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Etiquette

bridesmaid dresses

whovianstarkwhovianstark member
100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited November 2014 in Etiquette
My goal for the bridesmaids dress was to pick a color and fabric that the bridesmaids can then choose a style they will be comfortable with. I found one option, (I wasn't even committed to this option!) and one of the bridemaids flipped out about the about $225 price tag.This is just upsetting to me, because of all of the bridemaids this wouldn't be a financial burden for her, and the others didn't care. She stated that I shouldn't go to a bridal shop because they will overcharge and that you could get the exact same dress at JCPenny. This would be a huge annoyance because all of my bridemaids live in different states.  I am perfectly fine looking for other, less expensive, options at other bridal shops. It just hurt that she didn't offer to help find the dress but still attacked me about the price. How should I explain that in order to find a quality dress where people can choose different styles it will need to come from a bridal shop?

Thanks!
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Re: bridesmaid dresses

  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    My goal for the bridesmaids dress was to pick a color and fabric that the bridesmaids can then choose a style they will be comfortable with. I found one option, (I wasn't even committed to this option!) and one of the bridemaids flipped out about the about $225 price tag.This is just upsetting to me, because of all of the bridemaids this wouldn't be a financial burden for her, and the others didn't care. She stated that I shouldn't go to a bridal shop because they will overcharge and that you could get the exact same dress at JCPenny. This would be a huge annoyance because all of my bridemaids live in different states.  I am perfectly fine looking for other, less expensive, options at other bridal shops. It just hurt that she didn't offer to help find the dress but still attacked me about the price. How should I explain that in order to find a quality dress where people can choose different styles it will need to come from a bridal shop?

    Thanks!
    Ask everyone (privately) what their budget for a dress is.  Then, find a dress that is, at most, the lowest budgeted price.  

    Also, never assume someone's financial situation, no matter how close you are to them or how well you think you know them.
    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • Honestly, I didn't even get a chance to discuss with anyone the budget because the other bridesmaid sent her a picture and the price without my knowledge. And I was just looking at it for style options. I guess what I meant about the financial burden is that for the other bridemaids it would be more of a financial burden but she is the one that railroaded me because she is extremely frugal. Thanks for the feedback.
  • You should always speak to everyone in your wedding party first (privately) and ask what their budget is. Just because they can afford to spend $225 on a dress they'll wear once, doesn't mean they want to or feel that it's appropriate.

    I would go back to each of my BMs and find out their budget, then spend some time researching what I can get within that spectrum. You could also tell them a length/color/fabric/designer/style that's important to you and let them find a dress that suits them on their own (or with your help if you're so inclined). Good luck and happy planning!
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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Honestly, I didn't even get a chance to discuss with anyone the budget because the other bridesmaid sent her a picture and the price without my knowledge. And I was just looking at it for style options. I guess what I meant about the financial burden is that for the other bridemaids it would be more of a financial burden but she is the one that railroaded me because she is extremely frugal. Thanks for the feedback.

    Well there's your problem. You need to get a budget from everybody unless you're willing to buy all the dresses. Once you get a budget, you go with the LOWEST price point out of your bridesmaids. They lead their wallets for this purchase, not the other way around.

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    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    You should have asked privately for each woman's budget before you started nailing down options.  Then you go with the lowest budget (unless you are willing to pay for the dresses yourself, in which case go hog wild).
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Thanks! Yes the others that I presented the option to I said, "just have a look at the style I am perfectly fine looking for less expensive dress". I guess the main problem I was having in finding a dress was finding the specific color since it is a tough color to match. The vibe I got from the others is that they would prefer if I selected a dress so that they all looked nice together but I might just switch to pick your own.
  • 1.  You should have asked each bridesmaid individually what their budget is and not presented any options to them over the lowest budget.
    2.  Don't judge her financial position.  Not only is it gauche and none of your business, but you can never be certain.
    3.  Her ability to afford it isn't material unless she previously agreed to spend that much.  This is a dress that in all likelihood she will wear exactly once - it's understandable to not want to spend a lot of money for that.  And different people prioritize different things.  I, for one, cannot fathom spending hundreds to thousands of dollars for a Louis Vuitton, Prada, or Coach handbag - yet lots of people do it - lots of people who make the same modest amount of money I make do it.  Meanwhile, I'm sure lots of people can't fathom why I'll spend money on MAC, Smashbox, Lancome, Hourglass, and NARS when I can get Cover Girl or Maybelline for a fraction of the price.

    If you're not making them get the exact same dress, then give her your guidelines - length, color, fabric - and let her go to town finding herself a bargain on a dress she picks out.  If you want something a typical wedding designer dress, then maybe she'll luck out and find a used one on a site like preownedweddingdresses.com.  They have plenty of dresses for 40-80 dollars.
    esstee33
  • Thanks! Yes the others that I presented the option to I said, "just have a look at the style I am perfectly fine looking for less expensive dress". I guess the main problem I was having in finding a dress was finding the specific color since it is a tough color to match. The vibe I got from the others is that they would prefer if I selected a dress so that they all looked nice together but I might just switch to pick your own.
    I think I get what you're saying and I had a similar situation on a smaller scale.  My girls decided they wanted to get matching manis and pedis in some color ranging from champagne to gold, so I started looking for different color options for them to choose from, with the plan in mind that we would pick one, I would buy a bottle for each girl and they could choose if they wanted to take that bottle to a salon and get them done professionally or do it themselves.  I sent the links to about five different colors to them just to narrow down ideas of what they liked, including a Butter brand nail polish that cost $15 a bottle.  I hadn't explicitly stated that I would be buying the nail polish for them, and one of my BMs flipped out at me and was like "There is no freaking way I'm spending $15 for a bottle of nail polish.  I will only get that if we agree to split it [the cost of one bottle] three ways between us."  I was so put off by her attitude when all I was trying to do was show them color options to get ideas.  No one suggested that was the one we were going to go with- it was one of five options I shared that night alone... so I just felt like she was being overly hostile about it.  And I didn't even get into how she thought the logistics of three people splitting a single bottle of nail polish would work... but in the end all I could say was that I was going to pay for it so she didn't need to worry and all we were trying to do is get a color idea in mind.  

    Which is really all you can do here... I think if you love that dress (and provided the only thing she has against it is the cost, and not that she doesn't feel comfortable in that style) you should be prepared to help her cover the cost.  And if you're content to keep looking for something everyone likes that is less expensive, just bluntly tell her that at this stage you're not looking at price tags but just trying to share ideas to get a feel for what each girl wants. 
    whovianstark
  • Thanks, themosthappy91, that was very helpful. I was really just looking to see if people liked it or not, because I can't see myself falling in love with a bridesmaids dress that everyone has to have. I will follow your advice!
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm telling you guys. Please. Focus. This is important:

    If we could just go back to having attendants wear whatever they damn well please there would be lots more energy left over for kitty cat and puppy gifs, looking for pots of gold and rainbows, and trying to find fossil DNA of unicorns so we could bring them back to life. Andplusalso, building a second margarita machine for the break room. 

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    PrettyGirlLostViczaesarChemFanatic25Liatris2010
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014

    If your post was just about the fact that your BM freaked out on you and not actually about the fact that she won't pay that much for a dress, why is the title of your post "Only one BM upset about the cost of dress"? I don't understand what you actually need advice on?

    To reiterate: your friends' financial situations, and what they choose to spend their money on, is None.Of.Your.Business. Period. Your wedding is not the most important event in their lives that they will want to blow tons of cash on.

    ETA: Wow, way to change your title after you were called out!

    Formerly martha1818

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    PrettyGirlLostesstee33[Deleted User]
  • I

    If your post was just about the fact that your BM freaked out on you and not actually about the fact that she won't pay that much for a dress, why is the title of your post "Only one BM upset about the cost of dress"? I don't understand what you actually need advice on?

    To reiterate: your friends' financial situations, and what they choose to spend their money on, is None.Of.Your.Business. Period. Your wedding is not the most important event in their lives that they will want to blow tons of cash on.

    ETA: Wow, way to change your title after you were called out!


    I posted this because I was looking for feedback, and if you read my comments the issue was clarified and already resolved by other users. I understand my title was misleading so I changed it. But I'm glad it made you feel better to correct me. And thank you for posting a GIF of Gossip Girls as an example of Good Ettiquette


  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I

    If your post was just about the fact that your BM freaked out on you and not actually about the fact that she won't pay that much for a dress, why is the title of your post "Only one BM upset about the cost of dress"? I don't understand what you actually need advice on?

    To reiterate: your friends' financial situations, and what they choose to spend their money on, is None.Of.Your.Business. Period. Your wedding is not the most important event in their lives that they will want to blow tons of cash on.

    ETA: Wow, way to change your title after you were called out!


    I posted this because I was looking for feedback, and if you read my comments the issue was clarified and already resolved by other users. I understand my title was misleading so I changed it. But I'm glad it made you feel better to correct me. And thank you for posting a GIF of Gossip Girls as an example of Good Ettiquette


    My gif is part of my signature. It has nothing to do with you. Also, Good Etiquette is not a person so there's no need to capitalize it.

    Formerly martha1818

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    KatieinBklnPrettyGirlLostesstee33FizzySips
  • I

    If your post was just about the fact that your BM freaked out on you and not actually about the fact that she won't pay that much for a dress, why is the title of your post "Only one BM upset about the cost of dress"? I don't understand what you actually need advice on?

    To reiterate: your friends' financial situations, and what they choose to spend their money on, is None.Of.Your.Business. Period. Your wedding is not the most important event in their lives that they will want to blow tons of cash on.

    ETA: Wow, way to change your title after you were called out!


    I posted this because I was looking for feedback, and if you read my comments the issue was clarified and already resolved by other users. I understand my title was misleading so I changed it. But I'm glad it made you feel better to correct me. And thank you for posting a GIF of Gossip Girls as an example of Good Ettiquette


    My gif is part of my signature. It has nothing to do with you. Also, Good Etiquette is not a person so there's no need to capitalize it.
    Gossip Girl GIF's for the win!  Blair Waldorf is my spirit animal.

    Before you start sending pics to anyone, find out ALL of your bridesmaids budgets.  AND take into consideration the cost of alterations.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    OP,

    Why dont you tell us what color and style of dress you are looking for and then we can help you find something a bit more reasonably priced?

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    whovianstarkcowgirl8238southernbelle0915
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    KatWAG said:

    OP,

    Why dont you tell us what color and style of dress you are looking for and then we can help you find something a bit more reasonably priced?

    Or just give your BM'S a color and length and let them pick their own dress?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Wait a second. I'm hung up on the fact that you think you can only get a good quality dress from a bridal boutique, OP. 

    While it's true that bridal boutiques can have some nice quality dresses, they can also have some very cheaply made bad quality dresses too, and I agree with your bridesmaid that they're usually over-priced. 

    Macy's, Nordstroms, JCrew, BCBG, etc are all places that are NOT bridal boutiques but have very nice quality dresses. There are literally thousands of options. Maybe expand your horizons a little bit and that will help you find a dress. Or as PP suggested, give us some details and we can help you search. 
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  • Lots of designers have different designs and you can have them pick out their own dress style in the color and fabric you like. The last wedding I was in the dress was $250. I found it on ebay for $130. Ask her what is a reasonable budget and go from there. What dress were you looking at?
    PrettyGirlLost
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wait a second. I'm hung up on the fact that you think you can only get a good quality dress from a bridal boutique, OP. 

    While it's true that bridal boutiques can have some nice quality dresses, they can also have some very cheaply made bad quality dresses too, and I agree with your bridesmaid that they're usually over-priced. 

    Macy's, Nordstroms, JCrew, BCBG, etc are all places that are NOT bridal boutiques but have very nice quality dresses. There are literally thousands of options. Maybe expand your horizons a little bit and that will help you find a dress. Or as PP suggested, give us some details and we can help you search. 
    To piggyback on this, even the "regular" store "bridal" lines are expensive. I was drawn to JCrew and Ann Taylor, which all had regularly priced dresses well over $200. Since I was doing black bridesmaid dresses, two of my girls found dresses at White House Black Market with retail prices and excellent quality below $200.  

    Like most other things in The Industry, slap the word "bridal" on it and increase the price. 
    ________________________________


    novella1186weddingcactusPrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks everyone, I've already figured out the issue with my friend, just a miscommunication issue :). But since some of you offered to help... The main thing I wanted was to pick a designer and color and let them choose the style, because one of them will most likely be pregnant and they are all in different states. So I just thought that would be easiest with bridal , but if I could find something that would work at Macy's I'd be happy with that. It was mainly the miscommunication where I thought she was saying the had to go to JC Penny that I had trouble with.
  • Thanks everyone, I've already figured out the issue with my friend, just a miscommunication issue :). But since some of you offered to help... The main thing I wanted was to pick a designer and color and let them choose the style, because one of them will most likely be pregnant and they are all in different states. So I just thought that would be easiest with bridal , but if I could find something that would work at Macy's I'd be happy with that. It was mainly the miscommunication where I thought she was saying the had to go to JC Penny that I had trouble with.
    I don't think there's necessarily any reason to abandon bridal lines once you know what their budget is. If you're curious to see prices for various lines without going into a salon, go to rkbridal.com (it's a legit site) and browse the various lines to get a feel for price ranges. Allure, Bari Jay, Mori Lee, and Alfred Angelo are all fairly reasonable brands, or at least have a few styles at what I would consider a reasonable price point. Allure and Alfred Angelo seem to offer more choices with straps which was important to many of my BMs. 

    In my case, we ended up going with Allure and they each picked out a different style dress in the color I picked. Their long chiffon dresses ran $150-180 at my salon, and it was especially nice since I had bought my wedding dress there they each got 15% off. Since the lowest budget point was for $200, it was really comfortable for all of them. Good luck!
    whovianstark
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    Shit I totally shut a bride down too who began showing us 300 dollar dresses. We ended up going with one much cheaper. I can totally afford 300, and so could a few of the other maids, but hell NO do we want to spend that much on a dress we didn't really pick out for ourselves and that we will only wear once.

    You know where I want to spend my extra money? On my own wedding. Student loans. Video games. Liquor. 

    Just cause she has the money doesn't mean she wants to spend it on the dress. I love clothes but I could think of 100 better ways to spend my money. 

    And I will never justify why I choose to spend the money I earned on what I feel like spending on. My money, my choice.

    You should apply all of the above to every single person in your life.
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  • larrygaga said:
    Shit I totally shut a bride down too who began showing us 300 dollar dresses. We ended up going with one much cheaper. I can totally afford 300, and so could a few of the other maids, but hell NO do we want to spend that much on a dress we didn't really pick out for ourselves and that we will only wear once.

    You know where I want to spend my extra money? On my own wedding. Student loans. Video games. Liquor. 

    Just cause she has the money doesn't mean she wants to spend it on the dress. I love clothes but I could think of 100 better ways to spend my money. 

    And I will never justify why I choose to spend the money I earned on what I feel like spending on. My money, my choice.

    You should apply all of the above to every single person in your life.

    I feel like I should clarify about the issue so people don't think I'm entitled (or something worse). I understand the original post was unclear, and I was kind of upset when I wrote it.

    The issue has already been resolved with my friend

    If anyone is curious here's what happened:

    I picked out my wedding dress with one of my bridesmaids, they said I get a discount on bridesmaids dresses there. Since my color is hard to match and the shop is a bit far from my home just to try on bridesmaids dresses, we decided to see what we could find then and there. Without my knowledge the bridesmaid who was with me sent a picture to the other maid about the dress (because she didn't see a problem with the cost). I called maid in question about an unrelated issue and she went off about the cost of the dress and how much cheaper a dress would be from JC Penny. I was just thrown off guard because I hadn't even had a chance to discuss style or cost with any of the bridesmaids because this is way ahead of schedule. And I was in no way emotionally tied to the dress. I guess the main issue was that it seemed like she kept insisting I go to JC Penny (which for my situation would be a logistical nightmare) and I didn't see a problem with going to a bridal shop when David's Bridal has dresses for $99 and I'm sure all of them are on preowned sites.
  • Honestly, for me the major issue with shopping in a department store etc is that it can be very difficult to find exactly what you are looking for.  For example, I know that I want my BMs in matching dresses.  Some people are doing non-matches these days and that's fine, but I like matching.  I want floor length because A] it's a very formal wedding and B] my MOH is SUPER picky about shoes due to having extra-extra wide feet and if I were to try to pick shoes for everyone she would be a nightmare to find shoes for so it's easier to just let them choose anything they want within a couple color options on that and floor length will cover that they don't match.  Then theres the fact that I (like just about every bride) have my wedding colors picked and so the dresses need to be a certain color (a specific shade of green).  Also, I have a total of 6 girls when you include my BMs and my FHs female bridal party members who will basically be BMs as well (we aren't worried about keeping things even).  4 of them are in the large to plus size range, 1 is tall and athletic, and 1 is a child.  The fact that I have a child in the party means that strapless is out (I don't think strapless is appropriate on children personally) and I need a dress that will fit both a kid (granted she's 12 so can wear adult sizes if altered down a bit) all the way through plus size (I think the biggest is about an 18 or 20).

    So anyhoo, basically even though I know going to a bridal shop is more expensive it really is often the only way to go.  I could search for months in dept stores and never find a non-strapless, floor length formal dress that comes in a wide enough range of sizes and happens to be the right shade of green!  Whereas in a bridal shop you can walk in, look at silhouettes and then pick the sizes you want from a very wide range and get that dress in any number of colors.

    Either that or I am leaning towards having my girls dresses made by a seamstress.  It depends on the area but around me it's often cheaper than buying from the salons.
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Or, you know, you could realize that an identical dress won't look identical between an adult and a child anyway, and let the child wear a different dress, and quit caring about shoes at all because those definitely don't need to match, and you're not allowed to require that they match unless you pay for them.

    And no, "just about every bride" is not so nitpicky about specific colors. 

    Have you read ANYTHING here? At all? 
    After seeing some of her other posts.....I'm gonna go with no.  No she has not.
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    PrettyGirlLostesstee33[Deleted User]
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm confused as to why adults need to wear matching shoes if their dresses are cocktail length.... 
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