A little bit creeped out-- Update (conundrum)

lurkergirl · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

mrsk616 said:

my FI co worked said he liked me to my FI and my FI and i are both creeped out by this. guy is an older foreign guy who barely speaks english and we ourselves can barely pronounce his name.

yes that is creepy.

Does that somehow make it grosser? Is being hit on by a young American named John less stressful?

Yeah, WTF kind of statement is that?

MegEn1 · January 2015

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

novella1186 · January 2015

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

I know what you mean. I didn't want to be the bitch who makes a big scene, and I understood that he was drunk and just making a complete ass of himself so I was trying to just brush it off. But when he got grabby and I got uncomfortable, it was no longer a drunk guy acting like a fool. It crossed the line. And I didn't do much; just pushed him away and avoided him. So I could have done more. In fact, if he were some random dude in a bar I probably would've punched him.

Maybe it's not right for me to have a double-standard like that. To me, it was just an unfortunate, tricky, and uncomfortable situation because of the circumstances. Bleh.

Kauris · January 2015

Just think of all those boundaries you've been drawing lately with your family and apply them here. He made YOU uncomfortable with his gross behavior. He shouldn't be invited in my opinion and that is a boundary that you and your FI can stand behind. ANDalsoPLUS if FI's friend questions this, then it is easy to explain by your FI, "Well, you know when Tom gets really drunk, which is often, he says and does inappropriate things. One night those were directed at novella, so we decided it would be best not to invite trouble. Plus she doesn't want to have to put a guy in an arm bar at the wedding!"

novella1186 · January 2015

kasmith1 said:

Just think of all those boundaries you've been drawing lately with your family and apply them here. He made YOU uncomfortable with his gross behavior. He shouldn't be invited in my opinion and that is a boundary that you and your FI can stand behind. ANDalsoPLUS if FI's friend questions this, then it is easy to explain by your FI, "Well, you know when Tom gets really drunk, which is often, he says and does inappropriate things. One night those were directed at novella, so we decided it would be best not to invite trouble. Plus she doesn't want to have to put a guy in an arm bar at the wedding!"

For some reason this post just made me think of something else; even if Tom does leave me alone at the wedding, what if he gets creepy with other female guests? I would feel awful to find out that one of my friends or relatives was made to feel uncomfortable cuz Tom drank too much and acted like an ass again. I should bring that up to FI when we talk about it. I don't think it's fair to our guests to invite someone who seems likely to be creepy to them.

ashley8918 · January 2015

lurkergirl said:

KatieinBkln said:

mrsk616 said:

my FI co worked said he liked me to my FI and my FI and i are both creeped out by this. guy is an older foreign guy who barely speaks english and we ourselves can barely pronounce his name.

yes that is creepy.

Does that somehow make it grosser? Is being hit on by a young American named John less stressful?

Yeah, WTF kind of statement is that?

I'm super interested in the answer here. Why does old and foreign with an ethnic name = creepier?

VulgarGirl · January 2015

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

I once watched a video of a woman giving some kind of talk. I can't remember who it was or what it was exactly about but she talked about how women feel guilt. How we are trained, from a young age, by our society to feel guilty when things go wrong. Even things we have no control over. She used the example that when she came up to start speaking, the mic gave a bit of feedback and she felt like she needed to apologize for that. Even though she had no control over it.

I think as women, it's ingrained in us to be quiet, to not make a fuss, to just keep our heads down. If we make a fuss, well then, we're the ones making the fuss. We're the ones causing the problem. Had we just kept our fucking mouths shut it'd be over and done with already. We're making noise when we should be quiet. And now we're inturrupting everyone else with our problem. We're being hysterical. We women, we can't keep our damn emotions in check. And we need to. We need to keep our emotions in check so that we aren't emotional, when we're emotional that upsets men because men cannot handle our hysterical emotional woman ways.

All that is absolute bullshit of course. But it's what we as women are taught by society. Be quiet. Don't cause a fuss. Don't be overly emotional. Don't make it a thing. It's not a thing. Even if you think it's a thing, it's not a thing.

lurkergirl · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

lurkergirl said:

KatieinBkln said:

mrsk616 said:

my FI co worked said he liked me to my FI and my FI and i are both creeped out by this. guy is an older foreign guy who barely speaks english and we ourselves can barely pronounce his name.

yes that is creepy.

Does that somehow make it grosser? Is being hit on by a young American named John less stressful?

Yeah, WTF kind of statement is that?

I'm super interested in the answer here. Why does old and foreign with an ethnic name = creepier?

And if he "barely speaks [E]nglish," then how are you so sure of his intent in saying he liked you? Like, is it possible he just thinks you're nice?

Having unwanted attention showered on you by anyone can be creepy and uncomfortable. It sounds extremely ignorant and bigoted to act like the only reason it bothers you is because of his ethnicity and age.

VulgarGirl · January 2015

novella1186 said:

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

I know what you mean. I didn't want to be the bitch who makes a big scene, and I understood that he was drunk and just making a complete ass of himself so I was trying to just brush it off. But when he got grabby and I got uncomfortable, it was no longer a drunk guy acting like a fool. It crossed the line. And I didn't do much; just pushed him away and avoided him. So I could have done more. In fact, if he were some random dude in a bar I probably would've punched him.

Maybe it's not right for me to have a double-standard like that. To me, it was just an unfortunate, tricky, and uncomfortable situation because of the circumstances. Bleh.

He made you feel uncomfortable, and you don't want to be the bitch.

Do we all see how fucked up that is? And this isn't just novella, this is our fucked up fucking society. Telling women, well sure he's an ass, but do you want to be a bitch who points that out? He's drunk/horny/stupid/high/upset, it's not his fault. Don't be a bitch about it.

Honey, be the bitch. Be the bitchiest bitch to ever bitch. Make a fuss. Cause a scene. Cause fuck him. No matter what, you have a right, as a human being, to exist in the world without having some creepy dude, be creepy and make you feel uncomfortable. And when someone takes that away from you, you have the fucking right to say something, even if it hurts his feelings. Don't be fucking creepy and you won't get your feelings hurt.

novella1186 · January 2015

MagicInk said:

novella1186 said:

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

I know what you mean. I didn't want to be the bitch who makes a big scene, and I understood that he was drunk and just making a complete ass of himself so I was trying to just brush it off. But when he got grabby and I got uncomfortable, it was no longer a drunk guy acting like a fool. It crossed the line. And I didn't do much; just pushed him away and avoided him. So I could have done more. In fact, if he were some random dude in a bar I probably would've punched him.

Maybe it's not right for me to have a double-standard like that. To me, it was just an unfortunate, tricky, and uncomfortable situation because of the circumstances. Bleh.

He made you feel uncomfortable, and you don't want to be the bitch.

Do we all see how fucked up that is? And this isn't just novella, this is our fucked up fucking society. Telling women, well sure he's an ass, but do you want to be a bitch who points that out? He's drunk/horny/stupid/high/upset, it's not his fault. Don't be a bitch about it.

Honey, be the bitch. Be the bitchiest bitch to ever bitch. Make a fuss. Cause a scene. Cause fuck him. No matter what, you have a right, as a human being, to exist in the world without having some creepy dude, be creepy and make you feel uncomfortable. And when someone takes that away from you, you have the fucking right to say something, even if it hurts his feelings. Don't be fucking creepy and you won't get your feelings hurt.

I seriously love this post. As soon as I read your previous post I was like "holy shit, that's so true. He was the one doing something shitty and I was the one who was afraid to kill the mood at the party. Wow." Like... wow. I need to bitch up.

VulgarGirl · January 2015

novella1186 said:

MagicInk said:

novella1186 said:

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

I know what you mean. I didn't want to be the bitch who makes a big scene, and I understood that he was drunk and just making a complete ass of himself so I was trying to just brush it off. But when he got grabby and I got uncomfortable, it was no longer a drunk guy acting like a fool. It crossed the line. And I didn't do much; just pushed him away and avoided him. So I could have done more. In fact, if he were some random dude in a bar I probably would've punched him.

Maybe it's not right for me to have a double-standard like that. To me, it was just an unfortunate, tricky, and uncomfortable situation because of the circumstances. Bleh.

He made you feel uncomfortable, and you don't want to be the bitch.

Do we all see how fucked up that is? And this isn't just novella, this is our fucked up fucking society. Telling women, well sure he's an ass, but do you want to be a bitch who points that out? He's drunk/horny/stupid/high/upset, it's not his fault. Don't be a bitch about it.

Honey, be the bitch. Be the bitchiest bitch to ever bitch. Make a fuss. Cause a scene. Cause fuck him. No matter what, you have a right, as a human being, to exist in the world without having some creepy dude, be creepy and make you feel uncomfortable. And when someone takes that away from you, you have the fucking right to say something, even if it hurts his feelings. Don't be fucking creepy and you won't get your feelings hurt.

I seriously love this post. As soon as I read your previous post I was like "holy shit, that's so true. He was the one doing something shitty and I was the one who was afraid to kill the mood at the party. Wow." Like... wow. I need to bitch up.

I teach Bitch 101, I'll sign you up for our next class.

ashley8918 · January 2015

@magicink Your sig gif is just the best right now.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

@magicink knows what the fuck is up!

Do you offer an upper level course though? I'm pretty sure I've mastered Bitch 101. I'm ready for the PhD, baby!

VulgarGirl · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

@magicink knows what the fuck is up!

Do you offer an upper level course though? I'm pretty sure I've mastered Bitch 101. I'm ready for the PhD, baby!

I think I'm gonna have my step-mom teach that class. She's the nicest bitch you'll ever meet, she'll tell you to shove it up your ass, and you'll walk away think it was your idea and the best one you ever had.

I dunno how she does it, I'm gonna sign up for the class too.

Fran1985 · January 2015

MagicInk said:

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

I once watched a video of a woman giving some kind of talk. I can't remember who it was or what it was exactly about but she talked about how women feel guilt. How we are trained, from a young age, by our society to feel guilty when things go wrong. Even things we have no control over. She used the example that when she came up to start speaking, the mic gave a bit of feedback and she felt like she needed to apologize for that. Even though she had no control over it.

I think as women, it's ingrained in us to be quiet, to not make a fuss, to just keep our heads down. If we make a fuss, well then, we're the ones making the fuss. We're the ones causing the problem. Had we just kept our fucking mouths shut it'd be over and done with already. We're making noise when we should be quiet. And now we're inturrupting everyone else with our problem. We're being hysterical. We women, we can't keep our damn emotions in check. And we need to. We need to keep our emotions in check so that we aren't emotional, when we're emotional that upsets men because men cannot handle our hysterical emotional woman ways.

All that is absolute bullshit of course. But it's what we as women are taught by society. Be quiet. Don't cause a fuss. Don't be overly emotional. Don't make it a thing. It's not a thing. Even if you think it's a thing, it's not a thing.

The gift of fear goes into this a lot. We are conditioned to suppress our instincts- cuz to follow them would be "rude" or "not polite" or make you a "bitch" I really recommend the book if you have trouble with boundaries in general. You dont owe politeness to any one who is trying to test your boundaries or invade your space or make you feel uncomfortable.

mrsdee15 · January 2015

Ew, that is so creepy. I hate that some people think they can just do that to others. I'm one of those people who reaaaaalllyyyy doesn't like being touched by people I don't know well, and for someone to completely ignore boundaries like that is really gross. This guy needs someone to be the bitch to him. I'm interested to know what you and your FI decide, because you're totally right, he may do this to other women at the wedding. I'm sorry you went through this, that guy acted like an asshat.

Out of curiosity, and sorry if you already mentioned this, but has he done this before with you (or any other women around you)?

lovesclimbing · January 2015

I hate creepy guys. I'm at the library using my computer right now, and there's a guy sitting in a chair right near me just staring at me. And he's making no bones about it - elbow on the armrest, resting his chin in his hand, staring at me.

He's been doing it for like ten minutes. What an asshole.

ETA: And I usually don't cuss!

VulgarGirl · January 2015

lovesclimbing said:

I hate creepy guys. I'm at the library using my computer right now, and there's a guy sitting in a chair right near me just staring at me. And he's making no bones about it - elbow on the armrest, resting his chin in his hand, staring at me.

He's been doing it for like ten minutes. What an asshole.

ETA: And I usually don't cuss!

Turn to him and give him your best bitch face and coldly say "Did you need something?", make eye contact, don't let him make you shy away.

Bitching for the good 101, lesson one. Make eye contact, practice your bitch face, and cold voice. You are not afraid of this little asswipe and he does not get the right to try to intimidate you in a public space.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

novella1186 · January 2015

mrsdee15 said:

Ew, that is so creepy. I hate that some people think they can just do that to others. I'm one of those people who reaaaaalllyyyy doesn't like being touched by people I don't know well, and for someone to completely ignore boundaries like that is really gross. This guy needs someone to be the bitch to him. I'm interested to know what you and your FI decide, because you're totally right, he may do this to other women at the wedding. I'm sorry you went through this, that guy acted like an asshat.

Out of curiosity, and sorry if you already mentioned this, but has he done this before with you (or any other women around you)?

Nope, he's never acted like this around me before and I've never seen him be this way to other women. I don't know where it came from (although FI did tell me that Tom tends to get grabby when he drinks so maybe it's his usual thing and he just hid it from me till now?)

novella1186 · January 2015

lovesclimbing said:

I hate creepy guys. I'm at the library using my computer right now, and there's a guy sitting in a chair right near me just staring at me. And he's making no bones about it - elbow on the armrest, resting his chin in his hand, staring at me.

He's been doing it for like ten minutes. What an asshole.

ETA: And I usually don't cuss!

Last time a guy did that to me (a much older man, actually) I chewed up a whole bunch of food, turned towards him, and then held my mouth wide open and stuck my tongue out. He didn't look at me again. And my friend and I both thought it was hilarious.

novella1186 · January 2015

pinkrevenge said:

The last time I saw a mutual friend of mine and H's, he got really drunk and tried to french me. And then he tried to french H.

But H also drank too much and grabbed his girlfriend's butt (we both had pink hair and black dresses on, so he copped a feel before seeing the face).

The girlfriend and exchanged a lot of eyerolls that night, let me tell you.

I "love it"ed this cuz pink hair is awesome, not cuz the guy was being gross and annoying

ETF: it's a "love it" button not a "like" button. We get affectionate here.

redheadbride15 · January 2015

Ewwww

My brother has a friend who likes to touch my hair... like all the time. This has been going on for years. At first, when I was single, I just thought it was weird. Then I got into a serious relationship and eventually got engaged and he continued to do it! He's also constantly comparing himself to my fiancee, and only ever talks to my fiancee about how amazing I am and how he's looking for a girl like me. My fiancee is really creeped out by him. I just find him pathetic and I haven't had the heart to tell him how utterly inappropriate it is. Fortunately my brother (who's a huge guy, by the way) totally called him out on it the last time we were together. Let's hope that did the trick.

mrsk616 · January 2015

lurkergirl said:

ashley8918 said:

lurkergirl said:

KatieinBkln said:

mrsk616 said:

my FI co worked said he liked me to my FI and my FI and i are both creeped out by this. guy is an older foreign guy who barely speaks english and we ourselves can barely pronounce his name.

yes that is creepy.

Does that somehow make it grosser? Is being hit on by a young American named John less stressful?

Yeah, WTF kind of statement is that?

I'm super interested in the answer here. Why does old and foreign with an ethnic name = creepier?

And if he "barely speaks [E]nglish," then how are you so sure of his intent in saying he liked you? Like, is it possible he just thinks you're nice?

Having unwanted attention showered on you by anyone can be creepy and uncomfortable. It sounds extremely ignorant and bigoted to act like the only reason it bothers you is because of his ethnicity and age.

I didn't mean for it come off like that. My FI Found it creepy i just ignored it because i get creepy men who randomly say they like me and ask me on dates at work.
Guy told my FI he knew me from somewhereand we still aren't sure where that might be. I've only seen the guy once before the discussion he had with my FI.

rockin30ish · January 2015

Since he hasn't even received a Save the Date, then all that you need to do is run a line through his name on your guest list. You don't want to even entertain the possibility that this could happen on your wedding day! I can only imagine the smack down that would happen!

mrsdee15 · January 2015

redheadbride15 said:

Ewwww

My brother has a friend who likes to touch my hair... like all the time. This has been going on for years. At first, when I was single, I just thought it was weird. Then I got into a serious relationship and eventually got engaged and he continued to do it! He's also constantly comparing himself to my fiancee, and only ever talks to my fiancee about how amazing I am and how he's looking for a girl like me. My fiancee is really creeped out by him. I just find him pathetic and I haven't had the heart to tell him how utterly inappropriate it is. Fortunately my brother (who's a huge guy, by the way) totally called him out on it the last time we were together. Let's hope that did the trick.

To the bolded:

This skeeves me out so badly. Someone shouldn't be allowed to do these things because they act kind of pathetic, but I have no patience for that kind of person (I have an ex who would pull this shit after I broke up with him, he would do it so people would just feel bad for him and then he could tell them what an awful person I was). Really hoping your brother calling him out worked!

crackktheskyy · January 2015

After I read your post I wanted to mention that it doesn't matter what you're wearing, but @MagicInk covered it in a way far more eloquent than I could have expressed!

Agreed x 1 million.

Seriously though, you should not have to qualify or justify what you were wearing. It is never ever ever ever okay for anyone else to objectify you. This guy sounds super sleazy.

If there's any silver lining, it sounds like your partner is a wonderful and supportive person -- and that is worth everything!

novella1186 · January 2015

crackktheskyy said:

After I read your post I wanted to mention that it doesn't matter what you're wearing, but @MagicInk covered it in a way far more eloquent than I could have expressed!

Agreed x 1 million.

Seriously though, you should not have to qualify or justify what you were wearing. It is never ever ever ever okay for anyone else to objectify you. This guy sounds super sleazy.

If there's any silver lining, it sounds like your partner is a wonderful and supportive person -- and that is worth everything!

He is very great! I love that he got a little mad/jealous but I also love that he kept his cool and didn't rage out. (Is it weird that I think it's adorable when he gets just a little jealous?) I felt like he really had my back even though he wasn't around to witness the worst of it.

crackktheskyy · January 2015

novella1186 said:

crackktheskyy said:

After I read your post I wanted to mention that it doesn't matter what you're wearing, but @MagicInk covered it in a way far more eloquent than I could have expressed!

Agreed x 1 million.

Seriously though, you should not have to qualify or justify what you were wearing. It is never ever ever ever okay for anyone else to objectify you. This guy sounds super sleazy.

If there's any silver lining, it sounds like your partner is a wonderful and supportive person -- and that is worth everything!

He is very great! I love that he got a little mad/jealous but I also love that he kept his cool and didn't rage out. (Is it weird that I think it's adorable when he gets just a little jealous?) I felt like he really had my back even though he wasn't around to witness the worst of it.

Actually, I do no think this is weird at all! Indeed, I think it's quite healthy and it's good that you found this so endearing.

Anecdotally, I was in a pre-marital session with my FI a couple of weeks ago and the priest asked me if I thought jealousy had a positive function. When I said that I did, he was so excited that he sat there and spoke about how important jealousy can be for indicating that within the relationship there is still a healthy dose of care instead of apathy. Apparently, couples are super hesitant to say yes to this question! Of course, people can be overly jealous but that doesn't seem to be the case in your situation!

sophhabobopha · January 2015

Ew, what the fuck.

One of Fi's best friends tried to sleep with me one at a party. But, he feels really shitty about it and he was going through a really hard time,. But I was very angry for a long time.

A little bit creeped out-- Update (conundrum)

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