Did your SO and you have a plan in case of a whoopsie?

princessofgenovia · December 2014

I am thinking right now, our lives kind of lend themselves nicely to an unplanned pregnancy.

My job is flexible and I'm able to work for home every so often. We have a second bedroom, we live a decent neighborhood, we drive cars with backseats, we make decent livings, honestly we'd just have to figure out childcare.

Emotionally is another aspect all together. There are days I can barely take care of myself, let alone another teeny tiny human. One that is totally dependent on me. For everything. That's fucking terrifying.

ChemFanatic25 · December 2014

larrygaga said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

beethery said:

JennyColada said:

So, I guess, what I'm taking away from this thread is that at one point or another, each of you had a serious discussion with your SO's if something were to/did happen . . ? Even if you didn't have a plan in place after the discussion.
I mean, I'd hope so! This seems like an important discussion for any couple engaging in sexual intercourse, and even moreso for a couple planning and intending to spend the rest of their days together!

Gotta have a plan when you're fucking someone on the regular. Especially if you are sticking with them for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I completely agree with you and yet, I don't have one. Like I didn't even have one with my ex-FI and we were engaged! Didn't even think about it. Now I have been thinking about it and I'm thinking "hmmm, I wonder if I should bring it up. Wait . . . is it necessary? I mean I know his views . . . oh brother, I have no idea!" My head's a little evil.

Yes please talk about it. You will thank us later.

and @breethery I think I'm going to do this. I have never talked about it seriously with anyone before though and I figured, the ladies on the knot have good heads on their shoulders. What and how did they address the situation. Doesn't sound like it has to be a deep conversation. Just like, "hey, if something happens, what would you want to do? Here's what I would like to do . . . "

ChemFanatic25 · December 2014

beethery said:

princessofgenovia said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Can we just call it what it is - a pregnancy. Sure, they can be unplanned, and I prefer the word "surprise". How would you feel if your parents told you that you were a "whoopsie"? I'd feel pretty damn shitty.

My parents tried to dress up the fact that I was unplanned. They used "surprise" and "unexpected" and I was like "I can do math, you guys were 16, I sure as hell better not have been planned, that's some shitty planning", except with less cursing because I was like 10 when it came up.

LOL my mom was 19 when she got pregnant with me, and my parents hadn't been together very long. They got married at city hall when she was 5 months pregnant.

She tried to tell me some shit like, "We planned to have you!"

When I said, "Really? When you were 19 and working as a grocery store cashier and daddy hadn't gotten into his work field yet? That sounds like something you guys would do, totally! I completely believe you."

So she tried to cover her ass by saying they planned to have me, just not then.

Spades are spades, I was an accident. I am unbothered by it.

I found out I was an accident but the only thing that bothered me is that my grandmother told me to my face she had asked my mom to get an abortion. Why did you have to tell me that? I understand if you were concerned for your daughter but was it necessary to tell me?

ChemFanatic25 · December 2014

princessofgenovia said:

I am thinking right now, our lives kind of lend themselves nicely to an unplanned pregnancy.

My job is flexible and I'm able to work for home every so often. We have a second bedroom, we live a decent neighborhood, we drive cars with backseats, we make decent livings, honestly we'd just have to figure out childcare.

Emotionally is another aspect all together. There are days I can barely take care of myself, let alone another teeny tiny human. One that is totally dependent on me. For everything. That's fucking terrifying.

This right here. As you all can tell from my other posts I'm not exactly the most ideal person to be a mother so having a child absolutely scares me. because of that I'm surprised at myself that I never thought to sit down and seriously discuss it with my SO.

steph861 · December 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

beethery said:

princessofgenovia said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Can we just call it what it is - a pregnancy. Sure, they can be unplanned, and I prefer the word "surprise". How would you feel if your parents told you that you were a "whoopsie"? I'd feel pretty damn shitty.

My parents tried to dress up the fact that I was unplanned. They used "surprise" and "unexpected" and I was like "I can do math, you guys were 16, I sure as hell better not have been planned, that's some shitty planning", except with less cursing because I was like 10 when it came up.

LOL my mom was 19 when she got pregnant with me, and my parents hadn't been together very long. They got married at city hall when she was 5 months pregnant.

She tried to tell me some shit like, "We planned to have you!"

When I said, "Really? When you were 19 and working as a grocery store cashier and daddy hadn't gotten into his work field yet? That sounds like something you guys would do, totally! I completely believe you."

So she tried to cover her ass by saying they planned to have me, just not then.

Spades are spades, I was an accident. I am unbothered by it.

I found out I was an accident but the only thing that bothered me is that my grandmother told me to my face she had asked my mom to get an abortion. Why did you have to tell me that? I understand if you were concerned for your daughter but was it necessary to tell me?

Ugh. There was no need for that.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

holyguacamole79 · December 2014

I think being an unplanned pregnancy is one thing. Sure - it happens. My brother was the result of an unplanned pregnancy. I think the terminology of saying a child was an "accident" is just not necessary, especially if they are too young to understand.

daria24 · December 2014

We had a semi-serious discussion about it. We do not want children and for me, it was important to say the words out loud and to know he was on the same page and if the time ever came, would be completely supportive. It was part of a larger discussion about medical decisions, end of life issues, etc. All that stuff if really important to be discussing now, and to keep talking about it as your lives progress.

amelisha · December 2014

I'm with the majority here on the need to have some kind of talk - I was NOT getting into a relationship at all unless I was positive that we had the same feelings on this kind of thing. Children are absolutely the most life-altering thing that you can do and I needed to be very sure that FI would want to make the same decision I would.

wandajune6 · December 2014

I was an accident. I never really thought of it as a bad thing.

My parents were told that they likely couldn't have kids after my mom's ectopic (she had an old school IUD). They wanted kids eventually but were completely broke when my mom found out she was pregnant. They were freaked but happy. Shit hit the fan when they found out it was twins.

Things work out if you have the right attitude.

ShesSoCold · December 2014

I thought for sure I was an accident and that my mom was lying to me. I wasn't upset about it at all. But apparently I was not and my mom is just nuts. She had always wanted like 6 kids and was getting divorced after having two. So she got pregnant one more time real quick before kicking my dad out. Because, ya know, being a single parent of three just sounds so much better than just the two.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

climbingsingle · December 2014

My brother technically was unplanned. I was only 9 months old. But my parents were both in their 30s, and really did want another kid. Maybe just not so soon. Also, because my mom was still breastfeeding, she had never gotten her period back. She had no clue she was pregnant, and she actually didn't find out until she was 4 months along! This story was only relayed to us when we were in our 20s, and we pretty much all joke about it now.

sarahufl · December 2014

My grandmother was 40 when she got pregnant with my mother. My mom was number six, and was 6 years younger than her next oldest sibling. My grandparents never had much money.

PRETTY sure she wasn't planned. But anytime someone was rude enough to ask my grandmother if my mom was a mistake, she always responded that my mom wasn't a mistake, she was a gift from God.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

raissyrais · December 2014

We don't want any children, but if a whoopsie happens I told FI we would keep it. And course we would care and love it just as much as if it had been planned all along. However, we take all our precautions not to get pregnant. If one day one of our biological clock goes off, we will have a sit down and discuss appropriately.

sarahufl · December 2014

pinkrevenge said:

sarahufl said:

My grandmother was 40 when she got pregnant with my mother. My mom was number six, and was 6 years younger than her next oldest sibling. My grandparents never had much money.

PRETTY sure she wasn't planned. But anytime someone was rude enough to ask my grandmother if my mom was a mistake, she always responded that my mom wasn't a mistake, she was a gift from God.

Yeah, my grandpa was the result of such things, very Father of the Bride. He was so unexpected that he has nieces and nephews that are older than him. GG thought she was done with menopause, that's how "surprising" he was.

In fact, to my knowledge only one baby on my mom's side was planned. And on my dad's? Lets just say that a LOT of people got married in a hurry.

lol, my mom was raised in a very conservative, very Catholic area. People used to get married in a hurry, then have a "premature baby". The old ladies would sit around thanking god that the baby was healthy and talking about how lucky they were and how fortunate.

Meanwhile, a baby who was supposedly born at, like, 6 months gestation would come out over 8 pounds, completely developed and completely healthy. Nobody would ever say out loud that there was a *chance* the baby wasn't premature.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

princessofgenovia · December 2014

Total honesty, I was like 15 before I realized people actually planned to have kids. I don't think anyone in my family ever planned a pregnancy. I don't come from a long line of exceptionally good planners.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2014

Yup. We're careful, I've been on the pill for years. But I've heard enough stories of people getting pregnant while on the pill to make backup plans.

A lot of people I know who had a "whoopsie" just kinda shrugged, said "Shit happens" and kept the kid- worked out wonderfully for some, others are miserable. At the risk of sounding heartless, I say screw "Shit happens," I am never having kids, "whoopsie" or not.

No part of me ever has, or ever will want kids, and while I respect parents and people who wish to become parents, no part of that life has ever had any appeal to me. Having a kid would be horrible for me. FI agrees and also doesn't want kids, but I'm gonna be completely honest, this would be the issue where if FI disagreed, I wouldn't budge- my body. My life. Ultimately my choice.

hellosweetie1015 · December 2014

We do have a plan. It isn't a very good one, but it is there, and we could survive. It would not be ideal, and it would involve far more assistance than I'm okay with for myself, but if it were to happen we would be okay. It isn't something we're actively reaching for, though - I do want to be married before I get pregnant, and I would love for us to be on financially stable ground instead of barely treading water.

Before FI, I had no plan, but I also had no sex. So forced abstinence was my plan!

With my last ex, our plan developed after a year and a scare. It was a terrible plan: I would go to a clinic, I suspect alone. I stayed with him much longer than I should have.

RosieC18 · December 2014

We've discussed it in bits and pieces as our relationship evolved, but had the initial discussion when we talked about birth control when we started having sex. I think you need to discuss both those things before sex, at a minimum to make sure you're not at opposite extremes. Even if you think you know where someone stands politically, you need to talk about your specific situation.

Then the discussion has evolved over time. I wouldn't say we've had deep, serious talks about it, but we did note around the time we graduated law school that we'd probably reached the point where we would keep an unplanned pregnancy (weird realization!). More recently we had a more detailed talk about under what circumstances we would terminate a pregnancy with serious birth defects. That one started with a more general conversation about the circumstances of a friend and moved into our personal views. I think that is another important conversation to have before TTC (which is a few years off for us). I'm sure we will revisit these issues as our lives change over the years.

lilacck28 · December 2014

I haven't read the other responses yet but... I have ALWAYS had a plan for this. Always. When I first became sexually active (which happened to be with FI) before we had sex I said to him "I do not want a baby right now. I am on birth control, you'll wear condoms for a while too. But, if it happens, I don't know what I will want to do. I may very well want an abortion. If this happens, I expect you to come to the clinic and hold my hand. If I decide to keep the baby, and there IS a slim chance this will happen because I have slight PCOS and it may be difficult for me to get pregnant, you need to be prepared to take part in its life. If you are not ready for either of those scenarios, then I am not ready to have sex with you."

Yeah. I was pretty intense. I also had him tell me if he was interested in eventually getting married or having kids before I had sex with him... because I wasn't interested in losing my virginity to a guy where that was not a possibility. (To be clear, I was okay with having sex with a guy I really liked, but wouldn't end up marrying because it happened to not work out. I wasn't okay with having sex with a guy when I KNEW it wouldn't work out. Yeah... that's extra information that probably wasn't necessary.) I also told him that I would not have sex with him until he was tested (not that he had many previous partners, but, still). And he did.

We had been together for a bit (somewhere around 3- 5 months in I think?) and I felt safer with him, and I brought up not using condoms anymore, while I stayed on the pill. When I brought it up, I brought up the conversation again. I basically repeated the same points, and asked how he felt about not using condoms (he was pleased) but reminded him that not using condoms increased out chances of pregnancy.

Farther into the relationship... about a year in, I told him "M, If I got pregnant right now by accident, even though I don't feel quite ready, I think I'd probably want to keep the baby." We had discussed marriage. We had been living together for three months. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, and I did not want to have an abortion and then not be able to have a baby with him in 4 years when I actually was ready for kids.

So, I've had a plan the whole time. In my opinion, it's really important (and responsible!) to discuss these possibilities with your partner ahead of time. Of course, in the moment if it happens and I get pregnant before we are trying for a baby, emotions will be heightened ... its not like it would be smooth sailing just because we discussed it. But I think it would be smoother than if we had not.

lacqueredlover · December 2014

Our plan is to discuss it if and when it happens and go from there. He already has 2 kids, I'm not sure if I want to have one, he isn't sure if he wants to have more. We take extra precautions because of that.

flutteringinfl · December 2014

OP, I think it's smart of you to have a conversation with your dude about this for sure. But it doesn't need to be a big deal where you sit him down and take his hands or anything. I brought it up really casually to my FI one day (before we were officially engaged) when the mood seemed right for that kind of question. Really just, "So...I know I'm on the pill and I really don't plan to stop that nor do I want to be pregnant right now. But I think we need to make sure we're on the same page if something does happen. I'd want to keep it. What say you?"

And he nodded and said, "Cool. We know we want to get married someday, so I agree that even though it's not an ideal time we'd make it work."

I'll admit it was a little scary going into it because we hadn't really discussed it before, but it ended up being 100% totes cool. If your guy can't discuss this like an adult, that'll tell you something. But it sounds like you're fine.

ChemFanatic25 · December 2014

flutteringinftmyers said:

OP, I think it's smart of you to have a conversation with your dude about this for sure. But it doesn't need to be a big deal where you sit him down and take his hands or anything. I brought it up really casually to my FI one day (before we were officially engaged) when the mood seemed right for that kind of question. Really just, "So...I know I'm on the pill and I really don't plan to stop that nor do I want to be pregnant right now. But I think we need to make sure we're on the same page if something does happen. I'd want to keep it. What say you?"

And he nodded and said, "Cool. We know we want to get married someday, so I agree that even though it's not an ideal time we'd make it work."

I'll admit it was a little scary going into it because we hadn't really discussed it before, but it ended up being 100% totes cool. If your guy can't discuss this like an adult, that'll tell you something. But it sounds like you're fine.

This sounds perfect. I was curious how everyone discussed it with their SO's. Everyone has been very helpful in that department.

hellosweetie1015 · December 2014

I will say that I got off really lucky on this though, because I didn't really need to initiate that discussion - that was actually all FI. Of the two of us, he's the one with the incurable case of baby fever. I always feel terrible when I have to be the Voice of Reason and tell him that while it would be wonderful to be a little family, it would also be hard and not ideal and we should wait and blah-di-blah-di-blah. Because his puppy eyes are unrivaled.

Even by puppies.

lilacck28 · December 2014

Yeah... FI was really cool about it. I probably sounded very intense, but he is an amazing guy and has a head on his shoulders. It's just responsible to talk about these things, and a guy who freaks out about the discussion should not be having sex.

princessofgenovia · December 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:
This sounds perfect. I was curious how everyone discussed it with their SO's. Everyone has been very helpful in that department.

For us it came up when a friend of FI's got pregnant and her and her then boyfriend were. She didn't want to keep it, he wanted them to keep it. She got an abortion, he dumped her. FI was telling me about because he was talking on the phone with her and was telling me one of his moms were going to check in on her because they live right by her.

So I told him "So if I got pregnant right now, I'm not sure I'd want to keep it", and he just goes "Oh?" at which point I told him how I'd gotten pregnant at 17 and had an abortion and that honestly it was still very much an option for me and what did he think. He told me he hadn't really ever thought about it, but that he'd want to be there for me no matter what.

When I actually got pregnant we had a longer discussion, we were both freaking out, and not even kind of ready to be parents. So I finally said "I think I want to get an abortion" and he said "Ok, I love you, I'll go with you", he did.

Since then we've had the "do we want to have kids" conversation. I've told him how, while I do feel like I made the right choice both times, it's a hard choice and it's difficult to go through and I'm not sure I want to go through it again. But that it's still an option on the table for me.

We have no real game plan, but we both know we might be slightly more open to keeping it if it were to happen again then we were before. But we also know we might not want that. Our non-plan is that we'll talk about it, and we'll come to an agreement together. His personal feeling, according to him the way he was raised, is that "No matter what, I stand by you. I'll drive you to the clinic, I'll take you to birthing classes, whatever it is that is right for you, I'll stand by you". Yes, he'll make his opinion heard, and I'll listen to it. But end of the day, we both feel that as the one with the tiny alien inside me, I make the final call.

stefuhknee · December 2014

My SO and I always talked about having kids SOME DAY and then whoops, damn that trip to Mexico in 2012! We decided that we could handle it even if the pregnancy was unplanned and a lot sooner than we wanted. We both had stable jobs and a huge support system so we went through with it and now we have a beautiful baby boy who has changed our lives drastically but he's an awesome kid and I wouldn't have it any other way. We are planning on baby # 2, hopefully in the next 4 years or so.

Did your SO and you have a plan in case of a whoopsie?

Re: Did your SO and you have a plan in case of a whoopsie?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards