Fuming right now.

kerbohl · December 2014

Oh, OP, I have a similar situation going on in my family between siblings. This wouldn't help you at all with your mother, but an apology in these situations almost never seems to work, so your mom really shouldn't be harping on you for it. My sister apologized to my brother (she is the one who deserves an apology) and it wasn't good enough for him, and who does my mother yell at? My sister! I know how hard this has been on my sister, and I can't imagine how hard it is for you. Be strong, vent with us, and I hope that both your sister and mother will have a light-bulb moment and realize where they are going wrong and stop treating you like this!

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

Feel free to have your texts and calls forwarded to my cell phone, and I'll be happy to respond to them on your behalf ;-)

I am thinking of starting a call center business that helps people deal with the BSC people in their lives.

beethery · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Feel free to have your texts and calls forwarded to my cell phone, and I'll be happy to respond to them on your behalf ;-)

I am thinking of starting a call center business that helps people deal with the BSC people in their lives.

If I had a dollar for each time someone has handed me their phone and asked me to text something back to shut them up, I'd be rich.

novella1186 · December 2014

carrie0924 said:

I don't know what your therapist has told you, and to be honest I really stopped reading after the 3rd reply here so I hope this hasn't already been covered buuuuuut.... I basically had the exact same situation with my sister. Teenager drama fights bullshit blah blah blah turned into my sister not talking to me for 6 years. I tried to reach out, I tried to apologize, I tried everything I could (respectfully, and no more than one attempt per year, just reminders to her that my door was always open and I wanted to be her sister) and my sister ignored me. For 6 years we did separate holidays with my mom. For 6 years mom guilt tripped and hinted and talked to us both separately about it. I kept telling her it wasn't up to me. I finally sent one last message to my sister asking her if we could move on. She sent a horrible nasty response. I started therapy two weeks later. The very first issue we worked on was boundaries. I'm not good at boundaries. Went home that day & told my mom "This is my relationship with my sister. We are adults. It is up to us to fix. You are not to discuss me with her or her with me. We will fix this in our own time in our own way. Please do not try to run interference. Please do not try to convince us to do a holiday together. Please just let us sort it out on our own." My mother backed down, although she did tell my sister that I had asked her to let us work it out on our own.
Surprise of surprises.... my sister messaged me shortly after that extending the olive branch. Reverse psychology? I don't know exactly what happened, but my therapist said I had successfully drawn a boundary. I don't know if this will help or if you've already tried it and they are still being jerks but I sincerely hope this works out for you guys. It is really miserable being in your position, and I am so sorry Hugs

To the bolded, I've said this to my mom more times than I can count. It doesn't get through her thick head. I think I've also failed to keep the boundary because in my OP it's pretty clear that I let her draw me in and I got into a whole big argument with her that shouldn't have happened because it was none of her business to be talking about it. I feel like I should copy and paste the rest of what you said to your mom in an e-mail to my mom.

Thank you for the advice.

novella1186 · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Feel free to have your texts and calls forwarded to my cell phone, and I'll be happy to respond to them on your behalf ;-)

I am thinking of starting a call center business that helps people deal with the BSC people in their lives.

Haha thank you! That is so very tempting! :P

l9i · December 2014

novella1186 said:

lolo883 said:

Want to just give her my mom's number and they can talk about how I won't apologize to my brother, either?

lol yes! Maybe that's what my mom needs anyway. Someone else to throw her theatrics at. Ugh.

Sign my mother up. I've dealt with this all too since I apologized to my brother and it too wasn't good enough (also wasn't in the wrong).

But seriously. Can this happen???

theycallmelinz · December 2014

I'm late to this party but I hope you are feeling better, had lots to drink, and that your mom/sister drama is no longer bothering you! I echo everything PP have said.

My mom keeps making comments to me about asking my sister's kids to be in my wedding/invite their family to the wedding. I'm like mom, for 100th time, SHE. IS. NOT. COMING. SHE. NO. LONGER. WANTS. TO. BE. IN. OUR. FAMILY.

So I'm at least in the same body of water as you, if not in the same boat. PM me if you need to chat

sophhabobopha · December 2014

\

Good luck girl.

novella1186 · December 2014

So I ended up being wide awake the entire night. Every time shit like this happens I don't sleep at all. Around 4 am I got a migraine. At 5 am I e-mailed my boss to tell her I was taking a sick day. At 9 am I finally fell asleep for about 2 hours. I then spent this entire day sitting on the couch feeling guilty about missing work and still being pissed off at all the shit my mom said.

This has gotta stop.

And thanks again for the responses. Even though I know I sound like a total mess right now, you guys made me feel way better than I otherwise would have.

carrie0924 · December 2014

novella1186 said:

carrie0924 said:

I don't know what your therapist has told you, and to be honest I really stopped reading after the 3rd reply here so I hope this hasn't already been covered buuuuuut.... I basically had the exact same situation with my sister. Teenager drama fights bullshit blah blah blah turned into my sister not talking to me for 6 years. I tried to reach out, I tried to apologize, I tried everything I could (respectfully, and no more than one attempt per year, just reminders to her that my door was always open and I wanted to be her sister) and my sister ignored me. For 6 years we did separate holidays with my mom. For 6 years mom guilt tripped and hinted and talked to us both separately about it. I kept telling her it wasn't up to me. I finally sent one last message to my sister asking her if we could move on. She sent a horrible nasty response. I started therapy two weeks later. The very first issue we worked on was boundaries. I'm not good at boundaries. Went home that day & told my mom "This is my relationship with my sister. We are adults. It is up to us to fix. You are not to discuss me with her or her with me. We will fix this in our own time in our own way. Please do not try to run interference. Please do not try to convince us to do a holiday together. Please just let us sort it out on our own." My mother backed down, although she did tell my sister that I had asked her to let us work it out on our own.
Surprise of surprises.... my sister messaged me shortly after that extending the olive branch. Reverse psychology? I don't know exactly what happened, but my therapist said I had successfully drawn a boundary. I don't know if this will help or if you've already tried it and they are still being jerks but I sincerely hope this works out for you guys. It is really miserable being in your position, and I am so sorry Hugs

To the bolded, I've said this to my mom more times than I can count. It doesn't get through her thick head. I think I've also failed to keep the boundary because in my OP it's pretty clear that I let her draw me in and I got into a whole big argument with her that shouldn't have happened because it was none of her business to be talking about it. I feel like I should copy and paste the rest of what you said to your mom in an e-mail to my mom.

Thank you for the advice.

I pretty much assumed you had already tried this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded to re-draw them. Your situation sounds worse than mine, but very similar all the same. Feel free to copy my words verbatim, or even send your mom over to me so we can talk about my situation and how my mom backing the eff off is what brought my sister and I together. And now, a year later, my sister and I are close again after 6 years or not one single exchange.
More hugs.... I know first hand how challenging this sister/mom drama can be.

princessofgenovia · December 2014

People always ask me "Aren't you sad and lonely to be an only child?"...that's a big fat nope. My mother starts telling me to apologize to my sister/brother I officially get to call her crazy.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Keep throwing up boundaries, it sucks and it's hard, but it's a necessary evil.

novella1186 · December 2014

carrie0924 said:

novella1186 said:

carrie0924 said:

I don't know what your therapist has told you, and to be honest I really stopped reading after the 3rd reply here so I hope this hasn't already been covered buuuuuut.... I basically had the exact same situation with my sister. Teenager drama fights bullshit blah blah blah turned into my sister not talking to me for 6 years. I tried to reach out, I tried to apologize, I tried everything I could (respectfully, and no more than one attempt per year, just reminders to her that my door was always open and I wanted to be her sister) and my sister ignored me. For 6 years we did separate holidays with my mom. For 6 years mom guilt tripped and hinted and talked to us both separately about it. I kept telling her it wasn't up to me. I finally sent one last message to my sister asking her if we could move on. She sent a horrible nasty response. I started therapy two weeks later. The very first issue we worked on was boundaries. I'm not good at boundaries. Went home that day & told my mom "This is my relationship with my sister. We are adults. It is up to us to fix. You are not to discuss me with her or her with me. We will fix this in our own time in our own way. Please do not try to run interference. Please do not try to convince us to do a holiday together. Please just let us sort it out on our own." My mother backed down, although she did tell my sister that I had asked her to let us work it out on our own.
Surprise of surprises.... my sister messaged me shortly after that extending the olive branch. Reverse psychology? I don't know exactly what happened, but my therapist said I had successfully drawn a boundary. I don't know if this will help or if you've already tried it and they are still being jerks but I sincerely hope this works out for you guys. It is really miserable being in your position, and I am so sorry Hugs

To the bolded, I've said this to my mom more times than I can count. It doesn't get through her thick head. I think I've also failed to keep the boundary because in my OP it's pretty clear that I let her draw me in and I got into a whole big argument with her that shouldn't have happened because it was none of her business to be talking about it. I feel like I should copy and paste the rest of what you said to your mom in an e-mail to my mom.

Thank you for the advice.

I pretty much assumed you had already tried this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded to re-draw them. Your situation sounds worse than mine, but very similar all the same. Feel free to copy my words verbatim, or even send your mom over to me so we can talk about my situation and how my mom backing the eff off is what brought my sister and I together. And now, a year later, my sister and I are close again after 6 years or not one single exchange.
More hugs.... I know first hand how challenging this sister/mom drama can be.

I can see how your mom backing off would help a lot. Because the more my mom meddles in this, the more the entire thing pisses me off and I don't want to talk to any of them, including my sister. If my mom had left it alone from the get-go, everyone would have had time to cool off and let their wounds heal by now. Big sigh.

phira · December 2014

@carrie0924's advice is really important: it's an essential life skill to draw and enforce a boundary.

I wouldn't even say, "I let her draw me in," because you don't really LET someone violate a boundary. They just do it. What you need to do is enforce the boundary.

This sounds simple, but it's incredibly difficult, and you should NOT feel bad when you fail to enforce a boundary. My 56-year-old mother can barely enforce boundaries with my 80-year-old grandmother, and she tries.

What I've found really helps is to write down exactly what the boundary is: "I will not talk about my sister with my mother, nor will I listen to my mom talk about my relationship with my sister." Then practice warning your mother when she violates the boundary. "Mom, like I've said before, I'm not going to talk about Susie or my relationship with Susie." Then practice some specific subject-changers. "Anyway, are you caught up on The Walking Dead?/How's the new couch working out so far?/What food can I bring to Christmas?"

Then, you come up with what happens when she violates the boundary again. "Mom, I just said that I'm not going to talk about this with you, but I can see that this is all you want to talk about right now. I'm going to hang up." And then do it. Just do it.

If you get a barrage of texts, ignore them. Delete them without reading them. Emails? Delete without reading. More phone calls? I'd ignore her for the rest of the day/night. If she calls again the next day to talk about it again, say, "Mom, I guess I wasn't clear yesterday, but I'm not going to talk about this with you, so if that's what you want to talk about, this conversation is over. Bye." And then HANG UP.

You're going to feel like an asshole. You're going to feel like a bad daughter. You're going to feel like you're being unreasonable. And it's because that's what happens when people violate boundaries; they make you feel like you're an unreasonable asshole. But there's really no reason you should have to listen to your mother harass you about something. She's hurting you, and you don't need to put up with it.

novella1186 · December 2014

phira said:

@carrie0924's advice is really important: it's an essential life skill to draw and enforce a boundary.

I wouldn't even say, "I let her draw me in," because you don't really LET someone violate a boundary. They just do it. What you need to do is enforce the boundary.

This sounds simple, but it's incredibly difficult, and you should NOT feel bad when you fail to enforce a boundary. My 56-year-old mother can barely enforce boundaries with my 80-year-old grandmother, and she tries.

What I've found really helps is to write down exactly what the boundary is: "I will not talk about my sister with my mother, nor will I listen to my mom talk about my relationship with my sister." Then practice warning your mother when she violates the boundary. "Mom, like I've said before, I'm not going to talk about Susie or my relationship with Susie." Then practice some specific subject-changers. "Anyway, are you caught up on The Walking Dead?/How's the new couch working out so far?/What food can I bring to Christmas?"

Then, you come up with what happens when she violates the boundary again. "Mom, I just said that I'm not going to talk about this with you, but I can see that this is all you want to talk about right now. I'm going to hang up." And then do it. Just do it.

If you get a barrage of texts, ignore them. Delete them without reading them. Emails? Delete without reading. More phone calls? I'd ignore her for the rest of the day/night. If she calls again the next day to talk about it again, say, "Mom, I guess I wasn't clear yesterday, but I'm not going to talk about this with you, so if that's what you want to talk about, this conversation is over. Bye." And then HANG UP.

You're going to feel like an asshole. You're going to feel like a bad daughter. You're going to feel like you're being unreasonable. And it's because that's what happens when people violate boundaries; they make you feel like you're an unreasonable asshole. But there's really no reason you should have to listen to your mother harass you about something. She's hurting you, and you don't need to put up with it.

This. When I tried to tell her yesterday that I would not discuss the issue with her, her response was "jeesh I can't even talk to you as mother/daughter anymore. I don't know what your problem is." That's what keeps drawing me in. Is that I feel like a fucking asshole and I'm being cruel, and she's so hurt and everyone in the family is going to hate me for being so mean to her. You are very wise.

KatieinBkln · December 2014

novella1186 said:

phira said:

@carrie0924's advice is really important: it's an essential life skill to draw and enforce a boundary.

I wouldn't even say, "I let her draw me in," because you don't really LET someone violate a boundary. They just do it. What you need to do is enforce the boundary.

This sounds simple, but it's incredibly difficult, and you should NOT feel bad when you fail to enforce a boundary. My 56-year-old mother can barely enforce boundaries with my 80-year-old grandmother, and she tries.

What I've found really helps is to write down exactly what the boundary is: "I will not talk about my sister with my mother, nor will I listen to my mom talk about my relationship with my sister." Then practice warning your mother when she violates the boundary. "Mom, like I've said before, I'm not going to talk about Susie or my relationship with Susie." Then practice some specific subject-changers. "Anyway, are you caught up on The Walking Dead?/How's the new couch working out so far?/What food can I bring to Christmas?"

Then, you come up with what happens when she violates the boundary again. "Mom, I just said that I'm not going to talk about this with you, but I can see that this is all you want to talk about right now. I'm going to hang up." And then do it. Just do it.

If you get a barrage of texts, ignore them. Delete them without reading them. Emails? Delete without reading. More phone calls? I'd ignore her for the rest of the day/night. If she calls again the next day to talk about it again, say, "Mom, I guess I wasn't clear yesterday, but I'm not going to talk about this with you, so if that's what you want to talk about, this conversation is over. Bye." And then HANG UP.

You're going to feel like an asshole. You're going to feel like a bad daughter. You're going to feel like you're being unreasonable. And it's because that's what happens when people violate boundaries; they make you feel like you're an unreasonable asshole. But there's really no reason you should have to listen to your mother harass you about something. She's hurting you, and you don't need to put up with it.

This. When I tried to tell her yesterday that I would not discuss the issue with her, her response was "jeesh I can't even talk to you as mother/daughter anymore. I don't know what your problem is." That's what keeps drawing me in. Is that I feel like a fucking asshole and I'm being cruel, and she's so hurt and everyone in the family is going to hate me for being so mean to her. You are very wise.

The bolded is the grasping of a desperate person. I'm guessing people don't often enforce boundaries with your mom. People who operate the way she does do NOT take well to boundary-enforcement, and they'll pull every emotionally abusive trick in the book to avoid having to respect said boundaries. So they'll cheat. They'll conflate "obeying one very simple rule about which conversations are ok to have with Novella" with "not even being able to talk as mother and daughter anymore." They'll accuse you of being cold/mean/a bad daughter/a bad person. They'll get you right where it hurts, then act shocked when you are angry about it.

It ain't healthy, and it ain't right. And @Phira is so right that you'll naturally feel bad when you are forced to disengage (uh, with extreme prejudice at times--hanging up on her, deleting her texts/emails, etc.) BUT. That doesn't mean you are doing a bad thing. In fact, I would argue that, in addition to improving your quality of life (these stress migraines have to go), you will actually be doing your mother, and indeed your entire family, a huge favor, by teaching them a healthier way of relating. You'll be setting her free from a cycle of worry, anxiety, misplaced guiltmongering, and fear. Can you imagine the relief a person must feel when they're given permission to just...relax for once?

I'm not saying this is a guarantee. Many people like your mother stay set in their ways. Your best-case scenario may very well be limiting Mom-time to small, well enforced doses. But maybe, just maybe, your standing up for yourself will trigger a sea change in the way your entire family relates. It is not your responsibility to fix them by any means, but by taking care of yourself and doing this very hard thing (enforcing boundaries) you WILL be doing what is right for all of you, whether she can see it or not.

I'm rooting for you, boo. You can do this.

phira · December 2014

I just want to add:

I'm estranged from my dad. One of the biggest reasons is because it was legitimately impossible for me to set boundaries and still have contact with him.

After nearly four years of estrangement, when I was in college, I decided I was in a much better place emotionally and that I would try to have a relationship with him. Within a week, he was insisting that we get dinner, and then (within another week), he was telling me that I had to meet his wife because she was my family now and by refusing to meet her, I was hurting her feelings and his feelings and rejecting my family, etc. etc.

No amount of, "Dad, I'm just getting used to talking with you on the phone," worked. No amount of, "Dad, I'm not ready to meet the woman you met and married while we were estranged when I'm still getting used to having a relationship with you," worked. Hell, no amount of, "Dad, I'm not ready for this and if you're insisting, then maybe we need to go back to the way things were," could convince him. I ended up caving--in order to preserve my relationship with my siblings.

There is just no way to briefly open the door to communicate about anything without him jamming his foot in and keeping it open. So I closed it and locked it, and it's over.

I am not suggesting that everyone should opt for estrangement. It's really difficult, and having such a fucked up family situation ended up being the number one stressor leading up to and during the wedding itself. It's not going to get any easier, either. But for me, it was the only way to preserve my mental health. My dad never respected my boundaries, so I can't have him in my life.

themuffinman16 · December 2014

Sorry you are going through this, and around the holidays, too. I wish people would put the drama on hiatus over the holidays.Christ, what does it matter who talks to whom? My family is like that, too. If you are not trying to get your mother to stop talking to your sister... which I know you aren't doing, it isn't any of her business. Your mother is free to love your sister. I don't get how you and the relationship with your sister has anything to do with your mother?

I could give you some good points to say to your mother, but if she is anything like my step-mother, it will fall on deaf ears, and she will still blame you. Sending you hugs and hoping you have all the wine tonight.

KytchynWitche · December 2014

Like @phira, I am also estranged from my dad (after BSCSM incident a year ago). For as long as I can remember, my dad would hurt me and I had to apologize. Things would be good for a little while, and then something would happen, and dad would hurt me again. I'm talking about emotional abuse although he did once try to hit me (as an adult) but I got away.

Last year, after 20+ years of back-and-forth between us, I just stopped. I didn't apologize this time, because I honestly don't believe I did anything that needs apologizing for - his wife got drunk and attacked me, I left, we (my sister and BIL, and DH and I) spoke to dad later that night and told him we were worried about her alcoholism, and he told us to fuck off.

I'm not going to lie, it hurt like hell. I felt like an asshole, especially when it came to sending out invitations for the wedding, but DH backed me up and has been so supportive of me through this whole thing. BUT I no longer have to deal with emotional abuse from dad and BSCSM. I don't get guilt-tripped when I haven't spoken to them, or when I don't apologize for "making them" abuse me, or when I just don't answer the phone or reply to emails.

Don't let people tell you that you're family so you have to make up or you're being a petulant teenager, because it's bullshit. It takes a whole hell of a lot more than DNA to make a family, and it sounds to me like this relationship is very one-sided - you give, give, give, they take, take, take, and then shit all over you because it's not to their liking. So screw 'em! (Am I allowed to say that?)

novella1186 · December 2014

You're all very strong, wise ladies. I'm so glad you're sharing this advice and your own experiences with me. It's helping a lot. I'm taking a break from my mom for a while. I'm too pissed off and frustrated about all of this and I think I just need space from all of them. I would have no idea what to even do if it weren't for you guys, so again, thank you.

KatWAG · December 2014

princessofgenovia said:

People always ask me "Aren't you sad and lonely to be an only child?"...that's a big fat nope. My mother starts telling me to apologize to my sister/brother I officially get to call her crazy.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Keep throwing up boundaries, it sucks and it's hard, but it's a necessary evil.

I am an only chld also. And I fucking love it.

beethery · December 2014

KatWAG said:

princessofgenovia said:

People always ask me "Aren't you sad and lonely to be an only child?"...that's a big fat nope. My mother starts telling me to apologize to my sister/brother I officially get to call her crazy.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Keep throwing up boundaries, it sucks and it's hard, but it's a necessary evil.
I am an only chld also. And I fucking love it.

Sometimes I think about my childhood and how I was lonely a lot.

And then I hear about the bullshit you guys have to handle with your wack-ass siblings and I remember that I don't have to worry about telling siblings to fuck off because I don't have any. I'm cool with it now.

carrie0924 · December 2014

I've got similar dad drama as these last few comments, and I've had to cut him AND his entire family out of my life. My life has done nothing but improve by leaps and bounds, but I STILL make myself feel guilty about this decision. It is a very tough choice to make, and I'm certainly not recommending that with your mom and sister Novella. Just helping you to know that you are certainly not alone or unique in these problems.
Your mom is emotionally manipulating you and holding you hostage. I love the idea of writing down your boundaries and ways to cope/handle boundary crossings. Stay strong!

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

novella1186 said:

phira said:

@carrie0924's advice is really important: it's an essential life skill to draw and enforce a boundary.

I wouldn't even say, "I let her draw me in," because you don't really LET someone violate a boundary. They just do it. What you need to do is enforce the boundary.

This sounds simple, but it's incredibly difficult, and you should NOT feel bad when you fail to enforce a boundary. My 56-year-old mother can barely enforce boundaries with my 80-year-old grandmother, and she tries.

What I've found really helps is to write down exactly what the boundary is: "I will not talk about my sister with my mother, nor will I listen to my mom talk about my relationship with my sister." Then practice warning your mother when she violates the boundary. "Mom, like I've said before, I'm not going to talk about Susie or my relationship with Susie." Then practice some specific subject-changers. "Anyway, are you caught up on The Walking Dead?/How's the new couch working out so far?/What food can I bring to Christmas?"

Then, you come up with what happens when she violates the boundary again. "Mom, I just said that I'm not going to talk about this with you, but I can see that this is all you want to talk about right now. I'm going to hang up." And then do it. Just do it.

If you get a barrage of texts, ignore them. Delete them without reading them. Emails? Delete without reading. More phone calls? I'd ignore her for the rest of the day/night. If she calls again the next day to talk about it again, say, "Mom, I guess I wasn't clear yesterday, but I'm not going to talk about this with you, so if that's what you want to talk about, this conversation is over. Bye." And then HANG UP.

You're going to feel like an asshole. You're going to feel like a bad daughter. You're going to feel like you're being unreasonable. And it's because that's what happens when people violate boundaries; they make you feel like you're an unreasonable asshole. But there's really no reason you should have to listen to your mother harass you about something. She's hurting you, and you don't need to put up with it.

This. When I tried to tell her yesterday that I would not discuss the issue with her, her response was "jeesh I can't even talk to you as mother/daughter anymore. I don't know what your problem is." That's what keeps drawing me in. Is that I feel like a fucking asshole and I'm being cruel, and she's so hurt and everyone in the family is going to hate me for being so mean to her. You are very wise.

That's why you are going to a therapist- so they can help you work through all of these feelings and learn how to overcome them so that you no longer feel that way. It might not be easy or happen quickly, but keep at it, do as Phira suggested, and you will start to feel soooo much better.

novella1186 · December 2014

I really wish I could get my mom to see that she's wrong when she does this shit, rather than her lashing out at me and saying I'm being so out of line. I called her out for guilt tripping me about something a few weeks ago and she flipped the fuck out and denied that that's what she was doing. Come on, lady. How stupid do you think I am?

A few months ago I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff because that was becoming a mess. But to be honest, I wasn't even DOING any wedding stuff. I wasn't even thinking about it at all. All the major stuff was booked and taken care of, so I was in the lull. Well she sent me an extremely long sobby e-mail accusing me of being cold-hearted and purposely not including her in her own daughter's wedding and she was "The Mother of the Bride" (yes she fucking capitalized it) and she was SO humiliated and heartbroken that all her friends kept asking her about my wedding and she didn't even know what to tell them because she's been unfairly and cruelly cut out of it and sad sad sad stories.

WTF am I supposed to do with that nonsense?

lovegood90 · December 2014

novella1186 said:

I really wish I could get my mom to see that she's wrong when she does this shit, rather than her lashing out at me and saying I'm being so out of line. I called her out for guilt tripping me about something a few weeks ago and she flipped the fuck out and denied that that's what she was doing. Come on, lady. How stupid do you think I am?

A few months ago I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff because that was becoming a mess. But to be honest, I wasn't even DOING any wedding stuff. I wasn't even thinking about it at all. All the major stuff was booked and taken care of, so I was in the lull. Well she sent me an extremely long sobby e-mail accusing me of being cold-hearted and purposely not including her in her own daughter's wedding and she was "The Mother of the Bride" (yes she fucking capitalized it) and she was SO humiliated and heartbroken that all her friends kept asking her about my wedding and she didn't even know what to tell them because she's been unfairly and cruelly cut out of it and sad sad sad stories.

WTF am I supposed to do with that nonsense?

Hit that delete button, girl! Don't even acknowledge it. Also LOL at the capitalized title she gave herself.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

novella1186 said:

I really wish I could get my mom to see that she's wrong when she does this shit, rather than her lashing out at me and saying I'm being so out of line. I called her out for guilt tripping me about something a few weeks ago and she flipped the fuck out and denied that that's what she was doing. Come on, lady. How stupid do you think I am?

A few months ago I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff because that was becoming a mess. But to be honest, I wasn't even DOING any wedding stuff. I wasn't even thinking about it at all. All the major stuff was booked and taken care of, so I was in the lull. Well she sent me an extremely long sobby e-mail accusing me of being cold-hearted and purposely not including her in her own daughter's wedding and she was "The Mother of the Bride" (yes she fucking capitalized it) and she was SO humiliated and heartbroken that all her friends kept asking her about my wedding and she didn't even know what to tell them because she's been unfairly and cruelly cut out of it and sad sad sad stories.

WTF am I supposed to do with that nonsense?

It's not that she thinks your are stupid per se, it's that she has no consideration for your feelings at all, period. This drama is all about her, and how she feels. And I'd bet she has been like this her entire life. She creates drama to have attention placed on her.

I really doubt anything you can say will change her. . . adults usually need to go to therapy to see that they are behaving dysfunctionally and to change.

novella1186 · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

novella1186 said:

I really wish I could get my mom to see that she's wrong when she does this shit, rather than her lashing out at me and saying I'm being so out of line. I called her out for guilt tripping me about something a few weeks ago and she flipped the fuck out and denied that that's what she was doing. Come on, lady. How stupid do you think I am?

A few months ago I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff because that was becoming a mess. But to be honest, I wasn't even DOING any wedding stuff. I wasn't even thinking about it at all. All the major stuff was booked and taken care of, so I was in the lull. Well she sent me an extremely long sobby e-mail accusing me of being cold-hearted and purposely not including her in her own daughter's wedding and she was "The Mother of the Bride" (yes she fucking capitalized it) and she was SO humiliated and heartbroken that all her friends kept asking her about my wedding and she didn't even know what to tell them because she's been unfairly and cruelly cut out of it and sad sad sad stories.

WTF am I supposed to do with that nonsense?

It's not that she thinks your are stupid per se, it's that she has no consideration for your feelings at all, period. This drama is all about her, and how she feels. And I'd bet she has been like this her entire life. She creates drama to have attention placed on her.

I really doubt anything you can say will change her. . . adults usually need to go to therapy to see that they are behaving dysfunctionally and to change.

I think I need to recommend this to her. She is a drama lover, for sure. She starts huge fights with her friends and my aunts over NOTHING and then tells me all about it and I'm just like "Wow mom, that was really immature of you. This sounds like junior high. You need to knock it off." And she answers with "But SHE'S the one who..." or some such nonsense. It's fucking exhausting.

It also really pisses me off that she runs back and forth between my sister and I, saying shit to both of us about the fight we had, which is none of her business, and then reporting to one of us what the other one has said. Again, junior high. And drama mongering.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

novella1186 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

novella1186 said:

I really wish I could get my mom to see that she's wrong when she does this shit, rather than her lashing out at me and saying I'm being so out of line. I called her out for guilt tripping me about something a few weeks ago and she flipped the fuck out and denied that that's what she was doing. Come on, lady. How stupid do you think I am?

A few months ago I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff because that was becoming a mess. But to be honest, I wasn't even DOING any wedding stuff. I wasn't even thinking about it at all. All the major stuff was booked and taken care of, so I was in the lull. Well she sent me an extremely long sobby e-mail accusing me of being cold-hearted and purposely not including her in her own daughter's wedding and she was "The Mother of the Bride" (yes she fucking capitalized it) and she was SO humiliated and heartbroken that all her friends kept asking her about my wedding and she didn't even know what to tell them because she's been unfairly and cruelly cut out of it and sad sad sad stories.

WTF am I supposed to do with that nonsense?

It's not that she thinks your are stupid per se, it's that she has no consideration for your feelings at all, period. This drama is all about her, and how she feels. And I'd bet she has been like this her entire life. She creates drama to have attention placed on her.

I really doubt anything you can say will change her. . . adults usually need to go to therapy to see that they are behaving dysfunctionally and to change.

I think I need to recommend this to her. She is a drama lover, for sure. She starts huge fights with her friends and my aunts over NOTHING and then tells me all about it and I'm just like "Wow mom, that was really immature of you. This sounds like junior high. You need to knock it off." And she answers with "But SHE'S the one who..." or some such nonsense. It's fucking exhausting.

It also really pisses me off that she runs back and forth between my sister and I, saying shit to both of us about the fight we had, which is none of her business, and then reporting to one of us what the other one has said. Again, junior high. And drama mongering.

I probably wouldn't do that. In order for therapy to work, a person has to seek it out willingly.

Your mother has been acting like this for decades, and everyone around her has been reinforcing this behavior for decades. . . so she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. The best thing you can do is set up and enforce your boundaries, and keep going to therapy yourself. Your mom may start to modify her behavior when she stops getting the attention and reactions from you that she wants.

The other thing is that you also have to start accepting your mother for who she is, no matter how dysfunctional she is. What I mean is that you have to stop wishing and trying to "fix" her. Like I said, she's been acting this way for decades. . . it's unlikely to stop completely, so no use wishing for change and then feeling disappointed and sad when it doesn't happen.

novella1186 · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

novella1186 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

novella1186 said:

I really wish I could get my mom to see that she's wrong when she does this shit, rather than her lashing out at me and saying I'm being so out of line. I called her out for guilt tripping me about something a few weeks ago and she flipped the fuck out and denied that that's what she was doing. Come on, lady. How stupid do you think I am?

A few months ago I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff because that was becoming a mess. But to be honest, I wasn't even DOING any wedding stuff. I wasn't even thinking about it at all. All the major stuff was booked and taken care of, so I was in the lull. Well she sent me an extremely long sobby e-mail accusing me of being cold-hearted and purposely not including her in her own daughter's wedding and she was "The Mother of the Bride" (yes she fucking capitalized it) and she was SO humiliated and heartbroken that all her friends kept asking her about my wedding and she didn't even know what to tell them because she's been unfairly and cruelly cut out of it and sad sad sad stories.

WTF am I supposed to do with that nonsense?

It's not that she thinks your are stupid per se, it's that she has no consideration for your feelings at all, period. This drama is all about her, and how she feels. And I'd bet she has been like this her entire life. She creates drama to have attention placed on her.

I really doubt anything you can say will change her. . . adults usually need to go to therapy to see that they are behaving dysfunctionally and to change.

I think I need to recommend this to her. She is a drama lover, for sure. She starts huge fights with her friends and my aunts over NOTHING and then tells me all about it and I'm just like "Wow mom, that was really immature of you. This sounds like junior high. You need to knock it off." And she answers with "But SHE'S the one who..." or some such nonsense. It's fucking exhausting.

It also really pisses me off that she runs back and forth between my sister and I, saying shit to both of us about the fight we had, which is none of her business, and then reporting to one of us what the other one has said. Again, junior high. And drama mongering.

I probably wouldn't do that. In order for therapy to work, a person has to seek it out willingly.

Your mother has been acting like this for decades, and everyone around her has been reinforcing this behavior for decades. . . so she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. The best thing you can do is set up and enforce your boundaries, and keep going to therapy yourself. Your mom may start to modify her behavior when she stops getting the attention and reactions from you that she wants.

The other thing is that you also have to start accepting your mother for who she is, no matter how dysfunctional she is. What I mean is that you have to stop wishing and trying to "fix" her. Like I said, she's been acting this way for decades. . . it's unlikely to stop completely, so no use wishing for change and then feeling disappointed and sad when it doesn't happen.

You're totally right. I'm adding that to one of my goals for therapy. I have to just accept it and move on or it will drive me completely insane forever.

drunkenwitch · December 2014

Holy shit, do we have the same Mother? Seriously. I have dealt with all this bullshit with my BSC (s)mother. I have really strict boundaries in place now and lots of coping mechanisms. PM me if you want any advice.

Fuming right now.

Re: Fuming right now.

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