him for a weekend. We had been dirty texting leading up to the visit, and I was going to make this happen one way or another. Well, this guy was how I found out that the gentlemen are not necessarily proportional. He was 6'3" and an absolute Adonis. The arms, the chest, the legs, the ass... you'd think he'd be packing. Nope. About the size of my index finger, fully erect. When I was recapping with my friends afterwards, I said something along the lines of 'body of a dragon, penis of a gecko'. He was nicknamed the Gecko ever afterwards.
5) Still while I was training, there was another guy who qualified for the Adonis category - and the scuttlebutt around the guys in our training group was that he was the biggest around, which totally got to his head. So the night before we graduated we decided to have a bit of fun - took his pants off to see that... nope, sorry honey, you're just a show-er. You're actually average. It took everything I had not to laugh and try to do what I could - which wasn't much, because 'yeeeeeah, I've already jerked off three times today'.
I'm the fuck out.