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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Andrea7035
member
Pros/Cons of having our ceremony and reception on different days?
Hi there! This post is to see if anyone has had or been to a wedding where the ceremony and reception were separated on different days. I've seen a few posts on here related to this topic, with the reasoning being finances or logistics (e.g., one of the families lives elsewhere so the bride and groom have two celebrations to include everyone). I'm still open to a traditional wedding day with the ceremony and reception back-to-back, but I'm wondering if it may be more enjoyable to separate them so we can truly take in each event and not feel rushed.
For background: I've been engaged since August 2014 (about four months now) and the wedding planning is slow moving. We've literally been all over the map with ideas on the format of our wedding. We love to the outdoors and traveling, so naturally we originally thought a destination wedding would be fitting with about 50 family and friends. We even went for an entire week to CO to visit a few venues I had lined up, but in experiencing the actual drive, we realized it was going to be difficult for some of those closest to us to get to - the whole point of a destination wedding. That was in October.
Since then, we've been scouting out places near our hometown of Austin, Texas. We've been focusing on an outdoor-indoor option in the Texas Hill Country with a similar feel as those in Colorado (with the exception of mountains and free-roaming elk, of course). We found a beautiful old historic home that fits the bill and I was ready to put the deposit down a few days ago, only the in-house coordinator isn't the most responsive and over the last few days my fickle mind is making me thing twice.
I keep hearing from married friends and family "how fast the day goes by" and "how I didn't even get to see/talk/spend time with everyone, but saw they came in pictures and it looked like they had a good time" and "We were so excited with adrenaline pumping that we were moving so quickly through all the events of the day and hardly remember any of it!" These were all from friends/family who had 75-125 guests so not too too big of a wedding. Of course, they all provide their two cents on how to overcome some of those regrets (e.g., take a moment the two of you to look around and soak it in; have a private dinner with just you and your husband pre-reception to avoid forgetting to eat/remember the food you spend so much $$ on," etc.)
BUT, is there an alternative? We brides on average spend a full year, coupled with all the energy and money, planning our weddings that it's a little daunting knowing that all that effort goes into one day that I too will likely think it goes by too quickly. We're not the flashy types and I hope this post doesn't come off as me wanting to have more attention by prolonging our wedding, but:
- Is there simply too much packed into a traditional wedding day?
- Is there simply too much packed into a traditional wedding day?
- Has anyone had their (or been experienced as a guest) wedding ceremony and reception on different days?
- For those who haven't, what are your thoughts and any suggestions on the format, who to invite to each, etc?
Thanks in advance and looking forward to insight, advice, comments.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Pros/Cons of having our ceremony and reception on different days?
It is also inappropriate to have a gap of any length between the ceremony and the reception. If you want to take photos immediately after the ceremony, then the reception begins with a "cocktail hour" for the guests immediately after the ceremony while the couple, their families, and the bridal party take photos. Alcohol need not actually be served during the cocktail hour, but refreshments must be made available to the guests. (Note: the cocktail hour should not exceed one hour, and photos should not be taken at other locations than the ceremony and/or reception venues.)
There can be another "celebration" on another day, but it is considered a separate event from the wedding and reception itself. It is not a "wedding reception" and should not be billed as such; nor should there be a reenactment of the ceremony or other "wedding" elements at it such as a bridal gown, spotlight dances, or cake-cutting. The boat for those things will have sailed.
Although etiquette does allow for inviting people to the reception who are not invited to the ceremony, something not looked on favorably is to have a small ceremony deemed "intimate" followed by a larger reception unless the ceremony is for immediate family members and their SOs only. For example, a twenty-person ceremony followed by a fifty-person reception is considered rude. (Exception: Mormon sealing ceremony or something with religious restrictions.)
Personally, I would be annoyed with it as a guest to have your event take up two of my days and probably choose one over the other. You're also going to potentially have people who for some reason or another cannot make both days work. Then you end up with the possibility of people attending the ceremony who were not properly thanked and hosted with a reception...which is rude.
I think it's kind of a selfish thing to do. It seems like it's rooted in not wanting to be selfish in theory and spend time with people, but you're doing it for you, not for the benefit of your guests. If I'm a friend and only know 10 people there (or maybe only know the bride or the groom like at my one friends wedding), I don't need MORE time to mingle with people I don't know, let alone on two separate days.
The fact of the matter is, all parties are like this. All parties where you are either the host or the guest of honor are especially like this. Would you do this for any other party? A graduation party? A birthday party? An anniversary party? A holiday? I cooked dinner for 35 family members for Thanksgiving. As host, I spent most of the afternoon in the kitchen cooking while some of my family noshed on apps and watched football and other holiday things. Should I make Thanksgiving last two days so that I feel I get sufficient football watching and food noshing with them to make up for the fact that I'm hosting and responsible for cooking?
Make minor changes to the day to free up your schedule as much as you can to spend more time people and find ways to make the time you do spend meaningful and heartfelt with the short amount of time you're able to dedicate to each person. And remember, if these are people you love then spend time with them outside of your wedding doing non-wedding associated activities. It's not like the wedding is the only opportunity to talk and spend time with them if you're maintaining your relationships outside of your wedding.
Formerly martha1818
Your wedding reception is not for YOU. It is for your ceremony guests.
Asking your guests to give up two days for your wedding is asking too much.
You can have as many parties as you wish after you are married, but they will not be a part of your wedding.
-Do a first look and do all of your photos in advance. Attend cocktail hour and use that time to greet your guests so you don't feel rushed through dinner.
-Some couples even get ready together if you're looking for more time with your FI. You don't have to get ready separately.
-Plan ample time for hair and makeup so you don't feel rushed. Have them come to the hotel.
-If you aren't having a religious ceremony, consider having everything at one location - the hotel. This will cut down on travel time between getting ready venue, ceremony venue, and reception venue. More time for the things that matter!
-Here's an etiquette approved way to try to get more time with all of your guests: Invite all of your guests to the rehearsal dinner. More time to spend with them. The rehearsal dinner doesn't have to be fancy. It just has to be enough food for the time of day. Pizza or trays of pasta are totally fine. You can also do a morning rehearsal and brunch or luncheon with sandwich trays.
These are all great. A few more to build upon it:
I agree with PPs. The ceremony and reception can't be separated. You can eliminate some of the reception traditions such as the bouquet and garter toss, have your first dance and cut the cake at the beginning of the reception, combine the Bride/FOB dance with the Groom/MOG dance? If you want more time with your guests, host a brunch the day after the wedding.
Going be honest, if I was invited to the wedding that you're suggesting, I would only attend one event and that would probably be the fun part - the reception.
I went to a wedding where I was invited to the reception only and it was actually very beautiful. They spent extra money to make sure all the guests were comfortable and I had a really great time! Doesnt matter how many days you take. You can do your wedding however YOU want. I went to one wedding where it was the ceremony earlier in the day, reception later in the evening and then there was a huge breakfast/luncheon the following day! I loved it. It occupies the time for people coming out of town (we were from another country) and I felt welcome and comfortable.
It goes by too quickly for the couple. But for guests, even local ones, maybe getting a sitter, dressing up, traveling, attending, traveling home, then on another day doing that over again, that seems an imposition on my time. Instead of sixty dollars for a sitter, it will be over a hundred.
The ceremony may be thirty minutes or an hour, but dressing up and travel may take three if close by. People working weekends may get one day off using vacation days, but two?
Some years we attend no weddings. But some we attend five or more, record was 17. Add on baptisms and graduations and retirement parties and showers an bachelor's parties. People want some of their non-working time to themselves. I hope you see it is not about denying people the wedding they want.
For various reasons some people have had separate ceremony and reception days, and I go to the ceremony,skip the reception.
The only time other than a DW that I have attended both on separate days was twice when families had two children getting married and each wanted their own ceremony, different religions of new spouses.
For an after Sundown Jewish ceremony Saturday night, B 1 and G 1. Sun morning 11am, B 2 and G2 civil ceremony. Sun noon, both couples and their friends, two grooms from one family and the two brides had a joint reception for all three families and many overlapping friends who knew both couples
The second was a Sat Protestant wedding at noon , cross town a Catholic wedding at 1:30, all three families and all friends reception starting 2:30 thru evening.
I could justify the two days or the one with a 1 1/2 hour gap between the first ceremony and reception because two weddings were involved, two religions, and 3 families. But not so one couple could stretch out their fun.
The "it's your wedding, do whatever YOU want" mentality generally does not coexist well with proper etiquette (and this is an etiquette board). If you decide to invite guests, you have to host them properly. Committing them to a full weekend so they can both see the wedding AND be thanked for it at the reception, is not hosting them properly. Asking guests to give up more than one day in order to see a wedding and then be properly thanked for it, is expecting too much of other people's time.
Next day breakfasts (like the one you mentioned) or night-before welcoming dinners are different than splitting up the reception and ceremony. They are optional. They can be skipped because they are outside of the wedding ceremony & the thank you reception.
Also, the gap you mentioned between the ceremony and reception was rude of the hosts of the wedding you attended. Gaps tend to cause problems for a lot of guests. They tend to be long enough to be boring but short enough that the guest can't change clothes, get somewhere else, get back, change clothes again and make it to the reception. A gap is essentially commanding your guests' time without actually hosting them. Not cool.
Also, this is an older thread...
Couple claims it went well, be interesting to have the perspective from a guest. I am not trying to say this is a good idea, but apparently it is a "thing". I personally wouldn't want to spend more than one day on the wedding, even if it was someone close to me, because I have to consider potentially taking off more time for work and also means I've potentially spent other time/money already for other things already like shower, parties, whatnot. I like lyndausvi's reference about the super bowl, I think that also explains it well.