What if a guest gets an SO after invitations were sent out?

dcbride86 · December 2014

We ordered our invitations this week, so I'm looking back over my invitation list. I'm not giving plus one's, but I obviously am inviting all SOs. So my question is - what if a guest is single when the invitations go out, but starts dating someone soon after. Is their SO invited? Obviously I want to properly host every guest and their SO, but I'm worried that my guest list will be full and then a few guests will suddenly start dating people, but my guest list will be full because it had already been set.

So, I'm basically wondering if I need to reserve a few extra spots on our guest list in case this happens. Thanks!!

crackktheskyy · December 2014

dcbride86 said:

We ordered our invitations this week, so I'm looking back over my invitation list. I'm not giving plus one's, but I obviously am inviting all SOs. So my question is - what if a guest is single when the invitations go out, but starts dating someone soon after. Is their SO invited? Obviously I want to properly host every guest and their SO, but I'm worried that my guest list will be full and then a few guests will suddenly start dating people, but my guest list will be full because it had already been set.
So, I'm basically wondering if I need to reserve a few extra spots on our guest list in case this happens. Thanks!!

Someone correct me if I'm wrong here (and I could be wrong!), but I think the rule is that if someone is in a new relationship 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding after the invitations have gone out, you don't have to invite the SO because there is a reasonable expectation that you could not have known that your guest would meet someone in that very short time frame.

That being said, it is nice to have some wiggle room in your guest list for cases like this. While you certainly cannot predict the future and know to make space for someone that a guest has begun to date after you've mailed the invitations, it is definitely a nice gesture if you can accommodate their new SO.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

If you are sending out your invites 6-8 weeks in advance & someone is truely single when the invites go out, I think you are in the clear. I think you go by the status the person is at the time the invites go out (assuming you didn't send out the invites extra early) you can stick to that.

I know personally that if I just started dating someone (in the past since I'm married now) that if we were dating just a few weeks and I had received an invitation to a wedding with no plus one prior to me starting to date this person, I wouldn't expect you to change your guest list to accomodate me. Because weddings are expensive & people invite as many people as they can afford. If you could allow me a +1, the invite would have said +1. And if the new guy can't handle not being included to a wedding that I was invited to before I started dating him, there are other issues at hand.

climbingsingle · December 2014

One of my H's friends became involved with someone after our invites went out. We had declines, so I had more than enough room for her. I called him and told him he was welcome to bring her if he wanted.

MandyMost · December 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

One of my H's friends became involved with someone after our invites went out. We had declines, so I had more than enough room for her. I called him and told him he was welcome to bring her if he wanted.

I think that's a good way to go about it. If the person is single when the invites go out (and there are some people you should probably ask if they're single right before sending the invites, if they've been dating someone but not official yet), then you don't need to invite them with a guest or a significant other they don't yet have. But it's a nice gesture to call them and offer them to bring their SO if they want, if you have declines and can fit the person in.

Jen4948 · December 2014

If you have space in your venue and budget then it'd be a nice gesture to invite the new SO, but if it isn't possible, then you can tell your guest that unfortunately you can't accommodate their new SO.

But this only applies if they were not in a relationship when the invitations go out. If they were, both SOs must be invited at that time.

dcbride86 · December 2014

Thank you!! I know I still have awhile before I need to send the invitations, but if I did need to accommodate any last-minute SOs, I just wanted to make sure I had lots of extra space on my guest list.

I'll make sure to have at least a couple extra spots on the guest list just in case, but won't worry about having an extra spot for every single person just in case. Thanks so much for your help!

lyndausvi · December 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

One of my H's friends became involved with someone after our invites went out. We had declines, so I had more than enough room for her. I called him and told him he was welcome to bring her if he wanted.

this is what I would have done.

princessleia22 · December 2014

lyndausvi said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

One of my H's friends became involved with someone after our invites went out. We had declines, so I had more than enough room for her. I called him and told him he was welcome to bring her if he wanted.

this is what I would have done.

Same here... I wouldn't have left empty spots in my guest list just for this purpose. But if one of my guests got into a relationship after invites went out, I'd judge at that time if there was space to invite them to bring the new SO. If I had other declines, I'd call the friend/guest and let them know they were welcome to bring the new SO. If I was expecting 100% attendance and didn't have space, I'd just leave it as originally invited without the +1.

Basically it's B-listing, but it's B-listing someone who didn't even exist in your mind/life at the time you sent out invites. I doubt they would be upset that they weren't included in the original invite if they didn't exist in that circle when invites went out. This is probably the only time "b-listing" would be considered acceptable. Now, if you knew about the relationship when invites went out, that's a different story, but it sounds like that isn't what you intend to do.

lyndausvi · December 2014

princessleia22 said:

lyndausvi said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

One of my H's friends became involved with someone after our invites went out. We had declines, so I had more than enough room for her. I called him and told him he was welcome to bring her if he wanted.

this is what I would have done.

Same here... I wouldn't have left empty spots in my guest list just for this purpose. But if one of my guests got into a relationship after invites went out, I'd judge at that time if there was space to invite them to bring the new SO. If I had other declines, I'd call the friend/guest and let them know they were welcome to bring the new SO. If I was expecting 100% attendance and didn't have space, I'd just leave it as originally invited without the +1.
Basically it's B-listing, but it's B-listing someone who didn't even exist in your mind/life at the time you sent out invites. I doubt they would be upset that they weren't included in the original invite if they didn't exist in that circle when invites went out. This is probably the only time "b-listing" would be considered acceptable. Now, if you knew about the relationship when invites went out, that's a different story, but it sounds like that isn't what you intend to do.

some people make their lists up a year or more in advance. Then they get all in a tizzy because a single guest now has an SO. It's doesn't occur to them that during the 12 month time someone could ::gasp:: start dating.

So I recommend to everyone to have wiggle room in your list for just such a thing. It's kind of ridiculous to think your single guest will be single your entire engagement. I met and got engaged to DH within a few months. It can a does happen.

If you do it in the beginning in theory you would have room if after the invites go out you have a spot.

wrigleyville · December 2014

We gave all of our single guests an extra space in our guest list just in case they started dating someone before the invitations went out. We figured if they weren't with someone by then, we'd fill those spaces with other friends/family. That's a really good way to ensure you can invite all SOs without going over-capacity and over-budget.

As it turned out, three of our six single guests had SOs by the time the invitations went out. We ended up giving the other three a +1 instead of inviting other people. Since we had a DW, we thought it would be nice for them to have someone to travel with. All three of them brought friends we'd never met before, and we had a great time hanging out with them.

tcnoble · December 2014

Ditto all the other replies...

We just had our invites addressed within the last couple weeks, and will send them out late January... One of our mutual friends has been single for a long time and so her invite is addressed just to her. Well, she just recently got in to a relationship. We are at our venue capacity right now, but should we have declines we will extend the invite to her SO (if he's still around when it's time to give final count). I think it's understandable if you don't have the space or money to do that, but always a nice gesture if you can.

ETF spelling

JennyColada · December 2014

I gave all of my single guests a +1 from the start*

*my only single guest(s) were DH's divorced parents who brought each other. ;P

But I think PPs have you covered.

dcbride86 · December 2014

@jennycolada - I have sooo many single friends, and my parents put a pretty tight cap on our invite list (they're paying - and I'm SO thankful, but it is slightly annoying that only they could go over their allowed numbers of invites - decided by them in the first place)

Thanks so much everyone for the advice! Like I said, I know I still have awhile to think about it, but I was going back over my invite list and realized I only have so much wiggle room. There are some people I could bump off (which is why I did NOT send them STDs), but I'd certainly rather not. I'll reserve a couple spots for just in case, and just go from there.

danamw · December 2014

I worked with 2 girls, who started dating guys, who had invitations to weddings already RSVP'd yes, when they met. Both these girls did not attend the weddings as SO's, because they were only just dating the guys, and who knew they would wind up marrying them? Or even dating past 6 weeks time?

Neither of these girls were traumatized, neither suffered the effects of horrifying etiquette failures, or the agony of being without the new guy they were dating, for one day. One was New Year's Eve, too! It was all understood, these invitations were in place before they started dating.

Aside from all that, what is the definition of SO? It must mean different things to different people. In my dating days, if I had referred to some guy as my SO after dating for a month, he would have run screaming.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

danamw said:

I worked with 2 girls, who started dating guys, who had invitations to weddings already RSVP'd yes, when they met. Both these girls did not attend the weddings as SO's, because they were only just dating the guys, and who knew they would wind up marrying them? Or even dating past 6 weeks time?
Neither of these girls were traumatized, neither suffered the effects of horrifying etiquette failures, or the agony of being without the new guy they were dating, for one day. One was New Year's Eve, too! It was all understood, these invitations were in place before they started dating.
Aside from all that, what is the definition of SO? It must mean different things to different people. In my dating days, if I had referred to some guy as my SO after dating for a month, he would have run screaming.

The bolded is not what we are talking about. It's nice to include SO that happen after invitations go out, but is not required. As was said multiple times in this thread.

The issue is when people don't invite SO from the start, or like Lynda said, make their list a year out and don't modify it if someone get's into a relationship during that time.

And yes, everyone has a different definition of what a SO is. Therefore, it's up to the guest not the bride or groom or host to determine if they have a SO or not.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

danamw said:

I worked with 2 girls, who started dating guys, who had invitations to weddings already RSVP'd yes, when they met. Both these girls did not attend the weddings as SO's, because they were only just dating the guys, and who knew they would wind up marrying them? Or even dating past 6 weeks time?
Neither of these girls were traumatized, neither suffered the effects of horrifying etiquette failures, or the agony of being without the new guy they were dating, for one day. One was New Year's Eve, too! It was all understood, these invitations were in place before they started dating.
Aside from all that, what is the definition of SO? It must mean different things to different people. In my dating days, if I had referred to some guy as my SO after dating for a month, he would have run screaming.

The bolded is not what we are talking about. It's nice to include SO that happen after invitations go out, but is not required. As was said multiple times in this thread.

The issue is when people don't invite SO from the start, or like Lynda said, make their list a year out and don't modify it if someone get's into a relationship during that time.

And yes, everyone has a different definition of what a SO is. Therefore, it's up to the guest not the bride or groom or host to determine if they have a SO or not.

The definition of Significant Other is if you introduce a friend to your new boyfriend and he DOESN'T run away screaming. My first date with FH was on September 8th, I introduced him to my friends at a party in mid-October with just his first name, another friend introduced him to an acquaintance as my boyfriend. I asked him that night if he wanted to be considered my boyfriend, he said he would. Boom, significant other at 5 weeks.

WhatawagSBNy · December 2014

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

lovegood90 · December 2014

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

No, the length of time someone who has been together does not matter. The question is not "how long have you dated?" but "do you consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone?" If the answer is yes, their SO gets an invite.

banana468 · December 2014

lovegood90 said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

No, the length of time someone who has been together does not matter. The question is not "how long have you dated?" but "do you consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone?" If the answer is yes, their SO gets an invite.

This. Some members here talk about how they moved in with their spouses after just 1 mo and they were serious after 1 week. I knew my husband for years before we started seeing one another. You can bet that once we said, "We are a couple" it was a serious thing and that was before the 2 mo mark.

redoryx · December 2014

banana468 said:

lovegood90 said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

No, the length of time someone who has been together does not matter. The question is not "how long have you dated?" but "do you consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone?" If the answer is yes, their SO gets an invite.

This. Some members here talk about how they moved in with their spouses after just 1 mo and they were serious after 1 week. I knew my husband for years before we started seeing one another. You can bet that once we said, "We are a couple" it was a serious thing and that was before the 2 mo mark.

Yup, that's exactly how we were. Five weeks, I think. So, yes, i'd be annoyed if someone put an arbitrary 2 month mark on it because they didn't think we were serious enough.

mrscomposer · December 2014

"If we walked into a crowd of people that I knew and you didn't, would you want me to introduce you as my boyfriend?" "Yes."

Done. Third date.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

Who are you to make that call? Tell me one proper etiquette site that has a time frame for what makes a SO.

dolewhipper · December 2014

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

This is incredibly rude to presume.

I started dating a guy after my cousin sent out invites to his wedding. They got a couple declines and he was extended an invite to his wedding. This is where he met the majority of my large, extended family, including B & G.

He is now my fiance. And rest assured I am very grateful that he was extended the invite.

You can say the same things about married people. Oh, Aunt Sue has had 3 divorces, why should I invite her new husband knowing I probably wont see him in a couple years?

VulgarGirl · December 2014

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

I like to make it a general rule not to define the seriousness of other people's relationships for them.

I knew I was going to marry Wifey by the end of our first date. We started calling each other girlfriend within two weeks. 10 years and one wedding later, think she's gonna stick around.

slothiegal · December 2014

WhatawagSBNy said:

For general etiquette purposes, this would not be an established significant other. Someone one has dated 2 months or less? This would fall in the category "if you have room and don't mind hosting a bunch of people you may never see again" for invitations.

You don't get to define a relationship based on how long the couple has been together.

MandyMost · December 2014

People seem to be confusing two different time windows.

1. The time between you make the guest list and the time when you send the invites. This could easily be a year or more. In making the guest list, it is a smart idea to make sure you have space for every single guest to bring a future-significant-other if they meet someone within the year. For instance, if your venue fits a maximum of 150 people, and your guest list has 50 single guests on it...you should really only have 100 people on your guest list IN CASE those 50 single guests all get into relationships that would be another 50 people you HAVE TO invite, because you can never invite someone without their significant other. If you didn't leave room for these potential future significant others, you would end up having to cut your guest list (assuming you didn't send save the dates), or find a new venue (if you did) to accommodate these extra guests.

For me, I didn't have to many single guests at the time I made my invite list--maybe 15 or so. Out of those, at least 5 I was certain would not be in a relationship (i.e. my mother who has never dated since my father died, a cousin who has never dated anyone, etc.). So I made sure I could accommodate and extra 10 people (in case all 10 of those single friends got into relationships) when I made the original list. Turns out it was a good idea that I did...I think 7/10 were in relationships (all serious, some living together) by the time the invites went out almost a year later!

2. The time between sending the invitations and the wedding. This is usually a max of 6-8 weeks. You are under NO obligation to invite a significant other that didn't exist at the time the invite went out, and there is no need to save room in your guest list for these people. However, if you had declines, it would be nice (but by no means necessary) for you to ask you friend if they'd like to bring their new significant other.

In my situation we didn't have any single guests get into a relationship between the invites going out and the wedding. However, we did have someone break up with their boyfriend before the invites were mailed, and I was never made aware. When she got the invite she called and let me know, and said she was dating a new guy...she said she had no problem either coming alone or bringing him, whatever I wanted. I let her bring him, since I was already planning for her to come with someone.

WhatawagSBNy · December 2014

For purposes of determining the guest list, the etiquette issue is what rules do you use to determine which single guests may bring their significant others.

I considered my now hubby significant and likely permanent within 2 weeks. Many other people do too. Most etiquette folks like Miss Manners talk about SO of longstanding, or established couples meaning that they have been together over a longer period of time.

Ask Carley on this site Under Guest Q and A:

Q&A: Guest List: Let Single Wedding Guests Bring a Date?

Q.

My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding and we are on a tight budget. We would like to invite as many people as possible, which makes it tough to invite singles with guests. Is it acceptable to invite single family and friends but not include "and guest" on their invitations? My fiance says we have to allow wedding guests to bring a date out of courtesy. I just don't want to eliminate people just because we're obligated to let them bring a guest that we can't afford. What should we do?

A.

This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis. If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off your wedding guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding!

Or Martha Stewart http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser

If your relatives or friends are engaged to be married, their fiances (or fiancees) must be invited; their live-in romantic partners must be as well. However, if they are only dating, you need not invite their boyfriend or girlfriend. Should you decide to include some dates and not others, draw your cut-off line at a clearly identifiable place and communicate it to everyone who is not allowed to invite someone to accompany them.Beware, many unmarried people find it tremendously upsetting to not be allowed to bring a date. Prepare them for the idea and pay careful attention to where the singletons sit during dinner.As for your attendants -- letting them bring an escort would be a considerate gesture. It's not required, but they've done a lot for you.
The issue is no problem when only one or 2 people are involved - invite them.But sometimes there are 10 or 20 people on your list where SO and Dates are an issue. And inviting all means up to 2000 or more for meals and drinks, or having to choose a new venue with enough seats, which may cost way more, Or a different church or chapel with enough seating.If all of the hosts, usually some combination of parents or grandparents and B and G can agree on the type and size of venues, all budget issues most guests, but the issue of how to cut a list to a manageable size less than that where everyone can bring a SO is a real issue.Do you invite someone your friend has dated for 3 months and cut grandmother? Or your dad's business partner or 20 years who is your Godfather.Most people I know who have planned weddings - lots -, and every etiquette person I have ever read say the cutting begins with people you may not see much any more, distant cousins and such. But if none are on the list and the list cannot include all single guests with a SO, those established (over time, not new) and longstanding relationships usually are the ones you keep for Guest's with dates, and some guests in shorter term relationships, however important they may be to the person and the SO themselves, may not get the extra invitation. Tough choices be really necessary, often.

lovegood90 · December 2014

Sorry, but the above is awful advice. We have stated over and over again why determining the seriousness of your friends' relationships for them is rude.

WhatawagSBNy · December 2014

danamw said:
I worked with 2 girls, who started dating guys, who had invitations to weddings already RSVP'd yes, when they met. Both these girls did not attend the weddings as SO's, because they were only just dating the guys, and who knew they would wind up marrying them? Or even dating past 6 weeks time?
Neither of these girls were traumatized, neither suffered the effects of horrifying etiquette failures, or the agony of being without the new guy they were dating, for one day. .

Every single person who feels like a strong independent person should be able to get through a social occasion on their own, and be good natured about the fact that sometimes the most caring of hosts must make tough decisions.

WhatawagSBNy · December 2014

lovegood90 said:
Sorry, but the above is awful advice. We have stated over and over again why determining the seriousness of your friends' relationships for them is rude.

These etiquette mavens (Carley Ronan being cofounder of the knot) are not saying anyone's relationship is not important to them, nor am I making any judgement about the seriousness of anyone's relationship.

Etiquette rules are simply guidelines to the usual solutions found for social problems within a group or society. At weddings, reserving space for very close family and friends often takes precedence over any other considerations.

What if a guest gets an SO after invitations were sent out?

Re: What if a guest gets an SO after invitations were sent out?

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