Couple's Shower Guest List Etiquette

bleidig · January 2015

I am having a destination wedding in Kauai, Hawaii and pretty much all of my fiancé's family is not able to come to our wedding. We are going to have a second reception in Kentucky, which is where his family lives. I am in a conflict with who to invite to our couple's shower. My mom is paying for our entire wedding (long story) and one of my sister's and her are throwing us our shower. My mom does not want our shower to be too big, but I do not know who we should and should not invite. Help please!

novella1186 · January 2015

You can only invite people who are also invited to the wedding. If your FI's family is invited to the wedding but they can't make it, that's ok, they can still be invited to the shower. But if they're not invited to the wedding at all (and the second reception does not count as the wedding because you will already be married by then) then do not invite them to the shower.

It's considered very rude to invite people to pre-wedding parties if they won't be invited to the wedding.

As long as they're on the wedding guest list (sorry, I know I'm getting very repetitive here but I just want to be clear) then you can invite anyone to the shower you want-- just close relatives, friends and relatives, whatever.

bleidig · January 2015

My fiancé has a huge family. His dad is one of seven children. Random, but how did you include that image on the bottom of your post? Who usually is invited to the shower though?

novella1186 · January 2015

bleidig said:

My fiancé has a huge family. His dad is one of seven children. Random, but how did you include that image on the bottom of your post? Who usually is invited to the shower though?

STB
So is this entire huge family invited to the wedding? Are you saying if you invite your entire guest list to your shower, then the shower guest list will be too big?

Here's what we're doing for my shower (which I think is pretty typical): My aunt is hosting one in my home town. My friends and relatives are scattered all over the country, so only the people who live within a reasonable driving distance (and who are invited to the wedding) are invited to that shower. So it's about 20 people.

My FSIL is hosting another shower in the city I live in now and is inviting the relatives from her side of the family who live around here and who are invited to the wedding, as well as my friends who live around here. So again, about 20 or 30 people.

You can invite whoever you want to your shower (as long as they're invited to the wedding, like I said before, and sorry to be repetitive but I don't want to give mixed messages). It can be for one side of the family or the other or both (however if you're only have one shower it would be nice to include FI's side too if you can swing it) or just close relatives or just the people that you have close relationships with. Whatever works for your particular circumstances.

novella1186 · January 2015

Oh, and the image at the bottom of my post is my "signature." Go to your account settings by clicking on your name in the very top right corner and edit your signature.

To add a gif/image,

find the one you want, right click,

click "copy image URL,"

come back to this site,

click on the tiny green square at the top of the text box, like the box you type in when you post,

hit control + V, or right clock and paste.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

The only people you can invite to your shower are the same people who are invited to the wedding. And by wedding I mean the one happening in Hawaii.

As for who you should invite to your shower from your wedding guest list, first you need to ask your Mom and sister for a max head count. Typically those invited to a shower are some of your nearest and dearest, not the entire wedding guest list. Since you are having a couples shower then you and your FI need to work on a guest list together while keeping in the mind the max number your Mom and Sister gave you.

lovegood90 · January 2015

novella1186 said:

You can only invite people who are also invited to the wedding. If your FI's family is invited to the wedding but they can't make it, that's ok, they can still be invited to the shower. But if they're not invited to the wedding at all (and the second reception does not count as the wedding because you will already be married by then) then do not invite them to the shower.

It's considered very rude to invite people to pre-wedding parties if they won't be invited to the wedding.

As long as they're on the wedding guest list (sorry, I know I'm getting very repetitive here but I just want to be clear) then you can invite anyone to the shower you want-- just close relatives, friends and relatives, whatever.

Agree with all this. Also, the hosts should indicate how many people they can afford to host, so they have the final say on the number of people.

MandyMost · January 2015

You can invite up to everyone invited to the wedding (the actual wedding, where you will become legally married). So if you're inviting 100 people to the wedding, you can invite those same 100 people to the shower.

However, you don't HAVE TO invite anyone to the shower. You could invite 10 out of the 100 people invited tot he wedding, or 20, or 50. That's totally up to you and the shower hosts.

bleidig · January 2015

So far only my mom and sister have offered to throw me a shower. Yes, I didn't know if I had to invite everyone that we are inviting to the wedding because then if everyone showed up, our shower would have 75 people. So who should I invite and who should I leave out? Did you FSIL offer to throw you a shower? It kind of hurts that none of my in-laws have offered to throw us a shower. I think they are trying to keep it under 40.

SP29 · January 2015

Agreed- ask your mom and sister how many they are willing to host and go from there.

Some people have pretty large, lavish showers, but generally speaking, showers are more intimate events with close friends and family.

You can also have more than one shower (with non overlapping guest lists), so you aren't required to invite EVERYONE you *think* you should invite to this one shower -i.e. if FI has a large family that would come to the shower and is beyond what your mom/sister can host, then maybe someone from FI's family should throw their own shower. Of course you would never ask or even imply this, just saying that your mom and sister don't have to push their budget so that ALL of FI's family can be included.

bleidig · January 2015

But people have to offer to throw you a shower right? I wish someone from my FI's family would offer, but no one has yet.

SP29 · January 2015

Yes, that is correct, a shower can only be offered.

And his family may never offer to throw one, but at the same time, his family can't get mad at you (or your mom/sister) for not inviting the whole family to the shower they are hosting.

Since you are having a couples' shower, I would invite some of his family, but keep it small. Grandparents, parents, siblings, maybe a couple aunts/uncles and cousins (IF they are close), plus friends.

bleidig · January 2015

My FI is just stressed because he wants his family to be there, but we don't know which family members we should not invite to the shower. Are any of you having a DW?

novella1186 · January 2015

bleidig said:

So far only my mom and sister have offered to throw me a shower. Yes, I didn't know if I had to invite everyone that we are inviting to the wedding because then if everyone showed up, our shower would have 75 people. So who should I invite and who should I leave out? Did you FSIL offer to throw you a shower? It kind of hurts that none of my in-laws have offered to throw us a shower. I think they are trying to keep it under 40.

Yes, both my aunt and my FSIL called and offered, and they were excited about it. I had no reason to decline, so I accepted both offers.

It's ok if FI's side of the family doesn't offer you a shower; they don't have to. But as SP29 said, they also don't get to be offended if they're not invited to the one your mom is hosting. It's important to limit the guest list to what the host is able to afford/willing to deal with.

Sit down with your FI (since this is a couples shower) and make a list. Start with the people who are the very most important to you (your parents, siblings, best friends, grandparents) and then move on to the next "tier" : the people you are very close with but aren't quite as close as the first tier. Keep moving outward in tiers like that (the aunt you only talk to once a year? The cousin you haven't seen in three years? That random uncle you don't really know? It's ok if they don't make the cut.) Once you've hit the maximum number of people that the host wants to have, stop.

novella1186 · January 2015

bleidig said:

My FI is just stressed because he wants his family to be there, but we don't know which family members we should not invite to the shower. Are any of you having a DW?

See my previous post. Who you invite depends on your personal relationships with these people. One of my dad's sisters is extremely close to me so she is invited. His other sister never bothers to speak to any of us and I haven't seen her or talked to her in 12 years. She is not invited.

One of my cousins lives out of town and we never ever talk. Another one of my cousins also lives out of town but we visit each other, text, facebook etc. The latter is invited, the former is not.

Think of it this way: if you were hosting an intimate dinner party at your own house for the people you are closest to, who would you invite?

Maggie0829 · January 2015

SP29 said:

Yes, that is correct, a shower can only be offered.

And his family may never offer to throw one, but at the same time, his family can't get mad at you (or your mom/sister) for not inviting the whole family to the shower they are hosting.

Since you are having a couples' shower, I would invite some of his family, but keep it small. Grandparents, parents, siblings, maybe a couple aunts/uncles and cousins (IF they are close), plus friends.

This.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

So first someone offers to throw you a shower. Then you say "great, thanks! how many people were you thinking you can host?" The host gives you a number.

You can fill that number however you want, but every single name on the list should be someone who will be invited to the wedding. If you know they can't go to the wedding (because it's a DW), fine. But they have to be invited.

bleidig · January 2015

The thing is we don't get to see his family very often because we live in VA and they live in Kentucky. So the family members that he should to be close to, he's not as close to anymore. So people shouldn't have a reason to get offended if not all of his aunts and uncles are not invited? Everyone that we are inviting to the shower is going to be invited to the wedding.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

bleidig said:

The thing is we don't get to see his family very often because we live in VA and they live in Kentucky. So the family members that he should to be close to, he's not as close to anymore. So people shouldn't have a reason to get offended if not all of his aunts and uncles are not invited? Everyone that we are inviting to the shower is going to be invited to the wedding.

OP, you are over thinking this.

You and your FI need to make a list of people that YOU want to be invited to the shower. If people get butt hurt because they aren't invited well that is their problem.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

bleidig said:

The thing is we don't get to see his family very often because we live in VA and they live in Kentucky. So the family members that he should to be close to, he's not as close to anymore. So people shouldn't have a reason to get offended if not all of his aunts and uncles are not invited? Everyone that we are inviting to the shower is going to be invited to the wedding.

We can't tell you to invite. We can't say, invite 1 uncle, 1 aunt, and 3 cousins, and 2 best friends. We don't know the relationships you have with different people.

Since everyone is invited to the wedding, you and your FI need to make the decision on who to invite. Is the shower in VA? If so, the relatives from Kentucky probably wouldn't come anyway just for a shower. I would leave them off personally.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

scribe95 said:

bleidig said:

So far only my mom and sister have offered to throw me a shower. Yes, I didn't know if I had to invite everyone that we are inviting to the wedding because then if everyone showed up, our shower would have 75 people. So who should I invite and who should I leave out? Did you FSIL offer to throw you a shower? It kind of hurts that none of my in-laws have offered to throw us a shower. I think they are trying to keep it under 40.

Are you serious? No one has to throw you a shower. Get over it. Invite those closest to you. And frankly since you decided to have a super expensive destination wedding that none of your FI's family can attend maybe they didn't feel like throwing you a party. I wouldn't.

QFMFT.

OP, do you realize how it comes off when you say you're disappointed your FILs haven't offered to throw you a shower? I'll translate: "I'm offended that my future in-laws have not offered to spend money and time throwing a party in my honor where the attendees are expected to bring me presents."

Part of the planning process involves deciding who your VIPs are and taking into consideration the likelihood that they'll be able to attend if you plan your wedding in X location, during Y time of the year, with Z cost to attend. It doesn't sound like his family that can't make it to your wedding are at the top of your VIP list. And that's OK. But don't allow disappointment to creep in when they don't offer to throw you a bridal/couples shower.

If it were so important to you guys to see his family and celebrate with them, dare I say you would have planned a local wedding?

SP29 · January 2015

bleidig said:

The thing is we don't get to see his family very often because we live in VA and they live in Kentucky. So the family members that he should to be close to, he's not as close to anymore. So people shouldn't have a reason to get offended if not all of his aunts and uncles are not invited? Everyone that we are inviting to the shower is going to be invited to the wedding.

YES. There are NO rules on who and who not to invite (so we cannot tell you that).The only thing we can tell you is that you do not have to invite every single person you've invited to the wedding, not EVERY aunt/uncle/cousin. It is entirely up to you and your FI. If your FI wants his family there, then that is something you'll have to discuss with him based on the party your mom and sister are able to host.

A shower is also not a family reunion, and as said before, is usually a more intimate event with your nearest and dearest.

My MOH, with the help of my mom, threw me a bridal shower. Pretty much all the women on my side of the family invited to the wedding were invited to the shower (but my family is not that big), plus my close female friends who lived in town (a large number of my friends are OOT like us). I also invited my MIL, SIL, gradmother-in-law and I think DH"s aunt and female cousin. But we didn't invite other members of DH's family invited to the wedding because even DH is not close to them. I think there were ~15 guest at the shower, our total guest list was 115 (though no males were invited to the shower).

bleidig · January 2015

I didn't post this so I could get attacked and judged. I never said that my wedding was going to be super expensive, with the exception of plane tickets. My wedding is actually going to be cheaper than if I was going to get married in Virginia. I am not the first person to have a DW. I was just looking for advice.

bleidig · January 2015

I appreciate those of you who have been helpful and nice. While others have come off very catty, which is not what I believe this site or discussion board was intended for. My FIL's are important to me and I am not going to apologize for a wedding that my FI and I have been waiting to have for 3 years. I am also not going to apologize because we want to have a DW, I didn't say that his family had to throw me a shower or do anything.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

bleidig said:

I didn't post this so I could get attacked and judged. I never said that my wedding was going to be super expensive, with the exception of plane tickets. My wedding is actually going to be cheaper than if I was going to get married in Virginia. I am not the first person to have a DW. I was just looking for advice.

bleidig said:

I appreciate those of you who have been helpful and nice. While others have come off very catty, which is not what I believe this site or discussion board was intended for. My FIL's are important to me and I am not going to apologize for a wedding that my FI and I have been waiting to have for 3 years. I am also not going to apologize because we want to have a DW, I didn't say that his family had to throw me a shower or do anything.

You were not attacked. Destination Weddings were not criticized, and you shouldn't feel like you have to defend your wedding (if it's hosted properly). Posters were simply telling you in a straightforward manner the rules and etiquette surrounding the situation. Some of it was blunt -- that's sort of how the boards on The Knot are.

Regarding the first bolded - I assume you're responding to my post. Nobody said that your wedding was too over-the-top or anything, but you have to understand that your wedding planning choices will affect who attends and how they manage to get themselves to your wedding (airfare, lodging, time off of work, wedding gift, outfits, etc.). It comes at a price. Stating that your guests will have to make sacrifices to attend the wedding is not attacking you or your wedding, it's factual.

To the second bolded - Of course you didn't say that they were required to throw you a shower, but feeling hurt that you aren't getting TWO showers kind of reeks of entitlement. You probably don't want to hear that, but that's my honest opinion. Lots of brides don't even have one bridal shower, so just enjoy the one that your family is hosting for you.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

I feel like we need to recap here.

- Ask the hostess of your shower how many people she can host, and stay under that number for the shower guest list

- Invite your "nearest and dearest" to the shower -- do NOT invite anyone to the shower who is not on your Hawaii wedding guest list because that would be rude. Don't worry about offending Great Aunt Suzy that you only see once every 3 years by not inviting her to your shower. They're typically a more intimate event.

- Send prompt thank you notes after the shower with personalized notes to the gift givers

- The Kentucky at-home reception should also only include guests who were invited to the actual wedding. This marriage celebration should not have any wedding elements - photo albums of the wedding are probably okay and cake of course is always welcome. But no first dance, bridesmaids/groomsmen, tosses, etc.

Viczaesar · January 2015

bleidig said:

I didn't post this so I could get attacked and judged. I never said that my wedding was going to be super expensive, with the exception of plane tickets. My wedding is actually going to be cheaper than if I was going to get married in Virginia. I am not the first person to have a DW. I was just looking for advice.

Cheaper for YOU. It's going to cost your friends and loved ones significantly more money to go to your destination wedding in Hawaii.

bleidig · January 2015

None of my friends are coming, my grandparents have time shares in Hawaii and some of my family members are treating it like a vacation, but also attending a wedding. Again, thank you for everyone that gave me helpful advice.

Viczaesar · January 2015

bleidig said:

None of my friends are coming, my grandparents have time shares in Hawaii and some of my family members are treating it like a vacation, but also attending a wedding. Again, thank you for everyone that gave me helpful advice.

The point missed you by a mile. PP said this: "And frankly since you decided to have a super expensive destination wedding that none of your FI's family can attend maybe they didn't feel like throwing you a party. I wouldn't."

You then complained that the wedding wasn't expensive, and that it's actually costing you less than a local wedding would.

I pointed out that YOU are the one saving money at the expense of your guests, who have to pay a lot more to attend your wedding than they would if it were local (or at least in the contiguous states).

Now you're responding by talking about your family that is coming because they can afford the increased expense (either by using their timeshare vacation time or by making it into an official vacation trip and use vacation money that would otherwise be used differently), and completely missing the point about your FI's family NOT being able to afford to come to your expensive (to them) destination wedding and how that might have negatively affected their desire to throw you a shower. Get it now?

bleidig · January 2015

My FI family said before we even chose to do a DW that they wouldn't come even if it were in Virginia. Then after we had already been down money and started planning everything in Hawaii. Some of my FI said they wish we had done it in Virginia. When they originally said they would only attend our wedding only if it were in Kentucky.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

bleidig said:
My FI family said before we even chose to do a DW that they wouldn't come even if it were in Virginia. Then after we had already been down money and started planning everything in Hawaii. Some of my FI said they wish we had done it in Virginia. When they originally said they would only attend our wedding only if it were in Kentucky.

It was rude of them to make you feel any sort of regret (if you had any) about not planning a KY/VA wedding by saying, "well, if you had done it in X state we actually would have come.." That was wrong of them.

I still don't understand why you seem to be more hurt about them not offering to host a shower for you than you are about them flat out saying they wouldn't come to your wedding. Whether or not they have legitimate reasons for originally refusing to travel to a wedding outside of KY, we don't know, but the actions you describe in your previous post makes them sound manipulative.

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