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When the officiant says they don't want to be paid

blabla89blabla89 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Do you give them a gift anyway?

Our officiant and his wife are good friends of mine. He's the pastor of the church I attended in college and I visit with his wife regularly. He said that he doesn't want any payment or gift, since we're friends, and his family would be attending our wedding even if he weren't officiating. Still, we've budgeted to pay the officiant and since he's a friend, we wouldn't feel right about not giving him anything as a thank you. Giving cash seems a little gauche, but we were thinking of sending a thank you note after the wedding with a gift certificate for dinner at a very nice restaurant. Does this sound okay, or should we take him at his word and not give anything? What's the proper etiquette for this situation?
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Re: When the officiant says they don't want to be paid

  • apromise22apromise22 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    What about making a donation to his church?
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    nhs226 said:

    What about making a donation to his church?

    This is a good idea. As much as I would definitely love to at least give a gift as a thank you, given the circumstances it might come off as a little rude to deliberately ignore their request. If you wanted to, you could say "Since you said you did not want any payment or gift for officiating, I would love to make a donation to the church. That way, everybody wins." I think this is a thoughtful compromise and since even he knows a donation will benefit the church as a whole, he won't be offended at all.
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  • dramamonkeydramamonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    My officiant (a Rabbi) was a cousin of my mothers (my first cousin, once removed) who would have been invited anyway. He absolutely refused payment (it was his gift) so instead I made a nice ($250) contribution to his synagogue in his honor.
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    nhs226 said:
    What about making a donation to his church?
    Forgot to add - he also said no donation, which is what we had initially planned and intended to give to the church's new building fund. I guess either way it's ignoring his wishes, but I still wouldn't feel right about not giving anything. So should I give the donation anyway? Would this be the most appropriate way to go?
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  • allispainallispain member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014
    My personal view is that if he specifically requested that no gift be given, you honor that wish. The way I see it, it's as if his role at your wedding is their gift to you - you don't give a gift to someone just because they gave you a gift. Had he not been so specific (no payment, no gift, no donation), then I think giving them something would have been lovely. However, I think it would be rude to blatantly ignore his request.

    That being said, you can always give a nice donation to his church in honor of your first anniversary or something along those lines. That would help compensate while still honoring his wishes now.

    ETA - typing is hard without coffee
    image
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    At least send a nice card with a heartfelt message inside. Your kind sentiments will be compensation enough if he's adamant on not receiving anything at all
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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think the gift card would be fine. (:
    image
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  • lc07lc07 member
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    This would be hard for me because I don't like to be indebted to people but I would respect his wishes but keep an eye out for the next time I could be generous to him or a fundraising cause of his that I believed in in the very near future. I would write a heartfelt note of thanks for sure, of course, though.
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  • danamwdanamw member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    Our officiant was a minister at my H's family's church. We gave him a check, and he said he didn't accept payment for doing weddings.

    He asked if he could donate it to the church, we said of course.

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  • melbensomelbenso member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2014
    If the officiant really doesn't want to be paid and doesn't want a donation to the church either (and I assume wouldn't want/you think would be offended by a gift card or thank you gift either), I would just send him/her a nice thank you card. 
    image
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  • RosieC18RosieC18 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    I agree - a thank you note appears to be the way to go. If you think he would like it you could also send a nicely framed photo of him and his wife, or him and the two of you frok the when you get your pics back, but even that feels a little strange given his insistence against a gift.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    RosieC18 said:
    I agree - a thank you note appears to be the way to go. If you think he would like it you could also send a nicely framed photo of him and his wife, or him and the two of you frok the when you get your pics back, but even that feels a little strange given his insistence against a gift.
    Maybe, but the framed picture is more of a "token" than a "gift".  It's almost like receiving a candle as a gift for attending a shower; a favor for my VIPs that I'm sending out after the wedding.
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