wedding breakdown vent *NEW update in comments

JaniV123 · February 2015

so FI and I had a breakdown today. Many things involved but wedding related he feels its ridiculous to spend so much money on one day etc. We cut down the guest list a bit with a lot of heartache. We are overwhelmed with the decoration. We had a family friend we were going to hire to do the flowers and decor and I thought she would do what we wanted, as she is a coordinator as well. Well, she said what we wanted would look cheap and not formal enough for the reception etc and that she wouldnt do a crappy job, she would do things right. Well, we are awaiting the quote for the flowers and decor but I have been crying since we met with her because I know it will be an exorbitant amount of money we dont have or want to spend on decor, Id rather spent more money on the DJ as we want everyone to have awesome food and have a good time. Least thing I care about is decor

Thanks for reading I have no one else other than fi to talk about this as I dont like to talk of these wedding/money problems with anyone else

AddieCake · February 2015

Awww, I'm so sorry. If she comes back with something you can't afford, tell her so.

blabla89 · February 2015

Deep breath, it will be okay. Be firm with the friend doing the flowers. Say "our budget is x and we need this number of arrangements. I'm sure you will be able to do something lovely."

bethsmiles · February 2015

AddieCake said:

Awww, I'm so sorry. If she comes back with something you can't afford, tell her so.

This! You don't have to use her services if she isn't willing to stick with your budget. Don't feel like you need to spend extra money on something that isn't a priority to you.

AprilH81 · February 2015

Don't let ANYONE pressure you into spending more than you can afford, especially on something that doesn't affect guest comfort.

I will say that sometimes it is better to do nothing than "a little" because sometimes sparse decorations/flowers do look cheap. For example, most people may not even notice the lack of centerpieces, but if you just put one tea light in the middle of a table they will notice that there is only one small candle where a centerpiece would be. Understand what I'm saying?

If your venue allows candles you can get candle sticks and taper candles at the Dollar Store and have simple and pretty decorations for your table for about $3/table (the taper candles are in a box 2 for $1). They also sell simple vases for $1 so you can do a few flowers in a vase with candles and it will look really pretty for not a lot of money.

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

No one remembers the flowers, good or bad. People remember the food, and good or bad entertainment. Your priorities are right, so don't worry what anyone else thinks.

Chipmunk415 · February 2015

ditto huskypuppy

However, if floral is a concern of yours, i highly recommend Costco floral, esp if you are willing to go for monochromatic. I got all my flowers,(off white roses) done and ready to shove in a vase with water, for less than $1000.

Feel free to PM me for photos of my flowers. This is not something you should have to stress about.

jacques27 · February 2015

Be firm. If she's not willing to stay in your budget, then find an alternative.

Do you have any farmers markets near you? It's a little early for that where I am, but by about mid-May they start up in full swing here. Usually the flower vendors are the first to appear here and they sell huge bouquets (way bigger and brighter than any grocery store bouquet) for $5/bouquet. Even if they aren't that cheap where you are, make friends with your farmers market vendors, strike up a deal for X numbers of bouquets, and plop them into vases.

This isn't my usual market, but the photo in this link is pretty representative of what we have available here.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Nicollet-Mall-Farmers-Market/173288989396491

novella1186 · February 2015

I'm sorry you're having a tough time

I agree with PP, don't let this woman talk you into something you can't afford and don't want. There are other options. You don't even need to use her services if she can't work within your budget; you could do candles or other non-floral centerpieces which would still be beautiful, and then order the flowers for you bouquet from somewhere like Costco or even a local grocery store. There are tons of options.

If this is not a priority to you, you can do it very inexpensively and still end up with something lovely, without all the stress.

Good luck!

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

Girl, don't let decor get you down! I feel you on it being the last thing you care about. If your florist comes back with something you aren't willing to pay for (whether because your budget doesn't have it, or you just don't want to, or whatever), tell her so, and tell her so bluntly if necessary. If she can't - or won't - fix it into something you ARE happy with, at a price you are happy with paying, then tell her you're sorry but you're going to have to go in another direction.

And then - seriously - find a dollar store. I just spent less than $7 on stuff for one of my centerpieces. And it's going to be BEAUTIFUL.

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

My sister did a cupcake tower instead of flowers for her centerpieces. They doubled as favors (she also had cake).

There are many other things you can do besides flowers.

madamerwin · February 2015

jacques27 said:

Be firm. If she's not willing to stay in your budget, then find an alternative.

Do you have any farmers markets near you? It's a little early for that where I am, but by about mid-May they start up in full swing here. Usually the flower vendors are the first to appear here and they sell huge bouquets (way bigger and brighter than any grocery store bouquet) for $5/bouquet. Even if they aren't that cheap where you are, make friends with your farmers market vendors, strike up a deal for X numbers of bouquets, and plop them into vases.

This isn't my usual market, but the photo in this link is pretty representative of what we have available here.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Nicollet-Mall-Farmers-Market/173288989396491

Ditto this!! When my sister got married, she gave me $200 with instructions to get orange and yellow flowers at the farmers market (she didn't care the exact kinds, just colors). I was able to get enough flowers for all the bouquets and bouts, and after the ceremony we took the bouquets apart and plopped them in vases on the tables. Ta-da! Double whammy. Ceremony flowers-turned centerpieces for $200.

My main advice: Put your money where your priorities are; if the DJ is more important than decor (which, IMO, it is), then don't be afraid to tell your coordinator so. People won't really notice/care about the centerpieces as much as you do.

cakemurderer · February 2015

Don't get disheartened! I had a minor freakout when I started pricing venues and they all seemed to have guest count minimums or dollar minimums way outside of my budget. But then I stumbled across one that's perfect and in our price range. Basically I wasted an entire day crying and thinking that our wedding would have to be postponed another year just so we could afford to feed our guests. Don't lose hope if she comes back with a number that's way too big. Get creative and do something beyond the typical floral centerpieces. I was recently at a wedding and their centerpieces were lanterns with LED lights next to a small vase full of two types of flowers. It can't have cost a lot but it looked pretty and gave the table some color. I'm probably the only one who noticed the centerpieces at all, and that's only because I'm planning a wedding myself so was taking notes.

badbnagdway · February 2015

I agree with others, put money towards your priorities. Candles as centerpieces are a super cheap and very romantic idea. We aren't allowed to have candles at our venue so I got led wax tea lights to use around orchid plants which we can get at our local Whole Foods for $15 per plant. There are good ideas for any price range, don't be bullied into more than you can spend, especially on decorations.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

The planner is w/in her right to want to do things to a certain standard. They're creating a "brand" for themselves based on the type, quality, expense of the work they do.

That said, you're within your right not to use her services either. If she won't give you what you want (your style in your budget) move on to someone else.

Good luck.

JaniV123 · February 2015

Thanks for the amazing messages everybody. What I want is to have vases filled with water and floating candles. I found an amazing deal at amazon for the vasses and candles. Well she said they were too small and wouldnt look good, that we needed the huge one filled with flowers so it would look great. Not only are the huge vases expensive, filling them with lots of flowers is not something I wanted, as I wanted as little flowers as possible. So thats where I started to get heartbroken.

I will definitely tell her that if her quote is out of what we told her we wont be able to have her do the decor. I have a plan B for flowers and the vases off Amazon obviously. If thats the way things turn then the only thing I would have to do is figure out decor for the sweetheart table and thats it.

All the reassuring messages really made me feel a ton better to know that I am in the right mind and not being crazy about this. So really thank you from the bottom of my heart!

novella1186 · February 2015

Honestly, I think your idea sounds really romantic and pretty. Sometimes the over-done centerpieces look a little too fussy and a bit tacky to me. Just a simple floating candle in a vase would be really elegant. Don't let that crazy lady make you feel bad.

Sometimes party planners get too carried away and think everything needs to be so elaborate. Well, it doesn't. Simple is chic, elegant, romantic, and pretty. Overdone is none of those things.

Remember, this is YOUR wedding! Her ideas don't matter. Your budget is what matters.

AprilH81 · February 2015

JaniV123 said:

Thanks for the amazing messages everybody. What I want is to have vases filled with water and floating candles. I found an amazing deal at amazon for the vasses and candles. Well she said they were too small and wouldnt look good, that we needed the huge one filled with flowers so it would look great. Not only are the huge vases expensive, filling them with lots of flowers is not something I wanted, as I wanted as little flowers as possible. So thats where I started to get heartbroken.

I will definitely tell her that if her quote is out of what we told her we wont be able to have her do the decor. I have a plan B for flowers and the vases off Amazon obviously. If thats the way things turn then the only thing I would have to do is figure out decor for the sweetheart table and thats it.

All the reassuring messages really made me feel a ton better to know that I am in the right mind and not being crazy about this. So really thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Put your bouquet in a vase for the sweetheart table. Done!

madamerwin · February 2015

novella1186 said:

Honestly, I think your idea sounds really romantic and pretty. Sometimes the over-done centerpieces look a little too fussy and a bit tacky to me. Just a simple floating candle in a vase would be really elegant. Don't let that crazy lady make you feel bad.

Sometimes party planners get too carried away and think everything needs to be so elaborate. Well, it doesn't. Simple is chic, elegant, romantic, and pretty. Overdone is none of those things.

Remember, this is YOUR wedding! Her ideas don't matter. Your budget is what matters.

I agree with this - I think your idea sounds lovely, and not in the least bit cheap or tacky! Sometimes simple elegance is best.

artbyallie · February 2015

Don't be afraid to tell her point blank, "That is not what I want. I have told you my budget and the look I am going for and if you will not stick with that I will have to hire someone who will instead." Maybe worded more gently if it's important that this family friend not be too pissed at you. But really, if they think being close means they can do whatever they want, you don't need them as a vendor. They can just be a guest.

wandajune6 · February 2015

I love your idea! I nearly did the something similar myself but my mom was hung up on flowers and cared more than I did.

My original plan was to use various glass bowls for it-- I thought I could get them cheaper and reuse them later. I found a bunch at Ikea that were cheap, plus oddballs at Goodwill, etc.

Don't worry about what this woman has to say- your priorities sound perfect.

badbnagdway · February 2015

wandajune6 said:

My original plan was to use various glass bowls for it-- I thought I could get them cheaper and reuse them later. I found a bunch at Ikea that were cheap, plus oddballs at Goodwill, etc.

Yeah, thrifts are a great way to get super cheap glassware. Good plan.

JaniV123 · February 2015

So I was doing some research and I found the huge vases on ikea for $20. I sort of calculated how much it would be to do the exact thing she wants us buying the things, so when her quote comes in I will know for sure if its outrageous or not. if we bought the vases ourselves it would be <$300 just for the vases and candles. The flower I have no idea how to calculate but at least I have half of it down.

I am also looking at ways in which we can cut expenses, and I am debating on not getting a veil (which I REALLY want, the veil), getting a preowned one, or buying one from a seller that I just found which has a similar style to the one I was getting custom made on etsy but cheaper tulle and different beaded lace. The one I was going to get was silk tulle and french beaded lace 120" length for $350. The one I am looking at right now would be 9-12 ft in bridal illusion with beaded lace starting at hip level $92-$130.

So I will wait till we have the quote and decide if I will get a cheaper veil or forgo it all-together.

kvruns · February 2015

JaniV123 said:

So I was doing some research and I found the huge vases on ikea for $20. I sort of calculated how much it would be to do the exact thing she wants us buying the things, so when her quote comes in I will know for sure if its outrageous or not. if we bought the vases ourselves it would be <$300 just for the vases and candles. The flower I have no idea how to calculate but at least I have half of it down.

I am also looking at ways in which we can cut expenses, and I am debating on not getting a veil (which I REALLY want, the veil), getting a preowned one, or buying one from a seller that I just found which has a similar style to the one I was getting custom made on etsy but cheaper tulle and different beaded lace. The one I was going to get was silk tulle and french beaded lace 120" length for $350. The one I am looking at right now would be 9-12 ft in bridal illusion with beaded lace starting at hip level $92-$130.

So I will wait till we have the quote and decide if I will get a cheaper veil or forgo it all-together.

Please don't compromise what you want, and what you really really want (cue Spice Girls?), because the wedding planner/decorator has a different vision. I like that you are pricing it out to see how her quote goes, but honestly if you don't want big vases and flowers then don't sacrifice the veil but because the decorator thinks that is what you need. I don't remember what any centerpieces at wedding have looked like (except the one who did a cupcake tower on each table), stick with your gut!!

OliveOilsMom · February 2015

Honestly, after hearing the wedding planner call my idea "cheap", I would have even worked any further with her. "Well, I'm sorry that we can't agree. But this is what I want. I understand that you feel this will reflect poorly on you, so we will head in a different direction."

If you can inexpensively purchase your decor vision and have it done yourself. Then do it! You can always add extra tea lights or rose petals around the larger vase/candle. There is a website that sells freeze dried rose petals and you just steam them back to life a day before the wedding. A steamy shower was supposed to be sufficient. I haven't tried it personally, but they weren't very expensive.

Also, I think the website for discounted veils was valueveil.com or something to that effect. People used to talk about it on AA. I myself borrowed my BFF's veil as my something borrowed. Is that an option for you?

levioosa · February 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

Honestly, after hearing the wedding planner call my idea "cheap", I would have even worked any further with her. "Well, I'm sorry that we can't agree. But this is what I want. I understand that you feel this will reflect poorly on you, so we will head in a different direction."

If you can inexpensively purchase your decor vision and have it done yourself. Then do it! You can always add extra tea lights or rose petals around the larger vase/candle. There is a website that sells freeze dried rose petals and you just steam them back to life a day before the wedding. A steamy shower was supposed to be sufficient. I haven't tried it personally, but they weren't very expensive.

Also, I think the website for discounted veils was valueveil.com or something to that effect. People used to talk about it on AA. I myself borrowed my BFF's veil as my something borrowed. Is that an option for you?

I definitely read that as Alcoholics Anonymous and was super confused for a second as to why they would be discussing veils there.

JaniV123 · February 2015

@OliveOilsMom I am the first of my close friends to get married so the borrowing would be difficult.

I didnt know about the frozen flowers thing. Definitely will look into it.

The only reason we are still working with her is she did us several favors in the initial planning process and was doing a partial coordination for free. Since we werent paying her we decided to work the decor with her and that way we were compensating her. She is supposed to send me the quote today or tomorrow tops so I will keep everyone posted on what we will do.

For some reason I get a feeling that we will end up DYIing it and getting the flowers (bouquet and BM flowers from Plan

JaniV123 · February 2015

*UPDATE*

SO I got the quote today and its not as bad as I was expecting but it would still put us overbudget and not leave room for the DJ or anything else.

6 Bouts - $10 each

Flower girl basket flowers - $20

5 Single Calla Lillies for BM - $20 each

1 MOH Bouquet of Hydrangeas - $20

Bridal Bouquet: All Calla Lillies - $175

15 3' tall cylinder vases filled with Dedrobium orchids - $975

Sweetheart table decor: 2 venetian candelabra and a floating flower arrangement of green cymbidium orchids, roses, hydrangeas, and Dutch gerberas - $295

Rose petals and candles for cake table - $48

Delivery & service charge (set up) - $350

Total $2048 + taxes

I could ask how many flowers she is using in each vase and maybe lower it or change the flowers. I still dont know what to do, I know if we go with this everything will look amazing and grand and I would love it. I just know FI wont since he doesn't even like the whole big wedding idea. If it was him he would say "if you choose the decor then we wont have a DJ"

Sometimes I just want to give up and do nothing and just get married and go to vegas but I know I would hate myself later. And I can't tell my mom or anyone else who is contributing because if I tell them I will have to sacrifice x or y they will offer to give more money, as it already happened with the linens, and that makes me feel bad and presumptuous.

We cut the wedding guest list down a bit, and we already have several people who told us for sure they wont be able to travel, but we will invite them anyway. That brings us down to ~138 guests (from 150 and 156 before the cutting down). in terms of decor that would be a down of $81. I feel really frustrated about the whole thing. Even if I decided to DIY it, who would do the setting up/down of everything, how much time would that take, I would loose my DOC, and FI would still be in "IDC I just want to marry you, I would skip the whole wedding thnig if it were me, its a waste of money on one day" attitude and I would still be crying.

thanks for all the advice and support. I am going to call Plan B tomorrow and see if they would give me any savings and such and also call the coord and talk to her about maybe downsizing the amount of flowers that go into each vase.

ETA: It makes it even harder that I was expecting a 4K quote form her and she actually managed to pull some strings and keep it sort of in the range we had told her $1500-2000

Sugargirl1019 · February 2015

Her numbers are very reasonable. That being said, cut out those crazy 3 foot vases that cost almost 1000!!! Do a short vase on a mirror with little candles sitting on the mirror around the vase.

Cut out sweetheart flowers and use your own bouquet as decoration (coordinator will take it from you halfway through pictures).

Are you doing a bouquet toss? Do you need a toss bouquet? They usually do those free since your big bouquet costs 175.

ETA: seriously don't decorate your sweetheart table that much. We hardly sat there, and we never had pictures taken of us there.

JaniV123 · February 2015

@Sugargirl1019

I am calling her later tonight, I hadn't thought about using my bouquet at the sweetheart table. thats an awesome Idea.

I am doing a toss but using the MOH bouquet.

I think I am going to suggest cutting down the 3ft cylinders to only 7 and doing the rest shorter. Also see if it is possible to reduce the amount of flowers going into the vases as well.

FI actually responded much better than I was expecting. I am still crying... of mixed emotions of, this makes it more real, and being so tight in budget and having to do lots of juggling.

morewineplease · February 2015

Also you could see about using something other than orchids as they are some of the most expensive flowers. What about a single rose? I have seen some on (dear i say) pinterest that look nice https://www.pinterest.com/pin/330662797616107145/ or even these https://www.pinterest.com/pin/330662797616037124/

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wedding breakdown vent *NEW update in comments

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