has anyone ever changed their mind about kids)

littlemushroom · January 2015

@photokitty‌ I didn't say she shouldn't think about what she wants. But talking to her H about it isn't going to help anything right now.

On top of deciding if kids are a deal breaker for her, she also has to decide if she wants kids WITH her H. And I don't think that is a question she can honestly answer until she sees if the rest of their relationship is fixable. His answer on whether he would have kids is irrelevant if she wouldn't want to have kids with him.

penguin44 · January 2015

WhatawagSBNy said:

It is pretty common for this to happen with people who thought the issue settled. A lot depends on why DH does not want kids. Some do not mind kids themselves, but like the independence of daily life without family responsibilities. Travel when you want to , enjoy adult pursuits in your non-work time, no dealing with lost work time and babies up all night. Sometimes in the family they come from they were the silent witness to fighting or aggression between parents who resented the demands made by kids, or at least the financial strains. These people sometimes will reconsider if now they are in a better place financially than there parents were. The ability to hire a nanny or mother's helper a couple of days a week, and having some close family or friends who will now and again take care of a young child so parents have little stress, and time to be adults and romantic partners not always kid-first, makes a huge difference. It is worth talking about if this is true for you. And sometimes short term single issue counseling can help you examine what conditions, if changed, could make the change to having kids acceptable. Sometimes, no. People who never change their mind and usually divorce if given no choice include lots of very nice people who have discovered in earlier years that they can tolerate kids around for short periods only and enjoy it. But they have no tolerance for the give and take of children, the control issues that reoccur at different ages through kids development, the sheer noise of kids. And they know it brings for an anger in them. Always a "won't that kid ever shut up" feeling. And the feeling results in bad temper toward the mother and child. Like an alcoholic who stays away from drink forever as a way of avoiding the awful things they feel and do, the loss of their control over their life, these people simply know themselves better than even their spouse does. They do not want to open the bottle and release the spirits, they want Pandora's box firmly closed. And they are right. With those feelings they can be great uncles but cruel fathers. Some can explain their feelings. Some feel ashamed. Therapy may make a couple see the issue is there. And then they accept it and stay childless, or they divorce. Communication between spouses is they key to finding out, but the outcome may be to agree that if you have kids, the marriage will not survive.

You don't seem to think highly of people without children.

FiancB · January 2015

I briefly didn't want kids when I was younger, but that was really only because my ex suddenly decided he didn't want kids. I realized I really did, always did, and that was a major factor in us breaking up. Now I keep getting on and off the fence about when I want kids, but if is never a question. I know H used to not want kid s but as long as I've known him he's wanted them pretty bad. Not sure what changed there, I'll have to ask.

No matter what, this is really important to hash out. I am not sure I'd address it right this second, or at least I'd do so carefully because I wouldn't want to have it go the other way and build more resistance. Really search within yourself and figure out your feelings. He could be on the same page, or may be soon.

Blergbot · January 2015

My H did not want kids. I wanted one. We decided that we loved each other enough that either of us could live with things if the other wanted it it/did not want it badly enough. We were going to readdress the question after we got married (which was maybe not the best idea). Anyway, 3 months before our wedding I got pregnant while on the pill. I'm pro choice, but we're in our 30s, are financially stable, in a loving relationship...even if H had said he wasn't going to raise a child, I have a very supportive family, and I knew I wouldn't be on my own. In other words, I was having that baby. H felt a little bit trapped at first, but once we sat down and talked about his fears/concerns, he quickly warmed up to the idea. I'm now 7 months pregnant and we're talking about having another child down the line.

I am by no means suggesting that you "accidentally" get pregnant. Just that, yes, people can change their minds. That doesn't mean your H will, though. I think you need to decide whether you could give up the idea of having a child for your H without resenting him and it becoming toxic. And you need to ask him the opposite question: could he entertain the idea of having a child for you? Would he resent you for it?

SJM7538 · January 2015

OP. I never said that H called me controlling. He never said that. What I said was that I (me, myself and I) realized that I was a control freak and needed to relinquish control of some things, which I am working on. And then I said that H doesn't take initiative to clean. However he does cook dinner 5 out of 7 days a week and takes care of all the yard work. He works two 16 hour days in a row then is off for four days straight (unless he takes overtime) so on his days off he doesnt take the initiative to do house work. Which was driving me nuts. But I discovered that if I just ask him to do something he will. It with the other problems we were having that wasn't I wanted him to die on. Would it be nice if he would just do something without asking, yes it would. But if it gets done it gets done. Both of us were sucking at communication and that is getting better as well.

RissAnn1970 · January 2015

Not me, I've been adamant about not wanting kids for over 20 years now. But my friends had this in the converse... they always thought they'd have kids & 10 years into their marriage, the wife realized that "not ready now" had become "I don't want kids ever."

So they got a divorce.

SJM7538 · January 2015

Ugh Hill to die on not Him to die on. Can't edit for some reason.

@blergbot this is what I am stuck on. I think I need to do some more soul searching to figure out if I would be truly unhappy if I never had kids. I'm really not sure. I don't know if I would resent him. And I Feel like its not quite the time to bring it up when we are starting to get on a good path and fixing things.

KatWAG · January 2015

@photokitty you are in my brain today

SJM7538 · January 2015

I just want everyone to know I appreciate the positive responses and feedback!

and FWIW it's not like I have baby fever. I don't think I'll ever be like that. I've just had thoughts lately that one day I would like to be a mom.

KatWAG · January 2015

SJM7538 said:

I just want everyone to know I appreciate the positive responses and feedback! and FWIW it's not like I have baby fever. I don't think I'll ever be like that. I've just had thoughts lately that one day I would like to be a mom.

---- damn these boxes------

Has your H ever given any inclination that he wants to have kids?

SJM7538 · January 2015

@katwag yes. we talked about it when we first started dating and he said he thought he would like to be a dad someday. but we were never really 100 percent sure. hell he even named our unborn son (bc we must use the family name). then about 6 months before the wedding we talked and decided we really didn't want kids. well I thought I was sure anyway. I started to change my mind when my nephews hit the age of 2.

lovesclimbing · January 2015

I have always known I wanted kids and so had H. If he didn't, I wouldn't have married him.

I do know a couple who switched though. Both didn't want kids when they got married. After a few years, her biological clock started ticking and she decided she wanted kids. He still didn't. They actually ended up separated for a little bit, but he ultimately decided to have children with her. They now have two grown children and are very happy.

ashley8918 · January 2015

penguin44 said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

It is pretty common for this to happen with people who thought the issue settled. A lot depends on why DH does not want kids. Some do not mind kids themselves, but like the independence of daily life without family responsibilities. Travel when you want to , enjoy adult pursuits in your non-work time, no dealing with lost work time and babies up all night. Sometimes in the family they come from they were the silent witness to fighting or aggression between parents who resented the demands made by kids, or at least the financial strains. These people sometimes will reconsider if now they are in a better place financially than there parents were. The ability to hire a nanny or mother's helper a couple of days a week, and having some close family or friends who will now and again take care of a young child so parents have little stress, and time to be adults and romantic partners not always kid-first, makes a huge difference. It is worth talking about if this is true for you. And sometimes short term single issue counseling can help you examine what conditions, if changed, could make the change to having kids acceptable. Sometimes, no. People who never change their mind and usually divorce if given no choice include lots of very nice people who have discovered in earlier years that they can tolerate kids around for short periods only and enjoy it. But they have no tolerance for the give and take of children, the control issues that reoccur at different ages through kids development, the sheer noise of kids. And they know it brings for an anger in them. Always a "won't that kid ever shut up" feeling. And the feeling results in bad temper toward the mother and child. Like an alcoholic who stays away from drink forever as a way of avoiding the awful things they feel and do, the loss of their control over their life, these people simply know themselves better than even their spouse does. They do not want to open the bottle and release the spirits, they want Pandora's box firmly closed. And they are right. With those feelings they can be great uncles but cruel fathers. Some can explain their feelings. Some feel ashamed. Therapy may make a couple see the issue is there. And then they accept it and stay childless, or they divorce. Communication between spouses is they key to finding out, but the outcome may be to agree that if you have kids, the marriage will not survive.
You don't seem to think highly of people without children.

Is that what that barely readable wall of alien tect said?

KytchynWitche · January 2015

DH and I have always said we don't want kids. We did have a names discussion fairly early in the relationship, for in case, and because names are important and I could not see myself in a serious relationship with someone who would name a kid anything ridiculous like North or Apple. Obviously, we were completely in agreement on "classic/traditional" names.

Well, we just had a pregnancy scare, and it did two things for me: 1) it confirmed that we do not want/are not ready for kids right now, and 2) it opened up the discussion again, which concluded with us agreeing that if we were, at some unspecified point in the future, to have a kid, it wouldn't be so bad.

Basically, we're still on the no-kids wagon, but less vehemently so. Still taking all the necessary precautions etc.

mrsk616 · January 2015

when FI and i first started dating we wanted kids (my youngest niece and nephew were born a month apart both are 8 now and he had a 2 yr old son). few years later we decided nah we both werent in a place to have kids. then almost right after we proposed we decided once again that when the time is right we would try. over the course of that year (last year in general) he has brought up kids like once maybe twice a week. even bought another car and the reason he used was not only will it work for us in the winter with the snow but it has a back seat (he has a honda crz which is a 2 seater hybrid) for when we have kids. UMMMMMM can we not do that when we agreed not until after the wedding. then his mom started bringing kids up which i am not discussing anything with her about that, i dont even discuss the wedding with her.

has anyone ever changed their mind about kids)

Re: has anyone ever changed their mind about kids)

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