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Bridesmaid Dilemma or Not?

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Re: Bridesmaid Dilemma or Not?

  • lbdlovelbdlove member
    10 Comments First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    plainjane0415 said:
    lbdlove said:
    plainjane0415 said:
    lbdlove said:
    flantastic said:
    lbdlove said:
    plainjane0415 said:
    lbdlove said:
    First, its upsetting to see how mean some people can be on the knot message boards. I completely feel for the OP and the responses she is receiving.  The site is suppose to be helpful - not judgmental, cursing/screaming, or giving advice in a rude tone. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and not receiving positive and encouraging advice makes you feel distant with the knot community and it takes all the fun away!!!

    But for the question I believe that if a person accepts being a BM they know of what it entails. I believe people can make room for spending $100 (and thats a reasonable price for a BM dress)...there is so much money we spend on other things that aren't necessities. You would want your BM to do the same for you one day. 

    For example, when my FI and I attend a wedding we always give a set amount of $200-$250. We don't want to shell out $200 for a wedding and we probably shouldn't lol . But its the right thing to do. I know the bride and groom would never force us to give that amount, but can I afford to give up a $200 upgrade for an iPhone 6 to give a friend a gift and can I eventually make back that $200 by working hard at my job...yes I can. Its a yucky feeling at first, but I just think when I have my wedding I hope someone gives me a $200 check even though I know they didn't want to or had to make sacrifices to do so. 

    I don't know the full situation - so if its a crazy situation where they are about to go homeless or don't have a job then you can help out. Actually if all your BM are close with her then they can help out also or someone in your family (mom, aunt, dad...) But even I make a TERRIBLE salary and I would never not give money where it is needed, especially if I accepted to be part of someones big day.
    So I would just judge the situation accordingly and either help or say you need to set your priorities straight and pay for your dress.  


    This is a terrible way of handling the situation.
    Your BM are your guests of honor.  YOU CHOSE THEM to be in your wedding.  They do not OWE you anything, nor do they need to sacrifice paying for something that may be well out of their budget.  
    Just because you choose to give? (I don't really know if I would call it giving with all of the condescending phrases you threw out) $200-$250 at every wedding you go to doesn't mean every guest, or every BM or GM should be expected to do the same.  That's an extremely rude assumption, as gifts are NEVER required or should be expected at a wedding. 

    And to the bolded, NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
    Its actually not a terrible idea. If they are all best friends then best friends would do anything to help each other. At least I know my friends would do the same with me and vice versa. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. Thats what friends are for. If you can be that open with your friends then they aren't true friends. 
    Oh Lord. If my unemployed friend needed money for a new interview outfit, then our friends would pull together and help. If she were struggling and needed money for diapers for her baby, we would pull together and help. However, the absolute non-necessity that is BRIDESMAID DRESSES should not mean that your friends need to scrape together money to spend irresponsibly. Priorities.
    So your saying that making sure that your friend (the bridesmaid) and your friend (the bride) are comfortable, happy, and stress free on the day of the wedding is not a priority. Obviously the OP is stressed out and neither of them are happy. As a TRUE friend you wouldn't help out if you could? I get its not your obligation and it should not be expected out of you. Half the crap you do for friends and family is out of obligation and respect!  And I get the Bride can also fork up the money to pay for the dress, but if you knew this was going on and it was an uncomfortable situation you wouldn't give your friend some money to help them out. To me that is selfish and cheap. It the biggest event of a girls life; she probably planned everything accordingly, had flowers to match, is paying a photographer to capture it all AND YOU ARE TOO CHEAP TO HELP OUT A FRIEND AND THE BRIDE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ITS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?! What comes around goes around - being a good, supportive, loving friend is a priority - so suck it up and help someone out rather then thinking about yourself.  
    It wouldn't be an uncomfortable situation if you asked each of your bridesmaids in private what their budgets were. I don't see how this is a hard concept to grasp?  Also, please stop referring to this situation as the bride being CHEAP.  That insults the lurkers and posters on this board that actually took their friends budgets into account over their vision.  Oh, and welcome back! Thought you had left us. 
    First, the topic isn't about asking your bridesmaids their budget ahead of time. If it was then there wouldn't be an issue to discuss. The OP didn't do that so now she is in the situation of someone having to pay for the dress. That is why this board was created.
    I don't think grasp the concept of creating a board for advice from different people....

    Second, Im actually referring that you are being cheap, since you said that spending money on your friends is not worth your time. I am talking to you...my original post was for the Bride. I never called her cheap I just gave her wholesome advice and you replied to my comment for some reason - which I still don't understand why you and half of these girls part of this "knot clique" take someones advice that is meant for the OP  and insist on providing your rude and annoying comments. Therefore, once again in my last message I was responding to you which is why it has quoted what YOU said. Duh. 
    Right, if the OP had asked her bridesmaid's budget ahead of time there wouldn't be this discussion.  We post that over and over on topics like this so that lurkers understand that this is what could happen if you don't ask for budgets ahead of time.  Thus the reason for it being repeated in this thread.

    And, if you're going to continue to let your privledge show, that's cool, you can call me cheap, I don't really care. I am pretty economical, and I'm proud of it.  If I were having bridesmaids in my wedding, (which I'm not by the way, gasp!) I would make sure that my guests of honor were treated like guests of honor, and not struggling to be a part of my wedding because of some stupid dress they may only wear once.  That is the meaning of a true friend, in my opinion.  

    FTR, I can comment on/to whoever I would like. 
    Its called doing the right thing, not privilege. I'm sure you are better off then me. 

     Well that explains it all....
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    Its called doing the right thing, not privilege. I'm sure you are better off then me. 

     Well that explains it all....
    I don't know what "being better off than someone else" has to do with ANYTHING, but anyway....
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  • bb2016bb2016 member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I know this isn't a solution to the problem the OP needs help resolving, but as a possible explanation to why the friend accepted the offer to be a BM and wasn't prepared to spend more than $100 on the dress it could be that she didn't know any better. I know many other girls have suggested that they expect to have to pay quite a bit for a BM dress (more than $100) when they agree to be a BM, but I really feel like this friend could have no experience being in a wedding or part of a wedding party. I was this girl at one time. I was asked to be in my brother's wedding as a BM and the Bride and Groom payed for my dress for me (I didn't ask them to do this, they just did it on their own). I had no idea what was expected of me. I never went to a lot of wedding as a child or young adult.

    As for a solution, I think helping the BM cover the difference is a good solution. I could see where allowing her to wear another dress could cause a problem with the other BMs. Either way this sounds like a messy situation and I really hope the OP can resolve this with her friend amiably. Good Luck! :)

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  • alyssanicole18alyssanicole18 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    I for one did not ask my BMs what their budget was because it was insanely uncomfortable for me. However, I also told them to pick only what they felt comfortable in. Most were around $150ish, one girls was $250. My MOH thanked me, because she was expecting to pay over $300 for a dress because she had for every wedding she has been in. When you accept being a bridesmaid you know there is cost involved. $100 to me is a steal, to someone else I get that maybe it isn't. I would offer to help pay the difference.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Butterflyz419 said:
    plainjane0415 said:
    Butterflyz419 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    So @Butterflyz419 if I couldn't afford a $100 or more dress then that means that I am not deeply wanting to help my friend meet her wedding vision?
    Not what I said. If I honestly couldn't afford a $100 dress, and didn't think that I could scrape the money together from the time I was asked to be a BM to the time when dresses are typically ordered, I would tell the bride from the moment she asked me to a BM, and depending on the other circumstances of the wedding, probably turn down being a BM altogether. I would be understanding, and not at all resentful or thinking my friend a bridezilla if she had a vision of matching BMs in a dress that I just couldn't swing, and if that made me not be able to be a BM, I would be okay with that. To me it would be no different than expecting a couple to give up their vision of a destination wedding, just because I couldn't afford to get there at all and therefore made myself ineligible to be a BM. If my friend wanted to change her vision to accommodate me or financially assist me, I'd be deeply grateful and touched but I would NOT ever expect that and I'd likely feel pretty guilty about it.

    ETA: If I was this BM, instead of just saying that $100 was too much. I'd have privately talked to my friend and said, "I can only do $X right now, I'm so sorry. Can you cover the rest right now so we can order them on time and I promise to pay you back ASAP." To me, that would be more considerate and more helpful than just saying $100 is too much.


    But see, here's the thing.  The BM may never be able to pay the bride back.  Because if she can't afford the $100 dress now, how will she be able to afford it later if she only budgeted say $25-$50 for the dress? If the BM says her budget is $X, then the bride needs to be respectful of that and choose a dress within that budget.  It's easy, it's considerate, it's a win-win.

    Also, it's not really the bridesmaid's job to be considerate and helpful to your vision.  You asked them to be a part of your wedding, therefore, you are considerate to them when it comes to things like budget for a dress.

    I see, so BMs get to completely forget being friends to the bride and caring about what matters to her the minute you take on the title of BM. Um, if my friend the Bride is going to be so shallow and superficial as to hold an aesthetic look above my friendship, then yes, fuck her vision.  The bride is missing the entire point of what having a Wedding party means.  The bride is the only one who should make any accommodation.   No the Bride should plan and communicate appropriately so stupid shit like this doesn't happen, and be flexible when she needs to be because at the end of the day her wedding- which is likely going to be just another wedding in the lives of her friends- is not the be all end all of the universe, and none of her guests are going to care if she nails her "vision" exactly as she dreamed of doing.   It's an honor to be asked to be a BM, but some of you forget that.   No we know that. which is why this sort of shit is stupid to us.  "I want to give you a ceremonial role of honor but if you can't afford the dress I want you all to wear so my pictures look good, then you're out."  How is that being honored in any way?

    And yeah, I'd do my damnedest to pay back the bride even if that meant $5 a month for a year.
    .
    Anyone that is sooo obsessed and wrapped up in a superficial, wedding "vision" to the point where they prioritize that "vision" over having loved ones in their WP or attend their wedding, and who can't be flexible or compromise that "vision" is an immature and shallow person, IMO.

    My priorities were pretty simple:
    1. Make sure friends and family have a great fucking time- I needed good food, good drinks, and a good DJ to do this.
    2. See number 1.

    I was able to accomplish Priority 1 and still have a wedding that fit my "vision" all at the same time.  It's really easy to do.  It's called planning.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Viczaesar said:
    scribe95 said:
    So I thought the only duty of a bridesmaid was to show up in a dress and on time? That equates to buying the dress. She should expect to spend SOMETHING. Shouldn't be a surprise. 
    There does not have to be a cost, actually.  You can pick something that the bridesmaid already owns, such as a knee-length black dress, or something that she can borrow.  If your bridesmaid truly can't afford to buy a dress and you value you her standing next to you more than you do what she's wearing when she does so there are certainly ways of making that happen at no cost to her. 

    I'm also of the opinion that telling your bridesmaids what to wear is a bizarre tradition anyway and wish it would end, but that's another issue altogether.
    This.

    Die, stupid tradition, just die.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lbdlove said:
    plainjane0415 said:
    Right, if the OP had asked her bridesmaid's budget ahead of time there wouldn't be this discussion.  We post that over and over on topics like this so that lurkers understand that this is what could happen if you don't ask for budgets ahead of time.  Thus the reason for it being repeated in this thread.

    And, if you're going to continue to let your privledge show, that's cool, you can call me cheap, I don't really care. I am pretty economical, and I'm proud of it.  If I were having bridesmaids in my wedding, (which I'm not by the way, gasp!) I would make sure that my guests of honor were treated like guests of honor, and not struggling to be a part of my wedding because of some stupid dress they may only wear once.  That is the meaning of a true friend, in my opinion.  

    FTR, I can comment on/to whoever I would like. 
    Its called doing the right thing, not privilege. I'm sure you are better off then me. 

     Well that explains it all....
    Doing the right thing is highly subjective.  I wold donate money to an animal rescue or give money to a friend to buy groceries before I'd ever give a friend money to buy a BM dress that she will wear once, when there are so.many.other solutions to that problem.  Sorrynotsorry.

    No one else should have to crowdfund attire for a WP member because the Bride failed to plan and communicate properly.

    And did you really just insinuate that planejane can't have a valid opinion or solution to this issue just because she isn't having a bridal party?  Only people who have kids can have valid opinions on child care and child related issues too, right?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • MandyS573MandyS573 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    See what she can afford and pay for the remainder. Easier on both your budget and hers, not unfair to the other bridesmaids, and the dresses match. Seems like the most simple solution to me.
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