How would you know your FI isn't the "one"?

Re: How would you know your FI isn't the "one"?

• AguaEau member

  

  December 2014

  Jesus Christ.  He doesn't sound like someone I would want to get coffee with, let alone marry.
  
  Would you really want to sign up for this bullshit for the rest of your life?
  

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• sarawifenow member

  

  December 2014

  It sounds to me like you know what you need to do. So just do it. You will feel so much better when you are away from him.

  

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• slothiegal member

  

  December 2014

  Oh honey.  Run, don't walk.  These aren't even red flags, they are giant sandwich boards with big bold font saying "LEAVE THIS POS."

  

  
  

  
  

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• sassyfrass2014 member

  

  December 2014

  Love is not enough to marry someone. The stupid idea that love all you need to marry someone someone is is media perpetuated bullshit. You need to leave him.

  
  

  I'm even more appalled that his mother and sister know of this abuse and still allow it to happen. These women, your future in-laws, clearly do not care for you, and you don't deserve this abuse from all sides of this man's family. 

  
  

  

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• Fran1985 member

  

  December 2014

  I think a good indicator that he isn't the one is that you describe him on a message board and within 20 minutes you have 30 replies telling you to leave.

  Somtimes you need to put it on paper and look at it objectly. Take some time and reread what you wrote- I think you know he isn't the one for you. You should not have to worry about your partners debate skills in therapy, and I strongly suggest getting some individual help too.

  Also please don't worry about what other people think- if they think you "cant handle his awesomeness" let them think that. Clue the people that are your support network in so that you have support, but please dont worry about what anyone else thinks. Its your life, and you dont want to live in fear and on eggshells forever.

  
  
  

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• flutteringinfl member

  

  December 2014

  My advice to you is leave and don't look back. I'm sure you can't convey the whole story in one message, but I don't think there's anything good you can tell me about this guy that would make me think it's worth you staying. He sounds like he hasn't gotten help; he's just learned new ways to abuse you and get away with it. Don't let him.

  

  
  

  
  

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• steph861 member

  

  December 2014

  Girl, you know what to do. If us telling you you're not crazy (and you're definitely not) is what you need, you came to the right place. So many women on these boards have been where you are and can attest to how much better their lives are now that they're no longer with their POS ex.

  
  
  
  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  December 2014

  flutteringinftmyers said:

  My advice to you is leave and don't look back. I'm sure you can't convey the whole story in one message, but I don't think there's anything good you can tell me about this guy that would make me think it's worth you staying. He sounds like he hasn't gotten help; he's just learned new ways to abuse you and get away with it. Don't let him.

  This. OP, from your second post, I get the impression that he isn't going to change and doesn't want to. Especially when he turns the blame on you. Don't spend your life in terror and misery. From my experience, it only gets worse. And the sooner you get out of there, the better. Just be glad you had this revelation BEFORE you got married, and especially before you had kids. It's so easy to cut the ties right now. So cut em and run. 

  

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• teamc2016 member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  blabla89 said:

  I'm sorry you're going through all this with your FI. No one deserves to be in a relationship that is physically or psychologically abusive (and it sounds like this is what you have). You deserve better than this. You should not have to walk on eggshells and you absolutely should never have to fear a physical altercation. I think it's pretty clear that this man is not "the one" and I think you know it, too, which is why you're asking. May I ask you, why is it that you have stayed with him this long?
  

  No problem in asking.  I held on to the fact that he is SOOOOOO kind and loving when he isn't acting this way.  He loves me, loves my family, funny, intelligent, giving to EVERYONE and has helped me out so much finacially since I've been out of work.  He's my best friend in all other aspects. He'd give the shirt off his back if someone needed it. He's the first man I've met that all our goals  (getting married, going to church, having children) have lined up perfectly and he seems like he'll be a good dad.  That's what makes it so hard

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• steph861 member

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  blabla89 said:

  I'm sorry you're going through all this with your FI. No one deserves to be in a relationship that is physically or psychologically abusive (and it sounds like this is what you have). You deserve better than this. You should not have to walk on eggshells and you absolutely should never have to fear a physical altercation. I think it's pretty clear that this man is not "the one" and I think you know it, too, which is why you're asking. May I ask you, why is it that you have stayed with him this long?
  

  No problem in asking.  I held on to the fact that he is SOOOOOO kind and loving when he isn't acting this way.  He loves me, loves my family, and has helped me out so much finacially since I've been out of work.  He's my best friend in all other aspects.  He's the first man I've met that all our goals  (getting married, going to church, having children) have lined up perfectly and he seems like he'll be a good dad.  That's what makes it so hard

  Good dads don't abuse their family.

  
  
  
  
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  December 2014

  There were 2 good-looking single guys (not together) in front of me at church on Sunday.  There are more men out there who are church-going guys.  This man is not the one.  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• plainjane0415 member

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  lacqueredlover said:

  Did you say physical altercations?

  
  

  NO.  No one deserves that.  EVER.  He sounds manipulative and quite frankly scary.

  
  

  Are you in counseling on your own?  I highly suggest you start if you aren't because this sounds like a very scary situation to me, especially if he's manipulating a counselor.  

  
  

  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?

  I feel like I'm in a movie....swear

  Everyone sees him as this GREAT man.  HE goes to church, has a good job, nice car, a teacher and is great with kids.  He used to be a preacher (Which speaks VOLUMES on the church we were at since they didnt dig deep enough to see who he really was before letting him preach) and he is quite handsome and well dressed.  Yet, he does all this bull crap and I'm made to look like the woman who "can't handle his awesomeness".  His mother and sister knew of the abuse, but told me i was wrong for setting him off smh.  I'm really angry about this whole thing, and although he is great and wants to change I just don't know how much more I can take now.

  
  

  I'm not in individual counseling.  I JUST got health insurance through the state since I'm unemployed and they were pushing the idea of anxiety meds on me.  I'll definately start.

  
  First off.. **hugs** I am so sorry that he treats you this way.  That behavior is in no way, shape, or form love.  Loving someone means respecting them for who they are, caring about their feelings, and being a mutual friend and partner in life.  He is none of those things for you.  It is so unbelievably wrong of him to make you feel the way that you do!  No one deserves that, you need to leave him and find someone who will appreciate and love you for the great person you are.  Don't put up with his manipulative bullshit.

  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  blabla89 said:

  I'm sorry you're going through all this with your FI. No one deserves to be in a relationship that is physically or psychologically abusive (and it sounds like this is what you have). You deserve better than this. You should not have to walk on eggshells and you absolutely should never have to fear a physical altercation. I think it's pretty clear that this man is not "the one" and I think you know it, too, which is why you're asking. May I ask you, why is it that you have stayed with him this long?
  

  No problem in asking.  I held on to the fact that he is SOOOOOO kind and loving when he isn't acting this way.  He loves me, loves my family, and has helped me out so much finacially since I've been out of work.  He's my best friend in all other aspects.  He's the first man I've met that all our goals  (getting married, going to church, having children) have lined up perfectly and he seems like he'll be a good dad.  That's what makes it so hard

  That's how my psycho ex was too. Such a sweet charming guy, until he punched me in the face and threw me backwards down a flight of stairs. But was then so sorry and sweet again. And was getting help for his anger issues! 

  
  

  FI is also very sweet, and is my best friend, except he acts that way ALL THE TIME. Not just sometimes. You can find a guy who treats you well ALL THE TIME and who wants the same things as you. Those are common things to want. That guy is out there waiting for you right now. 

  

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• beethery member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  blabla89 said:

  I'm sorry you're going through all this with your FI. No one deserves to be in a relationship that is physically or psychologically abusive (and it sounds like this is what you have). You deserve better than this. You should not have to walk on eggshells and you absolutely should never have to fear a physical altercation. I think it's pretty clear that this man is not "the one" and I think you know it, too, which is why you're asking. May I ask you, why is it that you have stayed with him this long?
  

  No problem in asking.  I held on to the fact that he is SOOOOOO kind and loving when he isn't acting this way.  He loves me, loves my family, and has helped me out so much finacially since I've been out of work.  He's my best friend in all other aspects.  He's the first man I've met that all our goals  (getting married, going to church, having children) have lined up perfectly and he seems like he'll be a good dad.  That's what makes it so hard

  Yeah they're all really nice when they're not screaming at you in a frothing rage and expecting to prostrate yourself at their feet for when they've decided that something is your fault.

  
  

  Someone who is truly great and really loves you wouldn't do this at any time.

  
  

  Just because you jammed the piece into your puzzle doesn't mean he fits right.

  
  

  Also he would not be a good dad, can you imagine him doing this wild shit to a child? That is NOT good fathering.

  --

  
  I'm the fuck out.

  
  

  
  

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• lacqueredlover member

  

  December 2014

  For the record, you can't only want to be with someone for when they are acting at their best.  You have to be able to still love and trust them at their absolute worst.  If their worst consists of lying to you, manipulating you and physically harming you, that's nothing to love.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Fran1985 member

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  blabla89 said:

  I'm sorry you're going through all this with your FI. No one deserves to be in a relationship that is physically or psychologically abusive (and it sounds like this is what you have). You deserve better than this. You should not have to walk on eggshells and you absolutely should never have to fear a physical altercation. I think it's pretty clear that this man is not "the one" and I think you know it, too, which is why you're asking. May I ask you, why is it that you have stayed with him this long?
  

  No problem in asking.  I held on to the fact that he is SOOOOOO kind and loving when he isn't acting this way.  He loves me, loves my family, and has helped me out so much finacially since I've been out of work.  He's my best friend in all other aspects.  He's the first man I've met that all our goals  (getting married, going to church, having children) have lined up perfectly and he seems like he'll be a good dad.  That's what makes it so hard

  
  Does he though? Your kids are going to learn the same things you are- how to be submissive how to not set off dad. But they won't be able to recover from it nearly as easily since it will be instilled so young. Think about your future daughter and if you want to see her dad yell at her for "making him angry."

  Your goals for a mate are so, so basic. There are millions of men who want to get married, go to church and have children. Dont feel like you found the only one.

  
  
  

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  blabla89 said:

  I'm sorry you're going through all this with your FI. No one deserves to be in a relationship that is physically or psychologically abusive (and it sounds like this is what you have). You deserve better than this. You should not have to walk on eggshells and you absolutely should never have to fear a physical altercation. I think it's pretty clear that this man is not "the one" and I think you know it, too, which is why you're asking. May I ask you, why is it that you have stayed with him this long?
  

  No problem in asking.  I held on to the fact that he is SOOOOOO kind and loving when he isn't acting this way.  He loves me, loves my family, and has helped me out so much finacially since I've been out of work.  He's my best friend in all other aspects.  He's the first man I've met that all our goals  (getting married, going to church, having children) have lined up perfectly and he seems like he'll be a good dad.  That's what makes it so hard

  Is the highlighted worth it? It is worth your fear for your safety and not being allowed to have or express your feelings for the rest of your life worth the fact that he seems like a good dad?

  
  

  What will he do when the kids have feelings or upset him?

  
  

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• esstee33 member

  

  December 2014

  Girl, NO. This manchild is ABUSING YOU. Just because he's not currently hitting you doesn't mean he's not abusing you. He's making you responsible for HIS actions and blaming you for causing his anger? That's abuse. Seriously. You need to leave, like, yesterday. 

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  December 2014

  lacqueredlover said:

  For the record, you can't only want to be with someone for when they are acting at their best.  You have to be able to still love and trust them at their absolute worst.  If their worst consists of lying to you, manipulating you and physically harming you, that's nothing to love.  

  Big texted for truth.

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• jdluvr06 member

  

  December 2014

  You need to leave. Like now. I have nothing to add that the pps haven't already said but it can't be stated enough that you need to leave.

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• climbingsingle member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  Someone with an anger problem like that does not make a good dad. Trust me. Even if it's just yelling and punching things. 

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• mikenberger member

  

  December 2014

  He doesn't love you if he hits you, belittles you, manipulates you, is dishonest and overall, just a pretty bad dude.
  
  I understand seeing the good things. I was with an abuser for 5 years. However, when it came down to it, I loved ME more than I could ever love him or the things he could provide or publicly display.
  
  Its a show that he's putting on for everybody, including you. Love yourself and leave him.

  
  

  
  

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• lacqueredlover member

  

  December 2014

  I venture to guess there are literally millions of men on this planet that would like to get married and have children and would go to church.  DO NOT SETTLE for one who is emotionally and physically abusive.  What happens when he abuses your kids?  

  
  

  He doesn't love you.  If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like this.  Supporting you financially isn't love, it's yet another way to control you because you feel you owe him something.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  December 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Someone with an anger problem like that does not make a good dad. Trust me. Even if it's just yelling and punching things. 

  I second this. I grew up fucking terrified of my dad because he was always raging about something. Even if the rage wasn't directed at me, it was still scary as all hell. Now I'm in therapy and despise him, and we have no relationship. Is that the kind of dad you want for your children? 

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  novella1186 said:

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Someone with an anger problem like that does not make a good dad. Trust me. Even if it's just yelling and punching things. 

  I second this. I grew up fucking terrified of my dad because he was always raging about something. Even if the rage wasn't directed at me, it was still scary as all hell. Now I'm in therapy and despise him, and we have no relationship. Is that the kind of dad you want for your children? 

  Same here. The tiniest thing would send my dad into a rage. I spent the first 18 years of my life walking on eggshells every fucking day. When I heard his car pull into the driveway, I would race around the house to make sure everything was in order, and then I'd hide in my room until my mom got home. 

  
  

  Please don't marry this man and have kids with him. 

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• steph861 member

  

  December 2014

  novella1186 said:

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Someone with an anger problem like that does not make a good dad. Trust me. Even if it's just yelling and punching things. 

  I second this. I grew up fucking terrified of my dad because he was always raging about something. Even if the rage wasn't directed at me, it was still scary as all hell. Now I'm in therapy and despise him, and we have no relationship. Is that the kind of dad you want for your children? 

  H's dad was like this too. He never touched H, but it still affected him. Seeing somebody abuse somebody else still majorly fucks with a kid's head.

  
  
  
  
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  Hello all.  I know I haven't posted in these boards yet, I mainly just reply to stuff on other boards.  But right now i'm having issues with the man I'm engaged to, and I don't feel comfortable talking to people close to us because of the sensitivity of the subject.

  
  

  Long story short, we've been together two years.  In the first half, he was very kind, loving, and everything I would want in a husband. He brought me to his church, which over time we discovered the pastors there were very controlling (tried controlling his bank accounts, gave false words from God etc) and made it hard for us to be together.  We broke away from that place, but during that time my fi became very unstable emotionally due to him being ultra close with the pastors.  We had gotten into minor physical altercations before from the stress of being under such unstable church leadership, but it came to a point where I wanted to leave him after we left the former church for my own safety.  After much pleading on his part, we got back together on the agreement that he would seek help for his anger outbursts. In the past six months that he's been going to counseling his  physical anger has gotten MUCH better.  We then got engaged and things had been great.  But I can't help but get bothered by the constant blaming and walking on eggshells.  He feels since he was the one that gets angry and has harmed me, I should do EVERYTHING in my power to not tick him off,  even at cost of my own emotional stability.  I have to know his exact mood at any given moment before i bring up anything up, and I better deliver the message right or else it's an argument.  I don't feel comfortable bringing up any thoughts, ideas, or feelings because I'm always made out to be wrong.  And when he brings things up I may disagree with or I tell him something he has done wrong, he can never discuss things like an adult.  He flies off the handle, punches things, turns it back around on me for "starting arguments and having anxiety".  I may not be 100% innocent I know.  I have my own issues with depression, taking 21 credit hours in school, being unemployed,  so sometimes I may not always be in the best of moods. But I don't nitpick at him or make him feel low like he does me. 

  
  

  I guess this last weekend really threw me over the edge.  We got into an argument, and instead of trying to resolve things with me he kicked me out of his home and went to a strip club.  Not only did he go, but he lied to me about it which in my opinion is worse.  His only excuse being he wanted to be "delusional" and do something crazy for once.  This is the first time he has EVER done anything like this.  It took me a long time to be able to trust him 100% (i was hurt many times in the past from previous guys so me trusting anyone is HUGE) and it set me back a few steps.   He then refused to even call me the next day, because he "had never been in that type of situation and didn't know what to say".  No sincere apology, nothing.  He took me out to eat later in the week and then blamed me for him not apologizing because I was so mad and he couldn't confront me.  Seriously? smh.  He went on to tell me that "Love isn't based on trust, but on unconditional love" and that it was wrong for me to be upset because my trust being broken.  Maybe it would be easier to base it off of love if all the other crap didn't come along with love.

  
  

  We're in counseling now as well, but since he's a greater debator than I am, I'm made to look like someone with anxiety and now the counselor  wants me to get on medication.  I don't know if it's medication I need or a long break away from this madness.

  
  

  And no, this is not mud.  I'm really looking for an outside perspective, relatives are mostly biased and I'd prefer not to tarnish his name to our  friends.

  Run, don't walk away, from this relationship.
  
  This man is an explosive, dangerous, abusive-mentally and physically- jerk.  These red flags in his behavior, they will not get better and they were likely present all along in some more discreet form long before his schism with his church.
  
  Seek your own, independant counselor before you agree to take any medications.  And for your own saefty and well being you should seek that counseling away from your FI anyways.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  December 2014

  steph861 said:

  novella1186 said:

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Someone with an anger problem like that does not make a good dad. Trust me. Even if it's just yelling and punching things. 

  I second this. I grew up fucking terrified of my dad because he was always raging about something. Even if the rage wasn't directed at me, it was still scary as all hell. Now I'm in therapy and despise him, and we have no relationship. Is that the kind of dad you want for your children? 

  H's dad was like this too. He never touched H, but it still affected him. Seeing somebody abuse somebody else still majorly fucks with a kid's head.

  Yeah. My psycho ex was never abused by his raged-out dad. But he grew up watching his raged-out dad beat the crap out of his mother. And then what did he do? He grew up to beat the crap out of me. 

  

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• esstee33 member

  

  December 2014

  lacqueredlover said:

  I venture to guess there are literally millions of men on this planet that would like to get married and have children and would go to church.  DO NOT SETTLE for one who is emotionally and physically abusive.  What happens when he abuses your kids?  

  
  

  He doesn't love you.  If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like this.  Supporting you financially isn't love, it's yet another way to control you because you feel you owe him something.  

  Seriously. Wanting marriage and kids and being a member of a church are super, super common. This guy is not worth it. 

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2014

  teamc2016 said:

  lacqueredlover said:

  Did you say physical altercations?

  
  

  NO.  No one deserves that.  EVER.  He sounds manipulative and quite frankly scary.

  
  

  Are you in counseling on your own?  I highly suggest you start if you aren't because this sounds like a very scary situation to me, especially if he's manipulating a counselor.  

  
  

  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?

  I feel like I'm in a movie....swear

  Everyone sees him as this GREAT man.  HE goes to church, has a good job, nice car, a teacher and is great with kids.  He used to be a preacher (Which speaks VOLUMES on the church we were at since they didnt dig deep enough to see who he really was before letting him preach) and he is quite handsome and well dressed.  Yet, he does all this bull crap and I'm made to look like the woman who "can't handle his awesomeness".  His mother and sister knew of the abuse, but told me i was wrong for setting him off smh.  I'm really angry about this whole thing, and although he is great and wants to change I just don't know how much more I can take now.

  
  

  I'm not in individual counseling.  I JUST got health insurance through the state since I'm unemployed and they were pushing the idea of anxiety meds on me.  I'll definately start.

  There should be no "they" in this.  And frankly I don't trust a counselor who would buy your FI's dysfunctional and dangerous bullshit and think the answer is that you need to be on anxiety meds.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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