What potential problem challenges (or scares) you the most about your future marriage?

redheadbride15 · January 2015

And more importantly - how are you addressing it?

I suppose I'm feeling particularly pensive this morning, but I'm curious to know if any of you have concerns or fears you'd like to share with the group. We all have concerns or quirks or baggage that we bring into our relationships and into our marriages and I feel strongly that it's healthy to address them head-on, whether formally in premarital counseling, or informally in chatting with friends/family/knotties.

For me, my fiancee has a history of depression. It has been under good control for the 3+ years that I've known him, but I'm terrified of him having a relapse. I know that I don't always react in the most healthy and supportive manner whenever he struggles with something, and we spend a lot of time talking about it and I'm getting better. But every day I have to remind myself that this is not a weakness on his part, and that I need to think of it the same way I would if he had another chronic illness, like diabetes or high blood pressure. We've been working on our vows, and "in sickness and in health" chokes me up.

thisismynickname2 · January 2015

I'm sorry you both are dealing with that.

It's an interesting question. I've been married for four months and have known my husband for three years. He struggles with insecurity, and I think he shouldn't have to worry about anything. Me thinking that isn't enough, of course, nor is me telling him that. So my challenge is to be supportive and not lose my patience with him ("stop putting yourself down! auugh!")

My challenge for myself is a bit of insecurity that can affect our sex life. That's a real thing, but sometimes I wonder how we'll keep our relationship "fresh" in general.

Someone once gave me a tidbit of wisdom: every day you make a choice to be married. Make the right choice.

flyingfoxes · January 2015

IA that his is an interesting question.

My biggest fears are figuring out money (not that we are struggling for money, but haven't merged finances), and step-parenting. His kids are older (almost 15 an almost 19) and I'm never quite sure where my opinion is warranted or needed and I don't want to over-step.

larrygaga · January 2015

I'm a lot more blunt than I would like to be, although I don't think I've really hurt his feelings before. I don't know why it's just with him, because I usually have a lot of tact. I will say things to him like "You need to shower before bed." and if he thinks he won't I'll tell him he stinks. I get annoyed because he doesn't respect that I don't want to go to bed with a stinky sweaty guy, and that I actually have to tell him. He usually just laughs and says he's a man and then he will go shower. I'm always worried that something will slip out that will be really mean and actually hurt him. That's just a small example.

I don't know, we don't really fight ever. We have been together about ten years and I can count the number of fights we've had on one hand. The fights were just about me not getting enough of his attention when we were long distance. They were really my craziness and nothing he did wrong, but he tried to fix it. We are very good about talking about what we like and don't like in our relationship, and bringing up things that annoy us instead of becoming passive aggressive. We believe that we should just say when we are upset and why, instead of playing games. This might be why I can be blunt possibly to the point of hurting his feelings.

I don't know why we get along so well. I used to worry so much about not fighting with him, because every "normal" couple around me fights. My best guess as to why we rarely fight or even bicker is either because of what I said above or because we spent a lot of time long distance and we have this idea that we shouldn't waste our time together fighting. I think that attitude carried on into our living together portion of the relationship.

I don't know if this will change after marriage. I don't know if it will change after kids or even 60 years. I know that we will be able to recognize when something is wrong and take care of it.

I guess what scares me most is that I can't find anything to be afraid of. I feel like a big bomb is about to drop on my happy parade.

climbingsingle · January 2015

This is a great post. I think it's really important to recognize and talk about these things.

My husband really isn't keen on going to the doctor. He believes that most of what is wrong with him, he can heal himself. So, I do worry that if was diagnosed with a serious medical condition, that he would go the holistic route instead of traditional medicine. And I do believe a lot of times that holistic medicine can cure things. But it doesn't always work for everything. We've discussed it, and I've shared my concerns with him. Right now, we're mostly on the same page.

The only other thing we tend to argue about is money. Right now, things are really good. But since he's a business owners, when things slow down, he tends to get very depressed and moody. Again, it's something we've discussed at length.

We're not having children, so I don't really foresee any other problems. I do know that if we were to have kids, we'd completely disagree on how to raise them. But again, that won't be an issue.

wandajune6 · January 2015

I got married a few months back but had a few major concerns:

1. I'm a step-parent to a teen now. DH has full custody of the kid- he's with us all but 2 weekends per month. The kid also has emotional and learning problems, traced largely to the years he was with his mom. We're handling it all but it was definitely scary.

2. Money. DH was broke for years but has no debt beyond the house. I had a great career with lots of savings before incurring a ton of grad school debt. We're both in better shape now - and together - than we ever were alone but it's scary knowing that he's 16 years behind me in saving for retirement.

3. DH's health. Spending so many years broke (and uninsurable), he wasn't able to address some major health issues over the years. He did his body a lot of damage that we both need to deal with now. That's very scary.

larrygaga · January 2015

mobride2015 said:

IA that his is an interesting question.
My biggest fears are figuring out money (not that we are struggling for money, but haven't merged finances), and step-parenting. His kids are older (almost 15 an almost 19) and I'm never quite sure where my opinion is warranted or needed and I don't want to over-step.

I love seeing step-parents who know they have the potential to overstep. Nothing worse than a step parent who tries to act like a parent that's been there for the kid's whole life and has total control.

emmaaa · January 2015

Our main concern is finances. We are both young (24) and I am just a year out of college with a full time job and he is one semester from being done with college with a part time job. We get by right now but literally don't have money to save.

What worries us is that we want to buy land, build a house, and start a family. We both know neither of us will make a ton of money so we have to figure out how to make it work. But we both know we are very young and have time to save up and once he is out of school, our income will literally double.

Even though we have a plan and we think we can make it work, we are most scared that it won't.

flutteringinfl · January 2015

I think money could be a sticking point, though right now we're quite comfortable and we're generally good at getting through disagreements without a whole lot of friction. But there's still that fear, you know? Money's probably one of the most common issues.

cakemurderer · January 2015

redheadbride15 said:

For me, my fiancee has a history of depression. It has been under good control for the 3+ years that I've known him, but I'm terrified of him having a relapse. I know that I don't always react in the most healthy and supportive manner whenever he struggles with something, and we spend a lot of time talking about it and I'm getting better. But every day I have to remind myself that this is not a weakness on his part, and that I need to think of it the same way I would if he had another chronic illness, like diabetes or high blood pressure. We've been working on our vows, and "in sickness and in health" chokes me up.

I'm sorry he suffers from depression. It's not an easy thing for him to cope with, and it's not an easy thing for you to see him struggling with. My ex-husband had depression and I won't lie, that's part of the reason why our marriage didn't work. I urge you to read books about it and read online forums made up of both suffers and their loved ones, and encourage him to do the same. It sounds like you are really trying to understand his disorder, which is a great sign! The more you know, the more power you'll have when it comes to dealing with it. Make sure he has an understanding of how it can affect you too. I was shocked when my ex and I were in counseling towards the end of our marriage and I asked him if he'd ever read up on how spouses and partners of depressed people cope, and his answer was no. I couldn't believe that after all the years I spent trying to understand him and his disorder that he never stopped to wonder how I might be doing. Good luck to you!

With my current guy, I worry about not ever being financially prosperous. I have a great job that pays well enough for secretarial work, so I have stability there but not a huge income. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has a job with varying hours. Lately he's only had enough work for 2-3 days a week, but it's so unpredictable that by this time next month he could be working long hours every weekday. Needless to say, it's not what he wants to be doing due to the unpredictability so he's been looking for a different job, but with a psychology degree he feels his options are limited. Basically he has no clue what he wants to do with his life and is stressing out about finding the "right" career, whereas I don't think that sort of thing necessarily exists. I want him to be happy but I worry that he'll never settle on another job as long as he's trying to find the perfect fit, so we'll never have more than enough money to pay our bills and occasionally go away for the weekend.

I also worry because he's very bad about putting money into savings unless he has a specific purchase he's saving for. I'm much more of a long-term goal sort of person and understand the value of socking money away for emergencies or retirement even thought that's far off in the future. I hope we don't become one of those couples who struggles and fights over money.

WinstonsGirl · January 2015

Mine is our age difference. He's almost 10 years older, and practical minded me is already thinking about then I'm 80 and he probably won't be around. It's the knowing that if we both live normal healthy lived, he's still probably going to die well before I do and I don't want to be without him.

blabla89 · January 2015

Pregnancy and childbirth terrifies me, but having biological children is important to FI. I'm afraid he won't be attracted to me after that.

I'm also afraid that as FI advances in his career and makes more money, he's going to look down on my job and the amount of money that I make.

flutteringinfl · January 2015

redheadbride15 said:

And more importantly - how are you addressing it?

I suppose I'm feeling particularly pensive this morning, but I'm curious to know if any of you have concerns or fears you'd like to share with the group. We all have concerns or quirks or baggage that we bring into our relationships and into our marriages and I feel strongly that it's healthy to address them head-on, whether formally in premarital counseling, or informally in chatting with friends/family/knotties.

For me, my fiancee has a history of depression. It has been under good control for the 3+ years that I've known him, but I'm terrified of him having a relapse. I know that I don't always react in the most healthy and supportive manner whenever he struggles with something, and we spend a lot of time talking about it and I'm getting better. But every day I have to remind myself that this is not a weakness on his part, and that I need to think of it the same way I would if he had another chronic illness, like diabetes or high blood pressure. We've been working on our vows, and "in sickness and in health" chokes me up.

I'll also mention FI has some PTSD that he developed while in the Army. It's pretty much under control but he has his days still. I mostly worry about my ability to handle it because my reaction is to cry and cry and I know that's the opposite of helpful. He has taken steps to handle it but it's still this scary thing and it really hurts to know he went through so much shit and he's still going through it and there's not much I can do but to be there for him.

loveislouder · January 2015

blabla89 said:

Pregnancy and childbirth terrifies me, but having biological children is important to FI. I'm afraid he won't be attracted to me after that.

I'm also afraid that as FI advances in his career and makes more money, he's going to look down on my job and the amount of money that I make.

I am horrified of child birth. I have a high pain tolerance for broken bones, but I don't think I could survive birthing a child. I'm scared about that, for sure.

My FI has some pretty serious depression, and he refuses to go see someone to get help because when he was a child he was forced into counseling. He had to switch counselors at least 6 times, because every time they got close to the root of the problem, the counselor would either a) berate him or his opinions or b) start crying a quit. All I want is for him to be happy.

We had a serious talk this weekend about taking better care of ourselves so we could be around for a long time to be together, so hopefully he'll go see a doctor soon and get himself some help.

NowIAmSyp · January 2015

blabla89 said:

Pregnancy and childbirth terrifies me, but having biological children is important to FI. I'm afraid he won't be attracted to me after that.

This. I am so afraid of childbirth! Luckily, we both seem to be on the same page, and we think we're a "one-and-done" type couple. I just hope my body rebounds after baby, since I already have some insecurity issues...

VulgarGirl · January 2015

I'm terrified Wifey won't get pregnant. She wants to experience pregnancy so badly, it's not a desire I understand but I want her to have that. I don't know how she'll deal with a let down if it's not possible or doesn't happen. She's a driven type A person. She puts a plan into place and things fall into the plan. Pregnancy is the one thing, no matter how much planning, might not fall into place. She says she'll be fine, we'll just adopt, but...I think it might be a bigger emotional hurdle then she's prepared for.

I also worry about my own mental health. I have ADD, I've dealt with depression, live with anxiety, I have obbessive behaviors, basically my brain is a fucking mess on a good day. I've gone through some really dark times, Wifey was there with me for a lot of them. And now, I'm ok. Most days, I can deal, I'm even happy and content. But I worry what happens if I start having bad days again. I worry about it happening after we have a kid. How will that impact the kid? How will Wifey deal with my issues on top of a child who depends on their parents? What if she and the kid leave? (I don't actually think she would, but it's where my worries go)

We've been together over 10 years. We've been broke together, we've dealt with an ill parent together, we've dealt with a shitty parent together, we've held each other cry, we've fought side by side. There isn't too much I worry about us not being able to get through. But those are my biggest two concerns.

falsara · January 2015

I also think that this is a good question.

There are a few things that I can see being challenges for us.

1) FI and I are still in school. I'm a little worried about getting jobs in our fields after graduation, and then stabilizing those careers choices so that we are happy, but also financialally stable. We're really good about talking about these things together, but I know that FI is willing to work really hard for what he wants, and is stuborn about sticking with things even if he's no longer happy with what he's doing.

2) We both want kids, but we want to be financially stable before having them. I can see there possibly being an issue between what he and I consider stable.

3) Childbirth and pregnancy scare the shit out of me. We want kids that are genetically ours, but I wish there was an easier way to get them.

mikenberger · January 2015

Ours will definitely be money. Currently, I make more than him (by .50 an hour) and it's just fine. We each have plenty of money to do whatever we want, but if I go back to making 1/2 of what he does (I'm working as a contractor), he gets very "MY MONEY". He then gets The Look and corrects himself, but the fact that that's the first thing that comes out of his mouth, annoys the shit out of me.

He's really excited that I make more than him because then we can be a "power couple" whatever the fuck that means. I'm more concentrated on getting rid of my student loan debt. One thing we do agree on is that we are retiring together. So we're retiring when he can retire with his pension at 55. My mom is working FT while my stepdad just came home one day and said "I turned in my retirement papers, I'm done." And stopped working (collecting a pension but yeah, no longer working FT) and FI's mother is a stay at home grandma with FI's two nephews. So she doesn't "work" either, although I'm sure she wants to most days. But she quit working long before the boys were born and FI's Dad was constantly "She really needs to go back to work. She has nothing going on but her scrapbooking." So FI and I made a joint decision, we would retire together. My Mother was unhappy my Stepdad retired early and his Dad was unhappy that his Mother retired early and we will not be those people. Because I swear on things smothered in gravy... if I get up at 5:15a to go to work and he spends nothing but sending me pictures of him and the cats snuggling on the couch, you're going to see me on an episode of "Snapped."

Couggal12 · January 2015

I also worry about H's health sometimes. He has back problems and has had them for years. He it under control normally but, lately he's been having more pain in his back and he refuses to go to the doctor. I talked to him last night about it and he has agreed to make an appointment for next week. I just hate seeing him in pain or worrying it's progressed to something bad.

My mental health and anxiety worries me. I've had anxiety and panic attacks since high school so I go through days where almost nothing works to calm myself down. I worry about how this will affect us later on down the road when I have my really terrible days.

JennyColada · January 2015

DH and I have very different worries.

On my side:
He's not a very good communicator (not that I'm tge best!) and he doesn't understand how to communicate his (positive) feelings to me. The best that he can do to explain why he loves me is "I don't not like you. I don't like a lot of people." Without concrete ideas of why he cares for me, it can feel like a fleeting emotion, and I feel like I have no control over him keeping it or losing it. So basically I'm scared of him falling out of love with me. That plays into a lot of insecurities of mine.

I'm also worried that when we have a kid, that the kid will hate me. It's probably an irrational fear, but I have to feel like above all else I can rely on DH's love for me (so it ties into the above).

DH, on the other hand, is worried about how I care for my health (I have HCV which we both agree should get treated sooner rather than later, and I want it treated before we have kids). Also money and savings. Well, not exactly. He's great with money and savings and I'm lucky enough that I don't HAVE to work, but I like to. But I'm bad at saving. In DH's eyes, even if I save only $5, I'm respecting the relationship and making an effort.

For all of the above, practicing communication (me telling him about what I'm doing with Dr's appointments, me asking him more specific probing questions about his feelings).

dolewhipper · January 2015

The main thing I worry about is Fi health. He's not good about taking care of himself or going to the doctor (he just booked his first dental appt in over two years), and the fear of losing him to something we could have prevented scares the absolute shit out of me. He has prehypertension caused by his shitty eating habits and not working out, and his family has a history of heart disease.

He got better about it when I told him how it made me feel; my father died 2 years ago and I know he doesn't want to do that to his future children. He also has really bad anxiety though and needs to see someone about it, but wont. He thinks a pill can magically make his problems disappear.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

We have different approaches/views on money and tidiness... it's nothing that's been a huge problem yet, but I worry could rear their ugly heads if/when we have babies around/while I'm not working and just make day to day life more stressful. We're both a little older (31 and 34) so we've had more time to get stuck in our own ways/habits. Neither one of us feels the way we handle things is "wrong" and they're both such sensitive things to bring up with each other - I don't want him thinking I'm a broke-ass slob and he doesn't want me thinking he's a controlling penny-pincher.

nhultberg461 · January 2015

We worry about his health, his recovery, my kids, and how my ex treats my kids. The good thing is that my fiancé has been really good about his boundaries when it does come to how we parent the kids (I do have full custody of them). We don't discuss the issues in front of the kids either, we do that when they are not around.

Health is a big issue, and making sure that he is taking care of himself.

Do not keep secrets.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

I worry about H's health. He finally went to the dentist after 5 years and that is only because I made the appointment for him and told him to get his ass to the dentist. He still needs to go back to get a broken tooth pulled but he still hasn't called to make an appointment. I also worry about his weight and how it will effect his health. I have noticed recently that his snoring has gotten a lot worse and know that is a direct result of his weight gain. I have talked to him about both of us trying to eat better and workout together, because I need to lose a bit a weight as well, and even though he says yes, his actions are the complete opposite. And now that he is over 30 I am just afraid that his weight is going to be harder to control and will have more and more of an impact.

I am also concerned about children. H always said he could see him having one or two prior to getting married while I have stayed firmly in the "I don't think so" camp. But now he has hopped over the fence to join me in the "no" area. I am afraid that in 10 years we will regret not having kids. I do not want to have kids when I am older (I am 30 now) because of potential complications and also I really don't want to have a kid in high school in my late 50's or early 60's. I want to be able to retire while I am still young instead of having to work well into my 60's or 70's and support kids all the way through college and possibly beyond.

Money is always an issue but unless we win the lottery it will always be an issue. We will always have to discuss how things are spent and how we save and if we can do this, that or another. I just hope that one day we won't have to worry about money all the time. It sure would be a huge stress reliever.

jenna8984 · January 2015

Like most others, money and health. @maggie0829 Mine is the same way with the dentist and he brushes his teeth once a day which drives me crazy (I am adamant about twice a day). I keep telling him how jcbride just spent $15,000 on her teeth and that we can't afford that so he needs to start addressing it before it gets to that point!

Same with money, we make a good amount, we are comfortable. But there will ALWAYS be arguments about what we think it should be spent on. I think fancy vacations are worth it, he doesn't. He would rather have things like trucks and motorcycles that he can use daily instead of be gone in a week. We compromise and make it work but we'll never really be on the exact same page with that.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

Childbirth doesn't scare me so much as the actual raising a child does. Both FI and I know that we want kids, but we are both terrified (for lack of a better word) of brand new babies. 3 years and up, we're great! Newborns, we're scared. And I know being a mom/dad is scary for anyone, but you will never see FI or I jump up to be the first one to hold a brand new baby...So it really scares me about what will happen when it's our own kid, and people say that it's different when it's yours and it may very well be, but it still scares me.

FI can also have a tendency to not be very patient. I'm very low key, go with the flow, and he is not. He has gotten SO much better over the years with this, but I still worry that, again, with kids, that in the beginning when the baby is crying at 2am, that FI will lose it.

Money is also something that we don't necessarily disagree on, but that may be a struggle in the beginning. FI is looking to open his own business, so once he starts that and tries to start building it, it will definitely be a change. The good thing though, is we are already trying to prepare ourselves for that, the best way we can, and just hope for the best.

So babies, and money... those are my fears.

Inkdancer · January 2015

I worry about money all the time. I have been unemployed since May and it is really dragging me down. I have been financially independent for a long time and it is very upsetting that H has to pay my bills. (I know they're "our" bills but I HATE being dependent on someone else.)

I also struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. DH has struggled with depression in the past. He's a lot better, but I still have a lot of bad days. (Possibly related to the unemployment situation.) I worry that I'll be a bad mom because of my stupid brain chemicals being imbalanced.

I also worry that we won't be able to have kids. I desperately want children but have PCOS, which can cause fertility issues.

Basically I am a big mess and I don't know how H puts up with my shit.

l9i · January 2015

plainjane0415 said:

Childbirth doesn't scare me so much as the actual raising a child does. Both FI and I know that we want kids, but we are both terrified (for lack of a better word) of brand new babies. 3 years and up, we're great! Newborns, we're scared. And I know being a mom/dad is scary for anyone, but you will never see FI or I jump up to be the first one to hold a brand new baby...So it really scares me about what will happen when it's our own kid, and people say that it's different when it's yours and it may very well be, but it still scares me.
FI can also have a tendency to not be very patient. I'm very low key, go with the flow, and he is not. He has gotten SO much better over the years with this, but I still worry that, again, with kids, that in the beginning when the baby is crying at 2am, that FI will lose it.
Money is also something that we don't necessarily disagree on, but that may be a struggle in the beginning. FI is looking to open his own business, so once he starts that and tries to start building it, it will definitely be a change. The good thing though, is we are already trying to prepare ourselves for that, the best way we can, and just hope for the best.
So babies, and money... those are my fears.

To the bolded this is so me. We've talked about possibly TTC in about a year and I think of things like this. Naturally you think "what if I fail". We are both great with kids, but we haven't been around newborns much at all and that part worries me.

Unlike you I think I find the actually birth much more scary. In that moment I'm pretty sure DH is going to hate me. I'm a wimp.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

l9i said:

plainjane0415 said:

Childbirth doesn't scare me so much as the actual raising a child does. Both FI and I know that we want kids, but we are both terrified (for lack of a better word) of brand new babies. 3 years and up, we're great! Newborns, we're scared. And I know being a mom/dad is scary for anyone, but you will never see FI or I jump up to be the first one to hold a brand new baby...So it really scares me about what will happen when it's our own kid, and people say that it's different when it's yours and it may very well be, but it still scares me.
FI can also have a tendency to not be very patient. I'm very low key, go with the flow, and he is not. He has gotten SO much better over the years with this, but I still worry that, again, with kids, that in the beginning when the baby is crying at 2am, that FI will lose it.
Money is also something that we don't necessarily disagree on, but that may be a struggle in the beginning. FI is looking to open his own business, so once he starts that and tries to start building it, it will definitely be a change. The good thing though, is we are already trying to prepare ourselves for that, the best way we can, and just hope for the best.
So babies, and money... those are my fears.

To the bolded this is so me. We've talked about possibly TTC in about a year and I think of things like this. Naturally you think "what if I fail". We are both great with kids, but we haven't been around newborns much at all and that part worries me.
Unlike you I think I find the actually birth much more scary. In that moment I'm pretty sure DH is going to hate me. I'm a wimp.

Yea I'm sure FI will hate me too in that moment! Oddly enough, I'm just not scared of childbirth. I have no idea why, usually medical stuff really scares me, but childbirth, I'm just not scared of it. I'm more scared about raising the kid.

Dana831 · January 2015

Losing the passion. After being together for so long many couples have nothing to talk about and desire in the bedroom comes to a stop. I have a good friend who was married for 10 years and they just divorced because they had become best friends but the passion was gone.

chibiyui · January 2015

I'm scared that after the future kids are grown up if my art doesn't pay (which I'm terrified it won't) I'm going to be resentful reentering the workforce.

I realize how whiney and self centered that is.

What potential problem challenges (or scares) you the most about your future marriage?

Re: What potential problem challenges (or scares) you the most about your future marriage?

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