MIL Issues

flantastic · February 2015

kae07 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

Exactly, but rich foods cause issues, as does dairy. And again, FI wanted to plan this so that he gets what he wants for food. I'm not going to argue with FI if he wants to actually DO something. Most grooms want to sit back and have the bride do everything, I told him if he wants to pick something or plan something, have at it! I'm glad he's supportive of the planning process, it makes my life easier knowing he'll be getting things he wants.

The two of you should be planning a wedding together anyway. There were several things which neither FI nor I wanted to take care of but had to be done, and we split those things up because it was equally our responsibility. I get that it makes sense to let him take care of the things he cares about, but I think you both need to make the joint decision to give this up so that everyone gets more of what they want.

None of what you said negates the option for your FI not to have rich food at this dinner, even if his parents plan it.

climbingsingle · February 2015

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness.

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.
Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list.

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

Ok, I haven't even gotten through the whole post, so I don't know if this has been touched on. But the first bolded - WTF does that even have to do with anything?? People have different relationships. I'm extremely close with my mom. My mom's sister and her daughter have a VERY different relationship. But that's not something I would ever judge. Honestly, this makes you sound incredibly immature. I assume you only posted this to try to paint your MIL in a poor light to us.

The second boded - again, what does this have to do with your post? My husband and I are very loving, and often give each other PDAs. We don't do this to "prove our love" to other people. Honestly, that's so ridiculous. We do it because we're in love and we like touching each other. You seem to have a really skewed view on this. How weird.

kae07 · February 2015

flantastic said:

kae07 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

Exactly, but rich foods cause issues, as does dairy. And again, FI wanted to plan this so that he gets what he wants for food. I'm not going to argue with FI if he wants to actually DO something. Most grooms want to sit back and have the bride do everything, I told him if he wants to pick something or plan something, have at it! I'm glad he's supportive of the planning process, it makes my life easier knowing he'll be getting things he wants.

The two of you should be planning a wedding together anyway. There were several things which neither FI nor I wanted to take care of but had to be done, and we split those things up because it was equally our responsibility. I get that it makes sense to let him take care of the things he cares about, but I think you both need to make the joint decision to give this up so that everyone gets more of what they want.
None of what you said negates the option for your FI not to have rich food at this dinner, even if his parents plan it.

But if it's something that he has said that he wants to have, then he should get to. We are taking care of things together, I didn't mean to make it appear like he's the only one planning certain pieces, and I'm planning others. We've worked as a team. It's just that we do take the lead on different items.

JellyBean52513 · February 2015

kae07 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

Exactly, but rich foods cause issues, as does dairy. And again, FI wanted to plan this so that he gets what he wants for food. I'm not going to argue with FI if he wants to actually DO something. Most grooms want to sit back and have the bride do everything, I told him if he wants to pick something or plan something, have at it! I'm glad he's supportive of the planning process, it makes my life easier knowing he'll be getting things he wants.

If your FI feels so strongly about it, he needs to put his foot down with his mother. You don't HAVE to let someone host a party for you just because they're offering/insisting; we tell brides here all the time that they're welcome to decline offers for showers, bach parties, etc. because what the host wants to do is not something the bride/couple is down for. If your FMIL is reeeeally insistent on hosting, I think it would be a nice gesture to let her do it, but you guys have to understand that it will be on her terms.

I think this one is really your FI's call to make, since he's the one who will needs to put his foot down if you decide that you really want to host the RD.

kae07 · February 2015

climbingwife said:

kae07 said:

So, I am generally a stressed out person, and my future MIL is not helping my situation. And get prepared for a long post...my apologies...

A little background, my mom and I have an amazing relationship, she's been my biggest fan forever and she usually is good with anything I decide for my life, or my wedding. I only have one sibling, and she's a single mom, so I spent three years living with just my mom. We talk on the phone for like an hour and half or more once a week, sometimes we talk multiple days for like half an hour, depends on the week. We text pretty much every day. It's just how things go. My FI has a sister, and the relationship his mom has with her is the complete opposite, lots of arguing, not a lot of openness.

My FI and I have been together for five years, and we are naturally private people. It's not that we don't want to share, we're good with sharing, but things like PDA are not our thing. We don't feel the need to prove our love and affection to other people, as other people are not involved in that part of our relationship. When we have problems, we don't drag other people in, we ultimately have to talk to each other about everything to get anywhere. We feel like we're doing great, and we feel like we are planning the day that we want.
Now to the problem, it's been going on since the ring got slipped on my finger. I never felt disliked before, but once I said we were waiting a year and a half for our wedding, let's just say the looks started and haven't stopped. I personally have a busy life, and planning a wedding in 6 months didn't fit in to it, not to mention everywhere we were interested in was booked a year in advance! We have been planning and getting things together. I asked for a guest list in October of 2013, the guest list was given to me in September of 2014. It contained more friends than I was inviting. We're having a small wedding, this list had more than a fourth of the guests. My FI and I decided that we want to have sandwiches for the rehearsal dinner because my family is traveling 3 or more hours to come to the wedding, and who wants to get out of a car, dress up and do a fancy sit down dinner? When I drive home, I want to put on sweatpants and eat take out (and I usually do). She is constantly telling my FI that sandwiches will reflect poorly upon her, and she asks about it every time she sees him by himself.

We asked for them to pay for half of the wedding dinner, it is more expensive, and their chunk of the guest list is large, since this wedding isn't in my hometown. She has now been telling us that we're 'untraditional' and that the grooms parents take care of the rehearsal. In the beginning she told me that she hasn't been to a wedding or helped with one in years. I've been in five and attended more than 10 in the last five years. She's basing everything off of her own wedding....over 30 years ago. I get it, we aren't exactly doing things in the traditional light, but we're getting married in his hometown, not mine, so I don't feel completely off base asking for help with a dinner that will feed more of their guests than mine. We told her she had to cut people from the guest list, and she got upset because she's told everyone about it already. My mom has two friends on the list.

On top of all of that, she tells my FI that she just can't talk to me about the wedding. Every time that we talk about the wedding she gives me disapproving looks and argues with what we have decided. That's just caused me to keep details to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm inadequate for planning a day that I want. And then when I'm not around her with my FI she asks him every question over again expecting him to just give in to what she wants to plan. She asks if it's really wants, and hints at whether or not we're happy together because we aren't constantly staring at each other and smiling. Anytime I'm around her I'm just stressed out!

Any advice on handling the situation? I'm pretty sure I have yet to go about it in the right way.

Ok, I haven't even gotten through the whole post, so I don't know if this has been touched on. But the first bolded - WTF does that even have to do with anything?? People have different relationships. I'm extremely close with my mom. My mom's sister and her daughter have a VERY different relationship. But that's not something I would ever judge. Honestly, this makes you sound incredibly immature. I assume you only posted this to try to paint your MIL in a poor light to us.

The second boded - again, what does this have to do with your post? My husband and I are very loving, and often give each other PDAs. We don't do this to "prove our love" to other people. Honestly, that's so ridiculous. We do it because we're in love and we like touching each other. You seem to have a really skewed view on this. How weird.

I only pointed out a few of those things just to say that I don't know if that's where some of the problem comes from. Like the relationship is completely different, so I don't know if it's assumed that I'm the same, like that I will not be as open. I know that happens.

And the PDA thing bothers me, we've had it pointed out that when we're around other people we just look very blah with each other. We don't mean to, but it's weird to have it pointed out. Generally when we get to their home it's after a long drive and we're tired. And we just aren't huge in that whole thing. We show that we love each other in different ways. I don't exactly know why I said that one, it's just frustrating to have it pointed out to us.

flantastic · February 2015

kae07 said:

flantastic said:

kae07 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

Exactly, but rich foods cause issues, as does dairy. And again, FI wanted to plan this so that he gets what he wants for food. I'm not going to argue with FI if he wants to actually DO something. Most grooms want to sit back and have the bride do everything, I told him if he wants to pick something or plan something, have at it! I'm glad he's supportive of the planning process, it makes my life easier knowing he'll be getting things he wants.

The two of you should be planning a wedding together anyway. There were several things which neither FI nor I wanted to take care of but had to be done, and we split those things up because it was equally our responsibility. I get that it makes sense to let him take care of the things he cares about, but I think you both need to make the joint decision to give this up so that everyone gets more of what they want.
None of what you said negates the option for your FI not to have rich food at this dinner, even if his parents plan it.

But if it's something that he has said that he wants to have, then he should get to. We are taking care of things together, I didn't mean to make it appear like he's the only one planning certain pieces, and I'm planning others. We've worked as a team. It's just that we do take the lead on different items.

Okay, but we don't always get everything we want. Even for our wedding. If you want to make it a priority that he gets what he wants, you both have to deal with this mess which would be easily solved (or at least helped) by giving it up.

Neither H nor I got the RD we wanted - we wanted it as small as possible, and we didn't want a "feature presentation" slideshow of us. However, MIL was hosting and she decided to invite all the aunts and uncles and create a slideshow. We could have declined her offer to host and tried to redirect her money, but I don't think that would have gone over well, because what she wanted was to host the RD. It was still a nice enough dinner.

MadHops21 · February 2015

And the PDA thing bothers me, we've had it pointed out that when we're around other people we just look very blah with each other. We don't mean to, but it's weird to have it pointed out. Generally when we get to their home it's after a long drive and we're tired. And we just aren't huge in that whole thing. We show that we love each other in different ways. I don't exactly know why I said that one, it's just frustrating to have it pointed out to us.

This is weird...but okay. I don't have to show my love to my FI out in public, but I like to hold his hand sometimes or just sit in his lap. I enjoy my time with him and touching him. Doesn't mean I'm trying to prove to everyone else my love, it's just nice to touch him (we don't live together or see each other often).

I understand your frustration. If FMIL wants to host the RD, and if paying for it, then she gets the most say. She should know the diet restrictions your FI has. Or else tell the caterer or restaurant you go to.

**Knotties, help me understand this part**

If FMIL is paying for most of this, then she's hosting it, right? Even if OP and her FI have booked the venue and food? It would say FMIL's name on the invites when it goes out, along with "honoring OP and FI's wedding" or whatever RD invites say?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

kae07 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

scribe95 said:

If I were you I would let go this odd obsession with the rehearsal dinner. Clearly FI's parents want to host that. But you keep trying to push their contribution to the wedding instead. They are probably traditional and think many people will think they are hosting the rehearsal dinner and want it to be nice. That's fine. Let them.

Also, how are your invites worded? Who is hosting the wedding? Maybe they are uncomfortable giving money to the wedding and not being the hosts?

Just trying to figure out what their motivation could be.

This.

I'm sure they are aware of their son's dietary restrictions, being his parents and all. And if not, then he should tell them so that the restaurant or caterer can plan an individual meal specifically to accomodate your FI.

Exactly, but rich foods cause issues, as does dairy. And again, FI wanted to plan this so that he gets what he wants for food. I'm not going to argue with FI if he wants to actually DO something. Most grooms want to sit back and have the bride do everything, I told him if he wants to pick something or plan something, have at it! I'm glad he's supportive of the planning process, it makes my life easier knowing he'll be getting things he wants.

Your FI realizes he can ask for an individual meal that's specially prepared to cater to his dietary issues, which he is served, and then have a different menu for everyone else who doesn't have his dietary issues, right?

Just because he has dietary issues doesn't mean he has to control the entire menu and impose his food restrictions on everyone else.

So if his parents want to host the rehearsal dinner, and this will get them off of your back so to speak, your FI and his parents can work that out so that your FI can get what he wants and the rest of the guests can eat what his parents pick out.

Otherwise, the best suggestion is just for you and your FI to totally decline his parents' money and then you'll have full control of your reception.

kae07 · February 2015

MadHops21 said:

And the PDA thing bothers me, we've had it pointed out that when we're around other people we just look very blah with each other. We don't mean to, but it's weird to have it pointed out. Generally when we get to their home it's after a long drive and we're tired. And we just aren't huge in that whole thing. We show that we love each other in different ways. I don't exactly know why I said that one, it's just frustrating to have it pointed out to us.

This is weird...but okay. I don't have to show my love to my FI out in public, but I like to hold his hand sometimes or just sit in his lap. I enjoy my time with him and touching him. Doesn't mean I'm trying to prove to everyone else my love, it's just nice to touch him (we don't live together or see each other often).

I understand your frustration. If FMIL wants to host the RD, and if paying for it, then she gets the most say. She should know the diet restrictions your FI has. Or else tell the caterer or restaurant you go to.

**Knotties, help me understand this part**

If FMIL is paying for most of this, then she's hosting it, right? Even if OP and her FI have booked the venue and food? It would say FMIL's name on the invites when it goes out, along with "honoring OP and FI's wedding" or whatever RD invites say?

FMIL isn't paying for any of our RD, we're paying for it entirely, so we're hosting it....

They did help pick out wedding reception food.

MadHops21 · February 2015

kae07 said:

MadHops21 said:

And the PDA thing bothers me, we've had it pointed out that when we're around other people we just look very blah with each other. We don't mean to, but it's weird to have it pointed out. Generally when we get to their home it's after a long drive and we're tired. And we just aren't huge in that whole thing. We show that we love each other in different ways. I don't exactly know why I said that one, it's just frustrating to have it pointed out to us.

This is weird...but okay. I don't have to show my love to my FI out in public, but I like to hold his hand sometimes or just sit in his lap. I enjoy my time with him and touching him. Doesn't mean I'm trying to prove to everyone else my love, it's just nice to touch him (we don't live together or see each other often).

I understand your frustration. If FMIL wants to host the RD, and if paying for it, then she gets the most say. She should know the diet restrictions your FI has. Or else tell the caterer or restaurant you go to.

**Knotties, help me understand this part**

If FMIL is paying for most of this, then she's hosting it, right? Even if OP and her FI have booked the venue and food? It would say FMIL's name on the invites when it goes out, along with "honoring OP and FI's wedding" or whatever RD invites say?

FMIL isn't paying for any of our RD, we're paying for it entirely, so we're hosting it....

They did help pick out wedding reception food.

If she's not paying, then why do you care what she's saying about it? Your money, your RD. I'm missing the drama here completely it seems.

slothiegal · February 2015

MadHops21 said: kae07 said: MadHops21 said: And the PDA thing bothers me, we've had it pointed out that when we're around other people we just look very blah with each other. We don't mean to, but it's weird to have it pointed out. Generally when we get to their home it's after a long drive and we're tired. And we just aren't huge in that whole thing. We show that we love each other in different ways. I don't exactly know why I said that one, it's just frustrating to have it pointed out to us.
This is weird...but okay. I don't have to show my love to my FI out in public, but I like to hold his hand sometimes or just sit in his lap. I enjoy my time with him and touching him. Doesn't mean I'm trying to prove to everyone else my love, it's just nice to touch him (we don't live together or see each other often).
I understand your frustration. If FMIL wants to host the RD, and if paying for it, then she gets the most say. She should know the diet restrictions your FI has. Or else tell the caterer or restaurant you go to.
**Knotties, help me understand this part**
If FMIL is paying for most of this, then she's hosting it, right? Even if OP and her FI have booked the venue and food? It would say FMIL's name on the invites when it goes out, along with "honoring OP and FI's wedding" or whatever RD invites say?

FMIL isn't paying for any of our RD, we're paying for it entirely, so we're hosting it....
They did help pick out wedding reception food. If she's not paying, then why do you care what she's saying about it? Your money, your RD. I'm missing the drama here completely it seems.
------
Eh, you're not the only one. Every time I come back to check on the E board, this thread seems to grow, and I can't figure out why.

More coffee for me.

ETA boxes blah

MadHops21 · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

Add me to the list of people wondering "So what was the point of this thread? What's the issue?"

plainjane0415 · February 2015

slothiegal said:

MadHops21 said:

kae07 said:

MadHops21 said:

And the PDA thing bothers me, we've had it pointed out that when we're around other people we just look very blah with each other. We don't mean to, but it's weird to have it pointed out. Generally when we get to their home it's after a long drive and we're tired. And we just aren't huge in that whole thing. We show that we love each other in different ways. I don't exactly know why I said that one, it's just frustrating to have it pointed out to us.

This is weird...but okay. I don't have to show my love to my FI out in public, but I like to hold his hand sometimes or just sit in his lap. I enjoy my time with him and touching him. Doesn't mean I'm trying to prove to everyone else my love, it's just nice to touch him (we don't live together or see each other often).

I understand your frustration. If FMIL wants to host the RD, and if paying for it, then she gets the most say. She should know the diet restrictions your FI has. Or else tell the caterer or restaurant you go to.

**Knotties, help me understand this part**

If FMIL is paying for most of this, then she's hosting it, right? Even if OP and her FI have booked the venue and food? It would say FMIL's name on the invites when it goes out, along with "honoring OP and FI's wedding" or whatever RD invites say?

FMIL isn't paying for any of our RD, we're paying for it entirely, so we're hosting it....

They did help pick out wedding reception food.

If she's not paying, then why do you care what she's saying about it? Your money, your RD. I'm missing the drama here completely it seems.

------

Eh, you're not the only one. Every time I come back to check on the E board, this thread seems to grow, and I can't figure out why.

More coffee for me.

ETA boxes blah ---box---
When I come back it's a different story every time, MIL's paying for RD. now she's not, wait, she is contirbuting a little, but we are paying for everything.... I don't understand. PDA......??????

kae07 · February 2015

We are paying for AND hosting our own RD. We decided that as a couple. The issue arose because we were told that FIL's were happy to help with ANYTHING we needed. We told them it was fine and we really didn't need anything, but it was a continuous insistence, so we said if you want to help we would like help with our wedding reception meal. And then a couple of months later we find out that they would prefer to do the RD, after FI and I have booked things and prepared to host it ourselves. They never said anything about the RD and I have never said they were paying for any part of the RD.

MadHops21 · February 2015

kae07 said:

We are paying for AND hosting our own RD. We decided that as a couple. The issue arose because we were told that FIL's were happy to help with ANYTHING we needed. We told them it was fine and we really didn't need anything, but it was a continuous insistence, so we said if you want to help we would like help with our wedding reception meal. And then a couple of months later we find out that they would prefer to do the RD, after FI and I have booked things and prepared to host it ourselves. They never said anything about the RD and I have never said they were paying for any part of the RD.

Well, now that I think I'm caught up...

Who cares? Let her bitch and moan about it. She's too late, obviously, nothing can be done about it.

I think if I offered to pay for something, I would want to know before you put money down on it. I see FMIL is upset because she wanted to help pay, but you went ahead and did the RD already. If you accept money from you, you have to tell her before you do anything what exactly is needed and what it costs.

Paying for it yourself, then telling her it's this much money after the fact doesn't really feel like she's paying for it. I'm sure she would have preferred to help plan it/choose a menu/etc, not just give up money once you've decided everything.

kae07 · February 2015

MadHops21 said:

kae07 said:

We are paying for AND hosting our own RD. We decided that as a couple. The issue arose because we were told that FIL's were happy to help with ANYTHING we needed. We told them it was fine and we really didn't need anything, but it was a continuous insistence, so we said if you want to help we would like help with our wedding reception meal. And then a couple of months later we find out that they would prefer to do the RD, after FI and I have booked things and prepared to host it ourselves. They never said anything about the RD and I have never said they were paying for any part of the RD.

Well, now that I think I'm caught up...

Who cares? Let her bitch and moan about it. She's too late, obviously, nothing can be done about it.

I think if I offered to pay for something, I would want to know before you put money down on it. I see FMIL is upset because she wanted to help pay, but you went ahead and did the RD already. If you accept money from you, you have to tell her before you do anything what exactly is needed and what it costs.

Paying for it yourself, then telling her it's this much money after the fact doesn't really feel like she's paying for it. I'm sure she would have preferred to help plan it/choose a menu/etc, not just give up money once you've decided everything.

No, no, no. She didn't say that she wanted to do the RD. When she offered to help, we asked where she wanted to help and she said where ever is needed. Had she been up front and told me she wanted to do the RD, I wouldn't have cared. It was because it was after she asked how she could help financially. She joined FI and myself on our visit to meet with our caterers for our wedding dinner. She helped us choose our menu for it.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

kae07 said:

We are paying for AND hosting our own RD. We decided that as a couple. The issue arose because we were told that FIL's were happy to help with ANYTHING we needed. We told them it was fine and we really didn't need anything, but it was a continuous insistence, so we said if you want to help we would like help with our wedding reception meal. And then a couple of months later we find out that they would prefer to do the RD, after FI and I have booked things and prepared to host it ourselves. They never said anything about the RD and I have never said they were paying for any part of the RD.

Look, this is something your FI has to sort out with his parents.

It sounds to me that all along, they wanted to pay for and host the RD, and when instead you and your FI asked them to pay for a portion of the reception dinner, they felt obligated to say yes. But they don't want to pay for the reception dinner.

So your FI needs to have a come to Jesus talk with them. Seriously, everyone needs to start acting like adults and communicate.

First, FI should apologize for his part in the faux pas of asking them to pay for the reception dinner. Then, your FI can either compromise and allow them to pay and host the RD if that's what they really want to do, or he can politely decline the offer and let them know that he has already taken care of it. His dietary issues should have no bearing on this decision, as we have been saying previously, any professional chef/caterer will be able to make a special meal for him that will address his dietary issues.

And if your FI declines their offer to host the RD, then he should give them an out on paying for the reception dinner, as that was a mess you both created, and you and your FI should pay for the reception dinner. Which at that point means that you guys have more control over the guestlist, so your FI gets to have that talk with his parents too.

esstee33 · February 2015

Are you having sandwiches at your RD because of your FI's dietary issues or because your family is traveling and won't want a big meal, like you said in your OP?

kae07 · February 2015

esstee33 said:

Are you having sandwiches at your RD because of your FI's dietary issues or because your family is traveling and won't want a big meal, like you said in your OP?

Both, FI and I are traveling too and can't come in until that morning. Most family will not be there until that night, including parts of FI's family. It's going to be a lot more come and go, because of different travel plans, which is why I can't seem to find a reason to have a sit down dinner.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

esstee33 said:

Are you having sandwiches at your RD because of your FI's dietary issues or because your family is traveling and won't want a big meal, like you said in your OP?

Yeah. . .

I don't want to add gasoline to a fire, but, well I've been in a ton of weddings, so I'm just going to be honest. . .

I'd be super bummed if I had to attend a rehearsal and RD, especially if I traveled from OOT, and dinner was just sandwiches. . . because the Groom has dietary issues. I don't really care for sandwiches, even for lunch, for dinner I prefer a hot meal, and I'd wonder why the Groom just didn't request a specific meal for himself that he could eat.

DH hates olives with the fiery passion of 1 million suns. We had an antipasto station at your reception. Olives are a huge part of antipasto. Did we remove all olives just because DH hates them? No, he just didn't eat them.

One of our guests has Celiac's disease. Did we strike all gluten from the menu to accommodate her? No. We made sure there were gluten free options, which we would have chosen anyways, and we made sure she had a special plate prepared specifically for her. We still served breads, pastas, etc.

Do you see what I'm trying to say here?

redoryx · February 2015

kae07 said:

esstee33 said:

Are you having sandwiches at your RD because of your FI's dietary issues or because your family is traveling and won't want a big meal, like you said in your OP?

Both, FI and I are traveling too and can't come in until that morning. Most family will not be there until that night, including parts of FI's family. It's going to be a lot more come and go, because of different travel plans, which is why I can't seem to find a reason to have a sit down dinner.

I don't know .... If I've been traveling and running around, the idea of being able to finally sit down and eat is far more appealing than just getting sandwiches.

MadHops21 · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

esstee33 said:

Are you having sandwiches at your RD because of your FI's dietary issues or because your family is traveling and won't want a big meal, like you said in your OP?

Yeah. . .

I don't want to add gasoline to a fire, but, well I've been in a ton of weddings, so I'm just going to be honest. . .

I'd be super bummed if I had to attend a rehearsal and RD, especially if I traveled from OOT, and dinner was just sandwiches. . . because the Groom has dietary issues. I don't really care for sandwiches, even for lunch, for dinner I prefer a hot meal, and I'd wonder why the Groom just didn't request a specific meal for himself that he could eat.

DH hates olives with the fiery passion of 1 million suns. We had an antipasto station at your reception. Olives are a huge part of antipasto. Did we remove all olives just because DH hates them? No, he just didn't eat them.

One of our guests has Celiac's disease. Did we strike all gluten from the menu to accommodate her? No. We made sure there were gluten free options, which we would have chosen anyways, and we made sure she had a special plate prepared specifically for her. We still served breads, pastas, etc.

Do you see what I'm trying to say here?

All this. I usually sit out and watch a thread like this go without saying anything, but I have to talk here.

I'm an extremely picky eater. I don't eat fruits, veggies, soups, salads, condiments, sauces, sandwiches, most meats. If I did a dinner only for me, everyone would be forced to eat mac and cheese and maybe chicken with sprite (I don't like alcohol or teas or hot drinks).

Your FI shouldn't limit the menu to only his needs. For my wedding, I'm letting my dad choose most food (especially since he's paying for it) because if I did it, no one would eat anything and leave dissatisfied.

kae07 · February 2015

We aren't doing just sandwiches, we're planning to do BBQ sandwiches, we're going to do sides, like homemade family recipe sides. Things that are meaningful, like stuff grandparents used to make, because some grandparents are not able to be with us.

MadHops21 · February 2015

kae07 said:

We aren't doing just sandwiches, we're planning to do BBQ sandwiches, we're going to do sides, like homemade family recipe sides. Things that are meaningful, like stuff grandparents used to make, because some grandparents are not able to be with us.

But I hate BBQ sandwiches. Is that the only main course you're doing? If I was traveling and heard there was one food option, which I didn't like, I'd be really disappointed and stop at a McDonalds after. And eating sides for a meal isn't that great, but I've done it before and left disappointed.

kae07 · February 2015

MadHops21 said:

kae07 said:

We aren't doing just sandwiches, we're planning to do BBQ sandwiches, we're going to do sides, like homemade family recipe sides. Things that are meaningful, like stuff grandparents used to make, because some grandparents are not able to be with us.

But I hate BBQ sandwiches. Is that the only main course you're doing? If I was traveling and heard there was one food option, which I didn't like, I'd be really disappointed and stop at a McDonalds after. And eating sides for a meal isn't that great, but I've done it before and left disappointed.

That's the same thing as saying I hate meat. Not everyone loves chicken or beef. I actually eat no meat and no meat products. Which basically explains why I didn't pick main dishes for the wedding dinner. We aren't putting sauce on anything, for those that hate bbq. We will not please everyone with a dinner no matter what.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

kae07 said:

esstee33 said:

Are you having sandwiches at your RD because of your FI's dietary issues or because your family is traveling and won't want a big meal, like you said in your OP?

Both, FI and I are traveling too and can't come in until that morning. Most family will not be there until that night, including parts of FI's family. It's going to be a lot more come and go, because of different travel plans, which is why I can't seem to find a reason to have a sit down dinner.

But everyone, or at least the majority of the people in your wedding party are going to have to all be at the same place at the same time for the rehearsal, right? And the RD follows the rehearsal, so I don't get it.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

kae07 said:

MadHops21 said:

kae07 said:

We aren't doing just sandwiches, we're planning to do BBQ sandwiches, we're going to do sides, like homemade family recipe sides. Things that are meaningful, like stuff grandparents used to make, because some grandparents are not able to be with us.

But I hate BBQ sandwiches. Is that the only main course you're doing? If I was traveling and heard there was one food option, which I didn't like, I'd be really disappointed and stop at a McDonalds after. And eating sides for a meal isn't that great, but I've done it before and left disappointed.

That's the same thing as saying I hate meat. Not everyone loves chicken or beef. I actually eat no meat and no meat products. Which basically explains why I didn't pick main dishes for the wedding dinner. We aren't putting sauce on anything, for those that hate bbq. We will not please everyone with a dinner no matter what.

Of course not, but when you are hosting a dinner you usually try to have a variety of main courses and sides that most people would reasonably enjoy.

For instance, DH's parents hosted our RD at an Italian restaurant and his Mom choose a variety of appetizers, soup and salad, and three different entrees- one chicken, one fish, and one pasta, that guests could choose from. That allowed guests who didn't like fish to have 2 other possible options for their main course.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

This whole time I've just been sitting here like, damn, if I traveled far, I wouldn't want sandwiches at all. I would be totally stoked on eating something warm and a bit more...formal? That's not the right word, but it's all I've got.

OP - if you already have this set, which it sounds like you do, then just have a discussion with your FILs explaining that you truly appreciate them wanting to help, but you have already put down deposits and are happy with the plans that are currently in motion. Just make sure you show that you are grateful for them wanting to contribute, but that it simply isn't necessary. If they don't like it, there is nothing you can do, but at least you have handled it properly and been respectable and courteous.

novella1186 · February 2015

OP... I don't want to pick on you but I'm in the same boat with the ladies who said they'd be really unhappy with sandwiches/BBQ. I hate sandwiches, and because of my own weird stomach issues, I can't eat BBQ. If that's all that was being served after I'd traveled to get there, I'd be pretty bummed out, and I probably wouldn't stick around because I would need to go find something that I was able to eat.

Maybe your FMIL has been causing a fuss about the rehearsal dinner because she sees the same problems with it that we see, and she's trying to steer you in the right direction. Maybe she's not going about it the right way, maybe she's being a pain in the ass, whatever. But if I were her and I knew this was the plan, I'd also be pretty unhappy with it. Especially if I were traditional (which it sounds like she is) and was worried that guests expect me to host since I'm the MOG, and I got blamed for hosting something that wasn't very well-planned.

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