Is sexting without your partner's knowledge or consent cheating?

melbenso · December 2014

Assuming the sexter had no intention of deceiving his or her partner, didn't think that the partner would be bothered by it, and never asked if it was ok, in your opinion is sexting cheating?

ETA additional information also contained in comment below. And to fix some terrible spelling.

My friend (the sexter) seems to think it isn't because she and her BF are in an open relationship, to some extent. They occasionally have sex or fool around with other people and are both ok with it. But the rules of their relationship include that they have to get the ok from each other before engaging in sexual activity with anyone else. She seems to think that since there is no physical contact, it's not a sexual activity. I disagree and think she needs to talk to her BF about it to make sure he is ok with it.

luckya23 · December 2014

Most definitely... It's hardly an accident.

I can't imagine thinking "Ah well, he probably wouldn't mind."

mikenberger · December 2014

Sexting is a deliberate exchange of sexual messages. No different than emails, phone calls or messages on another venue. if its something that you wouldn't do with your partner sitting right over your shoulder, reading your every message, then yes. Its cheating. You're being deceptive.

And to think that your partner wouldn't mind, unless you're in a mutually open relationship(with established boundaries for the partners), is ignorant.

mrscaty · December 2014

I feel like I need more information. I did vote "yes" though.

OliveOilsMom · December 2014

Very much so. You are supposed to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. How can you do that if you are sexting someone else?

beethery · December 2014

If he was telling some broad about how he wanted to fuck her, then yes. Cheateriffic.

melbenso · December 2014

That was my reaction too. My friend (the sexter) seems to think it isn't because she and her BF are in an open relationship, to some extent. They occasionally have sex or fool around with other people and are both ok with it. But the rules of their relationship include that they have to get the ok from each other before engaging in sexual activity with anyone else. She seems to think that since there is no physical contact, it's not a sexual activity. I disagree and think she needs to talk to her BF about it to make sure he is ok with it.

novella1186 · December 2014

If my FI was sexting some girl behind my back, I would definitely feel betrayed and it would really hurt my trust in him. I would also have to wonder how far he was willing to go with this girl, even if he claimed it was "just texting" and that was it.

Since I would feel that way, I'd also expect him to feel that way, and I would feel like I was betraying him by exchanging texts like that with some other dude. So in my book it's off limits. I voted yes. Cheating.

mrscaty · December 2014

melbenso said:

That was my reaction too. My friend (the sexter) seems to think it isn't because she and her BF are in an open relationship, to some extent. They occasionally have sex or fool around with other people and are both ok with it. But the rules of their relationship include that they have to get the ok from each other before engaging in sexual activity with anyone else. She seems to think that since there is no physical contact, it's not a sexual activity. I disagree and think she needs to talk to her BF about it to make sure he is ok with it.

I'd like to change my vote. Since they are in an open(ish) relationship, I'd say that she probably knows her bf best in this situation. My guess is that if and when she wants to meet up with this third person, she'll approach her bf and say "hey, I've been talking to someone and I want to take it a step further but I want you to know." That's ok in my book.

beethery · December 2014

melbenso said:

That was my reaction too. My friend (the sexter) seems to think it isn't because she and her BF are in an open relationship, to some extent. They occasionally have sex or fool around with other people and are both ok with it. But the rules of their relationship include that they have to get the ok from each other before engaging in sexual activity with anyone else. She seems to think that since there is no physical contact, it's not a sexual activity. I disagree and think she needs to talk to her BF about it to make sure he is ok with it.

That definitely complicates the situation. If they're in that kind of relationship, there should be no issue saying, "Hey, I'm working on getting it in with ____. Is that alright? We've been texting, and I wanted to run it by you before it went any further."

Cookie Pusher · December 2014

Relationships, open or otherwise, are based on honesty and trust. If you purposely hide something from your SO, even if it's something that they'd probably be okay with if you told them, it's dishonest. You can't trust someone who isn't honest with you.

firebabe6519 · December 2014

If its an open relationship, then why hide the fact? Hiding this from one's partner is malicious and is most certainly cheating in my book.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

I want to change my vote too. You should have included that open relationship information.

steph861 · December 2014

I think they need to clarify their relationship rules to account for things like sexting. I've never been in an open relationship, but everything I've read or heard has said clear rules and boundaries are absolutely key.

STARMOON44 · December 2014

An "open" relationship where you secretly engage in sexual activities? Yeah that sounds like an awesome plan. Open relationships, in my experience, only work with lots of communication.

levioosa · December 2014

melbenso said:
That was my reaction too. My friend (the sexter) seems to think it isn't because she and her BF are in an open relationship, to some extent. They occasionally have sex or fool around with other people and are both ok with it. But the rules of their relationship include that they have to get the ok from each other before engaging in sexual activity with anyone else. She seems to think that since there is no physical contact, it's not a sexual activity. I disagree and think she needs to talk to her BF about it to make sure he is ok with it.

Yeah, but the whole point is that even though they're in an open-ish relationship, they need the okay from each other. She didn't get the okay, so I think it more than qualifies as cheating. Sexting is kind of "sexual activity" by it's very nature. Hell, "sex" is part of it's name. She knows it's wrong. She's just trying to justify it.

jenajjthr · December 2014

It's still cheating if she is hiding it from her BF. So not changing my vote. Cheating doesn't have to be physical. Anything that you do that you are hiding from your partner I would consider cheating, open relationship or not.

beethery · December 2014

Secret dick on the side (or words about aforementioned secret dick) = cheating.

AddieCake · December 2014

Hell yes that's cheating.

esstee33 · December 2014

Open relationship or not, she's hiding it. That's not ok.

mikenberger · December 2014

esstee33 said:
Open relationship or not, she's hiding it. That's not ok.

This. She knows what she's doing is wrong. Any relationship, open or closed, is based on trust and honesty.

WinstonsGirl · December 2014

I say cheating, but if their boundaries state that talk doesn't equal cheating, only hidden physical contact, then it's not. For me personally, it is, but I'm also not in an open relationship. It all depends on the framework of their relationship

bethsmiles · December 2014

Even in an open relationship, if the agreement is that they need their partner's okay, then it's still cheating because she's hiding it. I mean why not tell her partner if she truly believed he would be fine with it? People generally don't need to lie to or keep something hidden from their partner if it isn't wrong/damaging to the relationship.

artbyallie · December 2014

Sounds like she's breaking the rules of their arrangement. If she doesn't think it's a sexual activity, what the hell kind of activity would she classify it as? If there is 'sex' in the name, it's sex! Phone sex, text sex, whatever, is still engaging sexually with someone. If they have agreed to inform each other prior to initiating sexual contact with someone else, she's doing something wrong. And frankly, it sounds like she knows she's in the wrong. Maybe she's afraid he wouldn't okay this person or something?

smalfrie19 · December 2014

If you are hiding anything from you spouse.. that's cheating. emotional = cheating. sexting = cheating. sex= cheating.

If you would be afraid to tell them = cheating.

theartistformerlyknownas · December 2014

Yep my vote is the same. Their relationship still relies upon honest communication, the same as any other. An omission like that is still a violation of trust and still wrong.

If I asked my H what he ate for lunch and he said chicken but really had cake, it would still be a lie, even though I wasn't harmed by it. The lie is still wrong, even though he's allowed to eat whatever he wants.

behsco90 · December 2014

Yep, cheating. Unless of course you and your SO have set boundaries for your relationship and sexting with someone else is on the OK list.

I've also always believed that you should never do something that would upset you if your SO did it (i.e. dancing with someone else).

dcbride86 · December 2014

While I don't NECESSARILY think it's cheating, it is definitely out of line. If he sexted someone else, you would not be cool with it. Don't sext if you're in a relationship.

maeday2 · December 2014

The title of the post alone answers the question for me.

It's the "without consent" part that's a red flag that you (general) are in the wrong.

climbingsingle · December 2014

Even in an open relationship, she's in the wrong here. IMO, it counts as sexual activity and she needs to tell her SO about it.

sarawifenow · December 2014

This is definitely cheating. When H and I first became serious we had the "what are you ok with?" talk. We came to the mutual conclusion that if you are doing something with someone that you wouldn't do right in front of the other person then it is cheating.

Is sexting without your partner's knowledge or consent cheating?

Is sexting without your partner's knowledge or consent cheating? 129 votes

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