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Wedding Etiquette Forum
dcbride86
member
What if a guest gets an SO after invitations were sent out?
We ordered our invitations this week, so I'm looking back over my invitation list. I'm not giving plus one's, but I obviously am inviting all SOs. So my question is - what if a guest is single when the invitations go out, but starts dating someone soon after. Is their SO invited? Obviously I want to properly host every guest and their SO, but I'm worried that my guest list will be full and then a few guests will suddenly start dating people, but my guest list will be full because it had already been set.
So, I'm basically wondering if I need to reserve a few extra spots on our guest list in case this happens. Thanks!!
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Re: What if a guest gets an SO after invitations were sent out?
If you are sending out your invites 6-8 weeks in advance & someone is truely single when the invites go out, I think you are in the clear. I think you go by the status the person is at the time the invites go out (assuming you didn't send out the invites extra early) you can stick to that.
I know personally that if I just started dating someone (in the past since I'm married now) that if we were dating just a few weeks and I had received an invitation to a wedding with no plus one prior to me starting to date this person, I wouldn't expect you to change your guest list to accomodate me. Because weddings are expensive & people invite as many people as they can afford. If you could allow me a +1, the invite would have said +1. And if the new guy can't handle not being included to a wedding that I was invited to before I started dating him, there are other issues at hand.
But this only applies if they were not in a relationship when the invitations go out. If they were, both SOs must be invited at that time.
Thank you!! I know I still have awhile before I need to send the invitations, but if I did need to accommodate any last-minute SOs, I just wanted to make sure I had lots of extra space on my guest list.
I'll make sure to have at least a couple extra spots on the guest list just in case, but won't worry about having an extra spot for every single person just in case. Thanks so much for your help!
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Same here... I wouldn't have left empty spots in my guest list just for this purpose. But if one of my guests got into a relationship after invites went out, I'd judge at that time if there was space to invite them to bring the new SO. If I had other declines, I'd call the friend/guest and let them know they were welcome to bring the new SO. If I was expecting 100% attendance and didn't have space, I'd just leave it as originally invited without the +1.
Basically it's B-listing, but it's B-listing someone who didn't even exist in your mind/life at the time you sent out invites. I doubt they would be upset that they weren't included in the original invite if they didn't exist in that circle when invites went out. This is probably the only time "b-listing" would be considered acceptable. Now, if you knew about the relationship when invites went out, that's a different story, but it sounds like that isn't what you intend to do.
*my only single guest(s) were DH's divorced parents who brought each other. ;P
But I think PPs have you covered.
@jennycolada - I have sooo many single friends, and my parents put a pretty tight cap on our invite list (they're paying - and I'm SO thankful, but it is slightly annoying that only they could go over their allowed numbers of invites - decided by them in the first place)
Thanks so much everyone for the advice! Like I said, I know I still have awhile to think about it, but I was going back over my invite list and realized I only have so much wiggle room. There are some people I could bump off (which is why I did NOT send them STDs), but I'd certainly rather not. I'll reserve a couple spots for just in case, and just go from there.
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I worked with 2 girls, who started dating guys, who had invitations to weddings already RSVP'd yes, when they met. Both these girls did not attend the weddings as SO's, because they were only just dating the guys, and who knew they would wind up marrying them? Or even dating past 6 weeks time?
Neither of these girls were traumatized, neither suffered the effects of horrifying etiquette failures, or the agony of being without the new guy they were dating, for one day. One was New Year's Eve, too! It was all understood, these invitations were in place before they started dating.
Aside from all that, what is the definition of SO? It must mean different things to different people. In my dating days, if I had referred to some guy as my SO after dating for a month, he would have run screaming.
Formerly martha1818
"If we walked into a crowd of people that I knew and you didn't, would you want me to introduce you as my boyfriend?" "Yes."
Done. Third date.
For purposes of determining the guest list, the etiquette issue is what rules do you use to determine which single guests may bring their significant others.
I considered my now hubby significant and likely permanent within 2 weeks. Many other people do too. Most etiquette folks like Miss Manners talk about SO of longstanding, or established couples meaning that they have been together over a longer period of time.
Ask Carley on this site Under Guest Q and A:
Q&A: Guest List: Let Single Wedding Guests Bring a Date?
Q.
My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding and we are on a tight budget. We would like to invite as many people as possible, which makes it tough to invite singles with guests. Is it acceptable to invite single family and friends but not include "and guest" on their invitations? My fiance says we have to allow wedding guests to bring a date out of courtesy. I just don't want to eliminate people just because we're obligated to let them bring a guest that we can't afford. What should we do?
A.
This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis. If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off your wedding guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding!
Or Martha Stewart http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser
If your relatives or friends are engaged to be married, their fiances (or fiancees) must be invited; their live-in romantic partners must be as well. However, if they are only dating, you need not invite their boyfriend or girlfriend. Should you decide to include some dates and not others, draw your cut-off line at a clearly identifiable place and communicate it to everyone who is not allowed to invite someone to accompany them.Beware, many unmarried people find it tremendously upsetting to not be allowed to bring a date. Prepare them for the idea and pay careful attention to where the singletons sit during dinner.As for your attendants -- letting them bring an escort would be a considerate gesture. It's not required, but they've done a lot for you.The issue is no problem when only one or 2 people are involved - invite them.But sometimes there are 10 or 20 people on your list where SO and Dates are an issue. And inviting all means up to 2000 or more for meals and drinks, or having to choose a new venue with enough seats, which may cost way more, Or a different church or chapel with enough seating.If all of the hosts, usually some combination of parents or grandparents and B and G can agree on the type and size of venues, all budget issues most guests, but the issue of how to cut a list to a manageable size less than that where everyone can bring a SO is a real issue.Do you invite someone your friend has dated for 3 months and cut grandmother? Or your dad's business partner or 20 years who is your Godfather.Most people I know who have planned weddings - lots -, and every etiquette person I have ever read say the cutting begins with people you may not see much any more, distant cousins and such. But if none are on the list and the list cannot include all single guests with a SO, those established (over time, not new) and longstanding relationships usually are the ones you keep for Guest's with dates, and some guests in shorter term relationships, however important they may be to the person and the SO themselves, may not get the extra invitation. Tough choices be really necessary, often.
Formerly martha1818
Etiquette rules are simply guidelines to the usual solutions found for social problems within a group or society. At weddings, reserving space for very close family and friends often takes precedence over any other considerations.