What Etiquette Breaches Did TK Save You From?

dcbride86 · January 2015

I've only attended 2 weddings (except for when I was a baby, but I don't count that), so before planning my own wedding I didn't know a lot of proper wedding/event etiquette. So far, TK has saved me from committing these etiquette no-nos:

-Putting "black tie optional" on the invites

-Inviting only SOs I deemed "serious" (looking back, I can't BELIEVE I considered this! But everyone told me it was okay, and even encouraged it!)

-Putting the ceremony time early (the crazy Jewish planner in me still wants to do this to allow for late guests, but I'm not doing it)

-Possibly asking guests to refrain from taking pictures (I just saw something about how it can interfere with photographers and briefly considered it)

-Sending out my invites 10+ weeks early (I go crazy when I don't plan ahead)

-Waiting until after my wedding to start sending thank you notes

What about you guys? What etiquette mishap did you almost have? Or am I the only one who was etiquette-stupid before coming here?

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Sending invitations to both a DW and AHR (term used loosely - I never intended to wear a dress or make the AHR a wedding) together and letting people choose which they wanted to go to...and sending these to EVERYONE and hoping only some would come to the DW.

floridabride44 · January 2015

I can't think of any major etiquette things it has saved me from, but TK has definitely made my hatred for PPDs even more intense.

A girl that I knew in high school who I'm still Facebook friends with got a quickie marriage two years ago because she got pregnant - and has recently started posting all about the "wedding" that she's planning for October. She took her husband's name back when they got married, so their registry is like "John Smith & Jane Smith's Wedding registry" It's so obnoxious. I just want to comment "YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED. YOU AREN'T A BRIDE, YOU'RE A WIFE"

ETA: grammar is hard.

allispain · January 2015

- Asking guests to refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony (this is something my mom wanted, but I was able to push back thanks to these boards)

- Buying matching gifts for my BMs (I did buy pictures frames for all of them, but I knew my crowd and knew they would actually like them, and then I bought each something individual)

charcoalandblush · January 2015

- Excluding SOs from the head table. I was never against it, but it honestly never occurred to me to seat their +1s with us. I've NEVER seen a head table with SOs before in the 12ish weddings I've been to. It's always been a sweetheart table or bridal party only.

- I wouldn't have known to ask my bridesmaids what their budget is for the dress. Same as the head table, it honestly had never occurred to me. I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and was never asked my budget (including one wedding with a $280 dress when I was a sophomore in college).

- Having the rehearsal dinner and the rehearsal on different nights. Our venue has another wedding on Friday, so we were going to have the rehearsal on Thursday night and the dinner on Friday night. Instead we'll just rehearse at the dinner venue before the dinner starts.

- TK is about to save DF from insisting on a partial cash bar. We argued about it before I started posting on TK, but I decided to just let it rest for the time being. But before we go to our catering appt, I'm going to print off the open bar stickie and tell him to read it start to finish and then give me ONE good reason why we should make our guests pay for anything. His main reason (and his parents, who are paying for most of the wedding) is "everyone else does it" and "I would never expect liquor to be provided at a wedding." Well (1) we are not "everyone" and (2) that's fine, we will not provide liquor. at all. for $ or for free.

I'm sure I'll think of others.

thisismynickname2 · January 2015

My very first post on here, if I remember correctly, was whether or not I could ask my friend, who is a professional musician, to play for my ceremony. That got shut down right quick!

I got good guidance on properly wording and addressing invitations, and what information to put on my website.

There were things that I had experienced that I didn't plan to do anyway, like have a gap (my area is gap-tastic) or even have a head table, but it was interesting to read up on why things were wrong rather than just feeling like things I'd experienced were annoying.

mikenberger · January 2015

I was totally going to have a gap. My cousin had one, but her ceremony was very small (and full of us drinkers) and the reception was in another town. So we had to travel anyways. Which meant BAR CRAWL! Which, sounded awesome to me. Alas. I cannot have my bar crawl but I'll be having one afterwards.

poodledoodleooo · January 2015

Having partially hosted cash bar (I was always against this, FI isn't and 18 days away from our wedding and this is still a bit of a battle ... grr...)

Not etiquette breaches but I also received help on:
- Setting boundaries with my crazy generous but boundary challenged FMIL
- Picking out perfect bridesmaids gifts
- feeling BEYOND *blessed* that my family and friends aren't redic in the way some of the ladies describe. Seriously, makes me so thankful that my challenges are all pretty dang minor. The drama of others definitely has helped me put my own into perspective.

blabla89 · January 2015

-Using wedding gifts before the wedding (not that we've gotten many yet, but I had no idea that was against etiquette)
-Letting FMIL have a cash bar at our RD (I knew it was tacky, but TK made me realize it was a hill worth dying on)
-Asking the WP to help with stuff (I've been asked to for every wedding I've been in and just assumed it was the norm)

Thank goodness for this board.

charcoalandblush · January 2015

blabla89 said:

-Asking the WP to help with stuff (I've been asked to for every wedding I've been in and just assumed it was the norm)

This one for me too

sophhabobopha · January 2015

I got on here before I even thought about wedding planning, so nothing really. But now I have ammo against etiquette challanged family!

psiloveyouu · January 2015

hsgator said:
I can't think of any major etiquette things it has saved me from, but TK has definitely made my hatred for PPDs even more intense.

A girl that I knew in high school who I'm still Facebook friends with got a quickie marriage two years ago because she got pregnant - and has recently started posting all about the "wedding" that she's planning for October. She took her husband's name back when they got married, so their registry is like "John Smith & Jane Smith's Wedding registry" It's so obnoxious. I just want to comment "YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED. YOU AREN'T A BRIDE, YOU'RE A WIFE"

ETA: grammar is hard.

A girl I went to high school with got married quickly before giving birth last year and is now having her "real wedding" the same day as mine this year. Bleghh. It's so tempting to comment something like this on her wedding related posts.

kat1114 · January 2015

The only one I can think of is no having a tip jar at the bar. Every wedding I've ever been to has had one, so I didn't know it was a no-no.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

- Timelines for sending stuff out (I'm type A through and through so I wanted to have things planned WAY in advance)

- putting the start time 15 minutes early

- asking BMs for the dress budget ahead of time

lyndausvi · January 2015

Nothing I can think of. Open bars (limited or full), enough food for a meal regardless of the time of day, chairs for every butt are standard things in my world. I had heard of cash bars, but never actually experienced them in real life. Never even heard of anyone attending one either.

I did break etiquette by mentioning attire on our FAQ. It said something like "the ceremony is on the actual beach. There will be a shoe valet available. Jackets and ties are not neccessary."

I stand by our choice as none of our guests had been to a beach wedding. I will take it a step farther and say I was the first to not get married in a church. Weddings are always dressy affairs. DH didn't wear a suit or tux or tie for that matter. We wanted to let the men know they didn't have to either. They would have worn them because "that's what you wear to weddings" in their minds. Which is fine if they did, but I got so many thank yous from men letting them know. They said they would have felt odd being dressier than the groom.

If I was having a standard church wedding I would have not put anything.

mikenberger · January 2015

psiloveyouu said:

I can't think of any major etiquette things it has saved me from, but TK has definitely made my hatred for PPDs even more intense.

A girl that I knew in high school who I'm still Facebook friends with got a quickie marriage two years ago because she got pregnant - and has recently started posting all about the "wedding" that she's planning for October. She took her husband's name back when they got married, so their registry is like "John Smith & Jane Smith's Wedding registry" It's so obnoxious. I just want to comment "YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED. YOU AREN'T A BRIDE, YOU'RE A WIFE"

ETA: grammar is hard.
A girl I went to high school with got married quickly before giving birth last year and is now having her "real wedding" the same day as mine this year. Bleghh. It's so tempting to comment something like this on her wedding related posts.

Why not? If it's common knowledge, I'd ask about it. "I thought you were already married? Did something happen?" *bats eyelashes*

floridabride44 · January 2015

kat1114 said:

The only one I can think of is no having a tip jar at the bar. Every wedding I've ever been to has had one, so I didn't know it was a no-no.

Through planning my own wedding I learned not to tip the bartenders when I'm a guest at a wedding. I used to always tip them, tip jar or not. I always just thought it was rude to order a drink and not tip, regardless of what event I was at. But now that I realize that the hosts are taking care of that 99% of the time (usually with a built-in relatively generous service charge) I'll never tip a wedding bartender again!

chloe97 · January 2015

The Honeymoon fund! We've had 5-6 friends use them and FI was soooo excited about setting one up after we got engaged, but I had to burst his bubble. Thank god I had TK to back me up. Ever since a coworker had a wedding shower at work but no registry and her guests were asked to bring her a bottle of wine or contribute to her honeymoon fund, I've had a terrible taste in my mouth about them!

marie2785 · January 2015

It's saved me from the cash bar my FI wanted and from having a 3 hr gap between ceremony and reception, but also made me accept a few etiquette breaches that I know I am going to have at my wedding. For example, FI and my parents are INSISTENT on having beer and wine for the whole wedding, but also serving 2 signature cocktails only during cocktail hour. I lost that battle since it was 3 against 1, but I fought hard (parents are paying for the reception, so it's not something I can change on my own).

I am excluding SOs from the head table. Reasoning--if I include them, I also need to add 10+ kids to the head table since we're inviting children, and 4 of the groomsmen have 2-4 kids each, many of which are at an age which they cannot be left unattended. The venue does not have a good way to do a 30+ person head table or captains table.

lyndausvi · January 2015

marie2785 said:

It's saved me from the cash bar my FI wanted and from having a 3 hr gap between ceremony and reception, but also made me accept a few etiquette breaches that I know I am going to have at my wedding. For example, FI and my parents are INSISTENT on having beer and wine for the whole wedding, but also serving 2 signature cocktails only during cocktail hour. I lost that battle since it was 3 against 1, but I fought hard (parents are paying for the reception, so it's not something I can change on my own).

I am excluding SOs from the head table. Reasoning--if I include them, I also need to add 10+ kids to the head table since we're inviting children, and 4 of the groomsmen have 2-4 kids each, many of which are at an age which they cannot be left unattended. The venue does not have a good way to do a 30+ person head table or captains table.

So why have a HT at all? I'm sure your GM's wives would be happy not to have to sit with the kids all by themselves. I know I would be giving stink eye to my husband up at a HT while I have to deal with the kids alone. Which BTW since he was in the WP, I'm sure at that point it would have been HOURS I was left alone with them, not just dinner.

Just my 2 cents

lovegood90 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

marie2785 said:

It's saved me from the cash bar my FI wanted and from having a 3 hr gap between ceremony and reception, but also made me accept a few etiquette breaches that I know I am going to have at my wedding. For example, FI and my parents are INSISTENT on having beer and wine for the whole wedding, but also serving 2 signature cocktails only during cocktail hour. I lost that battle since it was 3 against 1, but I fought hard (parents are paying for the reception, so it's not something I can change on my own).

I am excluding SOs from the head table. Reasoning--if I include them, I also need to add 10+ kids to the head table since we're inviting children, and 4 of the groomsmen have 2-4 kids each, many of which are at an age which they cannot be left unattended. The venue does not have a good way to do a 30+ person head table or captains table.

So why have a HT at all? I'm sure your GM's wives would be happy not to have to sit with the kids all by themselves. I know I would be giving stink eye to my husband up at a HT while I have to deal with the kids alone. Which BTW since he was in the WP, I'm sure at that point it would have been HOURS I was left alone with them, not just dinner.

Just my 2 cents

Agree with this. I would probably move my chair next to my partner/kids if I were them, regardless of where I was "supposed" to sit.

Why can't you just have a table with you, your H, your MOH/her family and your BM/his family, then seat the rest of the bridal party at separate tables with their families?

tcnoble · January 2015

Oh man TK has saved me. I had only been to two weddings before, which I now know had a slew of etiquette flaws, so I had no real basis for planning our wedding. Things I was able to avoid..

- a gap

- not seating bridal party with their SO's

- buying matching monogrammed BM gifts

- invite etiquette blunders

I hope my efforts don't go unnoticed by guests - we are trying really hard to be great hosts!

apromise22 · January 2015

charcoalandblush said:

- Excluding SOs from the head table. I was never against it, but it honestly never occurred to me to seat their +1s with us. I've NEVER seen a head table with SOs before in the 12ish weddings I've been to. It's always been a sweetheart table or bridal party only.

Ugh, I had to sit alone at a wedding (where I knew NO one except my fiance) because my fiance was at a head table. It was by far the worst wedding ever.

floridabride44 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

marie2785 said:

It's saved me from the cash bar my FI wanted and from having a 3 hr gap between ceremony and reception, but also made me accept a few etiquette breaches that I know I am going to have at my wedding. For example, FI and my parents are INSISTENT on having beer and wine for the whole wedding, but also serving 2 signature cocktails only during cocktail hour. I lost that battle since it was 3 against 1, but I fought hard (parents are paying for the reception, so it's not something I can change on my own).

I am excluding SOs from the head table. Reasoning--if I include them, I also need to add 10+ kids to the head table since we're inviting children, and 4 of the groomsmen have 2-4 kids each, many of which are at an age which they cannot be left unattended. The venue does not have a good way to do a 30+ person head table or captains table.

So why have a HT at all? I'm sure your GM's wives would be happy not to have to sit with the kids all by themselves. I know I would be giving stink eye to my husband up at a HT while I have to deal with the kids alone. Which BTW since he was in the WP, I'm sure at that point it would have been HOURS I was left alone with them, not just dinner.

Just my 2 cents

Yeah by the time dinner rolls around the wives are gonna be all..

apromise22 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:
[boxes got messed up] I didn't see that someone was actually planning on doing this--noooo! Why even have a head table? As others have pointed out, it's not "just dinner" that the dates are separated from the bridal party (something brides who do this love to claim)--they're separated for photos and the ceremony as well. I promise you, your bridal party and their loved ones will resent you for this. Just have a sweetheart table or sit at a regular table and let your guests sit with their loved ones.

At the very least, let your bridal party know that you plan on doing this, so that their dates can stay home. I wish I did.

kat1114 · January 2015

hsgator said:

kat1114 said:

The only one I can think of is no having a tip jar at the bar. Every wedding I've ever been to has had one, so I didn't know it was a no-no.

Through planning my own wedding I learned not to tip the bartenders when I'm a guest at a wedding. I used to always tip them, tip jar or not. I always just thought it was rude to order a drink and not tip, regardless of what event I was at. But now that I realize that the hosts are taking care of that 99% of the time (usually with a built-in relatively generous service charge) I'll never tip a wedding bartender again!

I don't know if that's necessarily true. The bartending service we used had two choices: 1) allow the bartender to have a tip jar out, or 2) pre-pay the gratuity and have no tip jar out.

If I went to a wedding and saw a tip jar out, I would assume the hosts hadn't taken care of it.

annathy03 · January 2015

@marie2785 we did a sweetheart table and sat the BP at round tables flanking us so they were still up front but with their SOs/baby, I'd seriously consider something like that.

TK helped me avoid (or at least helped me nix them earlier):

A head table- sweethearts were getting more common in our circle but I was used to seeing HTs with just the BP.

Partial cash bar- H was worried some guests might want fancy liquor and I couldn't find the right words to disagree before TK.

Bridesmaid budget- While I decided to buy the dresses for them asking this hadn't occurred to me, I probably would have assumed a DB price range was just fine.

Bridesmaid gifts- I might have just done jewelry or something because it was easy and they would have assumed it was to wear that day. TK encouraged me to get more individualized gifts.

Dollar dance- OK this was mostly the awkwardness of it at H's cousin's wedding that convinced H, I never wanted one.

B listing- several people encouraged this to us IRL, blech.

ETA: "Adult Only Reception" on the invites- not only was this not 100% true since my infant niece was present, but multiple family members encouraged it "to avoid confusion".

I wish I could say they helped me avoid a tip jar, but our bartender either ignored that request or it wasn't communicated to him, and I only found out after (I actually never went to the bar, one of H's groomsmen kept grabbing me champagne when he got himself a refill).

charcoalandblush · January 2015

apromise22 said:
Ugh, I had to sit alone at a wedding (where I knew NO one except my fiance) because my fiance was at a head table. It was by far the worst wedding ever.

This happened to me at FSIL's wedding. I was between her second cousins and the pastor and her husband (all of whom I had never met before) and DF was at the head table. It sucked bigtime.

blushingbride8888 · January 2015

So much so far! I'm the first wedding in my family in YEARS...the last wedding in immediate family I was 5 and a flower girl...and first of my group of friends. They've all been bridesmaids so I'm relying on their insight!

CASH BAR - my Fi and I are paying for more of the wedding ourselves but both our families continue to try to convince us to make our open bar a cash bar. I might have caved before out of pure frustration if it wasn't for TK.

Matchy bridesmaid gifts - I may still give them matchy pretty Kate Spade knot earrings (they're simple, cute and not a requirement to wear for the wedding)...but they'll be getting an individual gift to suit their tastes as well. Thanks to TK there will be no matchy robes

Asking the WP to help with stuff - most of my bridesmaids have been asked in their previous bridesmaid experiences to do WAY more than even the craziest bridezilla I've heard of...one of them I swear she was more like a servant than a MOH. Wish that crazy bride had found TK. I just want my bridesmaids to show up in a dress and have the best time ever!

d&bbride2015 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

marie2785 said:

It's saved me from the cash bar my FI wanted and from having a 3 hr gap between ceremony and reception, but also made me accept a few etiquette breaches that I know I am going to have at my wedding. For example, FI and my parents are INSISTENT on having beer and wine for the whole wedding, but also serving 2 signature cocktails only during cocktail hour. I lost that battle since it was 3 against 1, but I fought hard (parents are paying for the reception, so it's not something I can change on my own).

I am excluding SOs from the head table. Reasoning--if I include them, I also need to add 10+ kids to the head table since we're inviting children, and 4 of the groomsmen have 2-4 kids each, many of which are at an age which they cannot be left unattended. The venue does not have a good way to do a 30+ person head table or captains table.

So why have a HT at all? I'm sure your GM's wives would be happy not to have to sit with the kids all by themselves. I know I would be giving stink eye to my husband up at a HT while I have to deal with the kids alone. Which BTW since he was in the WP, I'm sure at that point it would have been HOURS I was left alone with them, not just dinner.

Just my 2 cents

I'm with lyndausvi. We aren't having a HT because of the fact that most wedding's do not include SO at the table. Just have a sweetheart table and then sit your WP with their SO and children. I hate going to weddings where I have to sit alone while my SO is sitting at the HT or vice versa.

rcher912 · January 2015

thisismynickname said:

My very first post on here, if I remember correctly, was whether or not I could ask my friend, who is a professional musician, to play for my ceremony. That got shut down right quick!

I got good guidance on properly wording and addressing invitations, and what information to put on my website.

There were things that I had experienced that I didn't plan to do anyway, like have a gap (my area is gap-tastic) or even have a head table, but it was interesting to read up on why things were wrong rather than just feeling like things I'd experienced were annoying.

Wait, sorry I'm late - why is this not ok? Just curious!

ETA:

1. Timelines!!!

2. PPDs (although not my plan anyway, you all have taught me a lot, haha)

3. Inviting all SOs, whether I know them or not. I know the person I'm inviting, and that's their social unit. I need to respect that.

What Etiquette Breaches Did TK Save You From?

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