"Wanting Kids"--is it on a spectrum?

wrigleyville · February 2015

badbnagdway said:

I definitely think it's a spectrum. I would be happy to have kids. But I also would not be unhappy to never have kids. I had a lot of responsibility for my (much) younger sisters growing up. Because of that I've had the baby experience. I know it is something I can handle. But I also know kids are expensive and they change your life a lot. FI definitely wants kids, so I'm cool with that. If we can't have them (eek, I'm 33 now), we will adopt.

Kids are a very sensitive subject for so many women, especially those around my age. I have a good friend who seems to feel differently than her husband does about kids. She told me when I first met her (ok, within a few weeks of meeting her) that she knew marrying her husband meant she may never have kids. Last year she apparently told him she wanted to stop using birth control and "just see what happens, because if we stop using birth control we'll know right away how we feel about having kids". This was kind of a bsc thing to say, but to me reads as, gosh I really want kids after all. Her H objected to removing the birth control. She insists they "both don't know how they feel" but to me every piece of evidence points to, she wants them, he doesn't. I feel really badly for her. I'm glad to hear other posters addressed this prior to getting serious with their SO. I tend to think my friend always kind of wanted kids and thought her H would change his mind. I don't think he's going to. That sucks.

Holy shit. If I were her H, I'd be using condoms from here on out, and I'd be hiding them so she couldn't poke holes in them.

Actually, if I couldn't trust my wife to use birth control, I probably wouldn't have sex with her at all.

This is definitely something they need to discuss. He can't just avoid having sex with her until she goes through menopause. It's not as simple as that.

It also doesn't make sense for her to stay with him if she really wants kids and he doesn't. She's not doing herself any favors either.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

anjemon · February 2015

levioosa said:

badbnagdway said:

I definitely think it's a spectrum. I would be happy to have kids. But I also would not be unhappy to never have kids. I had a lot of responsibility for my (much) younger sisters growing up. Because of that I've had the baby experience. I know it is something I can handle. But I also know kids are expensive and they change your life a lot. FI definitely wants kids, so I'm cool with that. If we can't have them (eek, I'm 33 now), we will adopt.

Kids are a very sensitive subject for so many women, especially those around my age. I have a good friend who seems to feel differently than her husband does about kids. She told me when I first met her (ok, within a few weeks of meeting her) that she knew marrying her husband meant she may never have kids. Last year she apparently told him she wanted to stop using birth control and "just see what happens, because if we stop using birth control we'll know right away how we feel about having kids". This was kind of a bsc thing to say, but to me reads as, gosh I really want kids after all. Her H objected to removing the birth control. She insists they "both don't know how they feel" but to me every piece of evidence points to, she wants them, he doesn't. I feel really badly for her. I'm glad to hear other posters addressed this prior to getting serious with their SO. I tend to think my friend always kind of wanted kids and thought her H would change his mind. I don't think he's going to. That sucks.

I had a friend in HS that was from a family where the Mom wanted kids and the Dad didn't. She tried to force him to change his mind and figured that after they had kids, it would get better. The exact opposite happened. It was awful, and really obvious that he didn't want anything to do with his kids. They eventually ended up divorcing because he resented her so much. It was really ugly to watch and it messed up the kids pretty badly.

I have some friends like this. He wants kids, she isn't interested in having kids. Sometimes he makes comments about "something something when my first kid is born" and she always shoots it down. I wonder if they even discussed it before they got married. It just confuses me because I think it would be an important page to be together on.

ETF: Words.

anjemon · February 2015

FI and I are both on at about the same place on the spectrum as a lot of you PP's. When I think about life abstractly, I would love a family. When I think about having kids now and having to give up our free time and the money it would cost, I'm glad we don't have kids. I'm actually hoping baby fever hits me sometime in the next couple of years because I think I will regret never trying. But I think I might need a push to get over the fear.

But first I want to get married, buy a house, and get more settled before I start having to decide. And FI's with me on this.

But sometimes I worry I'm not going to be ready before the window closes. I'm almost 30 and still have time, but sometimes I wonder.

badbnagdway · February 2015

wrigleyville said:

badbnagdway said:

Last year she apparently told him she wanted to stop using birth control and "just see what happens, because if we stop using birth control we'll know right away how we feel about having kids". This was kind of a bsc thing to say, but to me reads as, gosh I really want kids after all. Her H objected to removing the birth control. She insists they "both don't know how they feel" but to me every piece of evidence points to, she wants them, he doesn't. I feel really badly for her. I'm glad to hear other posters addressed this prior to getting serious with their SO. I tend to think my friend always kind of wanted kids and thought her H would change his mind. I don't think he's going to. That sucks.

Holy shit. If I were her H, I'd be using condoms from here on out, and I'd be hiding them so she couldn't poke holes in them.

Actually, if I couldn't trust my wife to use birth control, I probably wouldn't have sex with her at all.

This is definitely something they need to discuss. He can't just avoid having sex with her until she goes through menopause. It's not as simple as that.

It also doesn't make sense for her to stay with him if she really wants kids and he doesn't. She's not doing herself any favors either.

SITB

To be clear, I do not think she would yank the birth control without telling him. She is on a long term birth control, not something you can just stop taking, it at least requires a doctor's appointment. I don't think she's the kind of person who would commit a huge lie of omission and not tell him she had it taken out.

But I do think the suggestion of, "let's just take it out and see what happens" clearly means she wants kids. I would only stop using birth control if I intended to get pregnant.

mrscomposer · February 2015

Both J and I grew up wanting kids, but both gradually moved away from it as we got older. By the time we got together, he completely didn't want them, and I was still on the fence about it. I think if he had wanted them, I'd be good with it, but since he doesn't, I'm good with that, too.

I still had phases of baby fever before we got together, but I think it was mostly wanting a family when (at that point) I didn't even know if I would get married.

We've talked about it, and we both know that if we were to conceive while I was on birth control, we would be okay with it and probably end up having a planned sibling for the first one. At some point down the road, J's planning on having a vasectomy, but not for a few years still. But, bottom line - two paycheques and only two people to pay for? Bliss.

WhatawagSBNy · February 2015

GoldenPenguin said:
I have never wanted kids. I love kids - I think I'm a spectacular aunt. (A lot of people assume that not wanting kids = hating kids, which is totally not the case.) However, my favorite part of my friends/family member's kids is giving them back.

I have never had baby fever, and to be honest, I don't understand it. I know that it's the "normal" thing to do - you grow up, get married, and have kids - but I genuinely cannot wrap my head around WANTING to get pregnant/have kids. It sounds awful and terrifying to me. I have a few friends now who are actively TTC, and some who will be soon, and when they talk about it, it's like they're speaking a different language. My brain just doesn't "get it."

There have been times where I've asked my best friends if I was broken, or if there was something wrong with me because of my feelings towards procreation. I've been reassured that there isn't anything wrong with me, and that's good, because I definitely don't see my feelings changing, and I'm almost 34. I feel like if there was a maternal instinct/biological clock in here somewhere, I would have felt some sort of twinge. As I said in the other thread, I'm glad that FI & I are fully on the same page.

-------------------
For the peoples I come from there is a tradition of aunties, or uncles, equivalent to a godparent except no church involvement. Parents choose who would be a lifelong friend and mentor to the child, from recreation to counseling to answering life's questions, which includes religious and moral guidance.

The first choices are most often people who are childless, often by choice, fairly commonly gay people who until recently had few childbearing choices.
There is a place in children's growth filled better by the non-parent, especially as a role model different in lifestyle and behavior from parents.

For most Arctic peoples, my forbears, life is hard. Those who do not want children but like them, while not focusing their lives around raising kids, are very important to society as models of the work they choose, the skills and relationships they develop, their very self-sufficiency.

I understand wanting children. I always have, DH too.

But I never have understood why there is such a brainwashing effort to push childless people to reconsider, because EVERYONE ought to want children.
No.
The only time I will ever approve the phrase separate but equal, because of the former bad use of the phrase , is saying societies function best when not everyone procreates. There is a different role, legitimately chosen voluntarily, for those who do not want children, and do not need convincing to change.

Children should not come into homes unless the changes they will make in their parents lives are wanted by those people.

Childless couples are not being selfish. In being truthful to themselves, they are the model of a worthwhile life, for other peoples' children. They have an equal influence on the next generation as the glue which holds things together when parents are focusing so much of their attention on raising children that there is little energy for anything else for many years.

They are productive, and have often a leadership role during their age 15 to 40 years . They often have responsibilities for the caretaking of groups of people, and causes, and find time spent with friends and families children enjoyable. But they should not be pushed or made to feel obligated to change. There role is important, too, equally as parents' role.

A lot of American and European society has given this non-child producer role to the "traditional" male whose life revolves around work while mother is a "non-worker", devalued for ONLY raising children. Or allowed to work, as long as they do the home and children thing too.

Better there be happier men and women whose lives both work primarily for family for a period of years, and other couples and singles. who live different lives.

Not to mention overpopulation issues .

AprilH81 · February 2015

@WhatawagSBNy

You must really like to hear yourself talk because most of your posts just blather on about really old school crap that most people don't care about.

You remind me of a former Knottie that I can't put a name to, possibly HisGirlFriday? Anyone else get this vibe?

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