Catholic Wedding?

alhaley88 · February 2015

Thanks ladies. I think I know all I need to know

mikenberger · February 2015

alhaley88 said:

Okay, while everyones input is appreciated, flyby ceremony is not meant to be offensive and it was my word choice because it would be the most simplest form of a ceremony in a church that can be. I don't know how else to put it simply. BUT I don't appreciate the snide remarks about not discussing religion because we are not religious. We don't go to church. We aren't devout to religion. We have a relationship with Him that doesn't involve church which is why I'm so torn on doing things the Catholic way. And our church ceremony would be in a small room, not a big ceremony. and it would be at like 7am before we even start getting ready.

If you're not religious and don't go to church, why are you getting married in a Catholic church? That seems to be slightly counterintuitive. Because if you're getting married in a Catholic church prior to your ceremony, that's your wedding. And you're going to have to state as part of the ceremony that you'll raise any children within the marriage as Catholic. I have a very vague understanding of the Catholic church as my father was Catholic and my mother was not, but they opted to marry outside of the Catholic church as my Dad was not particularly religious and my Mom was another denomination and my Mom refused to raise future children as Catholic. Royally pissed off my Father's German Catholic parents, but y'know. Gotta do what's right for you and your family (You and your FI and if you're having future children).

I wouldn't see any reason to continue with the Catholic teachings etc if you're not getting married in the church. Seems like you'd be making a mockery of it and wasting the time of the educators.

alhaley88 · February 2015

mikenberger said:

alhaley88 said:

Okay, while everyones input is appreciated, flyby ceremony is not meant to be offensive and it was my word choice because it would be the most simplest form of a ceremony in a church that can be. I don't know how else to put it simply. BUT I don't appreciate the snide remarks about not discussing religion because we are not religious. We don't go to church. We aren't devout to religion. We have a relationship with Him that doesn't involve church which is why I'm so torn on doing things the Catholic way. And our church ceremony would be in a small room, not a big ceremony. and it would be at like 7am before we even start getting ready.

If you're not religious and don't go to church, why are you getting married in a Catholic church? That seems to be slightly counterintuitive. Because if you're getting married in a Catholic church prior to your ceremony, that's your wedding. And you're going to have to state as part of the ceremony that you'll raise any children within the marriage as Catholic. I have a very vague understanding of the Catholic church as my father was Catholic and my mother was not, but they opted to marry outside of the Catholic church as my Dad was not particularly religious and my Mom was another denomination and my Mom refused to raise future children as Catholic. Royally pissed off my Father's German Catholic parents, but y'know. Gotta do what's right for you and your family (You and your FI and if you're having future children).

I wouldn't see any reason to continue with the Catholic teachings etc if you're not getting married in the church. Seems like you'd be making a mockery of it and wasting the time of the educators.

This is exactly what bothers me. I honestly wish FH would have talked to his priest/relative before we booked our venue and everything. At least that way I would know what I was agreeing to do. I feel blindsided by everything.

mikenberger · February 2015

alhaley88 said:

alhaley88 said:

Okay, while everyones input is appreciated, flyby ceremony is not meant to be offensive and it was my word choice because it would be the most simplest form of a ceremony in a church that can be. I don't know how else to put it simply. BUT I don't appreciate the snide remarks about not discussing religion because we are not religious. We don't go to church. We aren't devout to religion. We have a relationship with Him that doesn't involve church which is why I'm so torn on doing things the Catholic way. And our church ceremony would be in a small room, not a big ceremony. and it would be at like 7am before we even start getting ready.

If you're not religious and don't go to church, why are you getting married in a Catholic church? That seems to be slightly counterintuitive. Because if you're getting married in a Catholic church prior to your ceremony, that's your wedding. And you're going to have to state as part of the ceremony that you'll raise any children within the marriage as Catholic. I have a very vague understanding of the Catholic church as my father was Catholic and my mother was not, but they opted to marry outside of the Catholic church as my Dad was not particularly religious and my Mom was another denomination and my Mom refused to raise future children as Catholic. Royally pissed off my Father's German Catholic parents, but y'know. Gotta do what's right for you and your family (You and your FI and if you're having future children).

I wouldn't see any reason to continue with the Catholic teachings etc if you're not getting married in the church. Seems like you'd be making a mockery of it and wasting the time of the educators.
This is exactly what bothers me. I honestly wish FH would have talked to his priest/relative before we booked our venue and everything. At least that way I would know what I was agreeing to do. I feel blindsided by everything.

So you were operating under the impression that you could do the Catholic teachings and stuff but NOT have a Catholic wedding?

Okay... a little um, rose colored glasses, but I could see how if you're not familiar with religions, maybe how you could overlook that? But I would think that the Priest would make that clear or your FI or his family. How odd.

Looks like you need to have a very firm conversation with your FI.

alhaley88 · February 2015

Yeah its looking that way. I appreciate everyone's constructive advice and input on this.

mikenberger · February 2015

alhaley88 said:

Yeah its looking that way. I appreciate everyone's constructive advice and input on this.

Good luck

holyguacamole79 · February 2015

mikenberger said:

Looks like you need to have a very firm conversation with your FI.

QFT.

Look, OP. Call it flyby, call it "the other wedding". Here's why I don't think it's right (and I'm disappopinted in the priest who suggested this). Your wedding should be attended by those who love you and support you and will pray for you during your marriage. I had a few people from our parish show up to our wedding Mass and it meant SO much to me that they were there to pray for us and spirtually support me and my husband. Your Catholic wedding shouldn't be something you do just so your FH can receive the Eucharist later if that's what he decides. It should be something that you both celebrate with your friends and family.

ETA: YOu and your FI need to get on the same page here about what role faith will have in your wedding and your marriage.

flantastic · February 2015

alhaley88 said:

alhaley88 said:

Okay, while everyones input is appreciated, flyby ceremony is not meant to be offensive and it was my word choice because it would be the most simplest form of a ceremony in a church that can be. I don't know how else to put it simply. BUT I don't appreciate the snide remarks about not discussing religion because we are not religious. We don't go to church. We aren't devout to religion. We have a relationship with Him that doesn't involve church which is why I'm so torn on doing things the Catholic way. And our church ceremony would be in a small room, not a big ceremony. and it would be at like 7am before we even start getting ready.

If you're not religious and don't go to church, why are you getting married in a Catholic church? That seems to be slightly counterintuitive. Because if you're getting married in a Catholic church prior to your ceremony, that's your wedding. And you're going to have to state as part of the ceremony that you'll raise any children within the marriage as Catholic. I have a very vague understanding of the Catholic church as my father was Catholic and my mother was not, but they opted to marry outside of the Catholic church as my Dad was not particularly religious and my Mom was another denomination and my Mom refused to raise future children as Catholic. Royally pissed off my Father's German Catholic parents, but y'know. Gotta do what's right for you and your family (You and your FI and if you're having future children).

I wouldn't see any reason to continue with the Catholic teachings etc if you're not getting married in the church. Seems like you'd be making a mockery of it and wasting the time of the educators.
This is exactly what bothers me. I honestly wish FH would have talked to his priest/relative before we booked our venue and everything. At least that way I would know what I was agreeing to do. I feel blindsided by everything.

This is why I said that you should talk to your FI ASAP about why this is important to him, and let him know if you're not willing to agree to raise your kids Catholic.

This is a conversation about the role religion will play in your family, not about "how to make things valid." I'm sorry the two of you haven't gotten around to discussing this very important topic before now.

simcal18 · February 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

mikenberger said:

Looks like you need to have a very firm conversation with your FI.

QFT.

Look, OP. Call it flyby, call it "the other wedding". Here's why I don't think it's right (and I'm disappopinted in the priest who suggested this). Your wedding should be attended by those who love you and support you and will pray for you during your marriage. I had a few people from our parish show up to our wedding Mass and it meant SO much to me that they were there to pray for us and spirtually support me and my husband. Your Catholic wedding shouldn't be something you do just so your FH can receive the Eucharist later if that's what he decides. It should be something that you both celebrate with your friends and family.

ETA: YOu and your FI need to get on the same page here about what role faith will have in your wedding and your marriage.

I see where you're coming from here, HolyGuacamole, but just a note here to defend the idea of a separate Catholic ceremony, which as I've said before I'm doing, and then I think we'll have to agree to disagree. My FI is Jewish. As I'm sure you're aware, Jews have been persecuted for their religion throughout history, and while my FI is not religious, religion can be a bit of a touchy subject for him. He was not comfortable with the idea of being the center of attention in in a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church in front of 200 of our family and friends--many of whom incidentally are also not Catholic. More importantly, we wanted our wedding to be something that reflected BOTH of our faith traditions--not just mine. So our legal wedding, in front of all of our family and friends, will not be a Catholic ceremony. However, it will indeed be attended by those who love and support us, and many of those guests will in fact pray for us during our marriage--whether the God they are praying to is Jewish, Catholic, or otherwise.

However, it was important to me that our marriage be valid within the Catholic church. And my FI is supportive of that. So after our wedding, we are having a Catholic ceremony to validate our marriage within the Church. That ceremony will be attended by our immediate family as well as my Godparents, so we will indeed be celebrating it with our friends and family. Is this solution for everyone? No. But it's a solution that has worked for us as well as several other interfaith couples that we know within our social circle, including my future SIL and BIL. It's not an invalid choice.

photokitty · February 2015

bostonbride2015 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

mikenberger said:

Looks like you need to have a very firm conversation with your FI.

QFT.

Look, OP. Call it flyby, call it "the other wedding". Here's why I don't think it's right (and I'm disappopinted in the priest who suggested this). Your wedding should be attended by those who love you and support you and will pray for you during your marriage. I had a few people from our parish show up to our wedding Mass and it meant SO much to me that they were there to pray for us and spirtually support me and my husband. Your Catholic wedding shouldn't be something you do just so your FH can receive the Eucharist later if that's what he decides. It should be something that you both celebrate with your friends and family.

ETA: YOu and your FI need to get on the same page here about what role faith will have in your wedding and your marriage.

I see where you're coming from here, HolyGuacamole, but just a note here to defend the idea of a separate Catholic ceremony, which as I've said before I'm doing, and then I think we'll have to agree to disagree. My FI is Jewish. As I'm sure you're aware, Jews have been persecuted for their religion throughout history, and while my FI is not religious, religion can be a bit of a touchy subject for him. He was not comfortable with the idea of being the center of attention in in a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church in front of 200 of our family and friends--many of whom incidentally are also not Catholic. More importantly, we wanted our wedding to be something that reflected BOTH of our faith traditions--not just mine. So our legal wedding, in front of all of our family and friends, will not be a Catholic ceremony. However, it will indeed be attended by those who love and support us, and many of those guests will in fact pray for us during our marriage--whether the God they are praying to is Jewish, Catholic, or otherwise.

However, it was important to me that our marriage be valid within the Catholic church. And my FI is supportive of that. So after our wedding, we are having a Catholic ceremony to validate our marriage within the Church. That ceremony will be attended by our immediate family as well as my Godparents, so we will indeed be celebrating it with our friends and family. Is this solution for everyone? No. But it's a solution that has worked for us as well as several other interfaith couples that we know within our social circle, including my future SIL and BIL. It's not an invalid choice.

You're not having a Catholic wedding ceremony, you are receiving a convalidation.

OP, have your FI talk to his priest about whether he can receive a dispensation for a convalidation. It is a not a flyby or a full ceremony, but rather a ritual that solemnizes the marriage and makes it recognized and valid int he Catholic church's eyes. It also means your FI is in good standing.

Some parishes and dioceses are more liberal with granting convalidtions, others are not. It is not meant to be a reenactment or a second wedding ceremony, you don't wear a wedding gown and aren't escorted down the aisle. It is in layman's terms a blessing that puts you back in good standing.

alhaley88 · February 2015

Okay I'll ask him to call his priest. Thanks again

simcal18 · February 2015

photokitty said:

bostonbride2015 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

mikenberger said:

Looks like you need to have a very firm conversation with your FI.

QFT.

Look, OP. Call it flyby, call it "the other wedding". Here's why I don't think it's right (and I'm disappopinted in the priest who suggested this). Your wedding should be attended by those who love you and support you and will pray for you during your marriage. I had a few people from our parish show up to our wedding Mass and it meant SO much to me that they were there to pray for us and spirtually support me and my husband. Your Catholic wedding shouldn't be something you do just so your FH can receive the Eucharist later if that's what he decides. It should be something that you both celebrate with your friends and family.

ETA: YOu and your FI need to get on the same page here about what role faith will have in your wedding and your marriage.

I see where you're coming from here, HolyGuacamole, but just a note here to defend the idea of a separate Catholic ceremony, which as I've said before I'm doing, and then I think we'll have to agree to disagree. My FI is Jewish. As I'm sure you're aware, Jews have been persecuted for their religion throughout history, and while my FI is not religious, religion can be a bit of a touchy subject for him. He was not comfortable with the idea of being the center of attention in in a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church in front of 200 of our family and friends--many of whom incidentally are also not Catholic. More importantly, we wanted our wedding to be something that reflected BOTH of our faith traditions--not just mine. So our legal wedding, in front of all of our family and friends, will not be a Catholic ceremony. However, it will indeed be attended by those who love and support us, and many of those guests will in fact pray for us during our marriage--whether the God they are praying to is Jewish, Catholic, or otherwise.

However, it was important to me that our marriage be valid within the Catholic church. And my FI is supportive of that. So after our wedding, we are having a Catholic ceremony to validate our marriage within the Church. That ceremony will be attended by our immediate family as well as my Godparents, so we will indeed be celebrating it with our friends and family. Is this solution for everyone? No. But it's a solution that has worked for us as well as several other interfaith couples that we know within our social circle, including my future SIL and BIL. It's not an invalid choice.

You're not having a Catholic wedding ceremony, you are receiving a convalidation.

OP, have your FI talk to his priest about whether he can receive a dispensation for a convalidation. It is a not a flyby or a full ceremony, but rather a ritual that solemnizes the marriage and makes it recognized and valid int he Catholic church's eyes. It also means your FI is in good standing.

Some parishes and dioceses are more liberal with granting convalidtions, others are not. It is not meant to be a reenactment or a second wedding ceremony, you don't wear a wedding gown and aren't escorted down the aisle. It is in layman's terms a blessing that puts you back in good standing.

I never said I was having a Catholic wedding ceremony (I'm not--our wedding will be the legal civil ceremony our friends and family are attending the day before). I said we were having a Catholic ceremony to validate our marriage within the Church. I'm familiar with the concept of convalidation, and I suppose our ceremony may technically be a convalidation under Canon law. However, not even our priest uses that term to describe it, and in reality the differences between a convalidation ceremony and a Catholic wedding celebrated outside mass are minimal. I didn't use the term convalidation in my posts to OP because I didn't want to confuse things for her even further given her apparent unfamiliarity with Catholic weddings.

photokitty · February 2015

bostonbride2015 said:

photokitty said:

bostonbride2015 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

mikenberger said:

Looks like you need to have a very firm conversation with your FI.

QFT.

Look, OP. Call it flyby, call it "the other wedding". Here's why I don't think it's right (and I'm disappopinted in the priest who suggested this). Your wedding should be attended by those who love you and support you and will pray for you during your marriage. I had a few people from our parish show up to our wedding Mass and it meant SO much to me that they were there to pray for us and spirtually support me and my husband. Your Catholic wedding shouldn't be something you do just so your FH can receive the Eucharist later if that's what he decides. It should be something that you both celebrate with your friends and family.

ETA: YOu and your FI need to get on the same page here about what role faith will have in your wedding and your marriage.

I see where you're coming from here, HolyGuacamole, but just a note here to defend the idea of a separate Catholic ceremony, which as I've said before I'm doing, and then I think we'll have to agree to disagree. My FI is Jewish. As I'm sure you're aware, Jews have been persecuted for their religion throughout history, and while my FI is not religious, religion can be a bit of a touchy subject for him. He was not comfortable with the idea of being the center of attention in in a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church in front of 200 of our family and friends--many of whom incidentally are also not Catholic. More importantly, we wanted our wedding to be something that reflected BOTH of our faith traditions--not just mine. So our legal wedding, in front of all of our family and friends, will not be a Catholic ceremony. However, it will indeed be attended by those who love and support us, and many of those guests will in fact pray for us during our marriage--whether the God they are praying to is Jewish, Catholic, or otherwise.

However, it was important to me that our marriage be valid within the Catholic church. And my FI is supportive of that. So after our wedding, we are having a Catholic ceremony to validate our marriage within the Church. That ceremony will be attended by our immediate family as well as my Godparents, so we will indeed be celebrating it with our friends and family. Is this solution for everyone? No. But it's a solution that has worked for us as well as several other interfaith couples that we know within our social circle, including my future SIL and BIL. It's not an invalid choice.

You're not having a Catholic wedding ceremony, you are receiving a convalidation.

OP, have your FI talk to his priest about whether he can receive a dispensation for a convalidation. It is a not a flyby or a full ceremony, but rather a ritual that solemnizes the marriage and makes it recognized and valid int he Catholic church's eyes. It also means your FI is in good standing.

Some parishes and dioceses are more liberal with granting convalidtions, others are not. It is not meant to be a reenactment or a second wedding ceremony, you don't wear a wedding gown and aren't escorted down the aisle. It is in layman's terms a blessing that puts you back in good standing.

I never said I was having a Catholic wedding ceremony (I'm not--our wedding will be the legal civil ceremony our friends and family are attending the day before). I said we were having a Catholic ceremony to validate our marriage within the Church. I'm familiar with the concept of convalidation, and I suppose our ceremony may technically be a convalidation under Canon law. However, not even our priest uses that term to describe it, and in reality the differences between a convalidation ceremony and a Catholic wedding celebrated outside mass are minimal. I didn't use the term convalidation in my posts to OP because I didn't want to confuse things for her even further given her apparent unfamiliarity with Catholic weddings.

But proper word use will save you from arguments with the super strict Catholics and KIAs on here (or we can hope) and give the OP guidance on what specifically to ask the priest.

I know you didn't call it a wedding ceremony, but your post throughout the thread muddle the concept of what you are actually doing, I'm only trying to offer clarity.

holyguacamole79 · February 2015

@bostonbride2015, that makes total sense. I didn't get the impression from OP that her reasons for opposing a Catholic ceremony are similar. But I may be off.

MairePoppy · February 2015

flantastic said:

alhaley88 said:

The problem with having a church ceremony downtown is the cost. We already booked the venue for the ceremony/reception and we don't have any room in the budget for renting a church on a Sunday. I honestly don't think a full audience church ceremony is an option but I will look into it some more.

The sacraments themselves are supposed to be free to all who ask. Your priest may push back about what would be viewed as your own error in setting planning priorities, but if you say that you have decided that the blessing of the Church is important to you, but that you don't have any room in the budget at this point, you might get somewhere with getting the church for free.

IDK about that, flantastic. The sacraments are a free gift from God, but that doesn't mean the church will allow a big church wedding. I have a feeling the priest offered the private ceremony for free because she didn't want to pay the church's fees or because of the situation with her FMIL. She has a better chance of cancelling the ceremony fee with the hotel.

alhaley88, the bottom line is that if your Fi wants to continue to receive the sacraments (including communion and reconciliation), he must be married in the Catholic church.

Not sure what's going on with his mother, but if there's a physical reason that makes it difficult to transport her, she could look into renting a (for instance) wheelchair van, scooter, portable oxygen tank etc... As for your family, they are welcome to attend the Catholic wedding ceremony.

flantastic · February 2015

MairePoppy said:

flantastic said:

alhaley88 said:

The problem with having a church ceremony downtown is the cost. We already booked the venue for the ceremony/reception and we don't have any room in the budget for renting a church on a Sunday. I honestly don't think a full audience church ceremony is an option but I will look into it some more.

The sacraments themselves are supposed to be free to all who ask. Your priest may push back about what would be viewed as your own error in setting planning priorities, but if you say that you have decided that the blessing of the Church is important to you, but that you don't have any room in the budget at this point, you might get somewhere with getting the church for free.

IDK about that, flantastic. The sacraments are a free gift from God, but that doesn't mean the church will allow a big church wedding. I have a feeling the priest offered the private ceremony for free because she didn't want to pay the church's fees or because of the situation with her FMIL. She has a better chance of cancelling the ceremony fee with the hotel.
alhaley88, the bottom line is that if your Fi wants to continue to receive the sacraments (including communion and reconciliation), he must be married in the Catholic church.
Not sure what's going on with his mother, but if there's a physical reason that makes it difficult to transport her, she could look into renting a (for instance) wheelchair van, scooter, portable oxygen tank etc... As for your family, they are welcome to attend the Catholic wedding ceremony.

Yeah, I didn't say she would get somewhere, and I probably should have suggested trying to get the deposit back so they can offer something to the church. But hopefully the priest would be sympathetic if she told them that a) they wanted their one ceremony to be the Catholic one and have their guests present and b) they weren't able to get back the deposit for the ceremony venue they'd already paid, so they had no budget to make an offering to the parish, even though they know and appreciate that there are facilities costs and whatnot.

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