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How would you know your FI isn't the "one"?
Hello all. I know I haven't posted in these boards yet, I mainly just reply to stuff on other boards. But right now i'm having issues with the man I'm engaged to, and I don't feel comfortable talking to people close to us because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Long story short, we've been together two years. In the first half, he was very kind, loving, and everything I would want in a husband. He brought me to his church, which over time we discovered the pastors there were very controlling (tried controlling his bank accounts, gave false words from God etc) and made it hard for us to be together. We broke away from that place, but during that time my fi became very unstable emotionally due to him being ultra close with the pastors. We had gotten into minor physical altercations before from the stress of being under such unstable church leadership, but it came to a point where I wanted to leave him after we left the former church for my own safety. After much pleading on his part, we got back together on the agreement that he would seek help for his anger outbursts. In the past six months that he's been going to counseling his physical anger has gotten MUCH better. We then got engaged and things had been great. But I can't help but get bothered by the constant blaming and walking on eggshells. He feels since he was the one that gets angry and has harmed me, I should do EVERYTHING in my power to not tick him off, even at cost of my own emotional stability. I have to know his exact mood at any given moment before i bring up anything up, and I better deliver the message right or else it's an argument. I don't feel comfortable bringing up any thoughts, ideas, or feelings because I'm always made out to be wrong. And when he brings things up I may disagree with or I tell him something he has done wrong, he can never discuss things like an adult. He flies off the handle, punches things, turns it back around on me for "starting arguments and having anxiety". I may not be 100% innocent I know. I have my own issues with depression, taking 21 credit hours in school, being unemployed, so sometimes I may not always be in the best of moods. But I don't nitpick at him or make him feel low like he does me.
I guess this last weekend really threw me over the edge. We got into an argument, and instead of trying to resolve things with me he kicked me out of his home and went to a strip club. Not only did he go, but he lied to me about it which in my opinion is worse. His only excuse being he wanted to be "delusional" and do something crazy for once. This is the first time he has EVER done anything like this. It took me a long time to be able to trust him 100% (i was hurt many times in the past from previous guys so me trusting anyone is HUGE) and it set me back a few steps. He then refused to even call me the next day, because he "had never been in that type of situation and didn't know what to say". No sincere apology, nothing. He took me out to eat later in the week and then blamed me for him not apologizing because I was so mad and he couldn't confront me. Seriously? smh. He went on to tell me that "Love isn't based on trust, but on unconditional love" and that it was wrong for me to be upset because my trust being broken. Maybe it would be easier to base it off of love if all the other crap didn't come along with love.
We're in counseling now as well, but since he's a greater debator than I am, I'm made to look like someone with anxiety and now the counselor wants me to get on medication. I don't know if it's medication I need or a long break away from this madness.
And no, this is not mud. I'm really looking for an outside perspective, relatives are mostly biased and I'd prefer not to tarnish his name to our friends.
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Re: How would you know your FI isn't the "one"?
You are in an abusive relationship. Get out.
Those doubts? That's your fight flight instinct. Time to fly.
I was in a very controlling relationship in my early 20's and while my FI at the time wasn't this bad he definitely controlled me through guilt and manipulation which sounds like what is happening here... I can't tell you what is right for you or your relationship but I can say that it doesn't sound healthy as it is right now.
ETA: I did end up breaking off that relationship (6 months before the wedding date) and taking the time to get my own issues worked out. It took awhile, but I met H 4 years ago and I can tell you from personal experience it was a night/day difference in my experience. I never doubted that H was the right guy.
I'm the fuck out.
It sounds like you both need counseling, separately. You both need to work on yourselves, separately. You need to get as far away from him as possible so you can grow in healthy ways. Stop being so hard on yourself - he's already doing that for you.
Also, his unconditional love thing.... that doesn't mean you need to stick around and be his emotional and literal punching bag. You can love somebody and also do what is right for both of you by walking away and seeking help. There are many different types of love. Love for family, love for friends, love for a romantic partner, love for animals, love for God, etc etc etc. Showing love for somebody is often times doing what is hard but what is right for that person and for yourself. Please get out of this abusive relationship before it gets worse.
Fucking run.
He won't change.
If your FI intimidates you and is verbally abusive and pushy during your counseling sessions, go to a session by yourself so you can be heard and not overruled.