Should my parents contribute?

2ndtimejenn · January 2015

I am recently engaged and trying to plan our wedding. This is my second wedding but my first wedding I eloped. Now that I have found the man I was supposed to be with all along, we are going to have a proper wedding. I have gone dress shopping, started looking at locations, and trying to figure out the little details. Yet during all of this something is missing, my parents. They have shown zero interest in helping to plan anything. They haven't stated if they are going to contribute monetarily at all or even given an opinion when I showed them pictures of dresses I like. I have taken my mother with me dress shopping and she just sits there in silence or makes remarks about other women trying on dresses. Isn't the things I am wanting, part of their roles as my parents?

Viczaesar · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

I am recently engaged and trying to plan our wedding. This is my second wedding but my first wedding I eloped. Now that I have found the man I was supposed to be with all along, we are going to have a proper wedding. I have gone dress shopping, started looking at locations, and trying to figure out the little details. Yet during all of this something is missing, my parents. They have shown zero interest in helping to plan anything. They haven't stated if they are going to contribute monetarily at all or even given an opinion when I showed them pictures of dresses I like. I have taken my mother with me dress shopping and she just sits there in silence or makes remarks about other women trying on dresses. Isn't the things I am wanting, part of their roles as my parents?

No, your parents shouldn't contribute. Nobody should contribute other than you and your FI, the two people who are getting married. Their roles as the parents of the two people getting married are whatever they want them to be.

nhultberg461 · January 2015

I'm also getting married for a second time as I also eloped, but I am not expecting my parents to help with the expenses. I'm including my mom step mom, grams, my daughter and two bridesmaid with dress shopping, but overall I'm planning in my fiancé and I to be paying for it all on our own.

YourDogDontKnowSit · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said: I am recently engaged and trying to plan our wedding. This is my second wedding but my first wedding I eloped. Now that I have found the man I was supposed to be with all along, we are going to have a proper wedding. I have gone dress shopping, started looking at locations, and trying to figure out the little details. Yet during all of this something is missing, my parents. They have shown zero interest in helping to plan anything. They haven't stated if they are going to contribute monetarily at all or even given an opinion when I showed them pictures of dresses I like. I have taken my mother with me dress shopping and she just sits there in silence or makes remarks about other women trying on dresses. Isn't the things I am wanting, part of their roles as my parents?

If you've already been married and divorced I'm assuming you can't be that young where you'd seriously think your parents have to contribute to your party?

*not to say that parents should contribute at any age - just a mindset of thinking you're entitled to that money seems rather immature*

STARMOON44 · January 2015

Ha! Nope! And quite possibly they're just really not up for lavishing attention on you as you make a lifetime commitment for the second time. It's great you've found happiness but your parents don't owe you anything.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

No one is supposed to pay for your wedding except you and your FI. Not your parents, not his parents. Just y'all. It would be wayyy outside etiquette standards to ask anyone else for money. Just plan on what y'all can afford. If they offer money down the mine, upgrade a couple things.

As far as them expressing interest, I'm sorry you don't feel they're interested. Maybe they're just happy for the decision and they're not into all the wedding industry hype. Not everyone is. If it continues to hurt your feelings, just stop talking to them and get excited about details with your FI.

2ndtimejenn · January 2015

To a couple of the replies, Thanks for all the negativity.

I was just looking for simple advice on how I was feeling. Just joined the forum a few hours ago, and now I am truly regretting it. Was naïve to think that this forum would be full of positive women.

To the few positive women, thank you for giving me alternative ideas.

lyndausvi · January 2015

I understand why you might be disappointed in your parent's enthusiasm. Do your parents not like your FI?

That said, they are under no obligation to contribute to the wedding. Regardless of your age or if you have or have not been married before.

My MIL didn't contribute to the wedding. She didn't go shopping with us or helped with the planning or anything. Didn't mean she wasn't excited about the wedding.

2ndtimejenn · January 2015

They love my FI. My mother has been waiting for this proposal for 4 years and was adamant that we have a big wedding. My brothers also eloped so this the first wedding they will get to participate in. I think I am just confused on what to do now. I am expected to have a large (250+ guests) reception, as per my parent's requests for all of their friends and family, but they have just become completely mute.

Cookie Pusher · January 2015

Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford. Don't count on anyone else for money unless it's already in your hands/bank account. Any money that you may receive in the future can be used to upgrade things or be added to your future savings.

Our parents showed zero interest in our wedding either. In fact, my mother was downright insulting about some things and DH's father did not want to hear anything about our wedding until SIL's wedding was over (a year before ours, we had a long engagement). Did it suck? Yea, but people here will tell you: no one cares as much about your wedding as you and your FI.

mikenberger · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

They love my FI. My mother has been waiting for this proposal for 4 years and was adamant that we have a big wedding. My brothers also eloped so this the first wedding they will get to participate in. I think I am just confused on what to do now. I am expected to have a large (250+ guests) reception, as per my parent's requests for all of their friends and family, but they have just become completely mute.

If they're not giving you money, they get no say. In anything. At all. On any subject. Ever. In the history of your wedding planning.

It's a bummer that your parents aren't more giving of their attention for your wedding but that's okay! It's a day for you to focus on your future husband and what you two want for your wedding. Plan the wedding that you two can afford and want to have. Never count or expect any money from anybody. Hell, it's easier when you don't have money from outside sources. I'm dealing with my mom/stepdad, dad, FMIL/FFIL. And my FI. My FI and I have to find a happy medium in all the things we plan because, while we are SUPER thrilled/grateful/thankful/happy, that our parents gave cash towards our wedding, their opinion counts. A lot. And they all gave the same amount so they could have equal say. Trixy parents.

It's no wonder why I drink.

Viczaesar · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

To a couple of the replies, Thanks for all the negativity.
I was just looking for simple advice on how I was feeling. Just joined the forum a few hours ago, and now I am truly regretting it. Was naïve to think that this forum would be full of positive women.
To the few positive women, thank you for giving me alternative ideas.

Oh believe me, I was very positive when I responded to your post. You asked if they should contribute. I answered you. You asked what their roles should be. I told you what their roles should be. Where's the problem?

mlg78 · January 2015

Can you have a chat with mom about her lack of excitement? Even parents who aren't contributing financially usually are at least excited to see their daughter dress shopping for the wedding if they're thrilled about the engagement happening. Keep in mind, nobody is going to be as excited as you but I'd also be really bummed if my mom acted this way.

JCbride2015 · January 2015

Dittio Cookie Pusher. Plan the wedding you and your Fi want and can afford. If your parents want to help financially or otherwise, they will let you know. It's presumptuous to assume they want to and are able to help; and on the other side of the coin, it's presumptuous of them to dictate choices for your wedding when they are not helping.

Yes, it can be disappointing. I've gone through similar issues with my parents. Some parents are just not super into weddings. They may not have the money to assist, or they may simply not want to. That's their choice and totally valid. Neither of my parents have given a cent, and my dad has been openly critical of some of our choices. But you know what? That also means I don't have to do whether want. We are free to plan the wedding that we can afford and makes us happy. There really is a certain freedom in that. Try to embrace it.

apromise22 · January 2015

I'm sorry your parents haven't shown any enthusiasm about your wedding. I think you should tell your mom that it'd mean a lot to you if she showed more interest in your planning. As others have said though, do not ask for money. I might say though, "We have a budget for X number of guests, which means unfortunately we won't be able to invite everyone we'd like."

Jen4948 · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:
I am recently engaged and trying to plan our wedding. This is my second wedding but my first wedding I eloped. Now that I have found the man I was supposed to be with all along, we are going to have a proper wedding. I have gone dress shopping, started looking at locations, and trying to figure out the little details. Yet during all of this something is missing, my parents. They have shown zero interest in helping to plan anything. They haven't stated if they are going to contribute monetarily at all or even given an opinion when I showed them pictures of dresses I like. I have taken my mother with me dress shopping and she just sits there in silence or makes remarks about other women trying on dresses. Isn't the things I am wanting, part of their roles as my parents?

No, it really isn't part of their roles as your parents to give opinions on your wedding or, for, actually, anything else.

Yes, it's possible that their silence is their passive-aggressive way of getting back at you for eloping the first time you were married (or it isn't). Yes, it's hurtful that they're not enthusiastic. But maybe they're just not into weddings or event planning, or they're doing the "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" routine and have nothing nice to say.

You can say to them, "Mom, Dad, it would really mean a lot to me to hear your opinions about my wedding plans, so I'd appreciate it if you'd speak up rather than remain silent. . But there's no guarantee that it will help. Your best course of action is just to plan and pay for everything on your own without any contributions, financial or opinions, from them.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

They love my FI. My mother has been waiting for this proposal for 4 years and was adamant that we have a big wedding. My brothers also eloped so this the first wedding they will get to participate in. I think I am just confused on what to do now. I am expected to have a large (250+ guests) reception, as per my parent's requests for all of their friends and family, but they have just become completely mute.

To the bolded - if they aren't contributing they get no say in this. They can request stuff until they're blue in the face and you can say "thanks for the suggestion" and do whatever you want. That's the glory of paying for your own wedding - you don't have to answer to anyone except yourself. If they do contribute/you accept any offers, they get a say. That's not to say they could give you $1,000 and then invite 250 people. Their contribution has to match up with what they want. You see what I mean here....

I'll use myself as an example. My parents gave us a chunk of change. My H's parents did not contribute to the wedding at all. My parents asked for about 6 additional people not already on the guest list to be invited. We said "no problem". My H's parents asked for about 50 additional people. We said "sorry, we cannot afford to host these additional people". At that point, if they wanted to contribute to pay for their additional guests, they could have. But they didn't, so those people weren't invited.

indianaalum · January 2015

Even if WE would say "yes, they should have absolutely contribute". How on earth would that matter? We can't seem to possible force them to pay anyhow, so this is a wasted thread.

but just for the record, no, it is YOUR job to pay for your wedding.

I am sorry your parents aren't showing intersested in you getting married. I can understand how that would be hurtful.

marie2785 · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

They love my FI. My mother has been waiting for this proposal for 4 years and was adamant that we have a big wedding. My brothers also eloped so this the first wedding they will get to participate in. I think I am just confused on what to do now. I am expected to have a large (250+ guests) reception, as per my parent's requests for all of their friends and family, but they have just become completely mute.

I agree with other posters--you must have a very honest, and blunt conversation with your parents. You and your FI need to talk about budget, and explore a couple venues to see what budget you can afford. Let your parents know, and say that therefor, your guest list is XX people. If they feel strongly that additional people must come, than any costs above your budget must be covered by them. If they can't handle that, then sadly, you can't invite those people since you should not take on debt for the wedding.

I went through this with my parents. Originally, they thought a small contribution would be plenty and allow them to invite my entire extended family and their friends (an additional 75-100 ppl). After some exploration, we realized the wedding we could afford with our money and my parents original contribution was a catered backyard bbq with immediate family only and a few close friends. So my parents had to make a decision--fork over more cash, or not be able to invite their family and friends.

So at the end, they discussed it, and are now probably paying for 3/4ths of my wedding since they decided they wanted to invite all of these people, and it was important enough for them to pay a decent sum of money. This does mean though I have had to allow them alot more of a say in certain things like venue choice and location, flowers, and what alcohol is served (she who pays, has a say...).

badbnagdway · January 2015

I can see why it would be disappointing for your parents to seem uninterested in your wedding, but as everyone else has said, they do not have any obligation to pay for it. They also do not get to dictate the size or grandeur of your wedding and not pay for it.

levioosa · January 2015

No one is required to pay for ANY wedding (first, second, third, twentieth) except you and your FI. That being said, if your parents are not contributing, then they don't get a say. If they want a 300 person wedding but are not contributing, then that's too bad for them. Have the wedding you can afford. It's not worth going into debt for a huge wedding.

I'm sorry they aren't more excited about the wedding, but that's how life is sometimes. No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. But, as a possibility, could your Mom be upset about being left out the first time around? Are your parents normally passive aggressive?

teddygirl9 · January 2015

When she asked should they 'contribute', I dont think she meant JUST monetarily. I think she meant emotionally as well. So yes, I think they should contribute (non-monetarily), and be excited for you, but you certainly can't force them to. I'm sorry you aren't getting the reaction you wanted, I can totally understand why you'd be disapointed. I would take someone else shopping with you, and find another friend or your FI to discuss exciting details with. Congrats!

2ndtimejenn · January 2015

Thanks Teddygirl9

You hit the nail on the head from my original post. Everyone keeps focusing on the monetary part when I think most of it, is the emotional support that I am needing. I just moved a few months ago to an area where I know no one, so I was really relying on my parents to be a support system. Thanks for your positive comments.

AddieCake · January 2015

Have you asked your parents why they seem so detached and uninterested?

SP29 · January 2015

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling alone in the process. Have you talked to your parent's about it?

My mom was super involved, my dad not so much, but I still knew he was supportive and whenever I asked his opinion, he gave it. I can see if you didn't have that, how it would make you feel.

So I suggest to talk to them first. Beyond that, not much you can do except receive the support from FI. What about your close friends? Even if you've moved away, they can still be a part of your experiences. My MOH lives half way across the country from me, we still talked about stuff and she helped with advice and ideas.

But I did want to add- if you and FI are funding the entire wedding, your parents do not get to make demands of you. Plan the wedding you can afford, the wedding you want (if you don't want 250 guests, then don't invite 250 people!).

2ndtimejenn · January 2015

I have talked to my parents about it. For us it isn't about what we can afford (money isn't an issue), it is rather, what we want to spend. I think all of us get an idea of what we want our wedding to look like and our budgets reflect that. To take the guest list from 50 people to 250 people is just going to take away from what I pictured as my perfect day. I think one of the reasons my parents have been standoffish is because they want this huge wedding for all of their friends/family to experience what our original 50 would have. I think their expectation for us to spend 6 figures on a wedding is ridiculous.

I only have a couple friends and sadly they live all over the US. While it is great to have them to reach by phone, I think part of the enjoyment would to have someone in person. I try not to be a Debbie downer but going dress shopping alone, is ZERO fun, especially when stores are full of support systems for other brides.

Thanks for all your comments and advice. I think this is just going to end up being a my way or the highway scenario and who knows, maybe doing this alone will make my day that much better.

larrygaga · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

To a couple of the replies, Thanks for all the negativity.
I was just looking for simple advice on how I was feeling. Just joined the forum a few hours ago, and now I am truly regretting it. Was naïve to think that this forum would be full of positive women.
To the few positive women, thank you for giving me alternative ideas.

Would you also like your ass wiped while we spew out all of the advice you actually want us to say?

You knew what the answer was coming in here.

Here is a website where they will kiss your ass and tell you all the lies you want us to say to you.

http://www.weddingbee.com/

I'm sorry, am I too negative?

CMGragain · January 2015

No one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.

Lots of brides find that their family is not excited about their upcoming wedding. My own mother refused to go dress shopping with me, and was very negative until she found HER dress. I planned my own wedding, trying to please both families, which was not possible. I should have just gone with what I really wanted, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to marry my FI and move 1000 miles away from them all. It worked.

Relax. They don't have to contribute, and they don't have to be excited. I do hope that you and your FI are paying for your own wedding? Honestly, that is the best way. You can choose what you want without bowing to pressure from relatives.

redoryx · January 2015

2ndtimejenn said:

I have talked to my parents about it. For us it isn't about what we can afford (money isn't an issue), it is rather, what we want to spend. I think all of us get an idea of what we want our wedding to look like and our budgets reflect that. To take the guest list from 50 people to 250 people is just going to take away from what I pictured as my perfect day. I think one of the reasons my parents have been standoffish is because they want this huge wedding for all of their friends/family to experience what our original 50 would have. I think their expectation for us to spend 6 figures on a wedding is ridiculous.
I only have a couple friends and sadly they live all over the US. While it is great to have them to reach by phone, I think part of the enjoyment would to have someone in person. I try not to be a Debbie downer but going dress shopping alone, is ZERO fun, especially when stores are full of support systems for other brides.
Thanks for all your comments and advice. I think this is just going to end up being a my way or the highway scenario and who knows, maybe doing this alone will make my day that much better.

But that's the benefit in paying for it yourself -- you have complete control over the budget and the guest list and the vendors, etc. They can give their opinions all day long but at the end of that day, you and your FI have the only opinion that matters and if you want a 50 person guest list then have a 50 person guest list. But know that if they do start contributing financially you will have to concede some of that control so if your small wedding is important to you than I would just stick to that and pay for it yourself and if they do offer to contribute, decline the money.

cakemurderer · January 2015

I'm so sorry your mom isn't more enthusiastic about the process. I didn't even bother going dress shopping for my first wedding because I couldn't face the thought of going alone since I had no friends of family here at the time, so I completely understand why you want her to be an enthusiastic part of that and every process. I hope you're able to talk to her about that, assuming it's not all about her vision vs. yours and what your budget can handle.

I agree that it's probably much easier to pay for your own wedding yourself, so consider it a blessing if she can't contribute. Be polite but firm when you explain what your budget allows you to do for your wedding. Try not to let her lack of enthusiasm or her different vision get you down while you plan the wedding of your dreams!

Maggie0829 · January 2015

So your parents are upset because you won't spend a shit ton of money so that THEY can have the wedding they envision for you and to show off for their friends. Sorry but your parents sound very immature. They are irritated that they aren't getting what they want which is probably why they aren't acting enthused. If they really wanted you to have this grand wedding so that they can impress their friends then they would be footing the bill.

It sucks that your parents are acting the way they are, but in the end this is your and your FI wedding and you two need to be happy with what is being planned. Your parents will either wake up and realize that they have been acting like selfish brats or they will continue to brood and miss out on something fun and exciting.

Should my parents contribute?

Re: Should my parents contribute?

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