Honoring my deceased infant sister at the wedding?

Cheezleyk · January 2015

Wasn't sure what category to post this in, but since it's a sensitive subject I figured this was a good place to start.

I really want to honor my baby sister at my wedding in July. She passed sometime during my mom's third trimester due to a heart complication. I was only five at the time, and while she did live for a couple of hours after the c-secrion, I was never blessed with the opportunity to meet her or even lay eyes on her in person. Even though I was so young and it was almost 20 years ago, I have always felt very sad about her passing and very connected to her. Especially knowing that she would have be standing with my other sisters as a bridesmaid, I want to make sure that she is remembered.

Here are the problems I am having with this. Obviously, infant death is a very tragic thing and I want to honor the spirit of her memory and who she is to me without making people very sad or upset. So tact is definiely an issue.

The other thing is that I don't have any photos of her alive. I have seen a lot of great ideas for memorializing loved ones with photos, but I feel that her casket photos are very personal and sad, and don't represent her in a joyful way.

I am planning on having silver pendants made with her initials on them for my mother and sisters to carry on their bouquets and for my father and brother to wear on their boutinierres, and I am going to wear opals which are her birth stone. But those are both things that are for me/family and I want something that will be noticeable for our guests as well.

I've seen a lot of great ideas for those who have lost their own children, but many of them don't translate well for a deceased infant who is a sibling, so I don't really know where to go.

Any help much appreciated!

Blue_Bird · January 2015

Cheezley said:

Wasn't sure what category to post this in, but since it's a sensitive subject I figured this was a good place to start. I really want to honor my baby sister at my wedding in July. She passed sometime during my mom's third trimester due to a heart complication. I was only five at the time, and while she did live for a couple of hours after the c-secrion, I was never blessed with the opportunity to meet her or even lay eyes on her in person. Even though I was so young and it was almost 20 years ago, I have always felt very sad about her passing and very connected to her. Especially knowing that she would have be standing with my other sisters as a bridesmaid, I want to make sure that she is remembered. Here are the problems I am having with this. Obviously, infant death is a very tragic thing and I want to honor the spirit of her memory and who she is to me without making people very sad or upset. So tact is definiely an issue. The other thing is that I don't have any photos of her alive. I have seen a lot of great ideas for memorializing loved ones with photos, but I feel that her casket photos are very personal and sad, and don't represent her in a joyful way. I am planning on having silver pendants made with her initials on them for my mother and sisters to carry on their bouquets and for my father and brother to wear on their boutinierres, and I am going to wear opals which are her birth stone. But those are both things that are for me/family and I want something that will be noticeable for our guests as well. I've seen a lot of great ideas for those who have lost their own children, but many of them don't translate well for a deceased infant who is a sibling, so I don't really know where to go. Any help much appreciated!

I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. I know this must be hard for you, knowing what you've missed out on not having her there with you. I do think however, that your initial instinct of having the personal memorials is perfect. It should be personal and intimate for your family. Having something like ohotographs or a memorial for the guests, while possibly cathartic for you, may be sad for your family and a bit morbid or awkward for your guests. I think that the best thing that you can do in this situation if you must add something for your guests is to add a small line in your program saying," In memory of Cheezley's Baby Sister"

Edited for clarity.

CMGragain · January 2015

A wedding is really not the right place to do memorials. Your guests are there to celebrate, and mention of this sad part of your life will throw a damper on things. Please do not do this. Your guests will not be prepared for it.
I missed my father at my own wedding, but I did not mention this at the time. Instead I had my grandmother privately place one flower from my bouquet on his grave. Nobody knew except the two of us. You might consider something like this, but keep it private, please.

atlastmrsg · January 2015

Have you considered whether this will hurt your mother more on what should be a joyous day? I like @CMCGragain's basic idea. Keep a flower from your bouquet. If there was a place that was special, like a park or great view, go there, sit down, have a moment and pray/silently talk to/whatever your spirituality is her up in heaven, and leave a flower for her. "Tell" her about how fabulous the day was and how you wish you'd grown up with her and she could've been there.

I'd skip all pendants, etc. You're forcing the memorial on others, who may be more disturbed by it than pleased to remember. If you want to wear an opal, great. But do it for you. Don't tell everyone, put it on placards/programs/etc. Just do it for you.

While I'm sure you're heart's in the right place, dead baby probably isn't the best thing to add to a wedding celebration.

Jen4948 · January 2015

I agree with PPs. Any memorials at a wedding really need to be subtle and private. The flower idea mentioned above and your opal idea are good ones. What should be avoided is broadcasting to the guests that these gestures are in memory of your sister, because your wedding needs to be a happy occasion. You don't want to evoke grief or loss for your family or any discomfort for your guests.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Cheezley said:

Wasn't sure what category to post this in, but since it's a sensitive subject I figured this was a good place to start.

I really want to honor my baby sister at my wedding in July. She passed sometime during my mom's third trimester due to a heart complication. I was only five at the time, and while she did live for a couple of hours after the c-secrion, I was never blessed with the opportunity to meet her or even lay eyes on her in person. Even though I was so young and it was almost 20 years ago, I have always felt very sad about her passing and very connected to her. Especially knowing that she would have be standing with my other sisters as a bridesmaid, I want to make sure that she is remembered.

Here are the problems I am having with this. Obviously, infant death is a very tragic thing and I want to honor the spirit of her memory and who she is to me without making people very sad or upset. So tact is definiely an issue.

The other thing is that I don't have any photos of her alive. I have seen a lot of great ideas for memorializing loved ones with photos, but I feel that her casket photos are very personal and sad, and don't represent her in a joyful way.

I am planning on having silver pendants made with her initials on them for my mother and sisters to carry on their bouquets and for my father and brother to wear on their boutinierres, and I am going to wear opals which are her birth stone. But those are both things that are for me/family and I want something that will be noticeable for our guests as well.

I've seen a lot of great ideas for those who have lost their own children, but many of them don't translate well for a deceased infant who is a sibling, so I don't really know where to go.

Any help much appreciated!

To the two bolded - Why do you want to do something that will be noticeable for guests? I really think you should consider that question. Why do you want to bring the death of your sister that happened over 20 years ago to the attention of your wedding guests? Why isn't it enough to carry the silver pendant and wear the earrings? I truly do not mean these questions to sound cold, but more as something for you to ponder.

The reason I bring these questions up is because infant death is, as you say bolded above, extremely tragic. If you bring this up, people will be saddened and upset. I can almost guarantee that. She was honored at her memorial and you are honoring her by carrying something meaningful. Let it rest at that.

thisismynickname2 · January 2015

I fully agree with what others have said. However:

What kind of ceremony are you having? In a full Catholic mass, it's not uncommon to include memorials in the prayers. Because I've fallen off the church-going wagon I can't remember the proper name of this section of the service. "For the members of this congregation, let us pray. For the sick and the poor, let us pray." Etc. "For those who could not be with us today, including [bride's grandmother, FI's cousin, bride's sister, etc], let us pray."

I did attend one non-religious ceremony where the bride and groom lit a candle "in memory of those who could not be with us, including [bride's childhood best friend and groom's father]."

I wouldn't specifically draw attention to an infant's death, but generally honoring loved ones not in attendance isn't uncommon, I don't think.

MairePoppy · January 2015

Have you discussed the pendants with your family members? I'm not sure how they, especially your parents, would feel about carrying a reminder of their loss for all to see. Each of us has a right to grieve in our own way.

I would stick with a private dignified memorial. The opal earrings are a lovely idea. If you want to do more than that, how about making a donation to Easter Seals, March of Dimes or a local charity that helps mother and babies? If you want, you can mention in your program that 'In remembrance of Little Sister, a donation has been made to XYZ.' If you decide to do this, give a heads up to the immediate family members so they aren't caught off guard. Of course, you could also just make the donation, privately.

ohannabelle · January 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Cheezley said:

Wasn't sure what category to post this in, but since it's a sensitive subject I figured this was a good place to start.

I really want to honor my baby sister at my wedding in July. She passed sometime during my mom's third trimester due to a heart complication. I was only five at the time, and while she did live for a couple of hours after the c-secrion, I was never blessed with the opportunity to meet her or even lay eyes on her in person. Even though I was so young and it was almost 20 years ago, I have always felt very sad about her passing and very connected to her. Especially knowing that she would have be standing with my other sisters as a bridesmaid, I want to make sure that she is remembered.

Here are the problems I am having with this. Obviously, infant death is a very tragic thing and I want to honor the spirit of her memory and who she is to me without making people very sad or upset. So tact is definiely an issue.

The other thing is that I don't have any photos of her alive. I have seen a lot of great ideas for memorializing loved ones with photos, but I feel that her casket photos are very personal and sad, and don't represent her in a joyful way.

I am planning on having silver pendants made with her initials on them for my mother and sisters to carry on their bouquets and for my father and brother to wear on their boutinierres, and I am going to wear opals which are her birth stone. But those are both things that are for me/family and I want something that will be noticeable for our guests as well.

I've seen a lot of great ideas for those who have lost their own children, but many of them don't translate well for a deceased infant who is a sibling, so I don't really know where to go.

Any help much appreciated!

To the two bolded - Why do you want to do something that will be noticeable for guests? I really think you should consider that question. Why do you want to bring the death of your sister that happened over 20 years ago to the attention of your wedding guests? Why isn't it enough to carry the silver pendant and wear the earrings? I truly do not mean these questions to sound cold, but more as something for you to ponder.

The reason I bring these questions up is because infant death is, as you say bolded above, extremely tragic. If you bring this up, people will be saddened and upset. I can almost guarantee that. She was honored at her memorial and you are honoring her by carrying something meaningful. Let it rest at that.

I would ask these identical questions. It is not that I'm unsympathetic, I understand grief and loss very well. But why the need to share this grief with your guests?

Your private tributes should be enough.

lauraukoctober2014 · January 2015

A private moment with your mum and or dad or any other close family in my eyes giving her a special thought in my eyes is the classy right way I know how u feel about wanting to honour her but you need to think about your parents and whether it would be too much

jacques27 · January 2015

In addition to southernbelle's excellent point about asking yourself why you want something to be so public and your motivations for doing so...does every single guest at your wedding know what happened 20 years ago? Is your mother keen on potentially answering questions or hearing condolences all evening from your wedding guests on something she experienced 20 years ago and presumably has moved through the stages of grieving on already?

Please don't turn your wedding into a memorial for a death 20 years prior, as sad as that was, for the sake of everyone involved. All of the PP's have made wonderful suggestions on how to honor her privately.

holyguacamole79 · January 2015

I think your wearing opals is adequate. That way, your sister is close to you during your wedding and you're not asking family / friends to do anything that would be awkward and draw unnecessary attention.

loveislouder · January 2015

My fiancé and I are having candles lit by all 4 of our parents before the guests arrive for the ceremony, and then having one candle at the reception for everyone we've lost. No one will know except for us because, as @CMGragain‌ said, weddings aren't the place for memorials. ETA: One remembrance candle total at the wedding, not one for every person we've lost.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

atlastmrsg · January 2015

MairePoppy said:

Have you discussed the pendants with your family members? I'm not sure how they, especially your parents, would feel about carrying a reminder of their loss for all to see. Each of us has a right to grieve in our own way.
I would stick with a private dignified memorial. The opal earrings are a lovely idea. If you want to do more than that, how about making a donation to Easter Seals, March of Dimes or a local charity that helps mother and babies? If you want, you can mention in your program that 'In remembrance of Little Sister, a donation has been made to XYZ.' If you decide to do this, give a heads up to the immediate family members so they aren't caught off guard. Of course, you could also just make the donation, privately.

I'd skip putting it in program. It's not really private anymore if you do this.

And, just in case this sparked the idea of doing a donation in lieu of favors, bar, etc., please read the thread on that and reconsider.

Knottie31257313 · January 2015

I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

Jen4948 · January 2015

Knottie31257313 said:
I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, not memorials for the dead. Allowing guests to participate is exactly what most PPs are advocating against, because it adds too much sadness and grief to the occasion.

ohannabelle · January 2015

Knottie31257313 said:

I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

What? WHAT??????!

Unless his parents specifically asked you to do this (and they should not) why are you even considering this?

I promise you, if anyone had the nerve to open my wounds by staging a memorial to my son without my express request and permission, I would be something beyond furious. The night would be ruined for me, and I would be devastated and horrified and furious. Did I say furious? Also furious.

If a future daughter in law even suggested this to me, I'd be enraged at her nerve. My pain isn't a fucking "sweet touch" for your wedding, because you saw it at another wedding.

It isn't your place to do this. Frankly, it isn't even your place to suggest it. You're soooooo far out of line that I'm shocked. Disgusted.

You think it's a "sweet touch" and nice for "guest participation?"

WTF? Really? Unnecessarily bringing a long ago tragedy to a happy occasion? Opening a twenty year old wound in public? Have you considered how a guest might feel, if they had suffered a similar tragedy?

No. Just no. Your wedding is not a place for you to make maudlin and self indulgent displays of grief that was never yours to begin with. It is not in any way appropriate to the occasion. If you care that deeply, make your prayers and tributes in private. If that isn't adequate for you, I suggest that your desire for expressing loss is less about loss, and more about show. You are using someone's tragedy like a prop in a show. No. No. No.

ETA: TLDR- Condensed Version: The decision to honor anyone by memorial at a wedding should only be suggested or implemented by the closest immediate family members of that person. It is not the bride's place to suggest memorials for the groom's family, or the reverse. Not all family members might appreciate it, and care should be taken not to intrude on another person's feelings. Annabelle goes all PTSD at the very idea, says furious about 40 times, done.

larrygaga · January 2015

Maybe you could also have a pretty engraved candle for her set out at the reception or something? Simple and small.

Knottie31257313 · January 2015

ohannabelle said:

Knottie31257313 said:

I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

What? WHAT??????!
Unless his parents specifically asked you to do this (and they should not) why are you even considering this?
I promise you, if anyone had the nerve to open my wounds by staging a memorial to my son without my express request and permission, I would be something beyond furious. The night would be ruined for me, and I would be devastated and horrified and furious. Did I say furious? Also furious.

If a future daughter in law even suggested this to me, I'd be enraged at her nerve. My pain isn't a fucking "sweet touch" for your wedding, because you saw it at another wedding.

It isn't your place to do this. Frankly, it isn't even your place to suggest it. You're soooooo far out of line that I'm shocked. Disgusted.

You think it's a "sweet touch" and nice for "guest participation?"
WTF? Really? Unnecessarily bringing a long ago tragedy to a happy occasion? Opening a twenty year old wound in public? Have you considered how a guest might feel, if they had suffered a similar tragedy?

No. Just no. Your wedding is not a place for you to make maudlin and self indulgent displays of grief that was never yours to begin with. It is not in any way appropriate to the occasion. If you care that deeply, make your prayers and tributes in private. If that isn't adequate for you, I suggest that your desire for expressing loss is less about loss, and more about show. You are using someone's tragedy like a prop in a show. No. No. No.

ETA: TLDR- Condensed Version: The decision to honor anyone by memorial at a wedding should only be suggested or implemented by the closest immediate family members of that person. It is not the bride's place to suggest memorials for the groom's family, or the reverse. Not all family members might appreciate it, and care should be taken not to intrude on another person's feelings. Annabelle goes all PTSD at the very idea, says furious about 40 times, done.

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you? Not to mention, I never said whether or not I'd asked his parents' permission. And the OP is saying she has already DECIDED to make her sister a part of her day,and presumably has told her family that she is, so if she does, this is a way she can do it quickly and without making a huge spectacle. You don't have to bite my head off you know. Everyone feels differently about these sorts of things. Not everyone lives in fairy tale land where they can have a wedding that has no sadness involved. Weddings, thought happy, are almost always bittersweet occasions, since there is usually someone who the bride/groom wishes could have been there. As far as your rude sweet "touch" comment: I don't think either I or OP is trying to take away the pain- but parents aren't the only ones who suffer when a child dies. Siblings suffer too. Everyone processes grief differently. For you, it might be something that would be totally unacceptable. For another family, they may choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and wouldn't see it as "opening an old wound" because it is something the family has always been open about. P.S. Flipping out and cussing on these boards is a way to get kicked off. I'll be reporting you.It's very inappropriate. You could have easily expressed your disagreement without being rude.

Edit: Also, you might want to consider that different people are different religions. In my religion, for example, it's quite common to light a memorial candle at an occasion, happy or otherwise, for a deceased family member. I've definitely been to more than one wedding, christening, etc. where such a thing has been done.

flantastic · January 2015

Knottie31257313 said:

ohannabelle said:

Knottie31257313 said:

I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

What? WHAT??????!
Unless his parents specifically asked you to do this (and they should not) why are you even considering this?
I promise you, if anyone had the nerve to open my wounds by staging a memorial to my son without my express request and permission, I would be something beyond furious. The night would be ruined for me, and I would be devastated and horrified and furious. Did I say furious? Also furious.

If a future daughter in law even suggested this to me, I'd be enraged at her nerve. My pain isn't a fucking "sweet touch" for your wedding, because you saw it at another wedding.

It isn't your place to do this. Frankly, it isn't even your place to suggest it. You're soooooo far out of line that I'm shocked. Disgusted.

You think it's a "sweet touch" and nice for "guest participation?"
WTF? Really? Unnecessarily bringing a long ago tragedy to a happy occasion? Opening a twenty year old wound in public? Have you considered how a guest might feel, if they had suffered a similar tragedy?

No. Just no. Your wedding is not a place for you to make maudlin and self indulgent displays of grief that was never yours to begin with. It is not in any way appropriate to the occasion. If you care that deeply, make your prayers and tributes in private. If that isn't adequate for you, I suggest that your desire for expressing loss is less about loss, and more about show. You are using someone's tragedy like a prop in a show. No. No. No.

ETA: TLDR- Condensed Version: The decision to honor anyone by memorial at a wedding should only be suggested or implemented by the closest immediate family members of that person. It is not the bride's place to suggest memorials for the groom's family, or the reverse. Not all family members might appreciate it, and care should be taken not to intrude on another person's feelings. Annabelle goes all PTSD at the very idea, says furious about 40 times, done.

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you? Not to mention, I never said whether or not I'd asked his parents' permission. And the OP is saying she has already DECIDED to make her sister a part of her day,and presumably has told her family that she is, so if she does, this is a way she can do it quickly and without making a huge spectacle. You don't have to bite my head off you know. Everyone feels differently about these sorts of things. Not everyone lives in fairy tale land where they can have a wedding that has no sadness involved. Weddings, thought happy, are almost always bittersweet occasions, since there is usually someone who the bride/groom wishes could have been there. As far as your rude sweet "touch" comment: I don't think either I or OP is trying to take away the pain- but parents aren't the only ones who suffer when a child dies. Siblings suffer too. Everyone processes grief differently. For you, it might be something that would be totally unacceptable. For another family, they may choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and wouldn't see it as "opening an old wound" because it is something the family has always been open about. P.S. Flipping out and cussing on these boards is a way to get kicked off. I'll be reporting you.It's very inappropriate. You could have easily expressed your disagreement without being rude.

Edit: Also, you might want to consider that different people are different religions. In my religion, for example, it's quite common to light a memorial candle at an occasion, happy or otherwise, for a deceased family member. I've definitely been to more than one wedding, christening, etc. where such a thing has been done.

Is this your FI's idea, or yours? Annabelle was saying that the idea/suggestion shouldn't have come from you, because it's not your place to decide for your fiancé or his parents how they grieve.

IF it was your fiancé's initial idea or suggestion: Has he consulted his parents? Because they definitely need to know ahead of time that you're doing this, and if they tell you they'd rather not have it, then you two need to honor that. If it's something they'd rather not think about at the wedding, then your FI needs to do his own grieving privately instead of forcing it on his parents and all the guests.

HeatherKat · January 2015

Knottie31257313 said:

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you? Not to mention, I never said whether or not I'd asked his parents' permission. And the OP is saying she has already DECIDED to make her sister a part of her day,and presumably has told her family that she is, so if she does, this is a way she can do it quickly and without making a huge spectacle. You don't have to bite my head off you know. Everyone feels differently about these sorts of things. Not everyone lives in fairy tale land where they can have a wedding that has no sadness involved. Weddings, thought happy, are almost always bittersweet occasions, since there is usually someone who the bride/groom wishes could have been there. As far as your rude sweet "touch" comment: I don't think either I or OP is trying to take away the pain- but parents aren't the only ones who suffer when a child dies. Siblings suffer too. Everyone processes grief differently. For you, it might be something that would be totally unacceptable. For another family, they may choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and wouldn't see it as "opening an old wound" because it is something the family has always been open about. P.S. Flipping out and cussing on these boards is a way to get kicked off. I'll be reporting you.It's very inappropriate. You could have easily expressed your disagreement without being rude.

Edit: Also, you might want to consider that different people are different religions. In my religion, for example, it's quite common to light a memorial candle at an occasion, happy or otherwise, for a deceased family member. I've definitely been to more than one wedding, christening, etc. where such a thing has been done.

Edited to cut long ass quote tree:

To the bolded, cursing isn't against TOS. There is nothing to report.

MairePoppy · January 2015

@knottie31257313Do you realize that a mother just expressed her grief over the loss of her child? The only appropriate response is:

" @Ohannabelle I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for making me think about how my actions might affect other people. "

My own 2 cents. Yes, very young siblings are capable of understanding there's been a terrible loss, but they don't experience the same kind of grief that the parents do. Proceed with sensitivity.

ohannabelle · January 2015

Knottie31257313 said:

ohannabelle said:

Knottie31257313 said:

I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

What? WHAT??????!
Unless his parents specifically asked you to do this (and they should not) why are you even considering this?
I promise you, if anyone had the nerve to open my wounds by staging a memorial to my son without my express request and permission, I would be something beyond furious. The night would be ruined for me, and I would be devastated and horrified and furious. Did I say furious? Also furious.

If a future daughter in law even suggested this to me, I'd be enraged at her nerve. My pain isn't a fucking "sweet touch" for your wedding, because you saw it at another wedding.

It isn't your place to do this. Frankly, it isn't even your place to suggest it. You're soooooo far out of line that I'm shocked. Disgusted.

You think it's a "sweet touch" and nice for "guest participation?"
WTF? Really? Unnecessarily bringing a long ago tragedy to a happy occasion? Opening a twenty year old wound in public? Have you considered how a guest might feel, if they had suffered a similar tragedy?

No. Just no. Your wedding is not a place for you to make maudlin and self indulgent displays of grief that was never yours to begin with. It is not in any way appropriate to the occasion. If you care that deeply, make your prayers and tributes in private. If that isn't adequate for you, I suggest that your desire for expressing loss is less about loss, and more about show. You are using someone's tragedy like a prop in a show. No. No. No.

ETA: TLDR- Condensed Version: The decision to honor anyone by memorial at a wedding should only be suggested or implemented by the closest immediate family members of that person. It is not the bride's place to suggest memorials for the groom's family, or the reverse. Not all family members might appreciate it, and care should be taken not to intrude on another person's feelings. Annabelle goes all PTSD at the very idea, says furious about 40 times, done.

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you? Not to mention, I never said whether or not I'd asked his parents' permission. And the OP is saying she has already DECIDED to make her sister a part of her day,and presumably has told her family that she is, so if she does, this is a way she can do it quickly and without making a huge spectacle. You don't have to bite my head off you know. Everyone feels differently about these sorts of things. Not everyone lives in fairy tale land where they can have a wedding that has no sadness involved. Weddings, thought happy, are almost always bittersweet occasions, since there is usually someone who the bride/groom wishes could have been there. As far as your rude sweet "touch" comment: I don't think either I or OP is trying to take away the pain- but parents aren't the only ones who suffer when a child dies. Siblings suffer too. Everyone processes grief differently. For you, it might be something that would be totally unacceptable. For another family, they may choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and wouldn't see it as "opening an old wound" because it is something the family has always been open about. P.S. Flipping out and cussing on these boards is a way to get kicked off. I'll be reporting you.It's very inappropriate. You could have easily expressed your disagreement without being rude.

Edit: Also, you might want to consider that different people are different religions. In my religion, for example, it's quite common to light a memorial candle at an occasion, happy or otherwise, for a deceased family member. I've definitely been to more than one wedding, christening, etc. where such a thing has been done.

First of all, I'll address the bolded. No, you can't get someone "kicked off the boards" for swearing. This is not a preschool, and members are allowed to express their opinions in whatever way they choose. Read your terms of service, and grow up. You'll be reporting me? Seriously? Let me know how that goes.

Nothing I said pertains to the OP.

Yes, your fiancé is an immediate family member. You were not. He didn't suggest this.

And really, living in "fairy tale land?" Not even close. So far off base that it would be funny, if it weren't so obtuse.

Don't even presume to educate me about grief, or how people might express grief, or that siblings feel grief, too. Really? Who knew?

Oh, me. I know this.

What you are feeling is not grief. You may feel empathy or sympathy, but you are not the parent of this child. The parents of the child are the people who would make this call, suggest this act, or who have the right to. A sibling might suggest it, but only parents have the ultimate choice over how and where their personal experience and their child are recognized.

I was, for many years, a member of a group called Compassionate Friends, and after that, volunteered with them, as well as being a victim support services person for MADD. I have dealt with the deaths of more children than most people will ever experience in a lifetime. Compassionate Friends is an organization for people dealing with the death of a child, so I have plenty of experience dealing with this particular subject, and a lot of experience (including my own) to realistically gauge how parents might react. Not exactly "fairy tale land."

We're talking about ten years of dealing with death, grief, and mourning on an almost daily basis, in one capacity or another, with a wide variety of people from many different backgrounds. So yes, I'm going to assume I have a lot more experience and knowledge of the overall subject than you, and much more likely to know how your suggestions might be received. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

I am familiar with many various forms of grief and expressions of grief. I'm more than aware that everyone deals with grief differently. I am more than aware that prayers for the deceased are normal and expected in certain religions. (Not something they saw at a wedding and thought would be "a sweet touch." Your words, not mine.) I've probably read more material and information about grief and mourning than you've had hot dinners.

And yes, I do speak from personal experience, as well.

And, based on experience, both personal and involved by association, and being educated and informed on this particular subject, you're out of line.

This is not your experience, not your history, not your loss, not your pain. I have no objection to people experiencing sincere grief recognizing the absence of their family members during significant occasions. But again, this is not your mother, or father, or sibling, or child.

It is not your place to suggest it. Your whole post reeks of self indulgent affected grief. You experienced no loss, you feel no absence, you weren't there to share the terrible experience. At most, you experience sympathy.

It. Is. Not. Your. Grief.

It is, by your own account, something you saw done at a wedding (note: by the parents of the child, who are indeed the persons who would feel the need and have the right to include this) and you thought it would be "a sweet touch."

Neither your fiancé nor his parents have suggested this. You did.

The type of rituals that you are suggesting are fairly common in the early stages of grief. They are rituals of active mourning. We (people who have actually experienced and are grieving losses) enact these rituals because the absence of the person we're grieving leaves a terrible empty and vacant spot in our lives, and rituals of active mourning help us to fill those empty places. It is also an act of recognition, where we publicly affirm the existence of the missing person and their contributions to our lives. The more recent the loss, the more likely that we are to affirm that loss publicly. I don't raise an eyebrow at this.

In time, with typical grief patterns, (and yes, even allowing for the fact that all grief is different, there are indeed typical and expected patterns of grief and mourning) we feel less and less need to publicly mourn. It is part of healing. It is not an indication that we feel less, or hurt less, but simply that we have learned how to process and deal with that grief without it dominating our lives.

(If these rituals and behaviors continue well past the expected timelines, it might be indicative of Prolonged Grief Disorder, or Post Traumatic Stress, but that's a different subject matter.)

I have also spoken to multiple families who have had to experience tributes and acts of mourning enacted by people other than themselves. Overwhelmingly, it is viewed as presumptive and intrusive, outsiders trespassing on territory that is not their right to encroach on, in ways that family members might not want.

It rarely goes over well. I have only rarely heard of it being appreciated. It is very often painful and traumatic.

Again, knowledge, all based on real life experiences. Not random opinion from fucking fairy tale land.

Enacting active mourning rituals well past the time of active mourning can be a triggering event to people who have experienced genuine grief and loss. It is, indeed, frequently received as opening old wounds. (There's that damned experience and knowledge again.)

By suggesting this ritual, this tribute to someone you never knew and whose loss had zero impact on your life, you are running a very real risk of offending and hurting your new family. You are trespassing into very painful personal territory. I would strongly suggest staying the hell out of pain and grief that aren't your own.

If his family brings it up and suggests it, different story.

They have not suggested it.

TLDR: You're wrong, you're presumptuous, and it is not your place to suggest this. You don't know what you're talking about. If you want a "sweet touch" for your wedding, buy flowers. Report whatever you want. I give zero good goddamns.

wrigleyville · January 2015

I'm getting really irritated by this trend of having memorial tables, candles, etc. at weddings.

Every time I go to a wedding and we pause (or whatever) to remember someone who died, it's incredibly awkward and really brings down the joyful tone of the whole thing. A friend of mine got married a year ago, and she started sobbing when she lit the candle, her brother came up to hold her, and everyone was crying like it was a funeral. The minister moved on with the wedding ceremony, but there was this horrible pall over it after that.

The picture tables are the same way. "Oh, here's their guest book, and look at these pretty decorations, and... oh... people who died.

"

I get that people want to remember their loved ones, but the public display just feels so wrong at a wedding. It's not a memorial service; it's a wedding.

ohannabelle · January 2015

wrigleyville said:

I'm getting really irritated by this trend of having memorial tables, candles, etc. at weddings.

Every time I go to a wedding and we pause (or whatever) to remember someone who died, it's incredibly awkward and really brings down the joyful tone of the whole thing. A friend of mine got married a year ago, and she started sobbing when she lit the candle, her brother came up to hold her, and everyone was crying like it was a funeral. The minister moved on with the wedding ceremony, but there was this horrible pall over it after that.

The picture tables are the same way. "Oh, here's their guest book, and look at these pretty decorations, and... oh... people who died. "

I get that people want to remember their loved ones, but the public display just feels so wrong at a wedding. It's not a memorial service; it's a wedding.

The very worst display I have ever seen (not personally, on Pinterest) was a display of candle lit mason jars, filled with oil, in which were suspended herbs and photographs of various deceased relatives.

It was terrifying. WTF? A display of pickled ancestors?

No.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

HeatherKat said:

Knottie31257313 said:

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you? Not to mention, I never said whether or not I'd asked his parents' permission. And the OP is saying she has already DECIDED to make her sister a part of her day,and presumably has told her family that she is, so if she does, this is a way she can do it quickly and without making a huge spectacle. You don't have to bite my head off you know. Everyone feels differently about these sorts of things. Not everyone lives in fairy tale land where they can have a wedding that has no sadness involved. Weddings, thought happy, are almost always bittersweet occasions, since there is usually someone who the bride/groom wishes could have been there. As far as your rude sweet "touch" comment: I don't think either I or OP is trying to take away the pain- but parents aren't the only ones who suffer when a child dies. Siblings suffer too. Everyone processes grief differently. For you, it might be something that would be totally unacceptable. For another family, they may choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and wouldn't see it as "opening an old wound" because it is something the family has always been open about. P.S. Flipping out and cussing on these boards is a way to get kicked off. I'll be reporting you.It's very inappropriate. You could have easily expressed your disagreement without being rude.

Edit: Also, you might want to consider that different people are different religions. In my religion, for example, it's quite common to light a memorial candle at an occasion, happy or otherwise, for a deceased family member. I've definitely been to more than one wedding, christening, etc. where such a thing has been done.

Edited to cut long ass quote tree:

To the bolded, cursing isn't against TOS. There is nothing to report.

And thank fucking Jesus it isn't!

mrscomposer · January 2015

I really REALLY don't understand this.

I was seven and my sister was three and a half when my mom miscarried - full term stillborn, perfect baby boy, cord was wrapped around his neck. It changed our entire family, and in some ways that we didn't understand for a long time. Mom and Dad had lost a baby, their firstborn son. My sister and I have had difficulties with trust (mom & dad said there would be a baby, there was no baby). There were ripple effects even into my little brother being born (my best friend remembers me being absolutely terrified that day, thinking that something would go wrong - I, myself, can't remember anything about that day except for getting the news that K was here and he was perfectly healthy).

All that to say - I get where you're coming from. There is a hole in my family where a brother was supposed to be. But I don't get memorializing your baby sister at your wedding. Like, not even a little. Grandparents, okay, fine. Parents, okay, sure. But an infant sibling from YEARS ago that many people attending your wedding might not even know about? Honour her if you want, sure, but if you draw attention to it, expect people to think that it's morbid and strange.

wrigleyville · January 2015

I should add that I really am terribly sorry that this happened to your family, and I understand the grief, even though I've never experienced it myself. I hope my post didn't come across as cold-hearted. I was just trying to explain why I don't like memorials at weddings.

I understand why people feel they need to have them, but I don't understand why that is. This seems to be a recent trend. My family/friends never did anything like this until a few years ago, and now that they do, it's like everyone feels they HAVE to.

I blame Pinterest.

levioosa · January 2015

Ohannabelle, I want to hug you.

My Aunt lost her little boy the week before he was due. It destroyed her and her family. We don't talk about it because she never really recovered from it. But it's not my grief, and I would NEVER presume to pretend like it is. Grief and loss are very personal things. Ohannabelle's point is that you don't appropriate someone else's grief as your own. For shame, it's not that hard to understand.

jacques27 · January 2015

Hugs, ohannabelle.

I was actually thinking about this a lot yesterday and this morning after ohannabelle's first post. I've always been against the memorial at a wedding thing, but without any particular reason beyond "It just doesn't feel appropriate." Beyond the whole "appropriating others grief" which I've seen in action and almost always seems to smack more of attention-seeking than of sincerity to me, I think ohannabelle helped me figure out my own feelings on the subject. So, thanks for that.

Weddings are about two lives in the present making vows to each other for their future. It's a pretty simple concept. Everything has it's appropriate outlet and venue - loss and grief have memorial services, birthdays and anniversaries have parties, commitments have weddings/ceremonies, etc. Having a public memorial at a wedding now changes it into dwelling on the past and could have been instead of the present and the future. This is especially true of the OP where one can never truly know if the rosy "could have been" she paints would have even been the reality.

I think it's reasonable to say there's no other occasion where you would put on this sort of display - Would you have a table full of the deceased's pictures at your high school or college graduation or birthday party? Are you going to toast to the deceased at every wedding anniversary you celebrate or your fancy dinner out to celebrate your job promotion? Would you go up to everyone at your niece's bat mitzvah or quinceanera or sweet 16 party and tell them you're wearing a ruby necklace to honor a deceased family member? I suppose it's possible that someone out there would do those things - but I think more likely not. These loved ones probably would have been present for all those occasions, not just a wedding, yet we don't turn these other occasions into memorials.

Honoring them privately is lovely (carrying a charm with you, wearing their birthstone, incorporating their favorite color, saying a private prayer for them before the service, etc.), but once you turn that into an obvious public display it 1) becomes a memorial, and 2) has the potential to deeply and negatively affect others touched by that same loss, or even others who may have experienced a similar loss in their own lives (for example, someone who recently experienced a miscarriage showing up to a wedding expecting a celebration only to face a public memorial to someone else's deceased infant). Everyone grieves differently and in their own time and I think it's cruel to potentially force someone to face that on your terms instead of their own.

Honoring my deceased infant sister at the wedding?

Re: Honoring my deceased infant sister at the wedding?

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