Preparing the groom

dcbride86 · January 2015

I always joke about how I'm going to have to give FI an itinerary for the day because he loves to (jokingly) say "what day are we getting married again?" "okay, so I can play golf until 30 minutes before the ceremony, right?" He loves thinking he's funny.

But then I read the post. And OMG you're serious. You actually want to "prepare" him. Like a piece of property. You know he's you're equal, right? He's not your property. You don't prepare him.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2015

So I don't know if this will help, but when my SO and I started dating he was very skinny. It was because he has a ton of issues with his stomach and around the time we started dating his stomach was really reacting poorly so he lost a lot of weight.

Over the past 9-10 months he has gained weight and I am so happy about that! It means that his stomach is starting to function a little better . . . but then he and I both observed we have not been eating as healthy as we would like. So we sat down and discussed cutting back how much we ate and what we ate. Also, opting for a healthier diet will be good for his stomach as well as mine (I have similar issues but not as severe). So we've started eating less processed foods and eating out less. I already feel great and he and I have been even more active!

This had to be a joint decision though and it was to improve our lifestyle, not how pictures looked. I'm more concerned with my boyfriend being healthy and in less pain then what he'll look like in pictures for a wedding . . .though it probably doesn't help that I think he looks sexy and so handsome all the time, so I guess I wouldn't be concerned about photos.

But if you are concerned about his health, I suggest making a plan for a healthy diet and improvement of living. Also working alongside him and encouraging him. Pictures, meh. I'd rather have a happy boyfriend then memorable pictures that constantly remind me and him of how I was unhappy with his appearance and he in turn was unhappy with my response. Hope that helps.

mileybangerz · January 2015

Usually people like you say this to the regs, but in this case I think it's appropriate the other way around.

I feel sorry for your FI.

pinkcow13 · January 2015

Wow I did not read the whitening part at first. To answer your question, you can't tell him that he needs to lose weight or whiten his teeth without coming off like a jerk. FI is at his heavy weight. If he doesn't lose the weight before the wedding, I don't care.

A few years ago, FI was in a car accident, and as a result he was very anxious, and was not able to work out due to his injuries. He gained a lot of weight, he was the heaviest he had ever been. I didn't tell him he needed to lose weight, but when he was unhappy with his size and wanted to lose the weight, I helped and encouraged him. I could not imagine telling him, "Hey babe, we're going on vacation in a few months. You need to lose 20 pounds before we go. Oh, and whiten your teeth."

KeptInStitches · January 2015

Holy cow. I have no words for you, OP.

The conversation my FI and I had the other day was akin to "Hon, I'm so proud of you - you've worked so hard over the last several years to get healthier, and that means I'm going to have you in my life longer (probably). Would you help me get healthier, too?"

Note how this had NOTHING, ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH to do with wedding pictures, his attractiveness to me, or my attractiveness to him.

larrygaga · January 2015

Here- I'll share my weight/FI story.

FI used to be so, so thin. He has celiacs and crohn's disease. He is 6'3 and weighed about 130 in high school when he was first diagnosed. They didn't know much about these diseases at the time and wasn't sure what he could eat. He weighed less than I did in high school. We have since found out what he can eat and now he weights like 80 pounds more. He is very athletic, so he only has a teeny bit of body fat. I love seeing his body fat, because it means he isn't dying anymore. His teeny tiny itty bitty tummy poking out reminds me that I still get to marry someone ten years later.

Just as women shouldn't be forced to be a certain weight, neither should men. Ten pounds is like nothing for either gender.

loveislouder · January 2015

I'm a big girl and if my FI ever told me to lose weight for our wedding I'd slap him and say "what wedding." He loves me for me and that's what is important. The other day I told him I felt fat and he said "You know what babe? You're beautiful." That's what's important.

arrippa · January 2015

MagicInk said:

The title of this thread made me think about preparing the groom to like...cook and eat him. Like prepare the meat. Prepare the groom.

I was a bride. I did not diet, whiten my teeth, set a goal weight, work out everyday, live on celery, get lipo, get my fat frozen, get botox or anything else I have been told by the wedding industrial complex I must do to look good on my wedding day. Cause bitch I'm already fabulous.

There is nothing your groom, or you, must do prior to the wedding to prepare for the wedding regarding how you look. Your future husband is happy with the way he looks. Good for him. Either you live with that or you need to reconsider marriage.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

My H didn't even shave for our wedding. He and I are both fairly healthy but have gained a little bit of weight over the years. Neither of us lost weight for the wedding and when I look at the pictures, I see us. Not some beautiful fake interpretation of us, just us. Which is what I want to see. I don't want to see some thin guy who looks like my husband, I want to see my husband, the size he usually is. I wore my hair down because my hair is usually down and didn't tan or anything like that because my H wanted the same thing. The only thing he said when I asked him about my hair, makeup or dress was that he wanted me to look like me.

Edited to fix a typo.

wrigleyville · January 2015

The teeth whitening is a non-issue when it comes to pictures. Most photographers whiten teeth in photographs. It's super easy to do when editing photos. I do it to ours all the time. It takes me about three seconds in Photoshop.

As far as the weight thing, he isn't worried about the pictures, so stop projecting your insecurities onto him.

I was very heavy when H and I started dating. I lost weight over the years, but I still display some of our older photos in frames. I don't regret anything. I don't look at the pictures and wish I'd looked better. I see a happy couple enjoying a happy memory, and it makes me smile. The memory and photo aren't ruined because I was nearly 200 pounds heavier. It's still me, and it's still H. The weight doesn't change that.

KatWAG · January 2015

mileybangerz said:

Usually people like you say this to the regs, but in this case I think it's appropriate the other way around.

I feel sorry for your FI.

abbyj700 · January 2015

With the title of this thread...all I could think of was this...

lyndausvi · January 2015

congrats on the weight loss. It's great accomplishment.

Now ask yourself, how would you react if your FI told you to loss weight in order to look better for the pictures?

You of all people should understand that people don't loss weight because loved ones tell them they need to loss weight. Actually often the opposite happens, they often gain weight.

People lose weight when they are ready on their own. That is true whether they need to lose 5 or 500 lbs.

peachy13 · January 2015

Imagine if your FI approached hundreds of internet strangers and asked how he could persuade you to lose weight and get "wedding ready" in 3 months. You would be livid.

MegEn1 · January 2015

I'll add something else - my FI asks me to look for flaws on him because he doesn't notice them. Like he has this little thin pale stray hair that grows out of his temple, below his hairline. He asks me to keep an eye on it so he can deal with it each time it grows back because he doesn't notice it. Of course, I had to be the first person to say 'Hey you have a stray hair here, want me to deal with it?' but since then he's asked me to be on patrol.

I agree with everyone that the way you're phrased your question is seriously wrong, that if roles were reversed we'd be calling him every name in the book and so that doesn't excuse your behavior. You have to look at your FI every day for the rest of your life, so you need to be down with how he looks now AND how much worse he'll look as he gains weight and gets wrinkly and loses hair. Come to Jesus about that before you do anything else.

However, if your FI is like mine, simply ask - hey, I'm picking up some crest whitening strips ahead of the wedding for my teeth. Want me to grab some for you or are you good?

If he says he's good, dude is good and you go do your thing.

MegEn1 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

congrats on the weight loss. It's great accomplishment.

Now ask yourself, how would you react if your FI told you to loss weight in order to look better for the pictures?

You of all people should understand that people don't loss weight because loved ones tell them they need to loss weight. Actually often the opposite happens, they often gain weight.

People lose weight when they are ready on their own. That is true whether they need to lose 5 or 500 lbs.

Also yes. I've been fat my whole life and every time someone 'who loved me' pointed it out 'for my own good' (cause you know, I didn't realize before you told me GEE THANKS!) it made me hate myself and believe I wasn't worthy of being healthy. Only when I found my zen and accept my looks did I realize "Hey I can do better and I deserve to be healthier." So I cannot stress enough that you need to step off other peoples' weight.

sarawifenow · January 2015

This is MUD right? Please tell me that someone doesn't really think like this.

VulgarGirl · January 2015

sarawifenow said:

This is MUD right? Please tell me that someone doesn't really think like this.

I looked up her posting history. She joined February of 2011, and this is the first and only post she's ever made and has never replied to any other post either.

I'm willing to call MUD.

sarawifenow · January 2015

MagicInk said:

sarawifenow said:

This is MUD right? Please tell me that someone doesn't really think like this.

I looked up her posting history. She joined February of 2011, and this is the first and only post she's ever made and has never replied to any other post either.

I'm willing to call MUD.

And so it has been called.

slothiegal · January 2015

loveislouder said:
I'm a big girl and if my FI ever told me to lose weight for our wedding I'd slap him and say "what wedding." He loves me for me and that's what is important. The other day I told him I felt fat and he said "You know what babe? You're beautiful." That's what's important.

Amen. A couple weeks ago, I had a total meltdown. I was looking at wedding pics and could only focus on how chubby my face was, my food baby poking out my dress, all the bad stuff. I was all worked up.

slothieguy looked me straight in the eye and said, "I love you. All of you. Even the parts of you that you don't like."

I can't even imagine how DEVASTATED I would be if he said, "yeah, you're right. You really should have prepared yourself better for our pictures.".

arrippa · January 2015

sarawifenow said:

This is MUD right? Please tell me that someone doesn't really think like this.

This might be MUD but I do know people who act like this. I have seen it in person and it's more disgusting than reading it here. It also backfires in a blaze of food and alcohol fueled glory.

sarawifenow · January 2015

arrippa said:

sarawifenow said:

This is MUD right? Please tell me that someone doesn't really think like this.

This might be MUD but I do know people who act like this. I have seen it in person and it's more disgusting than reading it here. It also backfires in a blaze of food and alcohol fueled glory.

I hate people sometimes.

tcnoble · January 2015

katelyn0310 said:

This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life.

I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was.

Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple.

I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again.

As someone who is on the other side (your FIs) of this, I can tell you how to do it.

You don't.

My FI has lost almost 60lbs since we got engaged. He wanted to commit to being healthy, and he wanted to look smokin hot on our wedding day. Great for him!

I've lost 20 from my heaviest, and while he goes to the gym religiously every day, I come home and watch Netflix. I'm not gaining weight, but I'm not losing it. I want to look good on my wedding day - and I'm fine with how I look. I've always been curvy. I'm 5'10". I'm 210lbs but I rock my curves. I'm confident. I like it.

If my FI told me I needed to start "getting wedding ready" and lose weight, I would be livid and hurt. You can't change how he feels about himself, and you shouldn't try. I know you have truly good intentions, but this isn't an area where that really matters.

Jen4948 · January 2015

The only person whose appearance you can control on your wedding day is you. There is no polite way to tell anyone, including your FI, to lose weight or to get their teeth whitened to look good in photos. There are more important things than whether anyone looks good in a wedding photo.

mrsdee15 · January 2015

Agree with PPs, don't tell him he needs to lose weight.

A personal story: I had some depression issues in my last year of college, and ended up gaining somewhere around 30 lbs. When I graduated about seven years ago, I came home and lived with my parents for about two months. My mom has always been focused on appearance (getting plastic surgery, making sure I wear the right makeup, and so on). While I lived with them, several mornings she would sit down on my bed and say I needed to lose weight because I'd gotten too heavy and she wanted me to be healthy. It was to the point where I would sit and cry in my room. I met with a nutritionist, not because I wanted to go on any crazy diets, but because I needed to learn to cook and learn basic nutrition (which led me to gaining weight in the first place).

The weight came off, and I've been at a completely healthy weight ever since then. I've always had issues with how I look, but now, every single day (and for significant amounts of time) I think about my weight. Every. Damn. Day. Some days it gets so bad that I become afraid to eat because of calories. I've been in and out of therapy for body issues, especially because I love food so much and it becomes a vicious eating/guilt cycle sometimes.

The moral of the story is this: I know my mom meant it in a helpful way. She wanted me to be healthy. But the damage of her telling me I needed to lose weight went so far past the time it took to lose the weight. Even though your FI says he's happy at this weight, your telling him he needs to lose it could not only hurt his confidence, it could affect him in a serious psychological way.

These are photos you're talking about. The pictures have no bearing on your actual relationship, they just show what happened over the course of one day.

As a sidenote, FI always talks about how he's gained weight since we first started dating. I honestly do not notice whether he has or not. I still love him either way, no matter his size.

sophhabobopha · January 2015

If someone told me to change my apperance for picture's sake, I would not marry them. Just support him, yellow teeth and all!

bethsmiles · January 2015

I've gained about 60lbs since SO and I started dating 6 years ago. Weight loss has really been a struggle for me but I've been making progress and he has been so amazingly supportive. He always tells me how beautiful I am and that all he wants is for me to see that I'm beautiful too.

If he told me I needed to lose weight for the wedding because of pictures, there would be no wedding.

kmmssg · January 2015

katelyn0310 said:
This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life.

I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was.

Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple.

I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again.

Looks like I am stuck in the box.

I am having a hard time figuring out how he can be in the military and not getting any exercise and ballooning to great proportions. The military usually deals with that. I have no words for how I would feel if my husband would have told me what you told him. Your OP said you didn't want to sound like a bridezilla but you were NOT talking about his health, you explicitly discussed appearance in the photos and how you didn't want him to hate how he looked in them. Nice try.

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

kmmssg said:

This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life.

I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was.

Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple.

I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again.
Looks like I am stuck in the box. I am having a hard time figuring out how he can be in the military and not getting any exercise and ballooning to great proportions. The military usually deals with that. I have no words for how I would feel if my husband would have told me what you told him. Your OP said you didn't want to sound like a bridezilla but you were NOT talking about his health, you explicitly discussed appearance in the photos and how you didn't want him to hate how he looked in them. Nice try.

I found the bolded odd too. At one point I thought maybe he had gained weight from being in the military, but weight in muscles. But continuing reading, I doubt that's what it was.

flutteringinfl · January 2015

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

kmmssg said:

This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life.

I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was.

Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple.

I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again.
Looks like I am stuck in the box. I am having a hard time figuring out how he can be in the military and not getting any exercise and ballooning to great proportions. The military usually deals with that. I have no words for how I would feel if my husband would have told me what you told him. Your OP said you didn't want to sound like a bridezilla but you were NOT talking about his health, you explicitly discussed appearance in the photos and how you didn't want him to hate how he looked in them. Nice try.

I found the bolded odd too. At one point I thought maybe he had gained weight from being in the military, but weight in muscles. But continuing reading, I doubt that's what it was.

FI has a friend who got kicked out of the army because he couldn't keep up with the physical requirements and his weight ballooned. But if that were the case with OP's FI, there would be much bigger issues than "looking nice for pictures."

Preparing the groom

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