If your spouse or significant other asked you what changes to make you happier, you would....

taralee1983 · December 2014

If your spouse or significant other asked you what changes he could make to make you happier or help the relationship, you would.....

lyndausvi · December 2014

I would change the "he" to "they" to make it more inclusive. We have some same-sex relationships on here.

Anyway, I believe in being honest. I also believe that if you ask a question you better be prepared for the answer. So if my DH asked me the question and there is something that really bothers me then I'm going to answer honestly. How I answer depends on the what.

For example, DH doesn't smoke, however if he did I and HE asked what changes he could make I might say something like 'I would prefer you didn't smoke, but this is something you need to do for your own health and not just for me."

So in the example above it really both answers.

Now say my gripe was he is spending too much time out and not at home helping with say cleaning. Well yes I'm going to tell him flat out. To me at least that type of change isn't something one does for themselves. It's something that makes the family unit work better or more fair or whatever. I should not have to take on more work until DH decides to change his way for himself.

So basically it's a case-by-case basis on what the change might be on whether I think he needs to do that on for himself.

Sugargirl1019 · December 2014

Asking your partner how you can love them better (aka making a change) is recommended for having a successful, happy, long marriage.

I feel like the second option is a bit passive aggressive, like "you figure out what I need by realizing what YOU need to do for yourself to make me happy". That was confusing. It's all confusing - that statement does not directly answer the original question and is not helpful.

If your spouse asked you what you want for Christmas, would you reply with "I've been really wanting a pair of boots for the winter.." Or would you reply "oh honey whatever you think I need for Christmas". It puts stress and awkwardness on the question asker. Dammit just tell me straight what you want, don't play games and beat around the bush.

kat1114 · December 2014

I would think...

LabLove86 · December 2014

It really depends on what the issue at hand is.

I voted for the first because I took it as "You need to help more around the house." or "Do things when I ask you to . . ."

But if I knew that my parter was unhappy because he was overweight (I just use this because we are both overweight - and are working on changing our lifestyle for the healthier. . . .) then I know it is something that he must want to change himself in order for the change to be successful.

Sugargirl1019 · December 2014

LabLove86 said:
It really depends on what the issue at hand is.

I voted for the first because I took it as "You need to help more around the house." or "Do things when I ask you to . . ."

But if I knew that my parter was unhappy because he was overweight (I just use this because we are both overweight - and are working on changing our lifestyle for the healthier. . . .) then I know it is something that he must want to change himself in order for the change to be successful.

I totally see what you're saying. But if partner is upset with themself, they should not be asking "what can I do to make YOU happier". Now if partner asked "should I lose weight?" the correct response would be "only if you want to do it for your health and happiness!" And if you really agree they should, "I'd really like to work out with you. Let's go together tomorrow."

LabLove86 · December 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

show previous quotes
It really depends on what the issue at hand is.

I voted for the first because I took it as "You need to help more around the house." or "Do things when I ask you to . . ."

But if I knew that my parter was unhappy because he was overweight (I just use this because we are both overweight - and are working on changing our lifestyle for the healthier. . . .) then I know it is something that he must want to change himself in order for the change to be successful.
I totally see what you're saying. But if partner is upset with themself, they should not be asking "what can I do to make YOU happier". Now if partner asked "should I lose weight?" the correct response would be "only if you want to do it for your health and happiness!" And if you really agree they should, "I'd really like to work out with you. Let's go together tomorrow."

I feel ya - anything they would ask about what they would have to do to make ME happier - I would be straight forward. Most of those things would be along the lines of "help more".

I agree with your statement about the weight though - its the same as smoking, or any other behavior that needs a lifestyle change in order to happen successfully - you need to want to do it for yourself.

phira · December 2014

I also recommend changing your pronouns to be more inclusive.

If my husband asked me, I'd tell him, "You could take better care of your body so you don't die at the age of 45 from something totally preventable."

theartistformerlyknownas · December 2014

I think we need the back story prompting this question.

larrygaga · December 2014

Don't ask a question you don't want the answer to.

taralee1983 · December 2014

My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

ashley8918 · December 2014

taralee1983 said:

My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

Uh, yeah, so. More information required, because, WTF?

What is the story here? Have you guys been having issues? And you asked him this? What exactly is it that he wants you to change? I am so confused.

lyndausvi · December 2014

taralee1983 said:

My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

He is a saying "change for yourself, but if you don't change I'm leaving?"

That makes no sense.

But yeah, Inquiring minds want to know? What does he want you to change, not for him but for yourself of course?

bethsmiles · December 2014

taralee1983 said:

My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

WTF?

LabLove86 · December 2014

taralee1983 said:

My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

another vote for more information. . . . .

What do you have to do for yourself? What would you have to change? Do you feel like you guys are having issues/what kind of issues?? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Age??

{Full discloser - last 3 questions is pure curiosity}

Sugargirl1019 · December 2014

taralee1983 said:
My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

Oh dear. I'm sorry dear. This doesn't sound like it will end well. Because you are going to try to change to please him and make him stay, but that might make you unhappy or changing might be extremely difficult! He needs to love you for who you are, and if not, you need to find someone who loves you and supports you as you are.

So, you asked him what do I need to do to make you happier in our relationship? And he responded you need to change xx for yourself on your own, but if you don't change I will leave you. O.o sounds like he's making you change for him.

Anyway you can be more specific as to what might need changing?

ilovecake84 · December 2014

Based on the questions you posted on the nest and on this one, I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation on how both of you want this relationship to work.

AddieCake · December 2014

taralee1983 said:

My fiancé told me to do things for myself and not him. He's also threatening to leave me if I don't change.

WTF? Change what, exactly?

ashley8918 · December 2014

Wait. Is your husband insisting that you change your attitude about the fact that he needs to immediately drop all of his opposite sex friends? Because I would insist that you change that too.

Sugargirl1019 · December 2014

ashley8918 said:
Wait. Is your husband insisting that you change your attitude about the fact that he needs to immediately drop all of his opposite sex friends? Because I would insist that you change that too.

Was this on the nest post?

AddieCake · December 2014

ashley8918 said:

Wait. Is your husband insisting that you change your attitude about the fact that he needs to immediately drop all of his opposite sex friends? Because I would insist that you change that too.

Yeah, I would insist that, too.

ashley8918 · December 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

show previous quotes
Wait. Is your husband insisting that you change your attitude about the fact that he needs to immediately drop all of his opposite sex friends? Because I would insist that you change that too.
Was this on the nest post?

Yep. And I beleive something was posted here too. Something about texting same sex friends?

ashley8918 · December 2014

OP- I'm confused. On The Nest, you say that you are already married and your husband still texts/sees opposite sex friends, and you want him to stop.

Here, you call him your FI and say that you are worried that HE will make YOU stop texting opposite sex friends.

So, which is it?

AddieCake · December 2014

She assumed you had to give up all friends, especially opposite sex ones, when you get married.

Sugargirl1019 · December 2014

ashley8918 said:
show previous quotes

Sugargirl1019 said:

ashley8918 said:
Wait. Is your husband insisting that you change your attitude about the fact that he needs to immediately drop all of his opposite sex friends? Because I would insist that you change that too.
Was this on the nest post?

Yep. And I beleive something was posted here too. Something about texting same sex friends?

Oook. Just trying to get the facts straight, OP. Not calling you out.

If what has been said is true, that you are of the mindset to not let your FI text or be friends with girls, then it comes down to trust issues. If you are worried that he is being unfaithful, then you leave him because NOTHING will ever make you feel better (probably not even complying with your wishes). You need to be secure enough in yourself and your relationship that you trust his fidelity, and he needs to behave in ways that make you trust him. You both need to agree with those behaviors. Prohibiting friendship or conversation with the other sex is not one way to fix it.

ETA: after reading previous posts, I feel way off now. But it applies both ways. You do not have to stop being friends with guys either.

theartistformerlyknownas · December 2014

If any relationship gets to the point of issuing ultimatums, you've probably already gone too far.

climbingsingle · December 2014

lolo883 said:
If any relationship gets to the point of issuing ultimatums, you've probably already gone too far.

This. What is he saying you need to change?

chibiyui · December 2014

Not even touching the Nest stuff, from what you have posted here, Let the motherfucker leave. Seriously, he doesn't want you texting friends of the opposite sex, you're worried/concerned that marriage will practically end all your friendships. Dump the Mother Fucker.

Can you post ONE THING that he does that isn't douchebagtastic?

SBmini · December 2014

It sounds like you really need to be talking to a therapist, not to us. But here's how I see it- if you haven't gotten married yet- never marry someone based on the person you want them to be. Marry them based on the person they are now. Because you never know if they will in fact change. If your FI/DH is making change an ultimatum to you two being together, then that's a serious issue- especially if it is around insecurities of opposite sex friends. That is a clear sign of a lack of trust. And trust is the number one thing you need for a relationship to work.

But to answer your original question- my husband knows what I would like for him to change, and I know what what he'd like me to change. We both work on making ourselves better people, for ourselves, and for each other. But there is no ultimatum tied to it.

AddieCake · December 2014

Neither of you are ready to get married.

lovedryn · December 2014

AddieCake said:
Neither of you are ready to get married.

This.

A huge point in marriage is that you accept each other as you are, not how you want them to change to be. And honestly neither of you should be forced to not associate with members of the opposite sex. Sure there may understandably be some boundaries there that the two of you should work out and agree upon.

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