Wedding Etiquette Forum

Courthouse wedding Etiquette

2

Re: Courthouse wedding Etiquette

  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think the whole "no wedding, no gift" thing bothers me because it implies he doesn't consider this a "real" wedding.

    Now, if he means, "Not invited to the wedding = no gift", then that's more understandable.
  • Its rude regardless only because she keeps repeatedly sending the link.

    My family only has courthouse weddings and the way gifts were handled depended if there was a party after.

    No party: 1/2 family gives no gifts the other 1/2 (which I think is appropriate) gives small gifts . Examples flowers, taking pictures of courthouse ceremony and putting it in a album etc. $40 max spent. (You can put $25-40 on honeymoon registry -40 a couple)

    If theres a house party:
    A plate,maybe traditional wedding cake, spa gift certificate. (You can put $40-100 on registry per couple) still bring a dish.

    If in a restaurant or simular facility:
    Still give almost same amount as regular wedding as the most expensive part of any weddinig is the party. ($100 a person-$200 a couple...maybe $80-$175)

    If you are not invited to courthouse wedding a $10-$14 bottle of wine and congradulations card is suffient. I wouldn't bother with honeymoon registry if 1. You cannot witness it and 2. She keeps asking.
    I know my family has had up to 25 people at courthouse wedding so if you are close you should be invited there.


    This generally how my family&friends deal with courthouse weddings granted this isnt a "must" guide just lose ideas.



  • It is however I think acceptable if she shared the link only once
  • I would also have a talk with her about how inappropriate it is to repeatedly ask
  • I do agree w/everyone also depends how close you are to her an that no matter what kid of wedding its a wedding.
  • Never read i you were invited to courthouse wedding I think thats also a big indicator if to get a gift.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Its rude regardless only because she keeps repeatedly sending the link. My family only has courthouse weddings and the way gifts were handled depended if there was a party after. No party: 1/2 family gives no gifts the other 1/2 (which I think is appropriate) gives small gifts . Examples flowers, taking pictures of courthouse ceremony and putting it in a album etc. $40 max spent. (You can put $25-40 on honeymoon registry -40 a couple) If theres a house party: A plate,maybe traditional wedding cake, spa gift certificate. (You can put $40-100 on registry per couple) still bring a dish. If in a restaurant or simular facility: Still give almost same amount as regular wedding as the most expensive part of any weddinig is the party. ($100 a person-$200 a couple...maybe $80-$175) If you are not invited to courthouse wedding a $10-$14 bottle of wine and congradulations card is suffient. I wouldn't bother with honeymoon registry if 1. You cannot witness it and 2. She keeps asking. I know my family has had up to 25 people at courthouse wedding so if you are close you should be invited there. This generally how my family&friends deal with courthouse weddings granted this isnt a "must" guide just lose ideas.
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    It is however I think acceptable if she shared the link only once
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    fwtx5815esstee33penguin44peachy13
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It is however I think acceptable if she shared the link only once
    Nope.
    fwtx5815PrettyGirlLostMairePoppynovella1186
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It is however I think acceptable if she shared the link only once

    Wrong! The bride and groom should never share the link to their wedding registry. If people want to know where they're registered, they'll ask. They also shouldn't ask for money. Everyone already knows that money is a great wedding gift.

    OP, if you would like to give a gift, a bottle of wine, an etiquette book,  or monogrammed guest towels that they can't return for cash would be appropriate.There's no way I'd give this couple money. You also could also send a card or just ignore their requests.

                       
    fwtx5815novella1186
  • Its rude regardless only because she keeps repeatedly sending the link. My family only has courthouse weddings and the way gifts were handled depended if there was a party after. 

    No party: 1/2 family gives no gifts the other 1/2 (which I think is appropriate) gives small gifts. Examples flowers, taking pictures of courthouse ceremony and putting it in a album etc. $40 max spent. (You can put $25-40 on honeymoon registry -40 a couple) HM registries are against etiquette because they = panhandling for cash.

    If theres a house party: A plate,maybe traditional wedding cake, spa gift certificate. (You can put $40-100 on registry per couple) still bring a dish. Registering for cash is against etiquette. Potluck receptions are against etiquette.

    If in a restaurant or simular facility: Still give almost same amount as regular wedding as the most expensive part of any weddinig is the party. ($100 a person-$200 a couple...maybe $80-$175) 

    If you are not invited to courthouse wedding a $10-$14 bottle of wine and congradulations card is suffient. I wouldn't bother with honeymoon registry if 1. You cannot witness it and 2. She keeps asking. I know my family has had up to 25 people at courthouse wedding so if you are close you should be invited there. The B&G are not required to invite anyone to their courthouse wedding - close or not.

     This generally how my family&friends deal with courthouse weddings granted this isnt a "must" guide just lose ideas.
    A couple things:

    1) Honeymoon/Cash registries = asking for cash = against etiquette
    2) If anyone is invited to witness a ceremony (church, courthouse, outside, whatever) the B&G need to host something for those people. And no, potlucks are not hosting.

    It is however I think acceptable if she shared the link only once
    No. It's never appropriate to panhandle loved ones because someone wants a vacation. Period. Not once, not ever.
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    fwtx5815esstee33novella1186
  • @Abbynieves627‌ couple things.

    1. I know you said in an earlier post that you/your family haven't been to a lot of weddings. That's OK, but please understand that the experiences you have had likely DO NOT follow etiquette shouldn't be doled out as advice. Lurk/read here a bit more and you'll learn quickly.

    2. If you're replying to a specific post/poster, please use either the quote function or @ tag them.

    3. If your screen name is your full real name, please consider changing it. Internet privacy.
    levioosaPrettyGirlLostwrigleyvillenovella1186
  • Abbynieves627  that the amount spent on a gift should depend on the expense of the wedding. Whether invited or not, whether attending the wedding or not, no one is ever obligated to give a wedding gift. A gift is always voluntary and can always be chosen by the giver. That calculus on what to spend is personal. It depends on your budget, how close you are to the bride/groom, etc., but it does not depend on the per plate cost of how much the bride and groom spent on hosting the event. 

    Honeymoon registries or any other request for cash as a gift is always ultimately rude because it relies on the presumption that a gift is owed and is an attempt to dictate the gift itself. What the OP's friend is doing -- whether the OP is invited or not -- is rude, because she is asking for money. 

    So, OP, no, you do not have to give a gift, and you do not have to give to the honeymoon registry. If you want to give a gift, you certainly can, and it can be whatever you want.  
    SP29MairePoppyViczaesar
  • edited June 2015
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Abbynieves627  that the amount spent on a gift should depend on the expense of the wedding. Whether invited or not, whether attending the wedding or not, no one is ever obligated to give a wedding gift. A gift is always voluntary and can always be chosen by the giver. That calculus on what to spend is personal. It depends on your budget, how close you are to the bride/groom, etc., but it does not depend on the per plate cost of how much the bride and groom spent on hosting the event. 

    Honeymoon registries or any other request for cash as a gift is always ultimately rude because it relies on the presumption that a gift is owed and is an attempt to dictate the gift itself. What the OP's friend is doing -- whether the OP is invited or not -- is rude, because she is asking for money. 

    So, OP, no, you do not have to give a gift, and you do not have to give to the honeymoon registry. If you want to give a gift, you certainly can, and it can be whatever you want.  
    While technically true that a gift is never obligatory, Miss Manners points out that if one doesn't feel close enough to a couple to be moved to give them a wedding gift, one really ought to decline any invitation to witness their wedding.


  • @LtPowers- I think most people would agree with that sentiment, at least on a personal level (if you like someone enough to attend their wedding, you probably like them enough to bring a gift), even if it's not an etiquette rule. The point is though, that as gifts are not required, there is no rule on how much one is required to spend (none of this "pay for your plate"), and the B&G can definitely not tell guests how much to spend or what to get. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LtPowers said:
    Abbynieves627  that the amount spent on a gift should depend on the expense of the wedding. Whether invited or not, whether attending the wedding or not, no one is ever obligated to give a wedding gift. A gift is always voluntary and can always be chosen by the giver. That calculus on what to spend is personal. It depends on your budget, how close you are to the bride/groom, etc., but it does not depend on the per plate cost of how much the bride and groom spent on hosting the event. 

    Honeymoon registries or any other request for cash as a gift is always ultimately rude because it relies on the presumption that a gift is owed and is an attempt to dictate the gift itself. What the OP's friend is doing -- whether the OP is invited or not -- is rude, because she is asking for money. 

    So, OP, no, you do not have to give a gift, and you do not have to give to the honeymoon registry. If you want to give a gift, you certainly can, and it can be whatever you want.  
    While technically true that a gift is never obligatory, Miss Manners points out that if one doesn't feel close enough to a couple to be moved to give them a wedding gift, one really ought to decline any invitation to witness their wedding.
    Gifts are not the way I show my love to people. Not at all. I know many people do, but I cannot understand equating "I love you a lot" with "Let me give you a gift." I generally get wedding gifts because I know that the couple can use these things and that's the norm, but I would be insulted if someone implied that the general convention for demonstrating closeness was giving them a gift on the occasion of their wedding, birthday, etc.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    LtPowers said:
    Abbynieves627  that the amount spent on a gift should depend on the expense of the wedding. Whether invited or not, whether attending the wedding or not, no one is ever obligated to give a wedding gift. A gift is always voluntary and can always be chosen by the giver. That calculus on what to spend is personal. It depends on your budget, how close you are to the bride/groom, etc., but it does not depend on the per plate cost of how much the bride and groom spent on hosting the event. 

    Honeymoon registries or any other request for cash as a gift is always ultimately rude because it relies on the presumption that a gift is owed and is an attempt to dictate the gift itself. What the OP's friend is doing -- whether the OP is invited or not -- is rude, because she is asking for money. 

    So, OP, no, you do not have to give a gift, and you do not have to give to the honeymoon registry. If you want to give a gift, you certainly can, and it can be whatever you want.  
    While technically true that a gift is never obligatory, Miss Manners points out that if one doesn't feel close enough to a couple to be moved to give them a wedding gift, one really ought to decline any invitation to witness their wedding.


    So grandma who lives on a fixed income shouldn't go to her granddaughter's wedding because she can't afford a gift.. 

    image
    levioosaplainjane0415charcoalandblush
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    So grandma who lives on a fixed income shouldn't go to her granddaughter's wedding because she can't afford a gift.. 


    Of course financial hardship is financial hardship, but there are plenty of gifting options that don't cost much of anything. Grandmothers tend to be the most creative on that front anyway.


  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What the actual fuck?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:
    What the actual fuck?
    My thoughts exactly. The responses appear to have no connection whatsoever to what I wrote.


  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    LtPowers said:
    So grandma who lives on a fixed income shouldn't go to her granddaughter's wedding because she can't afford a gift.. 


    Of course financial hardship is financial hardship, but there are plenty of gifting options that don't cost much of anything. Grandmothers tend to be the most creative on that front anyway.


    That's still a really shitty attitude to have. Our cash gifts ranged from $25 to $400 (and yes, some $0); I didn't assume that anyone loved us more than anyone else, just that they have different incomes and priorities. 
    Grandma can just return that nice new hip she got. That'll pay for a nice wedding gift.
    theartistformerlyknownaslevioosa
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Look, here's a quotation from Miss Manners: "If you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding."

    Please note that it says nothing about being unable to afford a present, which is obviously a special case. If Grandma is so utterly destitute that any conceivable wedding present is a burden, surely her family must be aware of this and would want her at the wedding regardless. They know Grandma would give a gift if she could. Grandma meets the criterion.

    But the advice isn't aimed at destitute Grandmas; it's aimed at a broader audience that attends weddings but doesn't always feel like spending money on a gift.


    AroundTheBlock
  • edited June 2015
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2015
    LtPowers said:
    Look, here's a quotation from Miss Manners: "If you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding."

    Please note that it says nothing about being unable to afford a present, which is obviously a special case. If Grandma is so utterly destitute that any conceivable wedding present is a burden, surely her family must be aware of this and would want her at the wedding regardless. They know Grandma would give a gift if she could. Grandma meets the criterion.

    But the advice isn't aimed at destitute Grandmas; it's aimed at a broader audience that attends weddings but doesn't always feel like spending money on a gift.

    My response had to do with the fact that I am moved to contribute to that person's happiness, and that physical gifts are not the primary way I go about that in my normal life, and there should be no special etiquette for weddings such that they require a gift like that as a demonstration of how moved I am. etf box
    huskypuppy14
  • LtPowers said:
    Look, here's a quotation from Miss Manners: "If you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding."

    Please note that it says nothing about being unable to afford a present, which is obviously a special case. If Grandma is so utterly destitute that any conceivable wedding present is a burden, surely her family must be aware of this and would want her at the wedding regardless. They know Grandma would give a gift if she could. Grandma meets the criterion.

    But the advice isn't aimed at destitute Grandmas; it's aimed at a broader audience that attends weddings but doesn't always feel like spending money on a gift.


    And sometimes Miss Manners is wrong, or doesn't represent the full breadth of possibilities. Obviously anyone with the opinion of "I hate that bitch, I am NOT getting her a gift" should probably decline the wedding, but that's a pretty damn small subset of people. This particular piece of advice should not be trotted out as the be-all end-all standard on wedding gifting.
    huskypuppy14
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