Friend was no-show to my wedding but expects me to attend his

MGP · December 2014

Anyone who no shows to a wedding owes the host an apology and an explanation. Even if "I was sick" really meant "explosive diarrhea" that will suffice. It is when the no show acts like nothing happened things get very awkward and frustrating. My husband's boss did that to us and it significantly affected their working relationship.

If someone really doesn't want to go the more polite thing to do is just decline. That is where no explanation is needed. For some reason some people think no showing is a kinder thing to do. Personally I don't get it.

KatWAG · December 2014

MGP said:

Anyone who no shows to a wedding owes the host an apology and an explanation. Even if "I was sick" really meant "explosive diarrhea" that will suffice. It is when the no show acts like nothing happened things get very awkward and frustrating. My husband's boss did that to us and it significantly affected their working relationship. If someone really doesn't want to go the more polite thing to do is just decline. That is where no explanation is needed. For some reason some people think no showing is a kinder thing to do. Personally I don't get it.

@MGP an apology, maybe. But an explanation, absolutely not. No adult needs to explain how they spend their time. Some times emergencies happen and there isnt time to decline.

If my H was having an anxiety attack hours before a wedding, that is personal, and I would not be giving any sort of explanation. Or if my family had some sort of financial emergency and could no longer attend at the last minute, that is also peronal. And I would not give an explanation.

You think acting like nothing happened is awkward. How awkward would it be to try to explain to someone that you literally couldnt afford to go?

climbingsingle · December 2014

I had a friend do this to me. He RSVP'd to the wedding, and come the day of, he didn't show. He sent me a FB message the next day, saying, "Hey, everyone is posting lots of pics from your wedding."

That's it. No explanation. No apology. When I didn't respond and he finally realized that I was upset, he then said he was sorry and gave me some BS excuse. I'm really (still) hurt by how he acted.

Anyway, regardless of my feelings, I would never turn around and do the same to him or anyone. If I RSVP to an event, I will be there. Like PPs said, two wrongs don't make a right. Be the bigger person here.

badbnagdway · December 2014

KatWAG said:

MGP said:

Anyone who no shows to a wedding owes the host an apology and an explanation. Even if "I was sick" really meant "explosive diarrhea" that will suffice. It is when the no show acts like nothing happened things get very awkward and frustrating. My husband's boss did that to us and it significantly affected their working relationship. If someone really doesn't want to go the more polite thing to do is just decline. That is where no explanation is needed. For some reason some people think no showing is a kinder thing to do. Personally I don't get it.

@MGP an apology, maybe. But an explanation, absolutely not. No adult needs to explain how they spend their time. Some times emergencies happen and there isnt time to decline.

If my H was having an anxiety attack hours before a wedding, that is personal, and I would not be giving any sort of explanation. Or if my family had some sort of financial emergency and could no longer attend at the last minute, that is also peronal. And I would not give an explanation.

You think acting like nothing happened is awkward. How awkward would it be to try to explain to someone that you literally couldnt afford to go?

So, you would RSVP and not go and never say anything about it to the host? As MGP noted you don't have to say something specific if you don't feel comfortable doing so, but whatever it is that comes up after you RSVP, you can always say, "I'm really sorry we can't/couldn't make it. Something came up at the last minute that we had to attend to. Tell me all about the wedding!" Or something along those lines. And if something financial comes up after you RSVP and before the wedding you can at least do someone the favor of telling them beforehand so they aren't paying for the dinner you aren't eating, or looking for you all night wondering what happened to you. If a good friend said they'd attend my wedding and didn't I'd really worry about them until I knew they were ok.

OP, I would go to this friend's wedding. I would try to casually mention that you missed them at your wedding. You never know what happened, there are a million reasons they could have been unable to come but I suspect you'd be feeling better with an apology/explanation of some kind.

JellyBean52513 · December 2014

I'm in the camp that people who no-show to a wedding, or an otherwise comparably formal event, deserve to give at least an apology. If I invite you to my wedding, it's because I truly want you there. If you RSVP that you're coming and you never show up and I never hear from you as to why, I'm going to at least want to know that you're ok. I would never demand intimate details, a simple "I'm so sorry we missed your wedding and didn't call/text/let you know, something came up last minute and we couldn't make it" is good enough. Acknowledgement that you ditched someone at the last minute knowing damn well they accounted for--and paid for--your attendance is a courtesy which should be extended.

MGP · December 2014

badbnagdway said:

KatWAG said:

MGP said:

Anyone who no shows to a wedding owes the host an apology and an explanation. Even if "I was sick" really meant "explosive diarrhea" that will suffice. It is when the no show acts like nothing happened things get very awkward and frustrating. My husband's boss did that to us and it significantly affected their working relationship. If someone really doesn't want to go the more polite thing to do is just decline. That is where no explanation is needed. For some reason some people think no showing is a kinder thing to do. Personally I don't get it.

@MGP an apology, maybe. But an explanation, absolutely not. No adult needs to explain how they spend their time. Some times emergencies happen and there isnt time to decline.

If my H was having an anxiety attack hours before a wedding, that is personal, and I would not be giving any sort of explanation. Or if my family had some sort of financial emergency and could no longer attend at the last minute, that is also peronal. And I would not give an explanation.

You think acting like nothing happened is awkward. How awkward would it be to try to explain to someone that you literally couldnt afford to go?

So, you would RSVP and not go and never say anything about it to the host? As MGP noted you don't have to say something specific if you don't feel comfortable doing so, but whatever it is that comes up after you RSVP, you can always say, "I'm really sorry we can't/couldn't make it. Something came up at the last minute that we had to attend to. Tell me all about the wedding!" Or something along those lines. And if something financial comes up after you RSVP and before the wedding you can at least do someone the favor of telling them beforehand so they aren't paying for the dinner you aren't eating, or looking for you all night wondering what happened to you. If a good friend said they'd attend my wedding and didn't I'd really worry about them until I knew they were ok.

OP, I would go to this friend's wedding. I would try to casually mention that you missed them at your wedding. You never know what happened, there are a million reasons they could have been unable to come but I suspect you'd be feeling better with an apology/explanation of some kind.

A TMI explanation? No. A quick explanation such as "medical" or "personal"? Yes. That's called common courtesy. If someone has RSVP'd to attend and they cannot make it then yes I expect an apology and a (quick) explanation. I would respect them for being forthcoming and would not hold it against them. Otherwise I have no choice to conclude they just didn't want to be there and didn't have the balls to decline in the first place and that would most definitely affect our relationship going forward.

Personally I have not maintained relationships with some people who told me they would attend something that I invited them to and then no showed with no apology, no explanation, and acted like nothing happened and nothing was wrong. That is extremely disrespectful, not how I treat people, and was not interested in giving them another chance. Feel free to disagree with me if you want.

badbnagdway · December 2014

MGP said:

badbnagdway said:

KatWAG said:

MGP said:

Anyone who no shows to a wedding owes the host an apology and an explanation. Even if "I was sick" really meant "explosive diarrhea" that will suffice. It is when the no show acts like nothing happened things get very awkward and frustrating. My husband's boss did that to us and it significantly affected their working relationship. If someone really doesn't want to go the more polite thing to do is just decline. That is where no explanation is needed. For some reason some people think no showing is a kinder thing to do. Personally I don't get it.

@MGP an apology, maybe. But an explanation, absolutely not. No adult needs to explain how they spend their time. Some times emergencies happen and there isnt time to decline.

If my H was having an anxiety attack hours before a wedding, that is personal, and I would not be giving any sort of explanation. Or if my family had some sort of financial emergency and could no longer attend at the last minute, that is also peronal. And I would not give an explanation.

You think acting like nothing happened is awkward. How awkward would it be to try to explain to someone that you literally couldnt afford to go?

So, you would RSVP and not go and never say anything about it to the host? As MGP noted you don't have to say something specific if you don't feel comfortable doing so, but whatever it is that comes up after you RSVP, you can always say, "I'm really sorry we can't/couldn't make it. Something came up at the last minute that we had to attend to. Tell me all about the wedding!" Or something along those lines. And if something financial comes up after you RSVP and before the wedding you can at least do someone the favor of telling them beforehand so they aren't paying for the dinner you aren't eating, or looking for you all night wondering what happened to you. If a good friend said they'd attend my wedding and didn't I'd really worry about them until I knew they were ok.

OP, I would go to this friend's wedding. I would try to casually mention that you missed them at your wedding. You never know what happened, there are a million reasons they could have been unable to come but I suspect you'd be feeling better with an apology/explanation of some kind.

A TMI explanation? No. A quick explanation such as "medical" or "personal"? Yes. That's called common courtesy. If someone has RSVP'd to attend and they cannot make it then yes I expect an apology and a (quick) explanation. I would respect them for being forthcoming and would not hold it against them. Otherwise I have no choice to conclude they just didn't want to be there and didn't have the balls to decline in the first place and that would most definitely affect our relationship going forward.

Personally I have not maintained relationships with some people who told me they would attend something that I invited them to and then no showed with no apology, no explanation, and acted like nothing happened and nothing was wrong. That is extremely disrespectful, not how I treat people, and was not interested in giving them another chance. Feel free to disagree with me if you want.

I agree. Does not have to be a detailed explanation. I'm sure reactions to the no-show would be across the board, and I don't know whether I would totally cut someone off who did this and didn't explain, but I certainly understand where you are coming from to do so. I dislike extreme flakiness. It is actually a characteristic many of my female friends seem to possess, they agree to stuff and then at the very last second say they can't do something, usually because they don't feel like it after all. It annoys me but obviously it would be much worse if they just didn't show and didn't explain at all.

lovegood90 · December 2014

Hey OP, did you end up going to the wedding this weekend? Just curious!

kerbohl · December 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

I'm in the camp that people who no-show to a wedding, or an otherwise comparably formal event, deserve to give at least an apology. If I invite you to my wedding, it's because I truly want you there. If you RSVP that you're coming and you never show up and I never hear from you as to why, I'm going to at least want to know that you're ok. I would never demand intimate details, a simple "I'm so sorry we missed your wedding and didn't call/text/let you know, something came up last minute and we couldn't make it" is good enough. Acknowledgement that you ditched someone at the last minute knowing damn well they accounted for--and paid for--your attendance is a courtesy which should be extended.

I second this. If I didn't hear from a no-show, I would be very worried. Fortunately I heard from everyone who didn't show up, and it was because of a snowstorm the day of my wedding and they couldn't come. If they hadn't have told me, I would have worried that something was wrong. An apology or brief explanation sets the mind at ease, at the very least.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

Go & have fun & wish your friend well. You can always go "It's so great to see you today, we missed you at our wedding." Who knows, maybe at that time you'll finally get an explanation. Maybe one of them feel ill or a family member in the hospital and they didn't want to bother you on your wedding day and by time you got back from your honeymoon they forget to contact you.

Friend was no-show to my wedding but expects me to attend his

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