So I had this dream and I wonder what the actual etiquette is

larrygaga · January 2015

I will agree to disagree with all of you guys. I think you shouldn't name a kid after someone close to you without asking permission. There are lots and lots of names out there, they can pick another one.

I think it's more a preference not to share names in families, except when it is a specific naming after. My family only has two sets of shared names, and the sets of parents didn't know each other at the time of naming their babies. Married in people and what-not. This is how it works in my family and in FI's family. I guess we are weird. I think my preference is that I always thought my name was beautiful and I hated it when other people had the same one. But it's kind of common, so obviously I run into other people named the same thing. Mostly old people.

I'm bored of this hypothetical, time to get DRUNK. GBCT(hread)

KytchynWitche · January 2015

I have to say that I DO get the name-stealing madness thing, and I'll tell you why.

My mom's younger sister, "K", died when they were just kids, and my mom always said she wanted to name her first daughter after her. I mean, by the time she had me, it had been almost two decades of her saying "This will be the name of my child". Well her cousin, my aunt, gave birth to a daughter 3 months before I was due, and named her "K".

Firstly, I think if we have to rank their claims to the "right" then sister trumps cousin, no?

Secondly, I know that people change their minds a fair amount about names for their kids, especially if they picked said name in their early teens (I know that there's no maths in the world that can number how many names I "picked out" in high school alone), but when someone has been adamant about a name for 20 years and you're aware of it, then it's really kinda rude (can't think of a better word) to take that away from them.

Also, while we're on the subject, I think that if you want to name your child after a deceased family member and their parents are still alive, then it's polite to ask the parents if they're comfortable with it. At least if you're a close family. I mean, there are very few things in life as painful as the loss of a child, and you don't want your child to be a constant reminder to them if it's still raw for them (and everyone heals at a different rate).

I actually worked with a woman once who lost her son, Michael*, in infancy. Her sister had a son a year or two later and, without thinking about it, named him Micah* (which was a family name on her H's side). Not the same name, but close enough that it brought up painful memories for my CW whenever she saw her nephew. She did, eventually, come to terms with the loss but for years things were very strained in that family.

As for cousins having the same name - I do know a couple. Luckily the names are ones with multiple possible nicknames eg. two Williams, one was Billy, the other was Liam. (Semi-related side note: if you have twin girls, don't name them Melanie and Melissa unless you want people to call them Lanie and Lissa.)

I got mad at my sister once because of something she did in a dream. I don't remember what it was, but it must have been really bad because I didn't talk to her for a week.

Oh, and names were changed because internet safety yo.

ohannabelle · January 2015

When people say "It's my name," it strikes me very much the same as "it's myyyy day."

And many of my responses would be the same.

It's not your name. It's a name that you share with hundreds or perhaps thousands of other people.

Trying to be unique isn't necessary, and can result in ridiculous choices.

You are granted no special rights or entitlements.

Get over it. Even if you and another family member choose the same or similar names, you'll probably manage to go home with the correct children, and tell them apart.

lurkergirl · January 2015

lovesclimbing said:

I would be mad! (Side note does anyone else ever get mad at someone in real life for something they did in a dream? ) My sister said her dream name for her son would include a middle name that is FI's 1st name. I was alll, "Oh hell no!" Luckily she's only 14, so it's not a real concern
To your second paragraph, why would you care? Especially since it's not going to be the first name? I don't get being upset over names. I have almost the same name as a younger cousin. Think Diane and Diana. My aunt did call my mom and ask if it was ok. She didn't care and I didn't either. I do think it would be a bit odd to name someone after someone without telling them, but really, they don't have to ask.

Haha, I wouldn't actually be mad. The "Oh hell no" was more tongue and cheek. If my sister grows up and still wants to name her son Evan Peter (yeah...) then, by all means, she should go for it! I will admit to being guilty of having a slight eldest sibling complex--I do tend to feel like I should have first dibs on things. Like, logically I realize that's ridiculous, but it's there a little bit.

But really, I don't even think I would give a son FI's first name because it's also FFIL's name, and it's confusing enough with just 2 of them. Lots of "big Pete/little Pete" and "papa Pete/little Pete" and with FSMIL it's just "my Pete/your Pete."

larrygaga · January 2015

KytchynWitche said:

I have to say that I DO get the name-stealing madness thing, and I'll tell you why.

My mom's younger sister, "K", died when they were just kids, and my mom always said she wanted to name her first daughter after her. I mean, by the time she had me, it had been almost two decades of her saying "This will be the name of my child". Well her cousin, my aunt, gave birth to a daughter 3 months before I was due, and named her "K".

Firstly, I think if we have to rank their claims to the "right" then sister trumps cousin, no?

Secondly, I know that people change their minds a fair amount about names for their kids, especially if they picked said name in their early teens (I know that there's no maths in the world that can number how many names I "picked out" in high school alone), but when someone has been adamant about a name for 20 years and you're aware of it, then it's really kinda rude (can't think of a better word) to take that away from them.

Also, while we're on the subject, I think that if you want to name your child after a deceased family member and their parents are still alive, then it's polite to ask the parents if they're comfortable with it. At least if you're a close family. I mean, there are very few things in life as painful as the loss of a child, and you don't want your child to be a constant reminder to them if it's still raw for them (and everyone heals at a different rate).

I actually worked with a woman once who lost her son, Michael*, in infancy. Her sister had a son a year or two later and, without thinking about it, named him Micah* (which was a family name on her H's side). Not the same name, but close enough that it brought up painful memories for my CW whenever she saw her nephew. She did, eventually, come to terms with the loss but for years things were very strained in that family.

As for cousins having the same name - I do know a couple. Luckily the names are ones with multiple possible nicknames eg. two Williams, one was Billy, the other was Liam. (Semi-related side note: if you have twin girls, don't name them Melanie and Melissa unless you want people to call them Lanie and Lissa.)

I got mad at my sister once because of something she did in a dream. I don't remember what it was, but it must have been really bad because I didn't talk to her for a week.

Oh, and names were changed because internet safety yo.

Yes!!!!! You put all my thoughts into better words than I could, lol!

mrscaty · January 2015

There is a name that I have wanted for a daughter since I was little. This name happens to be the same name as H's late grandmother, to whom he was the closest of all his siblings. We would love to name our daughter after her, and it is a huge fear of ours that his older sister will have a baby first and "take" the name. Now, this is something we would NEVER confront her about, but I think my H's feelings would be hurt if it happened.

ETA: I can totally understand feeling hurt. Would I bring it up? Probably not. This is one of those "everyone has a right to their feelings, be them rational or not" type of things.

flantastic · January 2015

H's brother and cousin have the same name, with different spellings. H's parents called their BIL and SIL to ask if that was okay, and BIL and SIL were like "...of course? Name your kid whatever you want?"

They've not really noticed it much, but that's probably helped by the fact that they have different spellings and different last names.

The same brother had the first grandchild, and named him after his recently deceased grandfather, which is also H's father's name. I don't think they asked FIL, but since there were already a bunch of people with that name (this kid is Michael* V), I could see it making sense not to ask. First baby = first dibs to me; it only gets complicated when you start talking with family members about your name choice. However, there are always situations you should be aware of when naming your kid, as PPs have described.

lyndausvi · January 2015

ohannabelle said:

When people say "It's my name," it strikes me very much the same as "it's myyyy day."
And many of my responses would be the same.
It's not your name. It's a name that you share with hundreds or perhaps thousands of other people.
Trying to be unique isn't necessary, and can result in ridiculous choices.
You are granted no special rights or entitlements.
Get over it. Even if you and another family member choose the same or similar names, you'll probably manage to go home with the correct children, and tell them apart.

This.

I will be dammed if ANYONE tells me I'm not allowed to name my kid any name. Sorry, but no. The person who thinks the name was stolen has the problem. Not the person who "stole' the name.

Of course I comes from a huge Irish Catholic family. I have 24 first cousins cousins, my mom has/had (most of dead now) over 40. My cousins have produced over 50 kids. That is just my side, that doesn't take into consideration for DH's side. I can't even imagine the cluster fuck of trying to find a name that is unique to the family. Let alone having ask everyone if it's okay if I use the same name. No, just no.

Thank god my family is pretty reasonable. Only those cousins with the Michaels got mad, but quickly saw they were being silly.

AddieCake · January 2015

I would never think I needed to get anyone's permission on what to name my child. And if you and I have been discussing names and I make it known to you (or you to me) what a preferred name is, and then you (or I) take the name, I'm only going to be pissed if the name is unusual. It doesn't feel like "stealing" to me if I want to name my kid John and then you name your kid John. If I share with you that I want to name my kid Tiajuana and then you name yours Tiajuana, I'm going to be pissed.

sophhabobopha · January 2015

AddieCake said:

I would never think I needed to get anyone's permission on what to name my child. And if you and I have been discussing names and I make it known to you (or you to me) what a preferred name is, and then you (or I) take the name, I'm only going to be pissed if the name is unusual. It doesn't feel like "stealing" to me if I want to name my kid John and then you name your kid John. If I share with you that I want to name my kid Tiajuana and then you name yours Tiajuana, I'm going to be pissed.

I'd be mad at the both of you for naming a kid Tiajuana.

jdluvr06 · January 2015

I have to say I would be a little mad if someone in my family named a kid one of the few names dh and I actually agree on. I wouldn't say anything but in my head Id be all "grrrrrr". Mainly because it would cause me and h to have the names discussion again and we have completely different ideas and it is not a fun talk. I refuse to use any name that a living relative currently has. There are already so many repeat names in my family I refuse to be the cause of any more.

ETA: I lied. I would so name any daughter after my great grandmother. Unfortunately h hates that name. This has made a few of my cousins happy though because I'm officially out of the "Emma" race. Lol.

charlieyankee03 · January 2015

My brother and his wife had a baby several months ago and used the exact same first AND middle name that I wanted for my fictional possible future daughter. I don't recall ever mentioning the first name to them, but it's a beautiful, classic name. The middle name is a family name so I will still use that if I ever have a kid anyway. I was upset for a bit, but I never said anything to them other than it was beautiful name.

My second pick girl name is also a classic name. Well, my cousin just had her third kid and named it that. Too bad. I'm still going to use it. (If we ever even have kids anyway)

JaniV123 · January 2015

larrygaga said:

sophhabobopha said:

lurkergirl said:

I would be mad! (Side note does anyone else ever get mad at someone in real life for something they did in a dream? ) My sister said her dream name for her son would include a middle name that is FI's 1st name. I was alll, "Oh hell no!" Luckily she's only 14, so it's not a real concern

I'm mad at Fi when he cheats on me in dreams, ha!

FI straight up shot me in the face in one of my dreams and I woke up and smacked him. I feel bad about that still.

I had this dream like 6 years ago and I was mad at him for it haha

JaniV123 · January 2015

on topic, my FSIL has a child from her first marriage and his name is my dream name for a boy. BUt he was already 2 years old when I met FI so nothing to do there. We did talk about ti once and she said she didnt care if we also named our child the same, but I feel weird about it

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

The same name thing wouldn't bother me, but that's because my family has multiples of so many names. Two named David, two named John, two named Ben, three named Rebecca. The David's and Johns are both junior/senior types. I thnk it also depends on how 'traditional' the names are. I think it's different if you have a name picked out that you wanted to name your child and a relative knew this and 'took' the name. Like my name my mother always loved, she had it picked out for a girl since she was a child. If her sister-in-law (also a childhood best friend) had chosen the name, I could see getting pissed. But I still probably would have ended up with the name.

kerbohl · January 2015

I've got about five "uncles" with the same name. And a couple cousins with the same name. It gets confusing sometimes, but I have no qualms with people "stealing" names. In fact, a cousin called her two girls names that I wanted - but since I don't plan to have children, it was just hypothetical and I'm just really glad that two names that I thought were really beautiful are affiliated with people I'm related to.

madamerwin · January 2015

lurkergirl said:

(Side note does anyone else ever get mad at someone in real life for something they did in a dream? )

This happens to me! I have three sisters, one of whom I fought with a LOT when we were kids. We have dream fights, and I sometimes feel a little annoyed with her IRL the next day...

redheadbride15 · January 2015

This is an issue in my FI's family because his father passed away and everyone wanted to honor him. So... there are now 3 boys with the same name (the first one got "dibs" and has it as his first name, and the other two have it has their middle name). I don't think anyone cares though, because FI's dad was a good man that everyone loved, and it's a good solid traditional man's name. In fact, I'll strongly consider the same name for my son, if I ever have one.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

I'm going to name my first baby Larry Gaga.

So I had this dream and I wonder what the actual etiquette is

Re: So I had this dream and I wonder what the actual etiquette is

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