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Chit Chat
novella1186
member
FI has a situation
in Chit Chat
His best man is a dick. He asked me to post about it (his exacts words were "you should post it on the knot and see what all your wise ladies say about it").
This will be a long one cuz I feel like there's a lot of history and bullshit involved so TLDR: Best man is being extremely difficult and refusing to get a suit. What would you do about that?
So "Brad" has known FI since they were little kids. They were college roommates and everything. Their parents are good friends. That's why FI decided to ask Brad to be his best man. Brad has always had a personality where he's kind of a surly asshole and he likes to be difficult, but it has gotten much worse over time (like in general, not wedding related).
Several months ago, FI decided he wanted all the guys to wear gray suits. The particular shade doesn't matter, so they can rent or buy from any place that they can find the best price. Brad immediately starts bitching at me saying he won't wear gray because he doesn't own a gray suit already. Well, he doesn't own any suit at all already, and I'm sure when he said yes to being in a wedding he realized he would have to wear SOMETHING. Whatever, just typical Brad being difficult.
One of the guys bought a gray suit at Kohl's (3-piece and it looks really nice on him) for $125 and told the other guys. In the mean time, FI and I went to a local shop and the owner told us our guys could rent a full suit for $115 or buy a full suit for $175, and their suits are really nice. That's where FI is gonna buy his. We tell Brad. Brad gets pissed because he doesn't want to drive to our city to get a suit (never mind that FI drives down to visit Brad all the time since that's the only time they ever see each other). We talk to the suit shop again and the owner assures us that Brad can order over the phone and have the suit shipped to him, and owner will set Brad up with one of his many liaison stores so he can get it custom tailored in his city. Brad will not.
This morning I get a text from Brad bitching at me that to buy a gray suit is going to cost him "over $400." Immediately following this is a second text that simply says "I can't rent a suit." K? 10 minutes before this, his crazypants evil fiance (seriously, this girl is the anti-Christ) facebooks me and ALSO texts me, asking what color shoes he should wear. Um... what? I tell her he can wear any shoes he wants. I ask him why he can't rent and he does not answer me. I then text him again and say "You can buy a suit from the store here for $175 and they'll send it to so you won't have to drive here." No reply. I never heard back from either of them.
Mind you, even if he doesn't want to get one from the store here, gray suits are very common and he can definitely find one for less than $400.
And Brad never tried to contact FI about this. The suits were FI's decision, he's in charge of the guys' attire, because it's his wedding too, but Brad is constantly coming to me to bitch about it and will not communicate with FI. I don't get it.
We drove down for Brad's birthday about a month ago, at which point Brad was a total dick to FI and me, and his girlfriend was her usual awful self. We decided then that we would likely never take the time to go visit them ever again. FI also confided that he wishes he had never asked Brad to be best man at all. FI thought they were best friends, but Brad has become more and more of an asshole and now he suddenly realizes that there's basically no friendship there anymore.
Doesn't help that none of the other groomsmen like Brad and that FI's parents do not like Brad at all, and think he treats FI like crap. They think he should never have been asked to be FI's best man (I agree, but I stayed out of it because it's FI's choice). Now that Brad is engaged to crazy chick, we found out that Brad is not including FI in his wedding party at all. FI didn't mention it to him because it's Brad's wedding and Brad's choice, but he was really hurt. He said "I thought we were best friends, so much so that I wanted him to be my best man. Since I asked him, though, I feel like he has totally dropped out of my life. And now I find out he doesn't even care enough about me to include me in his wedding at all. He's free to do whatever he wants, but it kind of says how he feels about me as a friend, and it sucks." I just let FI vent and didn't say much, since I didn't think it would help to express how much I do not like Brad. But I was heart-broken to hear how hurt FI was.
And now that Brad is being such a dick about a stupid suit, I'm tempted to just say "Wear the stupid suit or don't be in the wedding. It's pretty fucking simple." When he said yes to being in it, he knew he'd have to wear a suit or tux. So what the fuck is the problem? Ugh. I'm so frustrated. FI told me not to worry about it because he's going to deal with it since it's his friend, and he's annoyed that Brad didn't just come to him in the first place and put it on me instead.
What would you do if you were FI?
This will be a long one cuz I feel like there's a lot of history and bullshit involved so TLDR: Best man is being extremely difficult and refusing to get a suit. What would you do about that?
So "Brad" has known FI since they were little kids. They were college roommates and everything. Their parents are good friends. That's why FI decided to ask Brad to be his best man. Brad has always had a personality where he's kind of a surly asshole and he likes to be difficult, but it has gotten much worse over time (like in general, not wedding related).
Several months ago, FI decided he wanted all the guys to wear gray suits. The particular shade doesn't matter, so they can rent or buy from any place that they can find the best price. Brad immediately starts bitching at me saying he won't wear gray because he doesn't own a gray suit already. Well, he doesn't own any suit at all already, and I'm sure when he said yes to being in a wedding he realized he would have to wear SOMETHING. Whatever, just typical Brad being difficult.
One of the guys bought a gray suit at Kohl's (3-piece and it looks really nice on him) for $125 and told the other guys. In the mean time, FI and I went to a local shop and the owner told us our guys could rent a full suit for $115 or buy a full suit for $175, and their suits are really nice. That's where FI is gonna buy his. We tell Brad. Brad gets pissed because he doesn't want to drive to our city to get a suit (never mind that FI drives down to visit Brad all the time since that's the only time they ever see each other). We talk to the suit shop again and the owner assures us that Brad can order over the phone and have the suit shipped to him, and owner will set Brad up with one of his many liaison stores so he can get it custom tailored in his city. Brad will not.
This morning I get a text from Brad bitching at me that to buy a gray suit is going to cost him "over $400." Immediately following this is a second text that simply says "I can't rent a suit." K? 10 minutes before this, his crazypants evil fiance (seriously, this girl is the anti-Christ) facebooks me and ALSO texts me, asking what color shoes he should wear. Um... what? I tell her he can wear any shoes he wants. I ask him why he can't rent and he does not answer me. I then text him again and say "You can buy a suit from the store here for $175 and they'll send it to so you won't have to drive here." No reply. I never heard back from either of them.
Mind you, even if he doesn't want to get one from the store here, gray suits are very common and he can definitely find one for less than $400.
And Brad never tried to contact FI about this. The suits were FI's decision, he's in charge of the guys' attire, because it's his wedding too, but Brad is constantly coming to me to bitch about it and will not communicate with FI. I don't get it.
We drove down for Brad's birthday about a month ago, at which point Brad was a total dick to FI and me, and his girlfriend was her usual awful self. We decided then that we would likely never take the time to go visit them ever again. FI also confided that he wishes he had never asked Brad to be best man at all. FI thought they were best friends, but Brad has become more and more of an asshole and now he suddenly realizes that there's basically no friendship there anymore.
Doesn't help that none of the other groomsmen like Brad and that FI's parents do not like Brad at all, and think he treats FI like crap. They think he should never have been asked to be FI's best man (I agree, but I stayed out of it because it's FI's choice). Now that Brad is engaged to crazy chick, we found out that Brad is not including FI in his wedding party at all. FI didn't mention it to him because it's Brad's wedding and Brad's choice, but he was really hurt. He said "I thought we were best friends, so much so that I wanted him to be my best man. Since I asked him, though, I feel like he has totally dropped out of my life. And now I find out he doesn't even care enough about me to include me in his wedding at all. He's free to do whatever he wants, but it kind of says how he feels about me as a friend, and it sucks." I just let FI vent and didn't say much, since I didn't think it would help to express how much I do not like Brad. But I was heart-broken to hear how hurt FI was.
And now that Brad is being such a dick about a stupid suit, I'm tempted to just say "Wear the stupid suit or don't be in the wedding. It's pretty fucking simple." When he said yes to being in it, he knew he'd have to wear a suit or tux. So what the fuck is the problem? Ugh. I'm so frustrated. FI told me not to worry about it because he's going to deal with it since it's his friend, and he's annoyed that Brad didn't just come to him in the first place and put it on me instead.
What would you do if you were FI?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FI has a situation
This guy being an asshole to him just makes me ragey.
Or. Have FI say, "Dude, Brad. Get a suit and stand with me, or don't, and don't stand with me. I don't care anymore." If Brad texts you again, tell him to talk to your FI; that he's in charge of his groomsmen and you haven't got anything to do with it.
Or you know. Option one is good too. Gets your point across.
I vented to my mom about Brad cuz I felt so bad for FI, and my mom said, "Tell him since your lost your maid of honor it's also necessary to lose the best man to even things up, and kick his ass out." It gave me a good laugh. (And no, I don't believe in sides needing to be even, so I didn't take it as real advice)
Holy ridiculous complaining for the BM... you are giving him some pretty good options!
I thought that the only requirement of the wedding party is to show up, on time, somewhat sober in the chosen attire. If memory serves me correctly, doesnt a person forefit their position in the wedding party if they are unable to perform the tasks above, and become a guest on the wedding day (I could be 100% wrong so please don't quote me on this)?
You know that if your FI demotes or fires Brad from being the best man, it's a friendship ending move.
That being said, you've been more than acommodating to Brad. You've given him options, you've found ways to cut the costs for him, and he contines to be difficult. I think that you've done enough on your part. Brad is a grown ass man and he should be able to order a suit. Leave the number of the suit shop with Brad, and tell him that the suit needs to be ordered by x date. If its important to him, he'll order it.
Over all, your FI needs to have a conversation with Brad. I would have your FI leave Brad's wedding party out of it. I would just focus your wedding and the fact that Brad doesn't want to get a suit. If the statement above re duties of the wedding party are true, have him bring that up as well.
I'm sorry that his best man is acting like an asshole.
Second bolded, I don't think FI is considering demoting him or kicking him out. But I also know he doesn't feel like there's any friendship left between them, so he probably wouldn't be opposed to committing a friendship-ending move if it came down to it, cuz there's really nothing left to lose.
And I do believe you are correct, if a WP member fails to show up on time in the right attire then they have removed themselves.
I think FI just doesn't know how to deal with this. I don't know. I'll give him the advice you ladies have offered, though. Thank you for that!
Why not? I had no maid of honor.
I'm the fuck out.
I hope your FI doesn't continue to let Brad get him down. It sucks that relationships change over time especially when you want the other person to come through on something important to you. Either way Brad sounds like a jackass, and not worth his time.
Brad is now mad about this, but doesn't have the balls to stand up to her, so he's projecting his anger at her onto me, and running to me saying that a $400 suit is ridiculous and he's pissed that he has to buy it.
Well yes, I agree that it's ridiculous. Which is why I kept telling him about all the less expensive options. If FI's theory is not what's going on, I bet your theory is right on target.
It's just weird. If one of my BMs was going to my FI about her dress instead of talking to me, I'd be like "WTF? We're best friends, talk to me!" But whatever.
I am curious about what Brad is planning to wear, since he is finding it so impossible to navigate a grey suit. There are Fifty Shades of Grey, after all (someone had to say it). That leads me to believe he wants to be released from the Best Man role, and doesn't have the guts to say it.
If either Brad or his FI text or call you again, say "This is something you will have to discuss with my FI" and nothing more.
You are probably getting used to the idea that Brad may not be best man, maybe not even a guest.