MIL Issues

kae07 · February 2015

jenandtonic81515 said:

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.

To the bolded: A wedding is not tit for tat!!!!! Your reception is a thank you, from you and your husband, for your guests attending the ceremony. You don't divy up the cost based on whose side the guests are on. That is just rude and ungracious. Your wedding is the joining of two lives together...

As PPs have stated, you should never never never never never ask someone to pay for anything in your wedding!! If you are paying for it yourselves, then you do not have to invite their friends. Invite whomever you wish. If they are offering to pay, understand that this means they get to have a say in things. Not that they are given free reign to control everything, but they are fully within their rights to have a say in how their contribution is spent.

Your choices are A) accept that a financial contribution from anyone means that they have a say in how that money is spent B ) have the wedding that you and your fiance can afford on your own dime. You can not expect or ask that people will pay for your wedding, and you certainly can't do that and then be upset with them when they have a different idea than you in terms of how their hard-earned monetary GIFT is spent. You can't tell others how to spend their money.

Bottom line: no one HAS to do anything. no one should be expected to do anything. And enough with this his and hers side crap. Period.

Edit because a random sunglasses smiley appeared in my post.....

We didn't ask her to not invite any friends, her list is still bigger than mine. We did say that it had to be cut down based on space, all our lists (with the exception of immediate family) were cut down. I guess I feel like I've done what I can to help in making it so that friends of hers can come. I never said NONE OF THEM CAN COME! No, we simply stated that it was more than we could have, our guest list is over the amount, we will all have to slim down people. We were told that wasn't going to be a problem, it happens, everyone knows that happens.

I don't expect them to do anything, I didn't expect any help. I expect that my FI and I will pay for our own things. I didn't expect much at all.

So, perhaps my overall question should have been, how do I not sound rude when I say, 'well we're paying for it so that's how it goes.'?

saric83 · February 2015

Besides just the money issue, in a happy shiny world, you would have figured out the budget and size ahead of time and told them, we have X spots for you to invite whomever you would like from your family and friends. Please send that list to us by X date. And all of that would be a non-issue.

I think it's really important for you to realize that your MIL isn't causing issues. ( And even if she was, you cannot control her. You can only control your reactions.) There is much that could and should have been handled differently by you guys. Good or bad, you and FI have created the situation and issues with it, so just figure out the best way to move forward in the least stressful way for you.

For the RD, just have your FI let her know that you guys will make it very clear by the invites that you are hosting it, so it doesn't reflect upon her, and then do so. End of conversation.

lyndausvi · February 2015

JellyBean52513 said:

scribe95 said:

But your parents are paying for lots of stuff too. I just don't see you guys actually paying for your own wedding. That rubs me the wrong way.

That's not your place to judge. It's perfectly ok for a parent to want to provide financial support for their child's wedding, because even though they may be adults, they're still children to their parents. I get it, I'm not going to have a cent given to me by anyone when I get married one day and I'll be paying for the whole thing myself, but that doesn't mean I get to be bitter towards people whose parents are able and willing to help them out with such an important event.

I was 39 when I got married for the first time. Very much an adult. Owned my own condo.

My parents paid for most of the wedding. We covered "traditional" groom's side things like officiant, RD, flowers, photographer. They paid for my siblings weddings too.

Their contribution allowed us to have a kick-ass 3 week overseas HM.

Since they paid we all equally planned the wedding. They do not give out budgets. Dad thinks if I'm told $10K I will spend $10K just to spend it all. He has a point I guess. I'm sure I would have.

So I just let them guide us in the right direction they were thinking of spending on each item. We were all on the same page when it came to the main things like guest list and how to host (ie. full meal, full open bar). With the guest list I knew they would want to invite their friends (they all go to each other's kids weddings). NBD, I like their friends. Even if it had been 10 years since I had seen them.

MIL didn't contribute. Which was perfectly fine. We asked who she wanted to invite. Her list was pretty small. Mom asked if she was sure. MIL then added a few more names.

My BIL had a bigger family then we did and had about 50 people more people. Mom and dad didn't think twice about. Some people have bigger families or friends base. My sister didn't go around asking for more money from therm. (Her in-laws paid for the RD).

Then again, we plan differently then others. We get the rough guest list first. THEN we find a venue to fit the list while being able to host properly.

Unlike a lot of people who seem to find a venue and then try to figure out how many they can host.

kae07 · February 2015

We had the budget selected, we didn't ask what they wanted to contribute. We decided our budget and honestly, everyone told us it was too low. We knew the number of people ahead of time, knowing that we would need to cut down our own lists to accommodate and we were just fine in doing that. FI and I knew we would definitely have people on there that probably didn't need to be. The first thought list is such a cluster of people, that you know it gets changed. We did say to send us a list by X date, and reminded for months on end about it, and it didn't help.

I'm not trying to criticize, it would just be nice if there could be some understanding that when we're paying for something, we don't need to be criticized.

floridabride44 · February 2015

scribe95 said:

Eh, it's a chat forum. We judge people in these threads all day every day. My parents contributed some and my husband's parents did the rehearsal dinner. The thing is I would never have imagined criticizing them. It's their money. I know going in taking their money took some of my leverage and control away.

So your parents contributed to your wedding, yet you're judging the OP because her parents are contributing to hers? I'm so confused. I get that the OP made some poor choices, but saying this makes no sense whatsoever:

scribe95 said:

Am I missing the part where the bride and groom are paying for any part of this wedding other than sandwiches? Seriously, be adults. Pay for your own wedding and stop criticizing his parents for wanting control over their own money.

arrrghmatey · February 2015

kae07 said:

jenandtonic81515 said:

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.

To the bolded: A wedding is not tit for tat!!!!! Your reception is a thank you, from you and your husband, for your guests attending the ceremony. You don't divy up the cost based on whose side the guests are on. That is just rude and ungracious. Your wedding is the joining of two lives together...

As PPs have stated, you should never never never never never ask someone to pay for anything in your wedding!! If you are paying for it yourselves, then you do not have to invite their friends. Invite whomever you wish. If they are offering to pay, understand that this means they get to have a say in things. Not that they are given free reign to control everything, but they are fully within their rights to have a say in how their contribution is spent.

Your choices are A) accept that a financial contribution from anyone means that they have a say in how that money is spent B ) have the wedding that you and your fiance can afford on your own dime. You can not expect or ask that people will pay for your wedding, and you certainly can't do that and then be upset with them when they have a different idea than you in terms of how their hard-earned monetary GIFT is spent. You can't tell others how to spend their money.

Bottom line: no one HAS to do anything. no one should be expected to do anything. And enough with this his and hers side crap. Period.

Edit because a random sunglasses smiley appeared in my post.....

We didn't ask her to not invite any friends, her list is still bigger than mine. We did say that it had to be cut down based on space, all our lists (with the exception of immediate family) were cut down. I guess I feel like I've done what I can to help in making it so that friends of hers can come. I never said NONE OF THEM CAN COME! No, we simply stated that it was more than we could have, our guest list is over the amount, we will all have to slim down people. We were told that wasn't going to be a problem, it happens, everyone knows that happens.

I don't expect them to do anything, I didn't expect any help. I expect that my FI and I will pay for our own things. I didn't expect much at all.

So, perhaps my overall question should have been, how do I not sound rude when I say, 'well we're paying for it so that's how it goes.'?

If you and your FI are paying for your own wedding, don't bring up anything regarding the wedding to them. If you're footing the bill, then you have complete control. You don't need to include them on anything. If they bring something up, simply say, "Thanks for your input," and leave it at that. Don't elaborate otherwise you will give them more ammo to argue with you.

But if they're paying for any part of the wedding, they have a right to say how their money will be spent.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

kae07 said:
We had the budget selected, we didn't ask what they wanted to contribute. We decided our budget and honestly, everyone told us it was too low. We knew the number of people ahead of time, knowing that we would need to cut down our own lists to accommodate and we were just fine in doing that. FI and I knew we would definitely have people on there that probably didn't need to be. The first thought list is such a cluster of people, that you know it gets changed. We did say to send us a list by X date, and reminded for months on end about it, and it didn't help.

I'm not trying to criticize, it would just be nice if there could be some understanding that when we're paying for something, we don't need to be criticized.

I'm confused though. You say you asked them to pay for the dj and half of dinner, then you say they offered and how could you say no, then you say your family is paying for 75% of it.

RebeccaFlower · February 2015

kae07 said:

Am I missing that it's actually part of the day to have our friends there? As the day is to celebrate the union between us, and OUR friends actually care about the union between the two of us? While our parents friends haven't seen us in 10+ years?

SIB:
Uhg OP. I felt for you a little until you got snotty here. You need a margarita.

Put your big girl panties on, say no to inviting people you don't know and pay for your own wedding. 200 people isn't small.

kae07 · February 2015

Honestly, not trying to complain, and my frustration makes it complaining. Just at a loss on how to make it better. If multiple people are helping, shouldn't everyone have to agree? I mean that's never going to happen, but yeah. I guess I didn't see anything wrong in asking for them to spend the money they wanted to spend on the rehearsal dinner, on the main dinner. It's still going to a dinner. And it's a more important dinner (IMO). And it's a dinner where they will have more friends. The rehearsal dinner would be our exact wedding dinner guest list if it was up to everyone else.

Just because something was a tradition 'back in the day' doesn't mean it has to be a tradition now. Things change. And if an offer is put out that is to help with ANYTHING, then that means the offer is good for ANYTHING. I get it you relinquish some control, but again, it's still half on my side too. And I didn't have my family to help pick out what we're having for dinner. I know people who have split the dinner up like this, and it wasn't an issue.

We were already planning to host the rehearsal dinner anyway, and we had let everyone know about that. It was something we wanted to do for our families. We enjoy hosting dinners and having parties, it's fun. We know how to do so. We saw it as an opportunity to do something like that together as one of the last things we do before we're officially married.

kae07 · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

We had the budget selected, we didn't ask what they wanted to contribute. We decided our budget and honestly, everyone told us it was too low. We knew the number of people ahead of time, knowing that we would need to cut down our own lists to accommodate and we were just fine in doing that. FI and I knew we would definitely have people on there that probably didn't need to be. The first thought list is such a cluster of people, that you know it gets changed. We did say to send us a list by X date, and reminded for months on end about it, and it didn't help.

I'm not trying to criticize, it would just be nice if there could be some understanding that when we're paying for something, we don't need to be criticized.
I'm confused though. You say you asked them to pay for the dj and half of dinner, then you say they offered and how could you say no, then you say your family is paying for 75% of it.

I didn't say they were paying for 75% of it...I said 75% of the guest list isn't even my side. They offered to us to pay for things in the beginning, we said we do not know where we will need help yet, we hadn't planned much at that point so it was hard to say we need a, b and c. They just said to follow up when we knew. So we did.

kae07 · February 2015

RebeccaFlower said:

kae07 said:

Am I missing that it's actually part of the day to have our friends there? As the day is to celebrate the union between us, and OUR friends actually care about the union between the two of us? While our parents friends haven't seen us in 10+ years?

SIB:
Uhg OP. I felt for you a little until you got snotty here. You need a margarita.

Put your big girl panties on, say no to inviting people you don't know and pay for your own wedding. 200 people isn't small.

I know I did, heat of the moment frustration. 200 isn't small, that I know, but both of us having large families makes it small and intimate (ha).

flantastic · February 2015

The way to accomplish what you want is a) for you and your FI to agree b) to concede to your FILs some of the guest list, which you've done, and c) have your FI, not you, convey to his mother that "I think X number of guests from our side is good, but this Y list you've given us is out of the ballpark. Please cut it to X."

floridabride44 · February 2015

kae07 said:

Honestly, not trying to complain, and my frustration makes it complaining. Just at a loss on how to make it better. If multiple people are helping, shouldn't everyone have to agree? I mean that's never going to happen, but yeah. I guess I didn't see anything wrong in asking for them to spend the money they wanted to spend on the rehearsal dinner, on the main dinner. It's still going to a dinner. And it's a more important dinner (IMO). And it's a dinner where they will have more friends. The rehearsal dinner would be our exact wedding dinner guest list if it was up to everyone else.

Just because something was a tradition 'back in the day' doesn't mean it has to be a tradition now. Things change. And if an offer is put out that is to help with ANYTHING, then that means the offer is good for ANYTHING. I get it you relinquish some control, but again, it's still half on my side too. And I didn't have my family to help pick out what we're having for dinner. I know people who have split the dinner up like this, and it wasn't an issue.

We were already planning to host the rehearsal dinner anyway, and we had let everyone know about that. It was something we wanted to do for our families. We enjoy hosting dinners and having parties, it's fun. We know how to do so. We saw it as an opportunity to do something like that together as one of the last things we do before we're officially married.

The thing that's wrong with that is that you're telling them how to spend their money. Would you want someone telling you how to spend your money? If you said to a friend "Hey I'm gonna take you out to a movie, my treat!" and they said "Well, I'd rather you take me out for drinks instead." that would be incredibly rude. They don't get to tell you how to spend your money.

If someone offers you something, you don't get to say "well I'd rather have this" and expect them not to be offended.

kae07 · February 2015

hsgator said:

kae07 said:

Honestly, not trying to complain, and my frustration makes it complaining. Just at a loss on how to make it better. If multiple people are helping, shouldn't everyone have to agree? I mean that's never going to happen, but yeah. I guess I didn't see anything wrong in asking for them to spend the money they wanted to spend on the rehearsal dinner, on the main dinner. It's still going to a dinner. And it's a more important dinner (IMO). And it's a dinner where they will have more friends. The rehearsal dinner would be our exact wedding dinner guest list if it was up to everyone else.

Just because something was a tradition 'back in the day' doesn't mean it has to be a tradition now. Things change. And if an offer is put out that is to help with ANYTHING, then that means the offer is good for ANYTHING. I get it you relinquish some control, but again, it's still half on my side too. And I didn't have my family to help pick out what we're having for dinner. I know people who have split the dinner up like this, and it wasn't an issue.

We were already planning to host the rehearsal dinner anyway, and we had let everyone know about that. It was something we wanted to do for our families. We enjoy hosting dinners and having parties, it's fun. We know how to do so. We saw it as an opportunity to do something like that together as one of the last things we do before we're officially married.

The thing that's wrong with that is that you're telling them how to spend their money. Would you want someone telling you how to spend your money? If you said to a friend "Hey I'm gonna take you out to a movie, my treat!" and they said "Well, I'd rather you take me out for drinks instead." that would be incredibly rude. They don't get to tell you how to spend your money.

If someone offers you something, you don't get to say "well I'd rather have this" and expect them not to be offended.

I should have also stated they did not say where they wanted their money to go in the beginning. It was an open statement. After we asked, that's when things took a turn. I have a hard time with the 'we'll help you with anything you want' and then having it turn into 'we only want to help with this' after we've asked them to help with something else...

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

kae07 said:

CMGragain said:

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness.

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list.

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

I just can't get past your sense of entitlement.

You asked your FMIL to pay for half of your reception? What? I'd be upset with you, too!

You expect your FMIL to pay for half of the reception, but you object to her inviting her friends which only make up 25% of the guest list? I don't understand your objection at all!

Your FMIL is correct that traditionally, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner - and THAT IS ALL!!!

What makes you think that you are entitled to an expensive wedding? What made you think that your future in-laws should pay for it? Ugh! I don't blame your FMIL for being unhappy about your wedding.

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. **********Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?************

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.

--------------------------damn boxes-----------
On mobile, sorry. But I was referring to the quote in asterisks above. So your family is paying when 75% of the guest list is ILs'? I'm so confused. And did you ask or did they offer?!?!

Is op contradicting herself or am I suffering from I-have-4-hours-left-until-my-4day-vacation-starts syndrome?

plainjane0415 · February 2015

kae07 said:

hsgator said:

kae07 said:

Honestly, not trying to complain, and my frustration makes it complaining. Just at a loss on how to make it better. If multiple people are helping, shouldn't everyone have to agree? I mean that's never going to happen, but yeah. I guess I didn't see anything wrong in asking for them to spend the money they wanted to spend on the rehearsal dinner, on the main dinner. It's still going to a dinner. And it's a more important dinner (IMO). And it's a dinner where they will have more friends. The rehearsal dinner would be our exact wedding dinner guest list if it was up to everyone else.

Just because something was a tradition 'back in the day' doesn't mean it has to be a tradition now. Things change. And if an offer is put out that is to help with ANYTHING, then that means the offer is good for ANYTHING. I get it you relinquish some control, but again, it's still half on my side too. And I didn't have my family to help pick out what we're having for dinner. I know people who have split the dinner up like this, and it wasn't an issue.

We were already planning to host the rehearsal dinner anyway, and we had let everyone know about that. It was something we wanted to do for our families. We enjoy hosting dinners and having parties, it's fun. We know how to do so. We saw it as an opportunity to do something like that together as one of the last things we do before we're officially married.

The thing that's wrong with that is that you're telling them how to spend their money. Would you want someone telling you how to spend your money? If you said to a friend "Hey I'm gonna take you out to a movie, my treat!" and they said "Well, I'd rather you take me out for drinks instead." that would be incredibly rude. They don't get to tell you how to spend your money.

If someone offers you something, you don't get to say "well I'd rather have this" and expect them not to be offended.

I should have also stated they did not say where they wanted their money to go in the beginning. It was an open statement. After we asked, that's when things took a turn. I have a hard time with the 'we'll help you with anything you want' and then having it turn into 'we only want to help with this' after we've asked them to help with something else...

I get that. It is annoying. It is best to just plan with what you've got, and let them offer up what they want to pay for (if they offer) and go from there. Don't count on anything until it's in hand.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

OP I forgot, have you sent out invites yet? It sounds like to need to start over from scratch without MIL's involvement.

kae07 · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

OP I forgot, have you sent out invites yet? It sounds like to need to start over from scratch without MIL's involvement.

Can I just have an entire do over? Due to guest list editing, save the dates have been sent to family, and FI and my friends, FIL friends are a mixed bag, we waited for a few weeks to get edits....

kae07 · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

CMGragain said:

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness.

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.

Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list.

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

I just can't get past your sense of entitlement.

You asked your FMIL to pay for half of your reception? What? I'd be upset with you, too!

You expect your FMIL to pay for half of the reception, but you object to her inviting her friends which only make up 25% of the guest list? I don't understand your objection at all!

Your FMIL is correct that traditionally, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner - and THAT IS ALL!!!

What makes you think that you are entitled to an expensive wedding? What made you think that your future in-laws should pay for it? Ugh! I don't blame your FMIL for being unhappy about your wedding.

Excuse me, but my FI's friends take up another 25% and his family takes up about 15%. Please, tell me where I'm so entitled to be asking for them to help pay to feed their friends and family. I didn't want an expensive wedding, I have been keeping things in budget, thank you very much. We can only have 200 people, that's it. He has a large family. My family's friends don't get to be invited. **********Why should my family have to pay to feed 75% of people that aren't there for our side?************

If they didn't want to help pay for half of the dinner, then they should have said up front we only want to pay for this, this and this. Instead, they said please, tell us what you would like for us to pay for. Don't offer and then take it back.

So, please don't assume too quickly that I'm being entitled when I'm trying to stick to a budget, not get out of control on spending.
--------------------------damn boxes----------- On mobile, sorry. But I was referring to the quote in asterisks above. So your family is paying when 75% of the guest list is ILs'? I'm so confused. And did you ask or did they offer?!?! Is op contradicting herself or am I suffering from I-have-4-hours-left-until-my-4day-vacation-starts syndrome?

It says that 75% of people are NOT from our side (meaning my family's side).

Edit; not trying to be rude with the caps on not...just pointing that out...it does say aren't...so the not isn't apparent

JellyBean52513 · February 2015

@kae07 I want to let you know that I appreciate you taking everyone's advice in stride. I can tell by your posts that you recognize how your frustration is clouding your judgment, and I can tell you really want to solve this problem vs. just whining about it until we all agree with you. Dealing with families can be really difficult.

So, you've sent out STDs. I hope you haven't sent them out to EVERYBODY.... if not, then stop right where you are and have a talk with your FI before anything else happens with this wedding. Get on the same page, that's step one. As PPs have pointed out, you have a couple options:

a) tell FMIL that you two will plan and pay on your own from this point forward, thanks for your suggestions, can't wait to celebrate the big day when it comes, good night.
b) concede to FMIL's guest list and accept whatever money they are giving, including the strings that come with it.

Once you've made a decision, have your FI communicate this to his mother. Or, better yet, do it together face to face. I find an issue with your MIL feeling comfortable with talking badly about you to your FI when you're not around.... she wouldn't do that if he didn't make her believe it was ok to do so. He needs to take a united front with you.

As far as the food for the RD, I think this is something you need to let go of. If you are the hosts, then you can host however you want (although you shouldn't assume that everybody is like you and would want to kick back and be casual, because some people appreciate the more formal aspect of a rehearsal dinner). If FMIL is hosting, then you have to let her host the RD as she sees fit within etiquette. Don't let her have a cash bar, but don't tell her that a sit-down dinner isn't ok because a sit-down dinner is entirely reasonable and appropriate.

Good luck, OP. Stick around if you find you need more advice/suggestions. Again, dealing with families can be tough, but all of us here have a multitude of experience and advice to offer, and we'll help you navigate situations as appropriately as possible.

Viczaesar · February 2015

kae07 said:

hsgator said:

kae07 said:

Honestly, not trying to complain, and my frustration makes it complaining. Just at a loss on how to make it better. If multiple people are helping, shouldn't everyone have to agree? I mean that's never going to happen, but yeah. I guess I didn't see anything wrong in asking for them to spend the money they wanted to spend on the rehearsal dinner, on the main dinner. It's still going to a dinner. And it's a more important dinner (IMO). And it's a dinner where they will have more friends. The rehearsal dinner would be our exact wedding dinner guest list if it was up to everyone else.

Just because something was a tradition 'back in the day' doesn't mean it has to be a tradition now. Things change. And if an offer is put out that is to help with ANYTHING, then that means the offer is good for ANYTHING. I get it you relinquish some control, but again, it's still half on my side too. And I didn't have my family to help pick out what we're having for dinner. I know people who have split the dinner up like this, and it wasn't an issue.

We were already planning to host the rehearsal dinner anyway, and we had let everyone know about that. It was something we wanted to do for our families. We enjoy hosting dinners and having parties, it's fun. We know how to do so. We saw it as an opportunity to do something like that together as one of the last things we do before we're officially married.

The thing that's wrong with that is that you're telling them how to spend their money. Would you want someone telling you how to spend your money? If you said to a friend "Hey I'm gonna take you out to a movie, my treat!" and they said "Well, I'd rather you take me out for drinks instead." that would be incredibly rude. They don't get to tell you how to spend your money.

If someone offers you something, you don't get to say "well I'd rather have this" and expect them not to be offended.

I should have also stated they did not say where they wanted their money to go in the beginning. It was an open statement. After we asked, that's when things took a turn. I have a hard time with the 'we'll help you with anything you want' and then having it turn into 'we only want to help with this' after we've asked them to help with something else...

To be blunt, get over it. People are allowed to change the parameters of their offers of help.

CMGragain · February 2015

This whole business of people getting a certain percentage of the guest list that is comesurate to the portion of the wedding that they are paying for is tacky as hell.

We paid for daughter's wedding. All of it. The groom's family paid for and planned the rehearsal dinner. Nobody asked anyone for anything. Out of 135 people at the wedding, we knew about a dozen. Did I care? No. Was the newly married couple happy? Yes.

Nobody told me what I would spend. Nobody insisted on anything. I just wrote the check. It was a modest church wedding. (His church, not ours.) If we had not offered to pay for the wedding, it would have been a private church wedding with a very modest reception in a backyard.

I am disgusted by brides who worry about other people paying for their wedding, and then make demands. Nobody asked us for anything. We volunteered. OP's FMIL did not volunteer, and there is no reason why she should.

OP, you are not entitled to a dinner reception. You are not entitled to a DJ. You are not entitled to alcohol. There is only one thing that you ARE entitled to: you get to legally marry the person you love - provided you can pay for the license.

MadHops21 · February 2015

My dad is planning on paying for my entire wedding. It's our gift from him. He's proud that I'm graduating from college, have a career already (started when I was 21), and seem to be level headed. I was a problem child.

He's paying easily $20k+ for food alone, and he knows that. He's also paying for the venue, DJ, trolley, other reception related things, and the RD.

Traditionally, FI's parents pay for RD, but my house (parents and sister and I live together) is getting $170k+ remodeling done, and it will be gorgeous, so my dad wants to show it off a bit. I don't mind at all, he gets excited when we start talking about it (he wants a pro violinist and pianist in the house, playing during RD). I'm paying for the dress since that's a me thing only.

FI's parents have not offered anything, and that's fine. My mom keeps asking me if they have offered anything, but they have not, and it's fine. Even if my dad wasn't paying, I would still never ask for money. I would feel incredibly rude. I have their guest list for their side, but they have not offered any money. That's okay, my family can cover it, but if they start demanding for things, like a band, then they will need to pony up the money. Only once they start asking for something, will I say "Great, how much can you afford for it?". Other than that, I would never bring up their money for the wedding.

kae07 · February 2015

MadHops21 said:

My dad is planning on paying for my entire wedding. It's our gift from him. He's proud that I'm graduating from college, have a career already (started when I was 21), and seem to be level headed. I was a problem child.

He's paying easily $20k+ for food alone, and he knows that. He's also paying for the venue, DJ, trolley, other reception related things, and the RD.

Traditionally, FI's parents pay for RD, but my house (parents and sister and I live together) is getting $170k+ remodeling done, and it will be gorgeous, so my dad wants to show it off a bit. I don't mind at all, he gets excited when we start talking about it (he wants a pro violinist and pianist in the house, playing during RD). I'm paying for the dress since that's a me thing only.

FI's parents have not offered anything, and that's fine. My mom keeps asking me if they have offered anything, but they have not, and it's fine. Even if my dad wasn't paying, I would still never ask for money. I would feel incredibly rude. I have their guest list for their side, but they have not offered any money. That's okay, my family can cover it, but if they start demanding for things, like a band, then they will need to pony up the money. Only once they start asking for something, will I say "Great, how much can you afford for it?". Other than that, I would never bring up their money for the wedding.

And they offered to help pay for things (is that not volunteering?), we didn't ask in the first place. They asked FI what he thought we would need help with, FI said WAY too much, but they didn't bat an eye. So the budget aspect was there, and they said they didn't care where it went. I guess I just say that we asked because they put the offer out and we had to ask, I hate saying we told them, because again, offer was on the table. And EVERY time we went to visit them it was like 'what do we need to pay for? what do you need from us?' So I guess that's where a lot of the frustration comes from, being questioned constantly about what we need, and we said we don't need anything. We can afford the wedding we have. I've been saving up for awhile, he's been saving up for awhile, and we still have 7 months before the big day. They kept telling us they want to help, we finally said okay this is where you can help.

We didn't bring up the money aspect in the first place, in fact I didn't bring it up at all. Just as I didn't bring it up with my own parents. They said we will pay $X. And I said that's more than I'll need, but okay. They know I want to pay for parts of our wedding too, and I have, and I will continue to do so.

saric83 · February 2015

kae07 said:
And they offered to help pay for things (is that not volunteering?), we didn't ask in the first place. They asked FI what he thought we would need help with, FI said WAY too much, but they didn't bat an eye. So the budget aspect was there, and they said they didn't care where it went. I guess I just say that we asked because they put the offer out and we had to ask, I hate saying we told them, because again, offer was on the table. And EVERY time we went to visit them it was like 'what do we need to pay for? what do you need from us?' So I guess that's where a lot of the frustration comes from, being questioned constantly about what we need, and we said we don't need anything. We can afford the wedding we have. I've been saving up for awhile, he's been saving up for awhile, and we still have 7 months before the big day. They kept telling us they want to help, we finally said okay this is where you can help.

We didn't bring up the money aspect in the first place, in fact I didn't bring it up at all. Just as I didn't bring it up with my own parents. They said we will pay $X. And I said that's more than I'll need, but okay. They know I want to pay for parts of our wedding too, and I have, and I will continue to do so.

If you guys can afford the plans as-of now without their money, why don't you just plan to do that and ask them if they want to instead host the rehearsal dinner (since they very clearly want to) and leave it at that?

MairePoppy · February 2015

@saric83 - you know common sense doesn't apply to wedding planning.

kae07 · February 2015

saric83 said:

kae07 said:
And they offered to help pay for things (is that not volunteering?), we didn't ask in the first place. They asked FI what he thought we would need help with, FI said WAY too much, but they didn't bat an eye. So the budget aspect was there, and they said they didn't care where it went. I guess I just say that we asked because they put the offer out and we had to ask, I hate saying we told them, because again, offer was on the table. And EVERY time we went to visit them it was like 'what do we need to pay for? what do you need from us?' So I guess that's where a lot of the frustration comes from, being questioned constantly about what we need, and we said we don't need anything. We can afford the wedding we have. I've been saving up for awhile, he's been saving up for awhile, and we still have 7 months before the big day. They kept telling us they want to help, we finally said okay this is where you can help.

We didn't bring up the money aspect in the first place, in fact I didn't bring it up at all. Just as I didn't bring it up with my own parents. They said we will pay $X. And I said that's more than I'll need, but okay. They know I want to pay for parts of our wedding too, and I have, and I will continue to do so.

If you guys can afford the plans as-of now without their money, why don't you just plan to do that and ask them if they want to instead host the rehearsal dinner (since they very clearly want to) and leave it at that?

The rehearsal dinner is something that we want to host, we want it to be low key. Without getting into a TMI situation, FI has issues with certain foods. He said he would like to be making the decisions about dinner that night. When the offering started, we did ask if there was anything in particular they wanted to do, and they said no. So, we started planning.

kae07 · February 2015

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

Wedding invite will be a 'together with their parents' or 'together with their families' kind of thing, still working on detail sheets. I think that says it's hosted by our families?

We've already booked items for the dinner, and we have put down deposits. I wouldn't be nearly as concerned if we hadn't done that already. FI and I will make sure it's obvious we are hosting it.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

kae07 · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

Exactly, but rich foods cause issues, as does dairy. And again, FI wanted to plan this so that he gets what he wants for food. I'm not going to argue with FI if he wants to actually DO something. Most grooms want to sit back and have the bride do everything, I told him if he wants to pick something or plan something, have at it! I'm glad he's supportive of the planning process, it makes my life easier knowing he'll be getting things he wants.

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