Invite or not invite

Re: Invite or not invite

• indianaalum member

  

  January 2015

  You never have to invite anyone you don't want to

  
  

  BUT..."he never adopted them" comment bothers me. If they were in your life, they were in your life. formal legal status should make zero difference of how you feel (good or bad) about a person and whether you invite them.

  
  

  A person should be invited/non-invited based on your relationship with them, not their "legal adoption" status

  
  

  
  

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• jacques27 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  These aren't children.  These are adults.  And whether they were adopted officially by their step-father (your uncle) is irrelevant.  My cousin's husband has a child from his first marriage.  My cousin did not adopt her.  That child is every bit a part of our family regardless of whether my cousin ever adopts her.  She will be a part of our family when she is a legal adult in a few years.  She is a cherished part of our family regardless of what legal paperwork filed with the government says.  Please don't make decisions based on paperwork.  Decisions should be made based on your personal relationships, how close you are to people and if you want them there on your wedding day, and also your budget to be able to properly host them.

  That said, it's also clear you're planning a small wedding and you don't intend to invite any of your cousins, so whether these adults were adopted or not is neither here nor there.  You're not inviting cousins.  And that's ok.  Be a grown-up who is in control of their own life and just tell your mom "I know you would like all of the cousins included, but our budget and wedding plans aren't going to allow for that.  I'm sorry that disappoints you.  Have you tried this bean dip?  It's delicious."

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  Since you're not inviting aunts, uncles, or cousins anyway, I think you're fine not inviting your uncle and his family. Tell your mother, "Mom, I'm sorry you're disappointed, but FI and I are not inviting aunts, uncles, or cousins. W'd appreciate it if you would consider the subject closed."

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• ohannabelle member

  

  January 2015

  FYI - I have gone thru the mods first and I was ok'd to post this.

  
  

  I'm still stuck on the first line. 

  What does this mean? 

  Are there members who need special permission?

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• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2015

  indianaalum said:

  You never have to invite anyone you don't want to

  
  

  BUT..."he never adopted them" comment bothers me. If they were in your life, they were in your life. formal legal status should make zero difference of how you feel (good or bad) about a person and whether you invite them.

  
  

  A person should be invited/non-invited based on your relationship with them, not their "legal adoption" status

  
  

  This. Why does it matter at all if they were adopted or not? From your post it sounds like you aren't inviting any of your cousins, so why are you asking about these 4 specifically?

  
  

  I also don't understand the first line of you post. People can post whatever they want, why would you even need to ask the mods about this?

  
  

  
  

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• jenajjthr member

  

  January 2015

  Is it because he wants to invite an aunt and 2 cousins and you don't that your mom has an issue? If he invites aunts and cousins then you have to as well?  In that case, you just let her know that your guest list is small, each of you picked from the side of family that you wanted there, then bean dip. 

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2015

  Nobody is required to post in any designated threads. If you don't want to invite your cousins, don't invite them.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  PhoneCardLady said:

  FYI - I have gone thru the mods first and I was ok'd to post this.
  
  My uncle married a woman who had four children from a previous marriage.  He NEVER adopted them, but did have two children with this woman.
  
  I now have 19 cousins just on one side of the family - single, married, separated, divorced or widowed.  This does not include the four children (who are now adults).  This doesn't include any SO's.
  
  I have no plans on inviting my cousins, but my mom thinks I should invite them , including the ones who were never adopted.  Now I know that the one who pays has a say, and at this point neither of my parents are contributing.  Funds would not allow a huge wedding anyway.
  
  At this point I want it to be the officiant (and SO),  my parents, my brother (single, no SO), my sister (divorced, no SO) and her two adult children (neither has a SO).  FI wants his mom and step dad (has been estranged from his biological father since 1979), brother and SO, his one aunt and two cousins (with SO's). I am ok with this.  
  
  I'd like opinions on this as children that are not adopted are not addressed in the Who Do I Need To Invite thread, otherwise I think eloping may be the only answer.
  

  What the hell does this mean? Why would children who are or not adopted be addressed. You never have to invite cousins to your wedding regardless of any other factors. You can invite some cousins and not others (I did). 

  
  

  Who you want to invite is your business. You only have to include SO of your primary guests. 

  
  

  I have no idea why you think their adoption status is anyway relevant to who you should invite to your wedding. I find it really offensive you would think this would matter. My dad didn't legally adopt me until I was an adult. Are you telling me I was never apart of his family until I was 20?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• misshart00 member

  

  January 2015

  I agree that this is weird, starting with having mods permission to post this? My step dad never adopted me (my bio dad is still in my life), but I still consider him my dad. Adoption status should have no bearing on who you invite to your wedding. If they were all still kids, then I think you need to invite all 6 kids or none since you don't want to split a family (as that's what they are). But they're all adults, meaning they all get considered individually on their invitation.

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• thespeshulestsnowflake member

  

  January 2015

  You sound super judgy to me in regards to whether or not your cousins were adopted, does blood relation really mean that much? Since you were not planning on inviting any of your cousins, why did you bother asking? It seems like you are just trying to make drama.
  

  

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• marie2785 member

  

  January 2015

  Agreed with most everyone else. It'd be incredibly rude and hurtful if your inviting the 2 biological children and not these ones since you're more or less telling them they're not family and you don't value your relationship with them. If you're also not inviting the bio-kids, then this isnt an issue. If your mom really wants all the cousins to attend, cost that out and tell her she can pay (if you'd be open to that option). We did that for our wedding and it worked, but we were also okay with cousins attending, we just couldnt afford it.

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• Liatris2010 mod

  

  January 2015

  PhoneCardLady said:

  FYI - I have gone thru the mods first and I was ok'd to post this.
  
  My uncle married a woman who had four children from a previous marriage.  He NEVER adopted them, but did have two children with this woman.
  
  I now have 19 cousins just on one side of the family - single, married, separated, divorced or widowed.  This does not include the four children (who are now adults).  This doesn't include any SO's.
  
  I have no plans on inviting my cousins, but my mom thinks I should invite them , including the ones who were never adopted.  Now I know that the one who pays has a say, and at this point neither of my parents are contributing.  Funds would not allow a huge wedding anyway.
  
  At this point I want it to be the officiant (and SO),  my parents, my brother (single, no SO), my sister (divorced, no SO) and her two adult children (neither has a SO).  FI wants his mom and step dad (has been estranged from his biological father since 1979), brother and SO, his one aunt and two cousins (with SO's). I am ok with this.  
  
  I'd like opinions on this as children that are not adopted are not addressed in the Who Do I Need To Invite thread, otherwise I think eloping may be the only answer.
  

  What do you mean you asked the mods and got their approval? I'm a mod of this board and have no clue what you are talking about. Why would you even need anyone's permission?

  

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• CMGragain member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  You invite the people you want to invite to your wedding.  Their legal status has absolutely nothing to do with that decision.  Their social status does in that you must invite the S/Os of any guests that are in a committed relationship.
  

  

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• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  My god. How hard I wish I could gif this.
  
  It doesn't matter if they were never adopted. I have no idea why that has any bearing on any decision. I have blood family that I don't refer to as my family and people that are not apart of my sludge gene pool that I am proud to call family.
  
  You can invite whomever you want. Regardless of their familial status with you. Just know you have to invite their significant others along with them.
  
  You seem to be a little wound tight about these children that are not adopted. Its not as big of a deal as you're making it to be. "I think eloping may be the only answer!" Elope if you want to. Have a big wedding if you want to. Have a small wedding if you want to. Have whatever well hosted shingdig/hootenanny/party you want to. This does not require a meeting of the UN nor you highly and mightily stating "My uncle NEVER adopted them." And? What about it?

  
  

  
  

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• esstee33 member

  

  January 2015

  Wow. I hope those adopted kids never find out how little you respect or value them. Adults or not, that would hurt. 

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• slothiegal member

  

  January 2015

  OP messaged me and asked my advice.  I told her and then suggest posting a thread, since I am not the be-all and end-all of etiquette and, after all, that's the point of a forum.

  
  

  Wasn't aware I was "giving permission".  Huh.  

  

  
  

  
  

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• VulgarGirl member

  

  January 2015

  I was hoping for something really juicy if it needed mod permission.
  
  All I got was someone who apparently has some kind of issue with her uncle having step children and being unable to recognize that they are part of her family.
  
  I'm disappointed.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  Someone has a warped sense of what a blended family is like.    

  
  

  If you are not inviting the aunts and other cousins then no you don't have to invite them. If you are inviting cousins then I think it's pretty shitty for you discard them simply because they were not adopted.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• PhoneCardLady member

  

  January 2015

  First of all, I read the the thread of who to invite first.  When I didn't see an answer, I contacted the moderator, told my story to her and she was the the one who said it was ok to post.  I did not want my post be deleted or moved or not understood.
  
  Second, both the aunt and uncle in question are deceased.
  
  Third, in all of the years they were alive, only twice did we get invited to their house for the holidays.  It was always my aunt's family.  Even tho they only lived 11 miles away, they did not make an effort to be a part of our family.
  
  Of my one living aunt and my one living uncle (neither in good health), I had not planned to invite them, nor any of my cousins.  That way I couldn't be accused of playing favorites.
  
  Since my uncle passed, no effort has been made to be in touch with us.  We have tried to reach out with no success.
  

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• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015

  PhoneCardLady said:

  First of all, I read the the thread of who to invite first.  When I didn't see an answer, I contacted the moderator, told my story to her and she was the the one who said it was ok to post.  I did not want my post be deleted or moved or not understood.
  
  Second, both the aunt and uncle in question are deceased.
  
  Third, in all of the years they were alive, only twice did we get invited to their house for the holidays.  It was always my aunt's family.  Even tho they only lived 11 miles away, they did not make an effort to be a part of our family.
  
  Of my one living aunt and my one living uncle (neither in good health), I had not planned to invite them, nor any of my cousins.  That way I couldn't be accused of playing favorites.
  
  Since my uncle passed, no effort has been made to be in touch with us.  We have tried to reach out with no success.
  

  If you're so disconnected from them, family or not, WHY ARE YOU HAVING DIFFICULTIES WITH THIS? They're just like any other wedding guest. Don't invite them if you don't want to. But you don't have to point out that they're technically not family because your uncle never adopted them. That's just plain rude.

  
  

  Hello mountain. Meet molehill.

  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2015

  Um.... don't invite them.  Sounds like you aren't close.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2015

  

  
  

  Uh. Don't invite them. But your attitude towards the kids that weren't adopted is pretty gross. 

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2015

  PhoneCardLady said:

  First of all, I read the the thread of who to invite first.  When I didn't see an answer, I contacted the moderator, told my story to her and she was the the one who said it was ok to post.  I did not want my post be deleted or moved or not understood.
  
  Second, both the aunt and uncle in question are deceased.
  
  Third, in all of the years they were alive, only twice did we get invited to their house for the holidays.  It was always my aunt's family.  Even tho they only lived 11 miles away, they did not make an effort to be a part of our family.
  
  Of my one living aunt and my one living uncle (neither in good health), I had not planned to invite them, nor any of my cousins.  That way I couldn't be accused of playing favorites.
  
  Since my uncle passed, no effort has been made to be in touch with us.  We have tried to reach out with no success.
  

  You can post wherever you want! It's certainly fine to check and ask if something belongs on one board or anything, but you don't need anyone's permission to post. Do as you please (within the TOS of course)!

  
  

  You do not need to invite the step cousins. Their legal status has nothing to do with it, though. From an etiquette perspective, you can invite (and not invite) whoever you want. Just invite who you're close to.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2015

  PhoneCardLady, you have been around here enough and posted enough discussion threads to know that anyone can start a thread at any time.  There have been some heavy discussion threads on here that dealt with polarizing recent events (not on E, but on CC, etc) and they have always been allowed.  I think the only reason a post would be deleted was if you ended up all crazy and were banned, that would get your post deleted.

  That said, again, like many PP, I am appalled at how you refer to these step cousins, just because they were never legally adopted.  If their bio-dad was active in their lives, both financially and physically, it would be very hard for your uncle to have legally adopted these cousins.  Their bio-dad would have to give permission to waive his "rights" to the kids in order for your uncle to legally adopt them.  There are thousands of step parents who have never legally adopted their step kids because the bio parent is still in their life, that is how parenting should work when mom & dad divorce, break-up, etc.

  

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• redoryx member

  

  January 2015

  Your uncle has step-children. Their legal status in relation to him has nothing to do with anything.

  Invite them or don't invite them. But make that decision based on your budget and your relationship with them. It would be pretty shitty to invite his two biological children that he had with the woman then say to their siblings "Nope, sorry, not invited because my uncle never signed a piece of paper."

  

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• wrigleyville member

  

  January 2015

  Why would you worry about the mods deleting a post about inviting or not inviting certain people? That's one of the most tame threads we get around here.

  
  

  I'm so confused right now.

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• WhatawagSBNy member

  

  January 2015

  Invite all of your cousins or none, since it is not a matter of you wanting one or two you are super close to and not those you rarely see. You don't want any.
  The fact that FI may invite some cousins he feels close to is separate, does not mean your cousins come too.

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• jeterbabe member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  I'm confused about why you're worried about inviting folks to your wedding.    Didn't your FI break things off?  (In November you posted about wanting your relationship back.)

  And what does not being adopted have to do with being invited to a wedding?

  
  

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• jeterbabe member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Duplicate post

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• PhoneCardLady member

  

  January 2015

  Knottie93085129 said:

  I'm confused about why you're worried about inviting folks to your wedding.    Didn't your FI break things off?  (In November you posted about wanting your relationship back.)

  Right now we are on egg shells, but at least it's a start.
  

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