Rant with needed advice

nhultberg461 · February 2015

Ok, so I have full physical custody of my two children, ages 14 and 12, but share legal custody 50/50 with ex-husband. Let's just say that it was not friendly and still is not. I do try to make sure that when I do communicate with my ex that it is solely about the care of the kids. The kids go out to their dads every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend. We meet at a neutral location for both exchanges, now my drive is less because they moved out of the county, due to whatever their choices were. He's not remarried, but his current girlfriend likes to be the one that I co-parent with, meaning she's the one responding to the emails and such. I also am not opposed to going back to court to revise visitation as kids do not want to be out there as much. But I really have to make sure I have all my ducks in a row first.

Here's the issue I currently have. They drive a small truck, Ford Ranger that has flip seats for the kids to sit on. Kids are afraid to say anything as this women never gives kids a chance to have one on one time with their dad. They also have other vehicle that they can drive, but for some reason they continue to drive this truck. They have an explorer, an expedition, and some BMW as well. My concerns are regarding if they were to be in a accident what the chances of the kids getting hurt or surviving an accident in this little ranger. There is no crumble zone no matter which angle they would be hit from.

How would you address this making sure that you are clear that you are considered about the safety of the children?

wandajune6 · February 2015

This sounds similar to us-- DH has full custody of The Kid (15 year old boy) but his mom gets him 3 weekends/month. DH and his ex hate each other. She and her partner are (mostly) ok with me so I try to do some of the scheduling/interference.

It's a tricky situation. To be honest, I don't think you're going to win bringing this up. The car's legal to drive and if the kids are belted, there's not much to say. They're old enough to be out of car seats (I assume?) so there's no argument on that end.

I just mentioned this to DH and he told me that his ex threw a fit when he made a comment about her car (a POS that she doesn't maintain). He suggested that yours would probably ignore you or be an ass about it.

My gut says that your best bet is for the kids to say something. Maybe complain about leg room? Or say how uncomfortable the car is?

500days · February 2015

If the seats have seat belts then I think your ex-H will probably justify that the kids are safe, if you bring it up. What have the kids said about the seats? Have they mentioned it to their dad or just you?

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

wandajune6 said:

This sounds similar to us-- DH has full custody of The Kid (15 year old boy) but his mom gets him 3 weekends/month. DH and his ex hate each other. She and her partner are (mostly) ok with me so I try to do some of the scheduling/interference.

It's a tricky situation. To be honest, I don't think you're going to win bringing this up. The car's legal to drive and if the kids are belted, there's not much to say. They're old enough to be out of car seats (I assume?) so there's no argument on that end.

I just mentioned this to DH and he told me that his ex threw a fit when he made a comment about her car (a POS that she doesn't maintain). He suggested that yours would probably ignore you or be an ass about it.

My gut says that your best bet is for the kids to say something. Maybe complain about leg room? Or say how uncomfortable the car is?

Yeah, this. Unfortunately since it's a legal seating arrangement, I don't know that you'll have a leg to stand on.

STARMOON44 · February 2015

If they have seat belt I would say nothing. He gets to parent how he wants on his time and your entire post makes clear this isn't just about safety.

emmaaa · February 2015

I rode in a truck like this from the time I was about 6 until I could drive. Yeah it is cramped, but if there are seatbelts, then you don't really have an arguement.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

lolo883 said:

wandajune6 said:

This sounds similar to us-- DH has full custody of The Kid (15 year old boy) but his mom gets him 3 weekends/month. DH and his ex hate each other. She and her partner are (mostly) ok with me so I try to do some of the scheduling/interference.

It's a tricky situation. To be honest, I don't think you're going to win bringing this up. The car's legal to drive and if the kids are belted, there's not much to say. They're old enough to be out of car seats (I assume?) so there's no argument on that end.

I just mentioned this to DH and he told me that his ex threw a fit when he made a comment about her car (a POS that she doesn't maintain). He suggested that yours would probably ignore you or be an ass about it.

My gut says that your best bet is for the kids to say something. Maybe complain about leg room? Or say how uncomfortable the car is?

Yeah, this. Unfortunately since it's a legal seating arrangement, I don't know that you'll have a leg to stand on.

Kids have just complained to me and FI, which we have told them that they need to bring up to their dad, but are afraid because of dad's gf. There is no leg room for either kids, my daughter is 5'8" and son is about 5'5" or so. So they sit with their legs entangled.

She'll be the ass about it, as he doesn't communicate with me.

I do thread very lightly about a lot of the situations kids bring to me, telling them that they should talk to their dad about it.

lyndausvi · February 2015

I get your concern, but I don't think there is anything you can say. I've sat in one of those before, it's not comfortable. But as long as the truck is legal I'm not sure you have a leg to stand on.

I'm not sure saying "I want you to drive the kids in the BMW" is going to go over well. Besides you don't actually know of the other cars are safer. Meaning you know they have these other cars, but do you know for a fact they do not have issues of their own?

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

Sorry, but not having enough leg room in a truck is a total FWP. Your kids could bring it up with their dad, but he'll probably just tell them to quit complaining. None of you has any right to demand a change to his vehicle situation, even if he owns more. It's definitely not anything that will get you any traction with family court - think how ridiculous it sounds to say "I want to reduce my ex's visitation rights because my kids don't have enough leg room in his truck." Big sack of nope. It's a temporary discomfort, nothing more.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

No I don't know if there is anything wrong with the other cars, although kids did tell us that "check engine" light is on in the ranger. But that nothing seems wrong with their truck.

I know legally I don't have a leg to stand on in this situation, but how much more can I tell my kids that if they aren't comfortable that they need to speak up and tell their dad.

STARMOON44 · February 2015

More. You keep telling your kids "if you aren't comfortable, say something" until they do it. That's part of raising up grownups.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

nhultberg461 said:

No I don't know if there is anything wrong with the other cars, although kids did tell us that "check engine" light is on in the ranger. But that nothing seems wrong with their truck.
I know legally I don't have a leg to stand on in this situation, but how much more can I tell my kids that if they aren't comfortable that they need to speak up and tell their dad.

There are much worse fates in life than being uncomfortable for a short period of time in the back of a truck. If they say "Dad, there's not enough room in here, can you drop us off in something else?" and he says "tough noogies," then it really is tough noogies. This isn't "I'm uncomfortable because Dad won't let me close the bathroom door," it's "I don't want my knees touching my brother's knees for 15 minutes in a car." Life sucks sometimes. It's a good lesson to learn.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

Kids have also asked why they have to go out there so often, I've explained that it's part of the agreement. But as they are getting older, they are wanting to spend more time with their friends who aren't out where their dad lives. I do tell them to speak up and let him know what's going on and how they feel, but for some reason they don't.
I've asked them why they are ok with telling us these things that bother them but not their dad and his gf, and they said because she yells at them. So I'm at a loss of what else I can tell them or suggest to them.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

nhultberg461 said:

Kids have also asked why they have to go out there so often, I've explained that it's part of the agreement. But as they are getting older, they are wanting to spend more time with their friends who aren't out where their dad lives. I do tell them to speak up and let him know what's going on and how they feel, but for some reason they don't.
I've asked them why they are ok with telling us these things that bother them but not their dad and his gf, and they said because she yells at them. So I'm at a loss of what else I can tell them or suggest to them.

You should be telling them "because he's your father and he loves you and family is important. You have plenty of other times to see your friends."

lyndausvi · February 2015

nhultberg461 said:

No I don't know if there is anything wrong with the other cars, although kids did tell us that "check engine" light is on in the ranger. But that nothing seems wrong with their truck.
I know legally I don't have a leg to stand on in this situation, but how much more can I tell my kids that if they aren't comfortable that they need to speak up and tell their dad.

This is FWP.

I grew up before the days of required seat belts. My parents stuffed 4 of us in the middle seat of a station wagon. The 2 in the middle shared a seat belt. Was it comfortable? No. If I told my dad it was uncomfortable the answer would have been "quit you complaining". Then I would get the story how my mom's family stuffed 5 kids in the back of a VW bug. When we got older one of us moved to the middle of the front seat. A little more butt room, but way less leg room. We all just dealt with it.

I'm not saying they can't say it's uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean dad is going to change what car he drives.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

I remember having to ride a greyhound bus to go visit my mom growing up. I also remember sitting in the back of a bug with no seatbelts too. Oh the many uncomfortable cars that my parents had or the cars I had.

I wish that my kids would use their voice to their dad too.

I have told them that their dad loves them too, but they have recently been questioning it, and I'm telling them that he does.

wandajune6 · February 2015

I agree - no leg room or uncomfortable seats are FWP. I also know that a lot of parents- particularly the weekend kinds - will do things to shut up whiny kids. That's why I mentioned it, though I definitely didn't articulate my thought process.

The Kid is significantly overweight and has problems getting homework done. His mom feeds him endless crap and allows him to skip his homework when she has him because it's easier than dealing with his whining. My thought was that maybe your ex was equally lazy.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

Kids spend their weekends in their rooms, although since my daughter started playing basketball at her middle school, she has to run a mile each day she's out there, and that the gf classifies as practice. And they have my son run that mile too.

Kids also do not take their cell phones out there anymore. When they did, they had to leave them on the kitchen table, and only use them when they were watching over them. So if I called or texted they wouldn't know until they were given the ok to look at their phones. I pay for their cell phones.

larrygaga · February 2015

I sat in the bed of the pickup on the backroads and I survived!!!

But for real, your kids are going to be uncomfortable in life. They are going to be unsafe at some point. Take an ambien and pray if you have to, because as a parent you are going to see a lot of things you really wish you could stop. No sense in getting into THAT much anxiety over it.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

Ok I'm in agreement with you that I need to sit back, but how do I get this point across to my FI with apraxia aphasia.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

nhultberg461 said:

Ok I'm in agreement with you that I need to sit back, but how do I get this point across to my FI with apraxia aphasia.

What do you need to get across to him? "There isn't an issue. The kids are going to try to stop complaining so much."

nhultberg461 · February 2015

I think maybe what I need to say to FI, is that kids did say something but nothing is going to change.

For FI its about safety to him. That's what he's concerned about.

beachyone15 · February 2015

nhultberg461 said:

I remember having to ride a greyhound bus to go visit my mom growing up. I also remember sitting in the back of a bug with no seatbelts too. Oh the many uncomfortable cars that my parents had or the cars I had.
I wish that my kids would use their voice to their dad too.
I have told them that their dad loves them too, but they have recently been questioning it, and I'm telling them that he does.

Sounds like maybe there is a bigger issue here? Perhaps there are some things that need to be worked out between the kids and their dad (not involving you or the new girlfriend).

nhultberg461 · February 2015

He has an older daughter from his 1st marriage who he no longer has a relationship with, but my kids talk to her. She was about my daughters age when she pulled away from him, and I really don't want that to happen, but if history is any indication, its bound to happen, and I don't know if there really is anything I can do about it.

STARMOON44 · February 2015

lolo883 said:

nhultberg461 said:

Ok I'm in agreement with you that I need to sit back, but how do I get this point across to my FI with apraxia aphasia.

What do you need to get across to him? "There isn't an issue. The kids are going to try to stop complaining so much."

Wait, so all of this is an issue with your FI? If he isn't capable of understanding you when you say "that's their time with their father and neither of us gets to interfere with it" I'm concerned. Apraxia and aphasia are both serious conditions, and if you can't communicate with FI that's a huge red flag for me as to why you're marrying him.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

No it's not just an issue with FI. It has been a concern for awhile.

He is capable of understanding what I communicate with him. He's just not always willing to listen to what I'm saying, which is normal for him even prior to his strokes.

thespeshulestsnowflake · February 2015

I think the bigger issue here is the fact they don't want to spend time at their bio-dad's house. It seems from your posts that he and his GF are crazy controlling, ie the whole cell phone thing. I get being able to check the phones, but to look over their shoulder for every text? Especially for the 14 yo. If they come close to my younger brother's texting amount (15,000 per month) that can be ridiculous.

Also, they don't feel comfortable talking around your ex's GF!? Why not?

I feel like the four of you need to talk (just you, your ex, and the kids). The kids are almost to an age where they can refuse to go. When my parents were divorcing, my brother was 14-15 and he was able to make his opinion known.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

I think the bigger issue here is the fact they don't want to spend time at their bio-dad's house. It seems from your posts that he and his GF are crazy controlling, ie the whole cell phone thing. I get being able to check the phones, but to look over their shoulder for every text? Especially for the 14 yo. If they come close to my younger brother's texting amount (15,000 per month) that can be ridiculous.

Also, they don't feel comfortable talking around your ex's GF!? Why not?

I feel like the four of you need to talk (just you, your ex, and the kids). The kids are almost to an age where they can refuse to go. When my parents were divorcing, my brother was 14-15 and he was able to make his opinion known.

I wish that I could sit down with him and the kids and work this out, but his gf would not allow that to happen.

As much as we think that they are old enough to make that call of whether they want to go out there or not, here in Nevada its not so easy. They are very much about both parents being involved, and just because the kids do not want to go out there is not enough of a reason to petition the court to adjust the visitation. Believe me I would like to be just that easy, but it's not.

The really sad part is that this has been going on for almost 10 years. And I did not make my kids my priority in the beginning, it was about making my ex pay for things he had done, but I have learned my lesson and made sure that I make the kids the priority and not attack him. (I try not to do this, but I know that I have my moments).

Our judge that we have had does not like either one of us, he really doesn't care for my ex anymore, he's been caught lying on the stand, and his gf tried to sit at the table to help him with the custody case. There's more.

But mostly I do try to keep it all about the kids.

thespeshulestsnowflake · February 2015

nhultberg461 said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

I think the bigger issue here is the fact they don't want to spend time at their bio-dad's house. It seems from your posts that he and his GF are crazy controlling, ie the whole cell phone thing. I get being able to check the phones, but to look over their shoulder for every text? Especially for the 14 yo. If they come close to my younger brother's texting amount (15,000 per month) that can be ridiculous.

Also, they don't feel comfortable talking around your ex's GF!? Why not?

I feel like the four of you need to talk (just you, your ex, and the kids). The kids are almost to an age where they can refuse to go. When my parents were divorcing, my brother was 14-15 and he was able to make his opinion known.

I wish that I could sit down with him and the kids and work this out, but his gf would not allow that to happen.
As much as we think that they are old enough to make that call of whether they want to go out there or not, here in Nevada its not so easy. They are very much about both parents being involved, and just because the kids do not want to go out there is not enough of a reason to petition the court to adjust the visitation. Believe me I would like to be just that easy, but it's not.
The really sad part is that this has been going on for almost 10 years. And I did not make my kids my priority in the beginning, it was about making my ex pay for things he had done, but I have learned my lesson and made sure that I make the kids the priority and not attack him. (I try not to do this, but I know that I have my moments).
Our judge that we have had does not like either one of us, he really doesn't care for my ex anymore, he's been caught lying on the stand, and his gf tried to sit at the table to help him with the custody case. There's more.
But mostly I do try to keep it all about the kids.

I'm sorry that's how it is, would it be easier to get full custody or change visitation rights once you are married?

I get it. More from the sibling side of it. I was 22 when my parents announced they were getting divorced, so it didn't have an impact on me in terms of custody and visiting. My brother was 15 at the time so it did him. Luckily, it was only a couple years once the divorce finalized, which doesn't seem to be the case with you.

In some ways it is good for your kids to see their father for who he really is and not having it be influenced by you. Not saying you are doing that. That was what was hardest for my mom with my brother. Though I get that it is sad and sucks to have him treat your kids that way.

And his GF seems like a controlling bitch-wad.

nhultberg461 · February 2015

No it's not easier to change it once I'm married.

I call Can't Understand Normal Thinking.

I hate that they are seeing him this way, my mom didn't keep her opinion about my dad to herself, nor did a lot of her family. I can say my dad didn't say anything nor does he even now. He just took care of me and my older brother and married an awesome women who I love having as my step mom, and two younger brothers too. My dad to this day will listen to what I have to say about my mom but never offers his opinion because it wouldn't be right. And my grandfather, his dad, is the same way. So I'm learning by example.

emmaaa · February 2015

I would tell your FI the truth. The kids are in a safely operated vehicle with seatbelts and you can not control your what vehicle your ex drives them in as long as it is safe. To tell him the bolded is a bad decison, especially if the kids didn't actually say anything to your ex.

nhultberg461 said:

I think maybe what I need to say to FI, is that kids did say something but nothing is going to change.
For FI its about safety to him. That's what he's concerned about.

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