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Feeling Conflicted
I'm not sure what to do or how to feel about this.
My grandpa has been near death for several weeks now. His second wife, with whom he has been for 20 years (they met shortly after my grandma died), is not exactly the most congenial person. She can be downright nasty at times. My grandpa has had dementia for years, and she gets really frustrated with him and yells at him when he obviously doesn't know what's going on. She's been his primary caregiver for as long as he's had dementia (probably about 10 years now), and it's clear that the stress is too much for her at times. She's not always like that, though. She can be quite caring with him at times. She was crying by his bedside and was clearly really upset about losing him when I visited on the weekend.
My grandpa has been in the hospital for over a week now, and we've all been visiting with him. My step-grandma goes in every day to see him. Yesterday, my aunt happened to be there at the same time as my step-grandma and she witnessed some pretty awful behaviour. My step-grandma was getting really rough with my grandpa (he's on narcotics, he's confused, he's weak, and he sleeps most of the time). At one point she actually ripped the blankets off my grandpa for no reason, and he asked her to stop.
Then my aunt phoned my step-grandma later in the day just to check in. She asked if my grandpa had eaten supper and my step-grandma snapped at her to stop asking questions. She then said she didn't care anymore. This isn't the first time her behaviour has caused a rift in the family. When my aunt told my mom about everything that happened yesterday, that was it. She was understandably furious. I'm furious.
The thing is, I've gotten closer to her in the last few months. I know she appreciates when I visit with her. I don't hate her, and I think a lot of her meanness can be attributed to stress. That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it does explain some of it.
I can't imagine my mom or her siblings having anything to do with my step-grandma once my grandpa passes. I'm afraid I'll be asked to make that choice too. I feel sorry for her - she's lonely, stressed and exhausted. I'm extremely angry with her for how she's acted, but I don't know if I'm prepared to cut her off. I'm going to feel bad no matter what I choose to do.
I guess what I'm asking is, is it normal to feel conflicted in a situation like this? I feel like a bad granddaughter for still having compassion for her. How would you feel in this situation?
TL;DR: My grandpa is dying and my step-grandma can be quite mean at times. Should I cut ties with her once he passes?
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Re: Feeling Conflicted
It's completely up to you and how you feel about her whether you want to stay in contact after the inevitable. that being said, my Grandpa had a pretty nasty 2nd wife who wouldn't let us talk to him, then he died unexpectedly. She didn't want anything to do with us after he died.
I'm the fuck out.
You sound like you've already made up your mind about who your step-grandmother is. A nice caring woman who is under an enormous amount of stress. I would stay in contact with her afterwards. You're an adult, and you can choose your relationships without peer pressure.
So sorry for what you're family is going through. That is really tough!
My Nona was terribly mean to my Nono when he was going through chemo with dementia. But she was mean to him because she is a genuinely mean person, not because she was momentarily stressed. She would belittle him, ask him to do things he could no longer do mentally or physically, and more. I've since cut her out of my life, but that was my choice, and I don't fault other members of my family for keeping in contact with her. I feel terrible for my aunt who lives in a constant cycle of guilt tripping. Any decision to keep or cut off contact should be yours to make alone.
*Hugs* to you as you go through this difficult time.
I think it is remarkable that you can even have this mix of emotions, as opposed to just feeling angry at her for her lashing out. It sounds like she needs some help, for her sake and for the sake of your grandfather. I think you should choose to remain in contact with her and support her after your grandfather passes. If your family asks, tell them that she is a human with her own failings, and you can see the good in her in addition to the more negative lashing out.
Tearing off a patient's blanket , sheet and pajama top and throwing it on the floor. Standing and glaring at the nurse or other family.
When asked later after calming down, Why?
My wife took care of people all her life. The children in her ( day care) room, our children till they left home, her mother and my mother. And now no one takes care of her. She had breakfast eggs on her when I came in this morning, and the nurse promised. When I get a chance. It is after dinner. And on and on-- spilled urine stinking up the blanket, still wet with it. Poop on the sheet. Well, no aide or housekeeper is going to put them back now they are on the floor.
A wife taking hubby 's food plate and turning it upside down in the trash, then throwing away the plate and silverware. Why? Hubby won' t eat. Says with no salt and no fat and tea he hates instead of coffee, and Jello he hates every meal, he won't eat.
And tracking it down it turns out for days the patient called the dietician who said, she cancelled the roast beef sandwich with mayo he ordered because he has high cholesterol..... Dr. Says, no restrictions.
Dietitian says, she is required to do her professional best to promote good health. Dr. says, his brain tumor is already a death sentence. Give him anything he wants. Order Chinese food delivered , if he wants it.
Four days later, control freak dietitian calls hospital administration because a family member trashed a patient's meal,the 3rd time she has heard it from her staff. Dietitian wants the woman banned at meal time so the patient can eat. Social Worker is called.
And finally the hospital gives hubby carte blanche. Any food he wants he gets.
An adult tantrum looks mean and maybe demented. Sometimes it works.
But maybe step grandmother is just frustrated for lots of reasons. And angry that grandfather is abandoning her. And he is the only person she has always had for 20 years. Who will take care of her?