Bridesmaid Dilemma or Not?

Butterflyz419 · January 2015

Maggie0829 said:

So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?

Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accommodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

ETA: If I was this BM, instead of just saying that $100 was too much. I'd have privately talked to my friend and said, "I can only do $X right now, I'm so sorry. Can you cover the rest right now so we can order them on time and I promise to pay you back ASAP." To me, that would be more considerate and more helpful than just saying $100 is too much.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

Maggie0829 said:

So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?

Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accomodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

I...just can't with this. So go on and continue being the martyr. But true friends would do anything to have their bestie with them on their wedding day, including picking a $25 dress or not having a DW. That is just things you do for your nearest and dearest because friendships are more important then a fucking vision.

Butterflyz419 · January 2015

It has nothing to do with being a martyr. Haven't I heard here hundreds of times that people would rather be just a guest than a BM anyway? And I was using a DW as an example. If you're getting married in your home town but your good friend lives on the other side of the country and can't afford the flight, are you as a good friend that cares more about your friend than your vision supposed to have your wedding on the other side of the country just so this one friend can be there? That's NOT reasonable. People have limitations, even good friends, sometimes we can accommodate those things, sometimes we can't. I think this one can be accommodated down the middle, but agreeing to be in a bridal party comes with responsibility, think before you accept.

Viczaesar · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

It has nothing to do with being a martyr. Haven't I heard here hundreds of times that people would rather be just a guest than a BM anyway? And I was using a DW as an example. If you're getting married in your home town but your good friend lives on the other side of the country and can't afford the flight, are you as a good friend that cares more about your friend than your vision supposed to have your wedding on the other side of the country just so this one friend can be there? That's NOT reasonable. People have limitations, even good friends, sometimes we can accommodate those things, sometimes we can't. I think this one can be accommodated down the middle, but agreeing to be in a bridal party comes with responsibility, think before you accept.

Being able to pay for a dress that costs more than $100 is not one of those responsibilities.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

It has nothing to do with being a martyr. Haven't I heard here hundreds of times that people would rather be just a guest than a BM anyway? And I was using a DW as an example. If you're getting married in your home town but your good friend lives on the other side of the country and can't afford the flight, are you as a good friend that cares more about your friend than your vision supposed to have your wedding on the other side of the country just so this one friend can be there? That's NOT reasonable. People have limitations, even good friends, sometimes we can accommodate those things, sometimes we can't. I think this one can be accommodated down the middle, but agreeing to be in a bridal party comes with responsibility, think before you accept.

No, but I would try to figure out a way to pay for her plane ticket, by either cutting back on flowers or spending a little less on my dress.

And yes, the responsibility of a BM is to purchase a dress that fits within her budget. And the responsibility of a bride is to ASK her BMs what their budgets are individually before picking a dress. So in this case it seems that the bride did not hold up her end.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

Maggie0829 said:

So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?

Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accommodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

ETA: If I was this BM, instead of just saying that $100 was too much. I'd have privately talked to my friend and said, "I can only do $X right now, I'm so sorry. Can you cover the rest right now so we can order them on time and I promise to pay you back ASAP." To me, that would be more considerate and more helpful than just saying $100 is too much.

But see, here's the thing. The BM may never be able to pay the bride back. Because if she can't afford the $100 dress now, how will she be able to afford it later if she only budgeted say $25-$50 for the dress? If the BM says her budget is $X, then the bride needs to be respectful of that and choose a dress within that budget. It's easy, it's considerate, it's a win-win.

Also, it's not really the bridesmaid's job to be considerate and helpful to your vision. You asked them to be a part of your wedding, therefore, you are considerate to them when it comes to things like budget for a dress.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

plainjane0415 said:

Also, it's not really the bridesmaid's job to be considerate and helpful to your vision. You asked them to be a part of your wedding, therefore, you are considerate to them when it comes to things like budget for a dress.

QFT. Like we always say, once you include others in your wedding day then it stops being all about you and what you want.

Butterflyz419 · January 2015

plainjane0415 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Maggie0829 said:

So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?

Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accommodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

ETA: If I was this BM, instead of just saying that $100 was too much. I'd have privately talked to my friend and said, "I can only do $X right now, I'm so sorry. Can you cover the rest right now so we can order them on time and I promise to pay you back ASAP." To me, that would be more considerate and more helpful than just saying $100 is too much.

But see, here's the thing. The BM may never be able to pay the bride back. Because if she can't afford the $100 dress now, how will she be able to afford it later if she only budgeted say $25-$50 for the dress? If the BM says her budget is $X, then the bride needs to be respectful of that and choose a dress within that budget. It's easy, it's considerate, it's a win-win.
Also, it's not really the bridesmaid's job to be considerate and helpful to your vision. You asked them to be a part of your wedding, therefore, you are considerate to them when it comes to things like budget for a dress.

I see, so BMs get to completely forget being friends to the bride and caring about what matters to her the minute you take on the title of BM. The bride is the only one who should make any accommodation. It's an honor to be asked to be a BM, but some of you forget that.

And yeah, I'd do my damnedest to pay back the bride even if that meant $5 a month for a year.

.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Maggie0829 said:

So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?

Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accommodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

ETA: If I was this BM, instead of just saying that $100 was too much. I'd have privately talked to my friend and said, "I can only do $X right now, I'm so sorry. Can you cover the rest right now so we can order them on time and I promise to pay you back ASAP." To me, that would be more considerate and more helpful than just saying $100 is too much.

But see, here's the thing. The BM may never be able to pay the bride back. Because if she can't afford the $100 dress now, how will she be able to afford it later if she only budgeted say $25-$50 for the dress? If the BM says her budget is $X, then the bride needs to be respectful of that and choose a dress within that budget. It's easy, it's considerate, it's a win-win.
Also, it's not really the bridesmaid's job to be considerate and helpful to your vision. You asked them to be a part of your wedding, therefore, you are considerate to them when it comes to things like budget for a dress.

I see, so BMs get to completely forget being friends to the bride and caring about what matters to her the minute you take on the title of BM. The bride is the only one who should make any accommodation. It's an honor to be asked to be a BM, but some of you forget that.

And yeah, I'd do my damnedest to pay back the bride even if that meant $5 a month for a year.
.

Does being friends with someone mean forgetting your own boundaries and struggling to make ends meet to afford a bridesmaids dress that you will likely only wear once? No it doesn't. Screw that.

And sure, you may do your DAMNEDEST to pay the bride back, but that doesn't mean your friend will, or that she would be able to. If you want to honor your friend by asking them to be in your wedding, respect their budget.

redoryx · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

plainjane0415 said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Maggie0829 said:

So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?

Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accommodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

ETA: If I was this BM, instead of just saying that $100 was too much. I'd have privately talked to my friend and said, "I can only do $X right now, I'm so sorry. Can you cover the rest right now so we can order them on time and I promise to pay you back ASAP." To me, that would be more considerate and more helpful than just saying $100 is too much.

But see, here's the thing. The BM may never be able to pay the bride back. Because if she can't afford the $100 dress now, how will she be able to afford it later if she only budgeted say $25-$50 for the dress? If the BM says her budget is $X, then the bride needs to be respectful of that and choose a dress within that budget. It's easy, it's considerate, it's a win-win.
Also, it's not really the bridesmaid's job to be considerate and helpful to your vision. You asked them to be a part of your wedding, therefore, you are considerate to them when it comes to things like budget for a dress.

I see, so BMs get to completely forget being friends to the bride and caring about what matters to her the minute you take on the title of BM. The bride is the only one who should make any accommodation. It's an honor to be asked to be a BM, but some of you forget that.

And yeah, I'd do my damnedest to pay back the bride even if that meant $5 a month for a year.
.

Right. In that the bride is HONORING her friends by saying to everyone else at the wedding that these are her nearest and dearest that she wants standing beside her. The honor is bestowed on the BM/MOH, not bestowed on the bride doing the asking. So, yes, the bride should make what changes she can to accomdodate the people she is honoring by asking them to stand with her.

Butterflyz419 · January 2015

You know what? Next time a friend asks me to be a BM, I'm just going to say I can't afford a dress more than $40. I mean that's not strictly true, but hey it's my money and could be spent on more worthy causes in my own life than some lame BM dress. Who cares about what my friend wants or how difficult that could make things for her. It's really all about me since she asked me to be a BM and if she raises a stink, she's automatically a bridezilla who doesn't really value my friendship and I'm the poor put upon BM. Sounds like a great plan.

Or we could realize that when we're on a tight budget we might have to say no to certain things, things like being a BM which has a cost attached to it. If my friend invites me to join her and a group of other people for dinner at XYZ restaurant and I can't afford to eat out at said restaurant, I say no, and I don't expect her to move dinner to Wendy's so I can order off the dollar menu. Doesn't make her a bad friend for not accommodating my limitation. She'd only be a bad friend if she talked shit about my lack of ability to afford it or became upset about my saying no. And I'm not a bad friend for not putting myself in financial trouble to do it, but I would be a bad friend for expecting others to jump through hoops for me.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said:

You know what? Next time a friend asks me to be a BM, I'm just going to say I can't afford a dress more than $40. I mean that's not strictly true, but hey it's my money and could be spent on more worthy causes in my own life than some lame BM dress. Who cares about what my friend wants or how difficult that could make things for her. It's really all about me since she asked me to be a BM and if she raises a stink, she's automatically a bridezilla who doesn't really value my friendship and I'm the poor put upon BM. Sounds like a great plan.

Or we could realize that when we're on a tight budget we might have to say no to certain things, things like being a BM which has a cost attached to it. If my friend invites me to join her and a group of other people for dinner at XYZ restaurant and I can't afford to eat out at said restaurant, I say no, and I don't expect her to move dinner to Wendy's so I can order off the dollar menu. Doesn't make her a bad friend for not accommodating my limitation. She'd only be a bad friend if she talked shit about my lack of ability to afford it or became upset about my saying no. And I'm not a bad friend for not putting myself in financial trouble to do it, but I would be a bad friend for expecting others to jump through hoops for me.

Jesus Christ, now you're just acting ridiculous, and petty.

Look, how you handle your finances more than likely differs from the way I handle mine, and the way your friends handle theirs. I would venture to say that most people accept the position of bridesmaid because they value their friendship with the bride. And that value should be reciprocated with the bride. A dress being over budget for a bridesmaid should not determine whether or not she is in your wedding. Which, (I'll repeat it again) is why you should ask each of your bridesmaids in private what they are comfortable spending prior to choosing a dress. Or better yet, tell them the color that you want, and have them buy one in their own budget!

Your bridesmaids are wedding guests too. So I'll repeat this nugget that has been shared here on the etiquette boards over and over again. ONCE YOU INVITE PEOPLE TO YOUR WEDDING IT STOPS BEING ABOUT YOU.

redoryx · January 2015

Butterflyz419 said: You know what? Next time a friend asks me to be a BM, I'm just going to say I can't afford a dress more than $40. I mean that's not strictly true, but hey it's my money and could be spent on more worthy causes in my own life than some lame BM dress. Who cares about what my friend wants or how difficult that could make things for her. It's really all about me since she asked me to be a BM and if she raises a stink, she's automatically a bridezilla who doesn't really value my friendship and I'm the poor put upon BM. Sounds like a great plan.
Or we could realize that when we're on a tight budget we might have to say no to certain things, things like being a BM which has a cost attached to it. If my friend invites me to join her and a group of other people for dinner at XYZ restaurant and I can't afford to eat out at said restaurant, I say no, and I don't expect her to move dinner to Wendy's so I can order off the dollar menu. Doesn't make her a bad friend for not accommodating my limitation. She'd only be a bad friend if she talked shit about my lack of ability to afford it or became upset about my saying no. And I'm not a bad friend for not putting myself in financial trouble to do it, but I would be a bad friend for expecting others to jump through hoops for me. **boxes**

**boxes**

Well. Yeah. Pretty much. Just because I may have it in my finances to spend $200 on a dress I"m only going to wear once doesn't mean I actually want to spend $200 on a dress I'm only going to wear once. So if she asks what my budget is, I'll tell her what I a comfortable spending on that dress, which may only be, say, $50 and it doesn't make me a bad friend if I'm not willing to spend an additional $150, even if my budget allows it.

mlg78 · January 2015

...and I really wish the OP would come back and answer my freaking question about the dress. Davids Bridal has a crapton on clearance right now for $29.95 so there are clearly options...

Viczaesar · January 2015

scribe95 said:

So I thought the only duty of a bridesmaid was to show up in a dress and on time? That equates to buying the dress. She should expect to spend SOMETHING. Shouldn't be a surprise.

There does not have to be a cost, actually. You can pick something that the bridesmaid already owns, such as a knee-length black dress, or something that she can borrow. If your bridesmaid truly can't afford to buy a dress and you value you her standing next to you more than you do what she's wearing when she does so there are certainly ways of making that happen at no cost to her.

I'm also of the opinion that telling your bridesmaids what to wear is a bizarre tradition anyway and wish it would end, but that's another issue altogether.

lbdlove · January 2015

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.

So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

flantastic · January 2015

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

Have you ever personally been in that situation? Do you know the kinds of decisions you're forced to make? We don't know the BM's situation, which is why we shouldn't feel able to say "She should definitely be able to shell out $100 for a dress."

Viczaesar · January 2015

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. And you know this because you're in charge, are you? Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!! If being told that what you want to do is wrong takes all the fun away, you're doing fun wrong.

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. And you know this because you're every person in the world's financial advisor? Stop projecting your financial situation on other people. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day. The hell I would. If I got engaged tomorrow I would ask my sister to be my MOH and tell her that she could wear whatever she wanted. Again, stop projecting.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so. That's a nice story, I guess, but has nothing whatsoever to do with anybody else's financial situation.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress. Bad advice.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.

Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.

Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

lbdlove · January 2015

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.
Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends.

lbdlove · January 2015

hahaha omg...No wonder why the OP stop responding. You can't say one thing without 5 people attacking you. The knot needs to fix this community ASAP. It is no longer about advice its about who can pick apart each other and "win" an argument. So sad. Peace out girls and good luck to your men.

Viczaesar · January 2015

lbdlove said:

hahaha omg...No wonder why the OP stop responding. You can't say one thing without 5 people attacking you. The knot needs to fix this community ASAP. It is no longer about advice its about who can pick apart each other and "win" an argument. So sad. Peace out girls and good luck to your men.

Or not. Don't let the door hit ya...

plainjane0415 · January 2015

lbdlove said:

hahaha omg...No wonder why the OP stop responding. You can't say one thing without 5 people attacking you. The knot needs to fix this community ASAP. It is no longer about advice its about who can pick apart each other and "win" an argument. So sad. Peace out girls and good luck to your men.

The ever popular response. We'll see ya!

artbyallie · January 2015

lbdlove said:

hahaha omg...No wonder why the OP stop responding. You can't say one thing without 5 people attacking you. The knot needs to fix this community ASAP. It is no longer about advice its about who can pick apart each other and "win" an argument. So sad. Peace out girls and good luck to your men.

Nothing posted on this thread constituted an attack. Perhaps you should familiarize yourself with what that word means.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-tools-help-center/the-knot-about-us/articles/knot-community-rules.aspx

And also perhaps check your privilege. Not everyone has 200 bucks to spend on upgrading their phone or on a wedding. That certainly doesn't mean we shouldn't be friends with them or not ask them to be in our wedding. One couple in our wedding party wouldn't have been there had we not provided them with a free place to stay. We knew that going in and took full consideration of their budget.

flantastic · January 2015

lbdlove said:

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.
Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends.

Oh Lord. If my unemployed friend needed money for a new interview outfit, then our friends would pull together and help. If she were struggling and needed money for diapers for her baby, we would pull together and help. However, the absolute non-necessity that is BRIDESMAID DRESSES should not mean that your friends need to scrape together money to spend irresponsibly. Priorities.

slothiegal · January 2015

lbdlove said:

hahaha omg...No wonder why the OP stop responding. You can't say one thing without 5 people attacking you. The knot needs to fix this community ASAP. It is no longer about advice its about who can pick apart each other and "win" an argument. So sad. Peace out girls and good luck to your men.

lbdlove · January 2015

flantastic said:

lbdlove said:

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.
Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends.

Oh Lord. If my unemployed friend needed money for a new interview outfit, then our friends would pull together and help. If she were struggling and needed money for diapers for her baby, we would pull together and help. However, the absolute non-necessity that is BRIDESMAID DRESSES should not mean that your friends need to scrape together money to spend irresponsibly. Priorities.

So your saying that making sure that your friend (the bridesmaid) and your friend (the bride) are comfortable, happy, and stress free on the day of the wedding is not a priority. Obviously the OP is stressed out and neither of them are happy. As a TRUE friend you wouldn't help out if you could? I get its not your obligation and it should not be expected out of you. Half the crap you do for friends and family is out of obligation and respect! And I get the Bride can also fork up the money to pay for the dress, but if you knew this was going on and it was an uncomfortable situation you wouldn't give your friend some money to help them out. To me that is selfish and cheap. It the biggest event of a girls life; she probably planned everything accordingly, had flowers to match, is paying a photographer to capture it all AND YOU ARE TOO CHEAP TO HELP OUT A FRIEND AND THE BRIDE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?! What comes around goes around - being a good, supportive, loving friend is a priority - so suck it up and help someone out rather then thinking about yourself.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

lbdlove said:

flantastic said:

lbdlove said:

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.
Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends.

Oh Lord. If my unemployed friend needed money for a new interview outfit, then our friends would pull together and help. If she were struggling and needed money for diapers for her baby, we would pull together and help. However, the absolute non-necessity that is BRIDESMAID DRESSES should not mean that your friends need to scrape together money to spend irresponsibly. Priorities.

So your saying that making sure that your friend (the bridesmaid) and your friend (the bride) are comfortable, happy, and stress free on the day of the wedding is not a priority. Obviously the OP is stressed out and neither of them are happy. As a TRUE friend you wouldn't help out if you could? I get its not your obligation and it should not be expected out of you. Half the crap you do for friends and family is out of obligation and respect! And I get the Bride can also fork up the money to pay for the dress, but if you knew this was going on and it was an uncomfortable situation you wouldn't give your friend some money to help them out. To me that is selfish and cheap. It the biggest event of a girls life; she probably planned everything accordingly, had flowers to match, is paying a photographer to capture it all AND YOU ARE TOO CHEAP TO HELP OUT A FRIEND AND THE BRIDE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?! What comes around goes around - being a good, supportive, loving friend is a priority - so suck it up and help someone out rather then thinking about yourself.

It wouldn't be an uncomfortable situation if you asked each of your bridesmaids in private what their budgets were. I don't see how this is a hard concept to grasp? Also, please stop referring to this situation as the bride being CHEAP. That insults the lurkers and posters on this board that actually took their friends budgets into account over their vision. Oh, and welcome back! Thought you had left us.

lbdlove · January 2015

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

flantastic said:

lbdlove said:

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.
Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends.

Oh Lord. If my unemployed friend needed money for a new interview outfit, then our friends would pull together and help. If she were struggling and needed money for diapers for her baby, we would pull together and help. However, the absolute non-necessity that is BRIDESMAID DRESSES should not mean that your friends need to scrape together money to spend irresponsibly. Priorities.

So your saying that making sure that your friend (the bridesmaid) and your friend (the bride) are comfortable, happy, and stress free on the day of the wedding is not a priority. Obviously the OP is stressed out and neither of them are happy. As a TRUE friend you wouldn't help out if you could? I get its not your obligation and it should not be expected out of you. Half the crap you do for friends and family is out of obligation and respect! And I get the Bride can also fork up the money to pay for the dress, but if you knew this was going on and it was an uncomfortable situation you wouldn't give your friend some money to help them out. To me that is selfish and cheap. It the biggest event of a girls life; she probably planned everything accordingly, had flowers to match, is paying a photographer to capture it all AND YOU ARE TOO CHEAP TO HELP OUT A FRIEND AND THE BRIDE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?! What comes around goes around - being a good, supportive, loving friend is a priority - so suck it up and help someone out rather then thinking about yourself.

It wouldn't be an uncomfortable situation if you asked each of your bridesmaids in private what their budgets were. I don't see how this is a hard concept to grasp? Also, please stop referring to this situation as the bride being CHEAP. That insults the lurkers and posters on this board that actually took their friends budgets into account over their vision. Oh, and welcome back! Thought you had left us.

First, the topic isn't about asking your bridesmaids their budget ahead of time. If it was then there wouldn't be an issue to discuss. The OP didn't do that so now she is in the situation of someone having to pay for the dress. That is why this board was created.

I don't think grasp the concept of creating a board for advice from different people....

Second, Im actually referring that you are being cheap, since you said that spending money on your friends is not worth your time. I am talking to you...my original post was for the Bride. I never called her cheap I just gave her wholesome advice and you replied to my comment for some reason - which I still don't understand why you and half of these girls part of this "knot clique" take someones advice that is meant for the OP and insist on providing your rude and annoying comments. Therefore, once again in my last message I was responding to you which is why it has quoted what YOU said. Duh.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

lbdlove said:

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

flantastic said:

lbdlove said:

plainjane0415 said:

lbdlove said:

First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving. The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day.

For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so.

I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.

This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
Your BM are your guests of honor. YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding. They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.
Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same. That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding.

And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends.

Oh Lord. If my unemployed friend needed money for a new interview outfit, then our friends would pull together and help. If she were struggling and needed money for diapers for her baby, we would pull together and help. However, the absolute non-necessity that is BRIDESMAID DRESSES should not mean that your friends need to scrape together money to spend irresponsibly. Priorities.

So your saying that making sure that your friend (the bridesmaid) and your friend (the bride) are comfortable, happy, and stress free on the day of the wedding is not a priority. Obviously the OP is stressed out and neither of them are happy. As a TRUE friend you wouldn't help out if you could? I get its not your obligation and it should not be expected out of you. Half the crap you do for friends and family is out of obligation and respect! And I get the Bride can also fork up the money to pay for the dress, but if you knew this was going on and it was an uncomfortable situation you wouldn't give your friend some money to help them out. To me that is selfish and cheap. It the biggest event of a girls life; she probably planned everything accordingly, had flowers to match, is paying a photographer to capture it all AND YOU ARE TOO CHEAP TO HELP OUT A FRIEND AND THE BRIDE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?! What comes around goes around - being a good, supportive, loving friend is a priority - so suck it up and help someone out rather then thinking about yourself.

It wouldn't be an uncomfortable situation if you asked each of your bridesmaids in private what their budgets were. I don't see how this is a hard concept to grasp? Also, please stop referring to this situation as the bride being CHEAP. That insults the lurkers and posters on this board that actually took their friends budgets into account over their vision. Oh, and welcome back! Thought you had left us.

First, the topic isn't about asking your bridesmaids their budget ahead of time. If it was then there wouldn't be an issue to discuss. The OP didn't do that so now she is in the situation of someone having to pay for the dress. That is why this board was created.
I don't think grasp the concept of creating a board for advice from different people....

Second, Im actually referring that you are being cheap, since you said that spending money on your friends is not worth your time. I am talking to you...my original post was for the Bride. I never called her cheap I just gave her wholesome advice and you replied to my comment for some reason - which I still don't understand why you and half of these girls part of this "knot clique" take someones advice that is meant for the OP and insist on providing your rude and annoying comments. Therefore, once again in my last message I was responding to you which is why it has quoted what YOU said. Duh.

Right, if the OP had asked her bridesmaid's budget ahead of time there wouldn't be this discussion. We post that over and over on topics like this so that lurkers understand that this is what could happen if you don't ask for budgets ahead of time. Thus the reason for it being repeated in this thread.

And, if you're going to continue to let your privledge show, that's cool, you can call me cheap, I don't really care. I am pretty economical, and I'm proud of it. If I were having bridesmaids in my wedding, (which I'm not by the way, gasp!) I would make sure that my guests of honor were treated like guests of honor, and not struggling to be a part of my wedding because of some stupid dress they may only wear once. That is the meaning of a true friend, in my opinion.

FTR, I can comment on/to whoever I would like.

Bridesmaid Dilemma or Not?

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