MIL Issues

kae07 · February 2015

novella1186 said:

OP... I don't want to pick on you but I'm in the same boat with the ladies who said they'd be really unhappy with sandwiches/BBQ. I hate sandwiches, and because of my own weird stomach issues, I can't eat BBQ. If that's all that was being served after I'd traveled to get there, I'd be pretty bummed out, and I probably wouldn't stick around because I would need to go find something that I was able to eat.

Maybe your FMIL has been causing a fuss about the rehearsal dinner because she sees the same problems with it that we see, and she's trying to steer you in the right direction. Maybe she's not going about it the right way, maybe she's being a pain in the ass, whatever. But if I were her and I knew this was the plan, I'd also be pretty unhappy with it. Especially if I were traditional (which it sounds like she is) and was worried that guests expect me to host since I'm the MOG, and I got blamed for hosting something that wasn't very well-planned.

And I would totally get that, except that we have BBQ EVERY time we go to a family event on his side. Family reunions, family gatherings in general. Sometimes just for dinner when we're visiting for a weekend. It's a pretty typical meal, and I know people like it.

mikenberger · February 2015

This entire thread:

arrrghmatey · February 2015

So….I forgot what the issue is here….

OP, what is the *real* problem you are having? Like @mikenberger's .gif states, this thread seems to be going round-and-round-and-round….Every time someone offers you advice/solutions, you seem to argue the problem further.

MadHops21 · February 2015

From what it sounds like, OP is frustrated because FIL's are like "Oh, we can help pay! What do you need?" and OP and FI were all like "Oh, we don't know yet, it's too early in the process to know for sure." Then they booked this, and FMIL is all "Wait, I didn't know you were doing this, I want to help pay but I want to help with the menu and such." and OP is all "No, we put down deposits and chose everything already, but you can help pay for the food we chose." and FMIL is all "Noooo, I wanted to help choose."

That's my take so far on it.

arrrghmatey · February 2015

Right, and I thought all of those issues were addressed, so why is OP still----

BUNNY!!!!

kae07 · February 2015

Okay, so, FI and I started planning. When we started planning we didn't know costs of anything. FMIL kept asking what she could help with, and we kept saying we have noooooooooooooo idea. Which is a fact, and we asked if she wanted to pay for anything, she said no. Later on in planning, when she asked again (she asked a lot...), we said we could use help with the WEDDING dinner, and that we wanted her to join us for tastings with various catering places. She did, she helped pick the WEDDING DINNER menu.

FI and I started to plan other aspects of things, knowing that we had things we were going to pay for and things that my family were planning to pay for, etc. So, we started to plan the RD because, well, we didn't ask for any help with that. About a month or so later, it was like we should have read all minds knowing who wanted to pay for what. And the fact that we had started our RD was a big problem. There was NO mention of wanting to help with that previously, even though we asked every single time she asked what we needed help with. I'm having a hard time knowing how to handle it without hurting feelings.

Edit: I'm having a hard time handling that I've started planning the RD and all of a sudden it isn't okay, and that helping with the menu we did ask her to help with is now not okay...

flantastic · February 2015

This is my take on the thread:

Issues addressed. Then,

OP: "What we're doing is okay, here's detail on why."

Others: "I mean, technically it's okay, but it's not ideal. Why would you do it that way when a much simpler/better solution exists and is easily done?"

OP: "Because we'd rather do it this way."

Others: "Well, here's another idea or reason why maybe do it the better way?"

OP: "What we're doing is okay, here's more detail on why."

arrrghmatey · February 2015

kae07 said:

Okay, so, FI and I started planning. When we started planning we didn't know costs of anything. FMIL kept asking what she could help with, and we kept saying we have noooooooooooooo idea. Which is a fact, and we asked if she wanted to pay for anything, she said no. Later on in planning, when she asked again (she asked a lot...), we said we could use help with the WEDDING dinner, and that we wanted her to join us for tastings with various catering places. She did, she helped pick the WEDDING DINNER menu.

FI and I started to plan other aspects of things, knowing that we had things we were going to pay for and things that my family were planning to pay for, etc. So, we started to plan the RD because, well, we didn't ask for any help with that. About a month or so later, it was like we should have read all minds knowing who wanted to pay for what. And the fact that we had started our RD was a big problem. There was NO mention of wanting to help with that previously, even though we asked every single time she asked what we needed help with. I'm having a hard time knowing how to handle it without hurting feelings.

Edit: I'm having a hard time handling that I've started planning the RD and all of a sudden it isn't okay, and that helping with the menu we did ask her to help with is now not okay...

So your FMIL offered to help pay for the wedding dinner. She went with you to the tastings and picked the dinner. You and FI are paying for the RD. Is this right?

"FMIL, we very much appreciate your offer to help us pay for our wedding. If you'd still like to contribute to the reception dinner, we will be very gracious for whatever you are able to contribute. FI and I are taking care of the rehearsal dinner and have all the planning for it done."

slothiegal · February 2015

Thanks for the summary, @flantastic!

(IMO, there is really no issue in wedding planning that is so complex that there should be FOUR PAGES of excuses/reasons why any and all suggestions given won't work. I'm moseying on now.)

kae07 · February 2015

I do see the point of sandwiches being 'looked down upon' if you will. I guess the biggest issue is being raised in a really untraditional family. RD's weren't a huge deal for us, we're there for the people not the food. I don't know, at the point I'm just so frustrated about a lot of wedding related things that I can't get any points across. *sigh* I'll figure something out that will hopefully help. I'll use some suggestions given.

JellyBean52513 · February 2015

OP, you're really patient. I can't believe you've even stuck around for 4 pages explaining yourself. I believe your ILs offered financial help with the hope that you'd say "Well, since you're offering, would you mind hosting the RD?" This is probably all they've wanted from the beginning. Either give it to them or don't.

ETA if this RD is happening a meal time, just serve enough food, whether it's a sit-down dinner at a restaurant or BBQ. You don't have to cater to every palate or set of preferences. Plenty of people will tell you BBQ sandwiches won't be good enough, while others will tell you that what you'd like to serve is perfectly fine. Just make sure there's enough food.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

kae07 said:

Edit: I'm having a hard time handling that I've started planning the RD and all of a sudden it isn't okay, and that helping with the menu we did ask her to help with is now not okay...

Again, your FI needs to talk to his parents. But I agree with PPs that it sounds like his parents don't think your RD menu is sufficient and are trying to remedy that situation by offering to pay and host. Plus, since you said they are traditional I suspect they wanted to host the RD anyways.

If you FI insists on dying on this hill, please consider serving another main dish or two in addition to the BBQ sandwiches. I don't care that you have BBQ all the time at family events. . .his family may be sick of BBQ and if you have friends in your WP they might appreciate more of a variety.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

kae07 said:
I do see the point of sandwiches being 'looked down upon' if you will. I guess the biggest issue is being raised in a really untraditional family. RD's weren't a huge deal for us, we're there for the people not the food. I don't know, at the point I'm just so frustrated about a lot of wedding related things that I can't get any points across. *sigh* I'll figure something out that will hopefully help. I'll use some suggestions given.

You're missing the point. I don't think any of us are insinuating that your RD plans aren't hoighty toity enough. I was concerned your plans weren't sufficient enough bc you made it seem like you were just serving cold sandwiches.

BBQ dinner and sides is fine, but I still think you should consider another main dish or two just in case.

I don't think any of us value a meal over our friends and family, but we do want to have full bellies, especially after a day of traveling to an OOT wedding and then having to do a rehearsal. Again, your plan seems fine, but if my ILs really wanted to host the RD I wouldn't make the RD my hill to die on.

Your FI needs to figure this out, since these are his parents.

lovegood90 · February 2015

Oh god. I've read this thread both inebriated and sober and still not getting why it's 4 pages long.

ashley8918 · February 2015

Well, that was disappointing. I saw a 4 page thread and expected some major dramatics. Instead, I just got a dog chasing it's tail.

lyndausvi · February 2015

I think it's funny to consider a sit-down RD as formal.

I'm sitting down with a nice plate of hot food watching TBBT while knotting. I hardly call that formal.

Sure there are some formal restaurants, but there are causal sit-down options also.

Our own RD was catered by a local Italian deli. We had pans of chicken parm, pasta, sausage and peppers, hot RB, meatballs and a few other things at the rental house. Everything was hot (except the salad and rolls). It was serve yourself and people sat down to eat. But it was hardly formal.

ETA - I feel like your menu is fine. I'm assuming you know your WP and their food preferences.

mikenberger · February 2015

ashley8918 said:
Well, that was disappointing. I saw a 4 page thread and expected some major dramatics. Instead, I just got a dog chasing it's tail.

It was a kitten.

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