"Wanting Kids"--is it on a spectrum?

maeday2 · January 2015

I don't know that I've ever had true baby fever. I like babies. I also like giving them back to their mothers.

I just think there is SO much pressure on having children in general. Either choice is perfectly acceptable. I've watched my sister struggle for 7 years with infertility and the absolute emotional highs and lows it has been for her. I hate the self-imposed and societal pressure that only enhances these feelings when you can't have kids.

FI and I know we want kids. We also know we're about 2 years away from even considering trying. I'm glad we're on the same page and if we can financially make sense of it in 2 years, we'll give it a go.

If I'm unable to have children, I don't know how that would make me feel. Even if I didn't want children, knowing I wasn't physically able to would be emotionally tough.

GoldenPenguin · January 2015

I have never wanted kids. I love kids - I think I'm a spectacular aunt. (A lot of people assume that not wanting kids = hating kids, which is totally not the case.) However, my favorite part of my friends/family member's kids is giving them back.

I have never had baby fever, and to be honest, I don't understand it. I know that it's the "normal" thing to do - you grow up, get married, and have kids - but I genuinely cannot wrap my head around WANTING to get pregnant/have kids. It sounds awful and terrifying to me. I have a few friends now who are actively TTC, and some who will be soon, and when they talk about it, it's like they're speaking a different language. My brain just doesn't "get it."

There have been times where I've asked my best friends if I was broken, or if there was something wrong with me because of my feelings towards procreation. I've been reassured that there isn't anything wrong with me, and that's good, because I definitely don't see my feelings changing, and I'm almost 34. I feel like if there was a maternal instinct/biological clock in here somewhere, I would have felt some sort of twinge. As I said in the other thread, I'm glad that FI & I are fully on the same page.

novella1186 · January 2015

I'm in the same boat as you. I always thought I'd get to that point where I'd start wanting kids and feel like my time is running out. Like, I thought I'd be there by now. But I'm turning 29 this year and the idea of having a kid just does not appeal to me, at all. I keep thinking eventually I'll want one, and FI is right there with me. He thinks eventually he'll want one. But neither of us have any interest at all right now. At all. And maybe we'll never get to that point.

Every so often I'll see a baby or my friend's kid will do something brilliant/adorable and for a very fleeting second I'll think I want a kid. But far more often than that, I see a kid being gross/loud/hyper/obnoxious, or my dogs are being annoying as shit, or finances are tight, or I suck at being a responsible adult, or I treat myself to a spending spree, or we plan a romantic weekend away, and I think THANK GOD I don't have kids.

wandajune6 · January 2015

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

novella1186 · January 2015

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

My mom had me when she was 38, and FI's mom had him when she was 38. My cousin delivered a healthy girl at 42. No worries, you still got some time!

Inkdancer · January 2015

Sometimes when I'm with my nephew I cry because I want a child so badly. I've always known I wanted to be a mom and it's only getting worse with age. Doesn't help that PCOS = fertility problems. We have already agreed to adopt at least one, but I want biological kids too.

For those of you who don't want kids, I absolutely respect that. It's an enormous commitment. But it's a commitment I think I was absolutely born to make.

GoldenPenguin · January 2015

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.

wandajune6 · January 2015

novella1186 said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

My mom had me when she was 38, and FI's mom had him when she was 38. My cousin delivered a healthy girl at 42. No worries, you still got some time!

I hope so! I'm about to hit 36 and that's the age of issues starting. We're theoretically TTC but it's really just trying to address fertility issues at this point. It's all very scary!

wrigleyville · January 2015

I'm kind of on the reverse spectrum.

I wanted kids when I was a teenager, but around age 22, I started to realize I didn't know WHY I wanted kids. I think I fell into that trap of "graduate from high school, go to college, get married, have babies, buy a house, etc". (I'm from a small town.)

Everyone used to say, "Oh, you'll change your mind," and I found it incredibly dismissive and rude, as if they knew my feelings better than I did.

As I got older, my desire to remain childfree became stronger. I MIGHT have entertained the idea when I was 30, if the guy I loved really really really really really wanted kids, but by 32, I was Totally Over It.

Now I'm 38, and getting pregnant is one of my worst nightmares. H got snipped right after we got engaged.

Cookie Pusher · January 2015

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.

If I had a penny for every time someone told me I'd change my mind when I got older/found the right person...

KatieinBkln · January 2015

Inkdancer said:

Sometimes when I'm with my nephew I cry because I want a child so badly. I've always known I wanted to be a mom and it's only getting worse with age. Doesn't help that PCOS = fertility problems. We have already agreed to adopt at least one, but I want biological kids too.

For those of you who don't want kids, I absolutely respect that. It's an enormous commitment. But it's a commitment I think I was absolutely born to make.

I am sure that you will be a great mother, whether to biological children, adopted children, or both.

I'm kind of wishy-washy on this topic, but I think it's beautiful that you are so certain. (And I have equal respect and admiration for people who are sure they don't want kids).

charlieyankee03 · January 2015

Yet another reason why I love you ladies.

I have yet to figure out exactly how I feel about having kids. When I was in my early twenties I thought I would get married out of college and have 2 or 3 or 5 kids (I always wanted a big family). But then my ex completely turned me off to the idea of having kids. I couldn't see myself every having children with him and being happy. I've been VERY slowly working my way back towards wanting them, but I'll be 30 this year and I'm not there yet.

The idea of being pregnant absolutely terrifies me. I've never had that yearning to feel my baby kick inside me or be miserable for 9 months and give up sushi and alcohol and everything else you can't have all in the name of the greater good. Plus I'm a worrier. I'm always afraid that something will happen to our pets, I can't imagine the constant worry that comes with being a parent (and I put my parents through hell worrying about me).

I also haven't spent much time around kids. None of our friends that we see regularly have them, NONE. We all travel a lot, spend our money on ourselves, and love being able to make last minute plans with only the dog to worry about (and even that's an expensive burden).

I know that FI wants kids, but he's also said that he'd be okay with not having them if that's what I want. He's six years older than me so I think his clock is ticking more than mine is. I'm very slowly coming around to the possibility of kids, but there's so much more money to be made and traveling to do before I'm there. And I think I'd have to go the adoption or surrogacy route. But we'll see...

classicalandedgy · January 2015

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Unless you have some significant health issues, you have plenty of time. 35 is still young and I know many of women who conceived and delivered healthy babies into their 40's.

novella1186 · January 2015

Cookie Pusher said:

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.

If I had a penny for every time someone told me I'd change my mind when I got older/found the right person...

I feel like if you truly don't want kids, finding the right person makes you not want them even more, cuz then it's like "hey we're happy and we have this great life and I have all the satisfaction I need, and we enjoy our disposable income. Yep, I'm definitely sure, no kids needed."

It's stupid-- to me-- for people to say you'll change your mind when you find the right person. Nope! Might as well tell me if I eat poison and go into a coma, a prince will come kiss me and wake me back up.

KatWAG · January 2015

Cookie Pusher said:

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.
Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.
If I had a penny for every time someone told me I'd change my mind when I got older/found the right person...

I think at @wandajune6 was referring to how her own feelings have changed over time. I dont think she was trying to say that anyone elses feeling would change.

That would be a condenscending thing to say. And I have never picked up on that tone from Wanda.

GoldenPenguin · January 2015

novella1186 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.

If I had a penny for every time someone told me I'd change my mind when I got older/found the right person...

I feel like if you truly don't want kids, finding the right person makes you not want them even more, cuz then it's like "hey we're happy and we have this great life and I have all the satisfaction I need, and we enjoy our disposable income. Yep, I'm definitely sure, no kids needed."

It's stupid-- to me-- for people to say you'll change your mind when you find the right person. Nope! Might as well tell me if I eat poison and go into a coma, a prince will come kiss me and wake me back up.

I said this in the other thread too. Before I met FI, I would say I didn't want kids & people would say "You'll change your mind when you meet the right person." And I would say "No, because the right person for me ALSO won't want children."

A person who 100% wanted kids wouldn't be the right person for me. Bottom line. That was confirmed when I DID meet the right person - and he also didn't want kids.

GoldenPenguin · January 2015

KatWAG said:

Cookie Pusher said:

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.
Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.
If I had a penny for every time someone told me I'd change my mind when I got older/found the right person...

I think at @wandajune6 was referring to how her own feelings have changed over time. I dont think she was trying to say that anyone elses feeling would change.

That would be a condenscending thing to say. And I have never picked up on that tone from Wanda.

You are probably correct - but it's hard for me to not read it in the way I read it when I have been told the same thing hundreds and hundreds of times over the course of my life. I apologize to @wandajune6 if that was not her intention.

wandajune6 · January 2015

Cookie Pusher said:

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.

If I had a penny for every time someone told me I'd change my mind when I got older/found the right person...

Absolutely true. My mistake.

ETA- I was referring to myself my feelings have changed a lot over the years. I know plenty of people who never changed their minds on the subject.

wandajune6 · January 2015

classicalandedgy said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Unless you have some significant health issues, you have plenty of time. 35 is still young and I know many of women who conceived and delivered healthy babies into their 40's.

I don't. I just worry. Thanks for saying it though!

ohannabelle · January 2015

I was very young when I got pregnant. Very young. 19. And nope, it wasn't planned and it wasn't intentional and yes, I was using birth control.

And up until the day of my pregnancy test, I did not want children. And I was sick with panic and dread and miserable and had every intention of terminating the pregnancy. Never occurred to me to go through with it.

To this day, no idea what changed my mind. But the second I heard the word positive, that was it. I just sat there stunned, thinking, I'm having a baby. No question, no hesitation. Just overwhelming certainty. Like someone hit me with the insta-mom ray gun. Woooosh. I'm a mom.

My mom cried for at least a week.

Waited five years before I had my second child. And yep, overwhelming baby fever on that one.

wrigleyville · January 2015

GoldenPenguin said:
I said this in the other thread too. Before I met FI, I would say I didn't want kids & people would say "You'll change your mind when you meet the right person." And I would say "No, because the right person for me ALSO won't want children."

A person who 100% wanted kids wouldn't be the right person for me. Bottom line. That was confirmed when I DID meet the right person - and he also didn't want kids.

Bingo.

When FI and I first started dating, I said, "I know this sounds super serious to talk about this early on, but it's a dealbreaker for me, and I want to get it out there right away - how do you feel about having kids?"

He said, "I'm really glad you asked that, because I don't want kids, and if you do, we should probably just be friends."

I told him I was super excited that we were on the same page. It was a huge relief to both of us.

MissKittyDanger · January 2015

I'll be the weird one. I'm 27 and yes I want kids. I got baby fever before I was ready because majority of my friends were having kids. Back in October, my FI and I had a mild scare to the point I opted for a pregnancy test.

Negative. Even though we were planning a wedding, I was surprisingly disappointed.

I know I want kids before I'm 30 but there's many things that scare me. Twins run rampant on my my side {both parents}, my FI's dad's side cannot create a female, AND there is a blood disorder on my mum's side that my mum and grandmother have THAT WOMEN AREN'T SUPPOSE TO HAVE

Do I still want kids? Yes. Does the idea terrify me to become a mother especially with how some parents are these days? Oh dear god yes.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

I don't know if there is a spectrum but if there is, I'm on the end of "I'll want kids the day pigs fly through a frozen hell."

ETA: words

drunkenwitch · January 2015

GoldenPenguin said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.

I have been hearing that for 20 years. Turning 40 this year. Haven't changed my mind. "You'll feel different when you meet the right man". 1) there is no "right man" 2) I am in a relationship, we are talking about our future together 3) still haven't changed my mind.

I do have a serious case of kitten fever but I have to wait until I move this summer.

Inkdancer · January 2015

drunkenwitch said:

wandajune6 said:

I want a baby so bad that it hurts. I'm rapidly approaching being too old (35) and am terrified that I'll lose my window. We also have known fertility issues that we're working through.

That said, 5 years ago I was pretty sure I didn't want them. 2 years ago, I knew that I wanted them but wasn't ready.

Feelings change over time.

Feelings MAY change over time. Not always. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me "oh, you'll change your mind." I am 99.9999999999999999% sure my feelings are not changing.
I have been hearing that for 20 years. Turning 40 this year. Haven't changed my mind. "You'll feel different when you meet the right man". 1) there is no "right man" 2) I am in a relationship, we are talking about our future together 3) still haven't changed my mind. I do have a serious case of kitten fever but I have to wait until I move this summer.

I highly recommend kittens. Mine is being super adorable right now.

kaitlynmichelle · January 2015

We have been talking about it more now that we are married. We've both always wanted kids, just not yet! Now that we can seriously look at TTC in a few years it is scaaaary. It is what we want but I also know how hard it will be to raise kids.

So I pour all my baby wants into love for our kitty

We don't have a timeline yet but probably 2 to 3 years before we start TTC.

morewineplease · February 2015

I have to say the younger I was the more I wanted kids. In my late teens and early 20's (when friends were having babies) it seems like the thing to do and would be fun. Now at 34 I am fine with not having any, and I don't see having one in the further.

That being said if it happened I would love the child and spoil (within reason) the kid. The reality is though when I see someone walking their dog I get more "AWW I want one" then I do when I see a baby.

sophhabobopha · February 2015

Fi and I both really want kids, and probably young. But as I age I'm pushing that number further up. Our plan is TTC when I'm aroung 25, but who knows.

badbnagdway · February 2015

I definitely think it's a spectrum. I would be happy to have kids. But I also would not be unhappy to never have kids. I had a lot of responsibility for my (much) younger sisters growing up. Because of that I've had the baby experience. I know it is something I can handle. But I also know kids are expensive and they change your life a lot. FI definitely wants kids, so I'm cool with that. If we can't have them (eek, I'm 33 now), we will adopt.

Kids are a very sensitive subject for so many women, especially those around my age. I have a good friend who seems to feel differently than her husband does about kids. She told me when I first met her (ok, within a few weeks of meeting her) that she knew marrying her husband meant she may never have kids. Last year she apparently told him she wanted to stop using birth control and "just see what happens, because if we stop using birth control we'll know right away how we feel about having kids". This was kind of a bsc thing to say, but to me reads as, gosh I really want kids after all. Her H objected to removing the birth control. She insists they "both don't know how they feel" but to me every piece of evidence points to, she wants them, he doesn't. I feel really badly for her. I'm glad to hear other posters addressed this prior to getting serious with their SO. I tend to think my friend always kind of wanted kids and thought her H would change his mind. I don't think he's going to. That sucks.

levioosa · February 2015

badbnagdway said:

I definitely think it's a spectrum. I would be happy to have kids. But I also would not be unhappy to never have kids. I had a lot of responsibility for my (much) younger sisters growing up. Because of that I've had the baby experience. I know it is something I can handle. But I also know kids are expensive and they change your life a lot. FI definitely wants kids, so I'm cool with that. If we can't have them (eek, I'm 33 now), we will adopt.

Kids are a very sensitive subject for so many women, especially those around my age. I have a good friend who seems to feel differently than her husband does about kids. She told me when I first met her (ok, within a few weeks of meeting her) that she knew marrying her husband meant she may never have kids. Last year she apparently told him she wanted to stop using birth control and "just see what happens, because if we stop using birth control we'll know right away how we feel about having kids". This was kind of a bsc thing to say, but to me reads as, gosh I really want kids after all. Her H objected to removing the birth control. She insists they "both don't know how they feel" but to me every piece of evidence points to, she wants them, he doesn't. I feel really badly for her. I'm glad to hear other posters addressed this prior to getting serious with their SO. I tend to think my friend always kind of wanted kids and thought her H would change his mind. I don't think he's going to. That sucks.

I had a friend in HS that was from a family where the Mom wanted kids and the Dad didn't. She tried to force him to change his mind and figured that after they had kids, it would get better. The exact opposite happened. It was awful, and really obvious that he didn't want anything to do with his kids. They eventually ended up divorcing because he resented her so much. It was really ugly to watch and it messed up the kids pretty badly.

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