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Opinion Time: How much porn is too much

melbensomelbenso member
500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
edited January 2015 in Chit Chat
Before I get to the meat of my question, let me preface this by saying that I am not a person who is bothered by porn, per se.  I do find some pornography to be demeaning to women, but as long as all participants are there consensually (and, of course of age), I don't really have a problem with it.  I also don't have a problem with H looking at porn from time to time.  He's always been upfront with me about looking at porn and I've always said it was okay.

However, it has come to my attention that he is looking at a lot more porn than I thought that he was.   As in several times a day, he is spending 30 minutes or so looking at it.  Most of the time, I am not there when this is happening (already left for work, went to bed, etc.) so it isn't having much impact on the amount of time we spend together, but I can't help but think it has some impact (he stays up later, so he goes into work later, so he gets home later, so we have less time to spend together at night sort of thing).  I haven't talked to him about this yet, because I think there is a good chance I am over thinking this and more bothered by it than I should be.

As a side note, because it might be relevant: I have been struggling with depression lately and I am seeing a counselor.  Things are getting better, but our sex life has not been very great for the past few months and is only now starting to get back to normal.

So, help me with a reality check here: How much porn are you comfortable with your significant other looking at and when?  What crosses the line in terms of porn use for you?  At what point would you be concerned that use of pornography might damage your relationship?

Edit to clarify: I don't think his porn use is the cause of the issues we have been having with our sex life, I think it may be - in part - a response to it though.  My depression issues killed my motivation to do pretty much anything, including sex, for a while.  We are both still coping with that.
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Re: Opinion Time: How much porn is too much

  • I think that any time it: (1) interferes with your sex life; or (2) bothers you - it's too much porn.  Talk to him and explain that it bothers you.  You don't have to feel bad about being bothered by this. 
  • I'm also not bothered by porn. I guess it would bother me if it affected FI's life, or our relationship. It's one thing to watch porn here and there, but if he were to watch it to the point where it is affecting his job, or relationship with me, or our sex life, then that would be crossing the line for me.
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  • My first thought was if it gets to the point where he'd rather watch porn than be with me, but that does sound like a lot and I wouldn't be thrilled about it. 
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  • edited June 2015
  • I know that I'll probably be in the minority here, but H and I have a no porn policy which we both respect.  
  • I had to have a conversation with H about this. I don't have a problem with porn, or with him viewing it, but it came to a head when I found out that he was watching it in the other room when I was home, and frequently. For some reason, it really hurt me that he was watching porn when I was right in the other room and he could've come to me to have sex if he had that desire. In that moment, I felt like he preferred porn over me. We had a good sex life so I was confused and hurt. We ended up getting into a fight about it (wrong way to have that discussion) but he felt awful when he realized that I was upset about it. We came to an agreement and it hasn't been an issue since then. He does still watch porn but is also respectful of me.

     

    The absolute best thing to do in this situation is to just have a discussion with him. The longer you hold it in and don't talk about it, the more likely it is that you'll end up getting into a fight about it when it could've been a rational, calm discussion.

  • I agree with PP's that when porn watching becomes all consuming and starts interfering with his job and other aspects of your relationship then it's too much. I know my SO enjoys watching porn occasionally and I think its perfectly normal and healthy but I honestly would never know that he's doing it except that I know that he's doing it (if that makes sense). I think it only becomes unhealthy when it starts making you feel uncomfortable and when he starts sacrificing time that could be spent with you.
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  • pinkcow13 said:
    I'm also not bothered by porn. I guess it would bother me if it affected FI's life, or our relationship. It's one thing to watch porn here and there, but if he were to watch it to the point where it is affecting his job, or relationship with me, or our sex life, then that would be crossing the line for me.
    This. I'm under the impression he looks at it like 2-3 times per week on our nonsex days. Honestly, I could be totally wrong and it could be twice a day for all I know- but the fact that it has NO affect on me or our life together if I don't even know about it, makes it ok to me. He still wants me all the time, he never asks for things that he's seen or something like that, so I guess if it were more than I imagined then it really wouldn't matter. But once it did start affecting me and our sex life the line would be drawn.

                                                                     

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  • I am also in the minority here in that H and I do not watch porn. I hate the idea of him getting his sexual fix by watching another woman. I understand that my thinking is a bit extreme, but that is just how it is. H complies with this willingly which is awesome (and would have been a deal breaker if he hadn't).

     

    I think that when porn begins to impact your life as a couple then it is way too much. Seven times a day is ridiculous.

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  • I know that I'll probably be in the minority here, but H and I have a no porn policy which we both respect.  

    This is our policy also. If he wants to look at boobies, he can look at mine.
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  • I agree with others that the second you became bothered by it or it affects his work and your relationship, it is too much and something needs to be done.

    DH and I do not partake in porn in our relationship. Why? Because I feel hurt the second I feel I'm being chosen second, or not at all. So, it definitely is contingent along what you are okay with. For some people, it's frequent porn as long as the SO is not choosing it over you, and for others like me and guacamole, it's zero porn.

    I can give no advice on how to begin the conversation without it getting into a yelling screaming match.

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  • I think it's fine as long as it's not interfering with real life. Fi and I both 'ride the solo train' a few times a week, so.
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  • Anything that becomes an obsession is a problem to me. Porn, video games, whatever. If it's all you can think about, all you want to do, it's a problem. 

    I think asking why he's interested in watching porn is a good place to start. I sometimes watch or look at porn without the intent to get off. I just like looking at the human form, or watching people have sex. It's enjoyable in a non-sexual way for me. Other times it's enjoyable in a sexual way.

    I have no idea what FI's porn watching habits are, other then that he prefers guy/guy porn over straight porn, because the girls in straight porn seem so fake to him and the guys are douchebags. But frequency? I dunno. Sometimes we watch together, sometimes one of us will watch and then go find the other and do unspeakable things to them. 

    I've always wondered, for those that have a porn free relationship, does that include things like erotica or romance novels or really dirty fanfic for you? Is it basically anything outside of your partner that turns you on? Or is it just specifically pornographic images/video? Sorry to thread jack, just a curiosity.
    I'm curious, too.
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  • H only ever watches porn with me, and that is not often. I like it this way, because we can make sure it's not horrible sexist trash.

    It would bother me to know he was watching it alone when I was home. Like... if you need sex, I'm right here.

    I would definitely try to have a calm conversation about it. You should never come second to a virtual lady.
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  • To answer your question @princessofgenovia, for us it is just porn. We also don't watch raunchy TV or movies (think OITNB or The Wolf of Wallstreet) unless we are together. For us anything that is created with the sole purpose of turning you on/getting you off is something that is a no go.
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  • For us, just regarding pornographic images/video. I don't read erotica, but the few romance novels I've read always have little steamy sex passages (can't really avoid when you're reading along and then all of a sudden the author throws in a sex scene between this husband/wife). But I also don't read romance novels for sexual gratification, either. I don't really prefer romance novels, so I only read them if it's a free Friday book on the nook.... I like kings queens and dragons and knights!

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  • Porn doesn't bother me. But V doesn't watch any so I don't know how I would feel about him doing it. I guess you just have to bite the bullet and talk to him about it.
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  • H and I don't watch porn (not due to any stipulation, just neither of us cares for it) but it should be the same as with anything - if and when something starts to consume your life and negatively impact your relationship, it's a problem. Whether that's porn, drinking, smoking, playing games, watching Netflix, whatever. With some people the "negative impact on your relationship" starts at 1 time; with others it's a lot more than that. Still the same general rule, IMO.

    I dated a guy who had watched SO MUCH dirty porn that he couldn't get off with regular sex anymore. Our relationship suffered because of it, and contributed to us breaking up.

    If his habits are hurting your feelings, you should discuss it with him.

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  • My FI just isn't into porn so it's a non-issue for us.  And I'd rather have my orgasms by him than by myself so it doesn't hold must interest to me.  Plus penises look funny.

    But I'd say that if it bothers you, it's something worth talking about.  NOT in an accusatory way of "you watch too much porn and I hate it" but more of a "can we talk about what we both feel comfortable with in the way of porn so we can reach a compromise that we can both live with."
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  • Inkdancer said:
    H only ever watches porn with me, and that is not often. I like it this way, because we can make sure it's not horrible sexist trash.

    It would bother me to know he was watching it alone when I was home. Like... if you need sex, I'm right here.

    I would definitely try to have a calm conversation about it. You should never come second to a virtual lady.

    Yeah, that's my issue with it. If I'm not home, go for it dude. I know he doesn't watch a ton of porn so it's not the amount of time, it's just when he used to turn to porn instead of coming to me first. I think H just didn't realize at the time how it would affect me. It wasn't done intentionally. After we talked about it, he hasn't done it since (to my knowledge).
  • For us, just regarding pornographic images/video. I don't read erotica, but the few romance novels I've read always have little steamy sex passages (can't really avoid when you're reading along and then all of a sudden the author throws in a sex scene between this husband/wife). But I also don't read romance novels for sexual gratification, either. I don't really prefer romance novels, so I only read them if it's a free Friday book on the nook.... I like kings queens and dragons and knights!
    This is the same for us.  I've never been one for erotica / romance.  When I read, I enjoy non-fiction or a murder mystery.  H likes to read science fiction.  

    H knows himself and knows what tempts him.  For him, female nudity in TV / movies is a temptation for him and he either looks away or closes his eyes during those scenes.  
  • Yeah, I'm in the camp that says if it's bothering you, say something.

    I don't really get my jollies from porn. FI does watch some, although I don't know (or, at the moment, care) how much. It has had an effect on our sex life exactly once: FI wanted to watch with me, and I said I was down. But when he tried to get me to pick something, I was so embarrassed by the things I was interested in watching that I broke down in tears and wound up killing the mood completely. I'm afraid to try again. 

    Come to think of it... most of our sex-life problems boil down to my issues... 
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  • @hellosweetie1015 join the club. H and I are struggling with our sex life right now and it's all my issues. I feel awful and at the same time, I don't know how to fix it.
  • As with any other addiction, it's not about how much but instead about how it impacts you and others. If watching porn is getting in the way of him doing other things, or spending time with you. If he's distracted by it. Then it is a problem. If he's not, then it's not. 

    I don't know how much porn my husband looks at. I know he looks at it, and that he has some on his computer. But he is respectful about it. It doesn't interfer with out time together, so I don't care about it. 
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  • hellosweetie1015 join the club. H and I are struggling with our sex life right now and it's all my issues. I feel awful and at the same time, I don't know how to fix it.
    UGH. I know how much it sucks, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one with that problem. I hate it.

    My biggest goal for the new year is to get over that shit.
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  • For me, it would start to bother me if it affected the amount of time he spent with me/at work/doing other shit he's supposed to be doing. A couple of times a week for 30 mins? Have at it. But like 2+ hours every single day... nope.

    Weirdly, it wouldn't bother me if I was in the house. Don't know why. It just doesn't really matter to me. 

    It's all about what you, personally, are comfortable with.

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  • I don't know or care how much porn FI watches, because it doesn't impact our sex life (or our life in general) at all. If it did become an issue, we'd be having a big sit-down talk about it. I think if my FI watched as much as your H does, that would be bordering on too much for me. 

    I definitely understand where you're coming from with the depression and lack of sex drive, and you may be right that he's watching a lot of porn to compensate. The only way you'll know for sure is if you ask, though, and that's where I'd start the conversation. 
  • FI would much prefer being with me than alone with porn, but I know he's watched it and I really don't care if he watches it now because it doesn't interfere with our sex life.   the problem would be if it did.  7 times per day is a definite problem, IMO.

     

    I actually quite enjoy watching it with him - it's a turn on for us both.  If he's gone on a business trip (he leaves sometimes for 2 weeks at a time) - hell yeah I'll watch it alone if I want/need to - he doesn't mind that either. 

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