Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

I Want to Keep my Maiden Name

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Re: I Want to Keep my Maiden Name

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    I agree with the above PP as an adopted child too. But besides that and I am really not trying to be snarky.. Isn't this a conversation that should be had before the engagement. Just like the child or no child conversation?? They are so important and deal breakers for some it just seems like a very important to have if there was any though of conflict.
    I would hope that a man wouldn't refuse to marry someone because she wanted to keep her name as is. SMH
    I didn't say him. Think about it... He wants her to.. she doesn't they both have valid points. My point is... these type of conversations that both seem unwilling to want.. whoever is right or wrong should take place before the promise of marraige. In this case someone isn't going to be happy..  He probably all along assumed she'd take his and when all of a sudden she doesnt want it, it's probably a shock.  It's not just a simple name change to either of them.
  • I know this isn't the popular opinion on here, but I for one can't wait to change my name. Changing your name doesn't change who you are at all. I don't feel that it is old fashioned at all. You said that you would be ok in coming up with a new last name; what is the difference then in taking his name? If and when you do have kids, having different last names does make it confusing and hard for everyone. Just remember no matter what your last name is, you are still the same person.
  • I know this isn't the popular opinion on here, but I for one can't wait to change my name. Changing your name doesn't change who you are at all. I don't feel that it is old fashioned at all. You said that you would be ok in coming up with a new last name; what is the difference then in taking his name? If and when you do have kids, having different last names does make it confusing and hard for everyone. Just remember no matter what your last name is, you are still the same person.

    STUCK IN BOX

    Your opinion about wanting to change your name is not at all unpopular. 

    Your opinion on it not being a big deal, and that it shouldn't be an issue for anyone, is. 

    For you, it was the right decision. It is likely the right decision for me as well (I waffle between keeping my middle and last name as two middle names and taking FI's name, or dropping my last name entirely.) 

    But for others, it isn't an easy decision, and it's potentially not what they want to do. Don't minimize the choices and feelings of other people. You're not in their head, you don't know their experiences. When it comes to personal decisions like this, they are just that, personal, and in my opinion there is NO room for judgement from other people. And that goes both ways-- no one should judge you (or your husband) for taking your husband's name, just like no one should judge a woman (or her husband) for keeping her last name. 

    And, like a PP said, there IS a difference in taking on the name of your husband, while he keeps his vs you BOTH making a new name to take on together. It's simple-- in the former one person is making a change, in the latter, two people are making a change together.

    Honestly, if my FI had been willing to do it, that would have been my preference as well. 

    esstee33southernbelle0915
  • I know this isn't the popular opinion on here, but I for one can't wait to change my name. Changing your name doesn't change who you are at all. I don't feel that it is old fashioned at all. 1) You said that you would be ok in coming up with a new last name; what is the difference then in taking his name? 2) If and when you do have kids, having different last names does make it confusing and hard for everyone. Just remember no matter what your last name is, you are still the same person.
    To the first bolded: I can speak from experience here. DH wanted me to change my last name to his. I wanted to keep it. However, we BOTH wanted to have the same family name. I offered my last name to him and he refused. I refused his. So there we were with two different last names and wanting a family name. 

    In order to compromise, we talked about either 1) hyphenating or 2) creating a new last name with elements of both our names. I favored option 2 to avoid the length and confusion of a hyphenated name, have one family name, and we BOTH still get to keep elements of our respective names. So sure, both of us would change, but we'd both get to keep elements of our unmarried names and we have one family name.

    Ultimately, we both just kept our own last names, but this was the thinking behind that option, since you asked.

    To the second bolded: Why do you assume if a woman chooses to keep her last name that future children would not share it? That's mostly a rhetorical question because I know the answer is "children are given the last name of the father because tradition."

    But I do think you should consider that. I will not be giving my children *just* my husband's name. Why?  They're my kids, too. If tradition was to give children the mother's last name and DH and I had different last names, I would absolutely include his. He's the dad! 
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  • edited December 2014
    I first had this convo with my FI when he was my boyfriend. It was a passing comment to start a discussion and I think it made him cry because that was not how he had ever imagined it.  He had always imagined that I would take his name and we'd have kids with his name just like his parents, and their parents, had done before him. But that wasn't me.

    After that first conversation he tried to change my mind a few times but that was never what I wanted. My last name was the only name I liked, the only one that set me apart. My first name is Ashleigh and my middle is Elizabeth (which I for some reason share with my older sister) but my last name is a unique testament to my father's culture and our family history. His last name is pretty common and although it works for him, it would never ever work for me. I would become just another Ashleigh "Smith" and I couldn't do that. 

    He was stubborn at first but what eventually brought him around to my way of thinking was having to defend me to other people. For some reason people get personally offended when you decide you don't want to take your husbands name and when he would just make a comment about me keeping my name, he'd also have to deal with all that backlash. it made him understand my plight and understand what a difficult decision it must have been for me to make since it goes against the norms. And he also had to come up with reasons it was completely acceptable to do, this caused him to really dig deep and think about it from my perspective. 

    So maybe, just send your fiance to defend you against his Uncle John or something.

    Also, I have recently been casually telling people I am keeping my name and a lot of women have surprisingly been telling me that they would have loved to keep their last names if they had been given a choice (some of these women only got married last year) .... I'm sorry but every person on the planet has a choice. Marriage is a partnership, not one persons opinions being forced onto another (at least not anymore) 

    If you want to keep your name then keep it. I bet you a million dollars you'd resent him more if he made you change it then he'd resent you for keeping it the same. Thats never a good way to start a marriage. 
    southernbelle0915esstee33
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