Christmas Proposal?!!!

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

delete

bethsmiles · December 2014

You and your BF need to have a timeline talk like yesterday. It's completely unfair of him to keep you completely in the dark and tease you about it when he knows it will upset you. He sounds like a jerk.

To be completely honest, given the content of your post, it doesn't sound like a proposal at all. It sounds like he is trying to get your hopes up so you are disappointed again. Personally, I would be pissed if my BF thought it was funny to toy with my emotions like that and wouldn't put up with it year after year.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2014

He sounds like a peach. In a good relationship, you make large decisions (like when to get engaged) together. Sure, there's usually some element of surprise in a proposal, but you shouldn't be wondering which YEAR it'll happen in? (Two years ago, this year, next year, etc.)

Why does he think this is fair, and why do you tolerate it? Do you even know if he ever plans on proposing or if his plan is to string you along indefinitely only to drop the "I never want to get married" bomb on you?

I would demand a timeline conversation. I would demand that he stop the teasing immediately. And if he went over the timeline OR continued the teasing, I'd dump his ass.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

Everything @bethsmiles and @loves2shop4shoes said.

And, a lesson from my own experience: my ex-boyfriend told me one Christmas that my present was "shiny and came in a box," and other things that led me to believe he was going to propose. When he didn't (gift was a pair of diamond studs, which I would have appreciated if I didn't think he was going to ask me to marry him), I was so heartbroken that I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom. You deserve better than something like that. It's simply cruel to play with someone's emotions like that. Have a conversation with your BF. Like, now.

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

We have talked about it three years ago and how him "toying" with my mind hurts but he said he doesn't mean it like that..he just wants to make sure he throws me off and im not expecting it. I did ask him what would he say if i proposed..he said he would say no because he is suppose to do it not the girl...and that when he does it will be a surprise.

We have talked about what kind of wedding we want and actually came up on agreement that when he proposes we will have immediate family and just go to city hall, that way we can save for bigger better things..we don't need huge wedding.

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

we had many many many conversations over the years about how he feels about marriage and he tells me all the time..if i stay with him our relationship will end up in marriage.

One more thing forgot to mention, back in summer we got talking about marriage and my bf did say "i do want to get married, if we could be engaged now we would be, just money is issue right now"..i did tell him ring could be plastic for all i care. Only thing i don't get is he was or is saving up for turbo kit for his car..he wanted to have it done this year but something came up he says that he pushed it to do his turbo next spring.

phira · December 2014

The problem is that intentions don't really matter. When you say, "BF, it hurts my feelings when you toy with me, so please stop doing it," his response should be, "I'm so sorry, I will stop." Not, "You shouldn't be hurt and I have a good reason to do it." Because that ain't a good reason.

My honest advice to you is: Every time he toys with you and jokes and hints, tell him, "I've asked you to stop doing that, so please stop." If he complains that you're being oversensitive, or you're ruining something that's supposed to be good/funny, say, "Well, I've told you that it upsets me, so clearly it's not fun for me. I don't know why you keep doing it."

Because honestly, that's not sweet, and it won't make for a good proposal. It's not a nice thing to do to the person you love.

Dignity100 · December 2014

I agree with the others, it does not sound like a proposal is going to happen at this time. It is not fair for him to toy with you.

As far as 'waiting to have money' and wanting to take care of his car first before getting engaged - all of that stuff needs to be part of the timeline talk. When H and I talked timeline, we didn't have dates set, we had goals set. At first it was 'one of us needs to leave the company we work for', which turned into 'both of us are unhappy at this company and we both want to leave' followed by H saying 'I want to get my house paid off'; of course I knew the approx timelines for these event but I didn't have an exact date of "October 28 everything is going to be in place and we'll be good to go".

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

Thanks Everyone...
I know what you are all saying...but I'm on fence about whole thing. yes i agree he shouldn't be messing around if he not going to propose anytime soon but at same time his actions show his love more then a ring ever...we went through alot and just amazing, he is my perfect guy in my books. So its hard to let him go just because he won't give me a ring. Yes i want to get married really bad....but i at same time..if i keep bringing up marriage I will come off as a girl i know ...she begged and cried until her bf finally proposed..her bf is close friend of mine and my boyfriend and he said that he doesn't want to marry her it was basically to shut her up. I rather not have a fake ring...i want a real proposal even though yeah it is killing me not knowing when but i know when it happens it will be amazing. He did say 2015....so we will see.....if he doesn't by spring next year...i might bring it up and talk to him again but for some reason got feeling it might happen.

Swazzle · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks Everyone... I know what you are all saying...but I'm on fence about whole thing. yes i agree he shouldn't be messing around if he not going to propose anytime soon but at same time his actions show his love more then a ring ever...we went through alot and just amazing, he is my perfect guy in my books. So its hard to let him go just because he won't give me a ring. Yes i want to get married really bad....but i at same time..if i keep bringing up marriage I will come off as a girl i know ...she begged and cried until her bf finally proposed..her bf is close friend of mine and my boyfriend and he said that he doesn't want to marry her it was basically to shut her up. I rather not have a fake ring...i want a real proposal even though yeah it is killing me not knowing when but i know when it happens it will be amazing. He did say 2015....so we will see.....if he doesn't by spring next year...i might bring it up and talk to him again but for some reason got feeling it might happen.

A proposal is about two people agreeing to marry each other and spend the rest of your lives together. You seem REALLY focused on a piece of jewelry.

Some people get engaged with no ring at all. That doesn't make their proposal any less real than getting engaged with a ring. That's actually a really offensive statement.

Your BF is pretty fucked up for teasing you with a proposal for years. Maybe you should focus a little more on your relationship and communicating with your BF.

Hummingbird125 · December 2014

Knottie73117180 how old are you?

I totally get that maybe he wants to ensure your proposal is a surprise, but if my now-FI had toyed with my emotions like that... and made me think a proposal could be coming soon and then waited YEARS to do so - I would have gone crazy. I don't think that's a nice way to treat someone you love, at all.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks Everyone... I know what you are all saying...but I'm on fence about whole thing. yes i agree he shouldn't be messing around if he not going to propose anytime soon but at same time his actions show his love more then a ring ever...we went through alot and just amazing, he is my perfect guy in my books. So its hard to let him go just because he won't give me a ring. Yes i want to get married really bad....but i at same time..if i keep bringing up marriage I will come off as a girl i know ...she begged and cried until her bf finally proposed..her bf is close friend of mine and my boyfriend and he said that he doesn't want to marry her it was basically to shut her up. I rather not have a fake ring...i want a real proposal even though yeah it is killing me not knowing when but i know when it happens it will be amazing. He did say 2015....so we will see.....if he doesn't by spring next year...i might bring it up and talk to him again but for some reason got feeling it might happen.

1. His actions include tormenting you, teasing you, disrespecting your wishes not to be teased, refusing to communicate, and prioritizing his car over your relationship. Talk is cheap and saying "I want to get married" without proposing, and stating that he would refuse YOUR proposal, are ACTIONS. There have been women on this board over the years whose BFs have said, "I want to get married someday" and YEARS went by with nothing. Just keep in mind that insisting on remaining stagnant without proper communication is just as much an action as holding your hand in a hospital room.

2. If you don't want to let him go because he won't propose, does that mean you're prepared to stay with him if he decides he never wants to get married?

3. Your example is a perfect example of why you should COMMUNICATE honestly with your partner. And, frankly, the way your BF has been leading you on all of these years, I think you're hardly in a position to judge this girl. For all you know, your BF could propose to shut you up. You know, since he's been dragging it out for YEARS.

4. I think having a "fake" ring is the least of your concerns.

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

yes i understand what you all are saying and No proposal is not about the ring, i even suggested no ring but he wants to get a ring and yes i know the other girl i was talking about and her boyfriend like i said is close friend, she purposely got knocked up by "forgetting her birth control"..but he was stupid to by not using protection then she sat and cried apparently because she was pregnant and no proposal...like really that not a way to get a real proposal. The sad thing is they are not getting married now due to other issues.

stefuhknee · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks Everyone... I know what you are all saying...but I'm on fence about whole thing. yes i agree he shouldn't be messing around if he not going to propose anytime soon but at same time his actions show his love more then a ring ever...we went through alot and just amazing, he is my perfect guy in my books. So its hard to let him go just because he won't give me a ring. Yes i want to get married really bad....but i at same time..if i keep bringing up marriage I will come off as a girl i know ...she begged and cried until her bf finally proposed..her bf is close friend of mine and my boyfriend and he said that he doesn't want to marry her it was basically to shut her up. I rather not have a fake ring...i want a real proposal even though yeah it is killing me not knowing when but i know when it happens it will be amazing. He did say 2015....so we will see.....if he doesn't by spring next year...i might bring it up and talk to him again but for some reason got feeling it might happen.

I can actually relate to this a bit, I have been with my SO for over 7.5 years now and I've made sure he knows that I'm ready for us to get engaged. He jokes about it with me too sometimes but that is really just his personality, he's not doing anything to hurt my feelings and it honestly doesn't because that's the dynamic of our relationship. We are laid back and we make jokes and we don't take anything super seriously. We have had the timeline talk and we have set the next 3 years as our goal because we have other priorities that we'd like to get squared away first. So although I know that you don't need a ring to get engaged I also know that my SO would not propose without purchasing a ring that he was proud to give to me, which may just be silly to some but it's who he is and I know that so I've accepted the fact that he will do it when he's ready. I know it's tough especially when you want it really badly but I don't want him to do it because I want it, I want him to want it too. Also if the joking around really hurts your feelings then he needs to quit it and just let you know that he will propose when he's ready and stop giving you false hope that it's happening at a specific time when it isn't.

peekaboo2011 · December 2014

You guys need to have some real, honest conversations. The way that he's treated you throughout this is not okay, and he needs to understand that dangling an engagement in front of you is manipulative and 100% not okay.

An engagement should never, ever be 100% a surprise. You need to have conversations about it beforehand. You need to agree on where you are in your relationship. If he proposes tomorrow because "he feels like it," is he going to dangle a wedding in front of you for another 2-3 years before he "feels like it?" What about TTC? There are two people in this relationship, so both get to decide when you're ready for the next step.

I am in big favor of the sketchy timeline. Our last timeline conversation came to the following conclusion (this was about 2 years ago):

We'd like to be married, own a house, with most of our debt paid off in the next 5 years.

We'd like to be considering TTC in the next 6.

I would like at least a year to plan a wedding, and we would both like a year married before we start TTC.

I would not like to be engaged before we're able to start planning the wedding we want.

We're due for our next conversation in the new year, but small conversations over the past two years have shifted our timeline as necessary. Having the open dialogue is so important.

I second the question about how old you are. Your writing style makes me think you're really young, and if that's the case, I'd recommend refocusing on school.

Dignity100 · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

delete

I guess I'm sorry you got honest answers instead of the 'Yes, I foresee an engagement in your near future'. I don't think it was worth a delete because we do get questions like this quite often and it does help to refocus.

My honest opinion: If your BF does not want to have timeline conversations, there is a good chance he is not ready/wanting to get married at this point in his life. It sounds like he might like to tease/toy with you and getting engaged might be an easy thing to push your buttons (but not a very nice one as it's playing with your emotions).

What the heck is a 'fake ring' anyway? When you say fake ring I think of either those ring pops or the little plastic spider rings we used to get as 'treats' for Halloween.

I'm not sure if you're coming back - but WHY do you want to get married 'really bad'? Just being curious - being married does not change your relationship; it's a deeper commitment in that you need legal interaction to 'break it off'. Are you looking to start a family? Maybe there's some religious aspects to it?

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

bethsmiles · December 2014

I'm not sure who you think is getting defensive here but I can assure you none of us are. Having a conversation with your SO about when you would like to get married does not equal forcing an engagement. It's part of being in an adult relationship, because adults in a relationship make decisions together. If you want to wait in the dark while your BF dangles a proposal in front of you like it's a big joke, that's you decision. But it doesn't mean that those who choose to communicate with their SOs are forcing them into a proposal. You can judge others all you want for that but it doesn't change your situation. You've gotten some really good advice here, I suggest you stop worrying about if others are forcing their SOs to propose and taking the advice here so you can figure out your own relationship.

ETA (because you edited your post while I was typing): Seriously? We're ignorant because we use proper spelling and grammar? That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Of course, you are free to post however you would like but what you post (including your grammar and spelling) are the only ways we get to know you. If you type like someone who has no understanding of basic spelling/grammar I have no reason to believe otherwise.

Hummingbird125 · December 2014

bethsmiles said:

I'm not sure who you think is getting defensive here but I can assure you none of us are. Having a conversation with your SO about when you would like to get married does not equal forcing an engagement. It's part of being in an adult relationship, because adults in a relationship make decisions together. If you want to wait in the dark while your BF dangles a proposal in front of you like it's a big joke, that's you decision. But it doesn't mean that those who choose to communicate with their SOs are forcing them into a proposal. You can judge others all you want for that but it doesn't change your situation. You've gotten some really good advice here, I suggest you stop worrying about if others are forcing their SOs to propose and taking the advice here so you can figure out your own relationship.

ETA (because you edited your post while I was typing): Seriously? We're ignorant because we use proper spelling and grammar? That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Of course, you are free to post however you would like but what you post (including your grammar and spelling) are the only ways we get to know you. If you type like someone who has no understanding of basic spelling/grammar I have no reason to believe otherwise.

co-signed, Hummingbird

Knottie1449232324 · December 2014

Like i said i appreciate the honesty...not the snarky remarks about grammar and stuff...who in the hell cares. Yes some of you are getting defended by my opinion of repeatedly asking bf about engagement. i have said i talked to my bf , we both engage in the topic many times but you guys are talking about nagging him and im not the type to keep nagging, i know its going to happen. i just got excited because i thought might happen this christmas and wanted opinion but i know not to get hopes up because he did say next year most likely it will happen. We will see.

ChemFanatic25 · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

**SIB**

OP, if you already have a timeline set, why have you been so worried about getting engaged before then? Or are you already around 26-27?

EDIT: Oh, you're 26

bethsmiles · December 2014

The word you are looking for defensive not defended.

And no one here is suggesting you nag your BF about a proposal (please point to one specific quote where someone told you to nag your BF). If you don't know how to talk to him about it without nagging that's your problem. Most adults can have a conversation about marriage without it turning into nagging.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

Honestly, you picked the wrong day for this. Anything I have to say to you right now would just get me banned, so instead I'll say...How sad for you that you're 26 and are with an inconsiderate jerk who strings you along. And how sad that you feel the need to "defend" him and your relationship (which, incidentally is devoid of adult communication) to a group of internet strangers. And how sad that you feel the need to accuse us of getting "shut up rings," which you yourself appear to be likely to receive.

On your way out, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Tata.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

Like i said i appreciate the honesty...not the snarky remarks about grammar and stuff...who in the hell cares. Yes some of you are getting defended by my opinion of repeatedly asking bf about engagement. i have said i talked to my bf , we both engage in the topic many times but you guys are talking about nagging him and im not the type to keep nagging, i know its going to happen. i just got excited because i thought might happen this christmas and wanted opinion but i know not to get hopes up because he did say next year most likely it will happen. We will see.

I think you mean "offended"...?

eilis1228 · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

Just because you aren't being graded doesn't mean you shouldn't try to communicate like an adult.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

My grandmother only made it through the fourth grade, and in another country no less, and she has a better command of grammar and the English language than you do. I'd be more scared about that than getting a "fake" ring.

Just food for thought.

AuroraRose41 · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

You sound really immature for someone who claims to be 26. And that's coming from someone who is 23.

No one on here attacked you. The ladies here gave you great advice. I didn't get to read your original post because you deleted it, but I got the jist from reading the comments. It isn't fair for your BF to tease you and not stop after you have asked him to, and it is okay to have a timeline talk with him.

I don't know when exactly my BF plans to propose, but he does not tease me the way that yours does, and it's because the only time he did I was very upset at him and he promised not to do it anymore. That's what your BF should do too.

ETA: To the bolded:

GoldenPenguin · December 2014

This seems like a good place for my "shut up" ring.

peekaboo2011 · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

sounds like some of you are getting defended because some you are the type that forced engagement aka fake /shut up ring and in denial, at least when i get my proposal it will because he wants it not just me. we have talked about it and we agreed on time line married 27...kids 28-30. i came here for advice and i appreciate some of advice...but not snarky remarks from what seems like could be 12 year old little girls. btw im 26 and its called the internet i'm not writing an essay and being graded so i don't care for grammer, i may use internet slang..big deal everyone does but apparently you all are teachers or just ignorant ???? lol

I think you missed the point. Like Beth, etc said, no one talking about having a real conversation with your S/O is advocating for nagging. Being able to have a real, adult conversation with your S/O is part of being a real adult in a real adult relationship. And that includes framing out what you want, what you think is okay, what you think isn't okay, and being able to listen to your S/O's side of things too.

Regarding my comments on your writing, I've been significantly more concerned by the fact that you drop the words necessary to form real sentences.

"yes i agree he should not be messing around if he not going to propose anytime soon but at same time his actions show his love more then a ring ever..."

Somehow, that sentence is both not actually complete AND a run-on. And it's THAN, not then.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

Knottie73117180 said:

Like i said i appreciate the honesty...not the snarky remarks about grammar and stuff...who in the hell cares. Yes some of you are getting defended by my opinion of repeatedly asking bf about engagement. i have said i talked to my bf , we both engage in the topic many times but you guys are talking about nagging him and im not the type to keep nagging, i know its going to happen. i just got excited because i thought might happen this christmas and wanted opinion but i know not to get hopes up because he did say next year most likely it will happen. We will see.

lmcooper86 · December 2014

I was going to comment on this last night when I originally saw your post, but it slipped my mind.

I would have given you honest advice: to talk to your bf, to have an adult discussion about the timeline for your relationship, and to just relax and not get worked up about a proposal that may or may not happen at Christmas.

What I SHOULD have done is quoted you.

What I will do now is this:

Christmas Proposal?!!!

Re: Christmas Proposal?!!!

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