Conflicting dates

charlieyankee03 · December 2014

I'm not really sure what the issue is here. You get to dress up, go out with H, and get an awesome meal and drinks for free (hopefully) on your anniversary. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.

FI and I were invited to a wedding that was taking place on our dating anniversary this year. He works across the country and that Friday was my only day off while he was home. We got the invitation and went "Cool! We get to eat, drink, and dance for free on our anniversary and then spend the night in a nice hotel!"

FWIW, I also didn't/won't get to spend Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas, or New Years with him this year. Sometimes that's just life.

novella1186 · December 2014

I just want to add, OP. I know you said your DH and his brother don't get along too well. My sister and I don't get along. She hasn't even spoken to me in months, and last time we saw each other it was nasty. I mean, real nasty. That being said, if she chose to go hang out with her boyfriend and skip my wedding, I would be totally heartbroken. To me, that would pretty much be the final nail in the coffin, and I'd been done trying to have a relationship with her, because that's just too selfish and too hurtful.

Just cuz they don't get along great does not mean that BIL doesn't really truly want your DH to be at his wedding, and that it would cause irreparable damage if he skipped it.

MrsMack10612 · December 2014

H & I still celebrate our dating anniversary, but usually just with a nice dinner out. We'll have been together for 14 years this April and we just had our 2 year wedding anniversary.

We don't go all out and sometimes it's celebrated the weekend before/after depending on what day o the week it is. Again, usually just a nice dinner out or even a nice dinner in.

I think you are being incredibly petty and that this goes back to resentment about not getting the wedding date you wanted. If you had your heart set on getting married in December, then you could have told the families to pound sand, this is when we're getting married.

flantastic · December 2014

I really don't understand how people get so absorbed in specific days of the year, and this comes from a Catholic who loves celebrating specific feasts and seasons pretty hard.

You make a judgment call about what is actually more important to do on a specific day, and I would judge you if your call was that your dating anniversary was more important than your BIL's wedding. It's important to take time to celebrate and remember special times in the past, but you also have to be able to adjust to celebrating life happening right now, especially if it's a) important and b) out of your control. Adjust.

southernbelle0915 · December 2014

You would skip your husband's brother's wedding to celebrate your dating anniversary? Really? Or are you just venting?

Sorry to sound harsh, but it really sounds like you are letting your bitterness get in the way of selflessly celebrating one of the most important times in the life of your BIL and FSIL. Do you want a positive relationship with these people going forward? Yes? Then do not mention this "issue" to anyone in your family, be openly happy for them, and adjust your personal plans.

sarawifenow · December 2014

thespeshulestsnowflake · December 2014

We celebrate our dating anniversary every year. But that is because it falls on his birthday, which is really what we are celebrating on that day. If our dating anniversary was on a different date, I more than likely would not even remember when it was. A dating anniversary seems inconsequential to me, especially compared to a wedding or a wedding anniversary.

abbyj700 · December 2014

novella1186 said:

I just want to add, OP. I know you said your DH and his brother don't get along too well. My sister and I don't get along. She hasn't even spoken to me in months, and last time we saw each other it was nasty. I mean, real nasty. That being said, if she chose to go hang out with her boyfriend and skip my wedding, I would be totally heartbroken. To me, that would pretty much be the final nail in the coffin, and I'd been done trying to have a relationship with her, because that's just too selfish and too hurtful.

Just cuz they don't get along great does not mean that BIL doesn't really truly want your DH to be at his wedding, and that it would cause irreparable damage if he skipped it.

Agreed. DH and his brother don't have a great relationship. And his brother skipped or wedding for petty reasons. While DH still loves his brother and is very amicable with him - the slight of skipping our wedding hurt him the day of and will play a role in their relationship for the rest of their lives. Why? Because what a terrible thing to do to a sibling.

LadyMillil · December 2014

abbyj700 said:

novella1186 said:

I just want to add, OP. I know you said your DH and his brother don't get along too well. My sister and I don't get along. She hasn't even spoken to me in months, and last time we saw each other it was nasty. I mean, real nasty. That being said, if she chose to go hang out with her boyfriend and skip my wedding, I would be totally heartbroken. To me, that would pretty much be the final nail in the coffin, and I'd been done trying to have a relationship with her, because that's just too selfish and too hurtful.

Just cuz they don't get along great does not mean that BIL doesn't really truly want your DH to be at his wedding, and that it would cause irreparable damage if he skipped it.

Agreed. DH and his brother don't have a great relationship. And his brother skipped or wedding for petty reasons. While DH still loves his brother and is very amicable with him - the slight of skipping our wedding hurt him the day of and will play a role in their relationship for the rest of their lives. Why? Because what a terrible thing to do to a sibling.

I'm the sister that skipped the wedding of my only sibling. Why? Partly cost and very inconvenient timing for me to get off work but partly because I didn't want to go. We have never had a great relationship and it has gotten worse over the past 2 years. If any other person treated me the way she has they would no longer be in my life. I tried several times to improve our relationship and was met with the belief that she has done nothing wrong and that the issues are completely because of me. After she kicked me out of her wedding party over attire issues (I was not comfortable with wearing the dress she picked or with the price) I spent a long time considering our relationship and what I wanted from it. I decided that I was okay with no longer having her in my life and made the decision not to attend her wedding. I made this decision knowing full well that it will end our relationship. I made this decision knowing that I am okay with having no relationship with her. Your H and his brother already have a rocky relationship. Not attending the wedding for anything short of an emergency will destroy whatever relationship they have, likely beyond repair. If your H is completely fine with having no relationship with his brother in the future then, by all means, skip the wedding to celebrate your dating anniversary. If your H wants his brother in his life then you need to change your anniversary plans and go to the wedding.

daria24 · December 2014

Look if you had booked a trip to celebrate your anniversary and then two weeks before your flights BIL sprang their wedding date on you, I wouldn't cancel my trip. However it sounds like your plans are easy to cancel. Just go to their wedding. Celebrate another time. Use it as an excuse to go balls out for #11.

phira · December 2014

You came here to ask what we thought of you considering skipping your BIL's wedding in order to celebrate your dating anniversary with your husband. The consensus you've gotten is that you should not skip the wedding. It's fine if you don't take our advice, but you're not going to convince people to change their advice any more than we're apparently going to convince you that going to a wedding takes precedence over celebrating your 10th dating anniversary on that particular day.

yogapants · December 2014

My boyfriend's brother is getting married on our (dating, obviously) anniversary. I think it's fantastic. You mean we get to dress up, dance, and stay in a nice hotel the night before and the night of our anniversary? Awesome!

No, you really shouldn't skip BIL's wedding for this OP. You get to dress up and spend the evening with your H. How is this a problem?

larrygaga · December 2014

No wonder the men don't get along, if one couple is willing to skip a close family wedding for a dating anniversary.

Just FYI, FI and I forgot our 10 year dating anniversary and celebrated by eating thai 3 weeks later. We are still going strong.

sarahufl · December 2014

FWIW- I think it is cool that you celebrate your dating anniversary. What a fun thing to look back on and see how far you have come. I think it is sweet.

I don't think it should be an iron-clad thing. It certainly isn't worth missing a wedding for. If it was friends having a happy hour, sure- decline the invite. But a wedding?

You are being petty and immature.

phira · December 2014

I honestly don't see a problem with celebrating your dating anniversary ("your" here mean anyone, not just the OP), and I think it's time to get go of the idea that for everyone, wedding anniversary is more important. Maybe it's more important for you, or maybe it's not. My dating and wedding anniversaries are the same, and that was done intentionally, because the anniversary of when we first met is very important to us.

However, even if this were the OP's wedding anniversary, I wouldn't change my opinion. The conflicting dates she's talking about aren't actually conflicting; an anniversary is not an event. It would be different if she and her husband had some sort of non-refundable cruise booked before they found out about the wedding date, but that's not the case. Their plans can easily be rescheduled.

VulgarGirl · December 2014

For real? My 10 year anniversery was in July...I cannot for the life of me remember what we did. I mean, we fucked each other's brains out, I remember that, but I don't think we did much else. We totally could have gone to someone's wedding.

Have a late dinner/early breakfast together before/after the wedding.

Teddy917 · December 2014

I'll give you the advice that my mom would always give me. My dad was in the Reserves for the longest time and got sent oversees multiple times for several months at a time. He also travels a lot for his other job. So he missed countless birthdays, graduations (not the high school ones, but still special events), many firsts (first day of school, first tooth pulled), Father's Days, and, of course, anniversaries. I used to ask my mom if it upset her that he missed all of these things. She would always say "It's not the day that matters, but the feelings and importance of what happened. February 14 (my parents' anniversary) is just a date on the calendar. What's more important is that we love each other."

Inkdancer · December 2014

Husband and I absolutely celebrate our dating anniversary still. I am really looking forward to a month from now, when I get to celebrate 8 years of having him in my life! But realistically, if H's brother had decided to get married on that day, we would have said "cool, see you there". Even if my stepsister who I hate decided to get married that day, I would suck it up and show up because I'm a freaking grownup.

Ultimately, this isn't your decision to make. This is his brother, not yours, and you don't get to decide how he proceeds with that relationship. If your husband wants to go to that wedding, you either go with him or stay home, but you don't get to keep him from going just because your feelings are hurt.

lyndausvi · December 2014

I spent my 6th WEDDING anniversary out-of-town to attend SILs wedding. Yes she got married the same date as us. It never once occurred to us to skip her wedding because it's the same date as our anniversary.

We got married the day before my parent's FORTIETH WEDDING anniversary. They has planned a trip through the Panama Canal. They postponed the trip by a few months.

My sister got married on our cousin's 15th WEDDING anniversary. They still attended my sister's wedding. They had a great time eating, drinking with family and dancing to their wedding song.

So yes I think you are being ridiculous to even think about skipping out on a sibling's wedding to celebrate your dating anniversary.

It's possible to celebrate more than one event on the same day. True story, the first thing my SIL and new BIL said to me at the back of the church after their wedding was "Happy Anniversary".

ohannabelle · December 2014

Dating anniversaries are very very important.

In high school.

Then you grow up.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

Everyone has different priorities. I agree with Phira, if the dating anniversary is important to the OP that's her opinion. Just like it's other's opinion that dating anniversaries are unimportant.

Also, not everyone is close or even likes their siblings. I love mine, but not everyone feels they need to go the wedding of someone they share genes with.

I'm not saying you should skip your BIL's wedding OP, but I understand where you are coming from. You are an adult, and if you feel celebrating your anniversary is more important than your BIL's wedding, and your husband agrees, than don't go. But you have to accept the consequences of that.

Also, if this wasn't a sibling or parent or best friend's wedding, everyone would be saying don't go.

Morning wedding with an evening reception, and only 2 weeks notice. Blech.

Conflicting dates

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