Not Engaged Yet

Living Together before Marriage

Happy Monday All,

This is going to be a two part post...

Part 1:
Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?
If No: What was your reasoning (religious, just didn't want to, etc.)

Part 2:
So some background story...My BF and I have been together for almost 2 years in March (YAY!), and plan to get an apartment later on this year.  We both currently live at home w/ our parents by choice to save money. My family believes that a couple should not live together before they are married, POINT BLANK PERIOD. His family is a lot more relaxed and doesn't really care what we do as long as we're happy. So as of right now, his family is aware of my plans but mine aren't. My family knows I plan to move out this year, they just don't know its with him. I'm one who doesn't necessarily play by the rules and I'm going to do what I want to do regardless of what others think. I however did tell my BF that I want to be engaged before moving in together just because I have sooo many friends that have expected a proposal after living with their BFs and are still waiting years later.

The other day, we were discussing our finances and where exactly we want to move when he tells  me that I need to let my family know of our plans. Now, I dont plan to keep them in the dark about this up until the day we move out, I'm going to tell them, just within a month or two of us ACTUALLY moving out. He however feels that I need to tell them now. I have already made up my mind that this is what i am going to do, so the time of me telling them wont change anything, but I would rather have a few weeks of them criticizing and trying to change my mind than them doing it for half a year. Am I wrong for withholding this from them and should I just take my BFs advice and tell them now?
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Re: Living Together before Marriage

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    To answer your questions:

    BF and I don't live together currently. We're talking about moving in together after we get engaged and he finds a higher paying job. BF has some hesitations about it because of what his family might thing but I honestly think his family will be more okay with it than he thinks but either way we aren't letting that dictate if we move in together or not because there are so many other factors such as he might get into a research program that is out of state and we'd be doing long distance for a year instead of moving in together.

    Advice:

    Honestly, I really think it's completely up to you when you tell your family. I completely understand your reasoning for waiting to tell them. I frequently delay telling my mom about plans because it's so much easier to deal with her for just a few weeks leading up to whatever it is than for months or a year. And I'm an adult, I don't need my parents permission to do things so to me it would feel weird to announce my plans to them a year in advance.

    On the other hand I also see how keeping it from your family could make your BF feel uncomfortable, maybe like he is lying to them. Perhaps the two of you could come to some sort of compromise?



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  • labrolabro Hotlanta
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    Happy Monday All,

    This is going to be a two part post...

    Part 1:
    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?
    If No: What was your reasoning (religious, just didn't want to, etc.)

    Part 2:
    So some background story...My BF and I have been together for almost 2 years in March (YAY!), and plan to get an apartment later on this year.  We both currently live at home w/ our parents by choice to save money. My family believes that a couple should not live together before they are married, POINT BLANK PERIOD. His family is a lot more relaxed and doesn't really care what we do as long as we're happy. So as of right now, his family is aware of my plans but mine aren't. My family knows I plan to move out this year, they just don't know its with him. I'm one who doesn't necessarily play by the rules and I'm going to do what I want to do regardless of what others think. I however did tell my BF that I want to be engaged before moving in together just because I have sooo many friends that have expected a proposal after living with their BFs and are still waiting years later.

    The other day, we were discussing our finances and where exactly we want to move when he tells  me that I need to let my family know of our plans. Now, I dont plan to keep them in the dark about this up until the day we move out, I'm going to tell them, just within a month or two of us ACTUALLY moving out. He however feels that I need to tell them now. I have already made up my mind that this is what i am going to do, so the time of me telling them wont change anything, but I would rather have a few weeks of them criticizing and trying to change my mind than them doing it for half a year. Am I wrong for withholding this from them and should I just take my BFs advice and tell them now?

    1. Yes, we were living together for nearly a year and a half before we got engaged. It was important to both of us to live together before marriage so we could form a deeper relationship, learn more about each other, and figure out each other's habits (good, bad, and in-between). Plus we were working different shifts at the time and didn't get to spend a ton of time together, moving in together gave us more opportunities to be with each other.

    1a. My parents were ok with it (if they weren't, they never said so to me). His parents (especially his mom) were uncomfortable with it. They are much more conservative than my parents are. We had a joint discussion about it and agreed that we wanted to move in together in spite of how his mom felt.

    Part Two:

    Yes. There was never a moment where my parents and his parents weren't aware of our decision, at least from the point that we decided we wanted to move in together and started looking for apartments. His mom was uncomfortable with it, and I don't really know exactly what he said to her. The important thing to know here is - are you both adults and capable of supporting yourself without additional support from your parents? H and I were both working full-time jobs and living separately in our own places before we rented an apartment together. You need to be prepared to accept the fact that your family may not approve of this, and will give you a hard time, they may even kick you out depending on how strongly they feel about this issue. I think you telling your parents is really important to your BF. He probably doesn't want to break ties with your family over this and this is why he's encouraging you to talk it out with them ahead of time.



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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY
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    1. Yes, FI & I live together, and did before we were engaged. It was a requirement for me to live with my SO before we got married. Neither of our families cared.

    2. I think if you are set that you're going to do this, despite knowing your family will disapprove, it's probably best to just tell them. At least then they will have time to get used to the idea, instead of just having you move out and in with your SO with no discussion. 



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  • Part 1:
    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    Yes, but it was super secret. H was having a hard time finding a healthy and safe living environment, and we thought it was dumb to pay double the rent. He moved in the weekend we got engaged. His family knew, mine didn't, but had an idea by the time we got married. I could have lost my job if anyone found out. When I was looking for a roommate in college, my mom called my senior pastor (my boss's boss's boss) and told him I was looking to move in with a boy, to which I was threatened with my job. I didn't want to risk her doing that again. 

    Part 2
    I withheld from my parents for the reasons stated above. My income, the primary income, was at risk, as was my career, if my parents found out and my mom disagreed with my choices. It sounds like you're just going up against staunch opinions. I say tell them when you feel comfortable, but understand that your BF doesn't want to be villainized in this whole thing. You also have 6 months. Maybe tell them a lot closer to when you're actually checking out housing together, rather than after leases are signed. It will be less like lying to them, because they will be asking how your search is going. 
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  • edited February 2015
    I'll answer your questions first before I reply about your particular situation. No, DH and I did not live together for the majority of the time we were dating and engaged. We got married November 2013 and I moved in with him August 2013 (3 months before the wedding) just to move our furniture together and get organized before the wedding. 

    We chose not to live together mainly based on personal decisions. We chose to abstain from sex throughout our relationship until we were married. Living together would obviously cause temptation on that part so we thought it was wise not to. Our decision was mainly based on our faith.

    In my case in particular, neither of our parents would have opposed us living together prior to marriage but they knew our decisions and respected them. Since your parents are opposed to it then I think it needs to be a mature discussion that you have with them on the reasons why you think that it's a good decision for you to live with your BF. If you and your BF personally believe that you're ready financially and emotionally to live together then the only opinion that matters is your own. Adults in relationships who live together make that decision on their own and frankly their parents shouldn't have a say in that unless their parents are providing some sort of help with their situation. I think you should inform them of your plans now though.

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  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL
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    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    Yes, we lived together before marriage. BF at the time was living about 40 minutes away and it was difficult for us to be together. His lease was ending and instead of renewing it with his roommates we decided it was the best time for us to move in together.

    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?
    I wouldn't say it was a definite requirement to live together before marriage, but we preferred it that way. In my opinion, marriage is difficult on its own, and we wanted to get that first year of living together out of the way before we got married. 

    My family did not have an opinion one way or the other about our living situation. And neither did most of his family. The exception to that was his mom. She was very forward with her opinion on living together before marriage. We thanked her for her insight, and then did what we wanted anyway. She handled it gracefully without giving us any shit. Sometimes they just need to say their peace and let it go. 

    Am I wrong for withholding this from them and should I just take my BFs advice and tell them now?
    Only you can really answer that. What's the point in telling them now? It might make your time left at home more difficult for you, and things might change in the next few months where your timeline gets rearranged or whatever. I just don't see the benefit of telling them rightthissecond. If it were me, I'd wait until we signed a lease somewhere and then tell them. Be prepared for the potential fallout. 

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  • Hey, this post is actually something I have some experience on and can comment.

    Part 1: I am currently living with my SO before we were/are engaged. We moved in together because we loved each other, I was in college and we weren't fond of the distance. Also because he was unhappy with his employment situation and thought moving here would give him more opportunities. Yes, it has always been a requirement of mine to live with my SO before marrying, because I would not want to enter into marriage while remaining ignorant of anything that I could have easily learned by living with them. Just for example, I have a friend who moved in with her husband after they were married to find he had a porn addiction, and she would not have married him if she had known. Everyone in my life is totally fine with it. I am glad to see, however, that you've voiced your concerns about getting engaged soon before moving in together. I was in the camp of people who thought I would move in with SO and be engaged shortly after. But I never said anything, and BF had different ideas about it. I'm proud to say we definitely got through it and I realize it would have been a bad idea to get married now anyway, but it is always best to talk about these things first.

    Part 2: I do not think you're wrong for withholding this from your parents. You plan on moving out, so this tells me you're adult enough to take care of yourself, which to me means your decisions are yours and you can share them with whoever you wish. That isn't to say I believe they should be okay with it. By hiding this from them you run the risk of hurting their feelings and their trust in you, and that is something you have to make a decision on.

    Good luck and I hope they take it well whenever you tell them!
    "Love is hard and love is messy and it can hurt worse than fire, and sometimes it makes you wanna tear down a building with your bare hands, but it also happens to be the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole."


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  • Did DH and I live together prior to marriage? 
    Yes. I stayed with him for the first month I lived in Phoenix until I found an apartment. By then, we really liked being around each other, so I continued to stay at his house most nights. It was early in our relationship, so I made sure to check in with him to make sure he still felt he had his space.

    We moved in officially about 1.5 years into dating. It was the day after he paid his ex-wife off so that she no longer had claim to the house. We got engaged a year after that and married another year after that.

    Why?
    Why not? I had lived on my own and had lived with boyfriends in the past. I knew if things didn't go well, that I was capable of moving back out on my own. But I also knew that I loved this man, and I wanted to spend almost all of my available waking hours with him.

    Your situation:
    I think it's totally up to you when you tell your family. I don't blame you for wanting to wait longer, since you'll be living under the same roof with them, and why deal with their negative reaction for longer than you have to. I like that you sound like you've made this decision and are going to stand by your decision, regardless of your parents reaction.
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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
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    Part 1: I live with my FI. We got engaged last April, moved in together last May when we bought a house, and are getting married in two months and two days. For me, it wasn't necessarily a requirement to live with an SO before I got married. It was something where the timing worked out that way. His family was just fine with it; mine would have been less fine if my brother and his GF hadn't been looking for apartments (thank you, DB, I still owe you booze for all time for making our mom re-examine her beliefs).

    Part 2: If you're adult enough to take care of yourself, you're adult enough to tell your parents what you want when you want. That being said, I would tell them when you start looking at places together.
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  • Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    Yes, we lived together before getting engaged.  H thought it was important for him and I thought it was important as well but I did make it clear that, absent any big issues that arose by us living together, I did expect him to be ready to propose within a year of living together.  Thankfully he only made me wait a few months.

     
    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?
    We both wanted to live together first.  Our parents could have cared less but we were both in our 30s at that point and had each been living on our own since 18. I do think H's mom (very traditional) had a talk with H to make sure he was going to get engaged to me when he told her.  I honestly don't know if he told her at that point what our plans were.

    Am I wrong for withholding this from them and should I just take my BFs advice and tell them now?

    Meh.  I would tell them now but that's just me.  Unless I was going to lose a job over it like @audrewuh I would just get it out of the way. 

    [Deleted User]
  • Pt 1 - Yes, we live together and are NEY. We both lived with our parents while saving up money and actually purchased a house together before we'd even lived together. We did not want to rent and do a 'test run', so it was a bit of a risk. If you haven't been together a while I might not recommend this, because there is very little recourse if something goes wrong. Anyways, we'd been together for over 8 years before we moved in, over 7.5 when we signed the mortgage. My family was thrilled about this. His family is more religious/traditional, but even then it wasn't a surprise, and they weren't opposed, just not thrilled like my family. For example, his family has only been to our house twice in the 9 months we've been here, my family has been over 10+ times, including for xmas dinner.

     

    It was important for me to live with him before getting engaged or married. Even if for the simple fact of being settled and more financially stable before a wedding. I can't imagine trying to plan and pay for a wedding, while also looking at a house.

     

    For your situation, I can see both sides. Your BF doesnt want your family to blame him, but you also don't want to get in trouble. TBH I'd lean towards your BFs side. It sounds like you want to make adult decisions, but don't want to face the consequences of them. Having your family tell you it's a terrible idea is NOT ideal, but they will have to get used to it sooner or later. I'd rather be on better terms when you actually move, which I think if they have more time to accept it would be more likely. If you spring it on them a week before you move they (might) be angry, and it could still be raw. If you tell them now, they might be angry at first, but probably not in 6mon. HOWEVER - only you know your family. None of us do, and your bf doesnt know them as well as you.

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  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio
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    Part 1:
    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    No - we did not live together.  We both had/have our own houses and we live 2 miles apart from each other.  After we got married, he 'moved' into my house but still has most of his belongings at his house.  We are looking to buy a new house and either sell/rent both our homes out.  My house is really too small for our combined 'stuff' and his house comes with his brother living in it.

    Part 2:
    This one is such an individualized question. 

    I lived with my ex (well he lived with me I should say).  My parents had no problem with that and neither did his.  Our reasoning was that it was more affordable than both of us having our own apartments.  It did lead to some breakdowns in our relationship in that he expected me to 'mother' him because 'his mother did XYZ around the house' he felt I should do it too - she was a homemaker, I worked 40+ hours a week.

    I will also say my niece moved in with her BF.  She is still in college and her family does not like her BF.  Her mother has cut off quite a bit of the 'funding' she was giving her because my niece went behind her back and signed contracts and put down payments down before telling anybody.  I bring this up just to make sure if your family is financially supporting you in any way, be prepared to take on the extra responsibility.

    It is your personal decision - but I think you might want to tell them sooner rather than later.  I think you should have a dicsucssion with your BF as to WHY he wants you to talk to your parents now instead of later. He might be worried that they will frown upon it and therefore frown upon him and become very nonsupporting of your relationship.  I'm sure he does not want to be the 'bad guy' in all of this (I'm sure he also doesn't want you to be the 'bad guy' either but telling them now can open up further discussions).


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  • phiraphira Bahstin
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    I did live with my husband before we got married, for two reasons. The first reason was because after we'd been dating about a year, we both had to move. The idea of finding a new apartment and new roommates was very stressful for me, and the only way he could afford to live alone would be to move to a part of the city that was very far from where I needed to live for school.

    We already were spending 3-4 nights a week together, and we wanted to spend even more time with each other, so having him move farther away from me would have been a huge step in the wrong direction. Moving in together made a lot of sense, both because it was practical and because it meant we could see each other daily.

    The second reason we lived together before marriage was that both of us wanted to live with a significant other for at least a year before getting engaged. So even if we hadn't moved in together when we did, we would have done it eventually before marriage. Living together is a big transition, and we wanted to make that transition and make sure we could happily live together before committing to marriage.

    Our families were on-board with our decision, and honestly completely expected it. I think they would have been surprised if we hadn't. Granted, I was 26 and he was 29, so it wasn't like we were right out of college, but even so, it's not as though either family expected us to get married first, or gave us shit for our decision.

    As for your situation:

    You should tell your family when you're ready to tell them. It sounds like your living situation is already a tad stressful, and that the longer you wait to tell your parents, the shorter the time spent in a more toxic living environment.

    Besides the whole, "lying by omission" view point, has your boyfriend explained why he thinks you should tell your family now? Is he worried they'll blame him? Is he concerned that waiting too long will result in them being doubly angry (angry that you're moving in before marriage AND angry that they were in the dark about it)?

    The thing is, every family has a different set of politics, which is something that's been VERY hard for my husband and I to get used to. There are certain things that are handled completely differently in each of our families, which has resulted in some awkwardness. You know your family better than he knows your family, which means YOU are the authority on how things work in your family.

    That doesn't mean that he has no say or input. It means that no matter how anxious he gets about how they'll react, you're going to be better at predicting their reactions.

    Because the decision regarding when to tell your family affects YOU more than it affects HIM, then I think he's welcome to give you his opinion, but that he needs to respect your authority in this situation, and trust that you know what's best for you while you're still living at home.
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  • edited February 2015
    Part 1:  No, we do not live together (we're NEY), primarily because we've been long distance for most of our relationship (and he deploys again this weekend).  He stays with me when he comes to town, but it's very much like having a houseguest.  Because of this, I actually hope we'll live together before we get married (although maybe not before we get engaged).  I've lived alone for 5 years, and it will be an adjustment to live with someone again.  My parents will probably have a pretty significant problem with it (although not as big a problem as they would have had if I hadn't already been living on my own, physically and financially, for 10 years).

    I totally get not wanting to tell your parents if you think they're going to disapprove.  Only you know your family dynamic.  My family absolutely does not keep secrets from each other, so if I were to move in with Mr. H without telling them, they'd be really hurt (worse, IMO, than them being mad)--and that would be made worse by me not telling them as soon as I made the decision.  At the same time, you need to respect your BF's desire to be as open with your family as possible.  I wouldn't let this be the hill that you die on, especially since you're going to tell them eventually anyway.

    Edited: Spelling is hard.

  • Thank you all so much! The abundance of advice is greatly appreciated. Seeing as we are both financially independent (pay our own bills, car note, pay rent, etc), I do agree that despite my families belief, we should have a say in how we spend our lives. And BF has said that he doesn't want to go breaking up my family just because we want to live together. So taking that into context, I might tell them sooner than later, but i think I will wait until we are at least engaged, that might make them just a tiny bit more comfortable with our decision. And any extra advice is still welcome. Thanks Guys!
  • I didn't read anything yet, just the questions. I'll go back and read after I post my answers.



    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?

    Yes we've been living together for about 3 1/2 years and will be getting married in June.
    It wasn't a requirement- we both kind of wanted to wait until we were married to move in together just because we figured nothing would really change after marriage if we were already living together. We were pretty young when we started dating though and I didn't realize quite how long it would be before we'd even be engaged. So at one point we decided we really wanted to live together since it seemed like the right time.
    I never had anyone voice their disapproval. My family was completely OK with it and I think they expected it. They've always been supportive though and we've never been too "traditional". Like I was never expected to wait until marriage to have sex or anything like that.


     




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  • TwoDimes said:
    Part 1: I live with my FI, and we lived together for about two years prior to getting engaged. I wanted to live with him before we got engaged, because I think you learn a LOT about a person by living with them. Basically, what @audrewuh said above. It was important to me for us to spend that time working on our relationship, making sure we were communicating with each other, and basically just forming a foundation for the future BEFORE we made a permanent commitment. My parents were totally fine with us living together. FI's parents (mainly his mother) had some reservations, but ultimately they didn't stand in our way. We were both financially independent adults and had been living on our own for 5ish years before moving in together. So we listened to their concerns, but chose to live together anyway since that was what was best for us, and they were understanding of that. Although.... for some RANDOM reason Fi's mother thought we were living together and sleeping in separate bedrooms. I have no idea why, because we certainly never gave her that idea. So when she found out we were sleeping in the same bedroom (after we'd lived together over a year) she had a minor fit. No issues since then.

    Part 2: It's up to you. If you are both independent adults, you should be able to explain your choice to your parents and stand behind your reasoning. I don't see any reason to tell them now though. I would probably tell them around the time you start looking for housing and signing leases.
    This is kinda nuts.

    I get so aggravated when I hear about parents throwing fits when their kids decide to live with a SO before marriage. Children grow up and if you raised them right then you should trust that they can make good choices as an adult.

    Maybe I don't get it at all because I'm not religious and my parents are not conservative.
     




    minskat30[Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • 1.  Yes, DH and I lived together before we were married and before we were engaged.  Some of my family cared.  Some of them didn't.  My dad and brother didn't care.  My aunts raised their eyebrows, but said nothing.  My mom said she didn't care, but was super passive aggressive about it and eventually told us we were "living in sin," to which I replied, "Well, while you're casting stones, remember that divorce is a sin too."  That shut her up.

    We moved in together because it felt right and like the next step.  Also, logistically and financially, it made the most sense.  Looking back on it (I was so young then!), I definitely think living together SHOULD happen before marriage.  You learn SO much about yourself and your partner that way, and it's really a good indicator of whether or not you can live well together.

    2.  I can understand your BF's hesitation about lying to your family.  But ultimately, that's YOUR family, and those are YOUR relationships to manage.  Not his.  So, it's really your decision to make.

    That being said, I do think that if you want to be treated like an adult, you should act like one.  Adults don't feel the need to sneak around, ask for permission, or lie like teenagers about their whereabouts.

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  • phiraphira Bahstin
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    I definitely think that telling them after the engagement (rather than before it) is a good plan. It'll indicate that you are committing to each other, and you can keep reminding them of that if they give you any additional bullshit!
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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York
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    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    Yes. I could never imagine agreeing to marry someone without living with them for a significant amount of time beforehand. 
    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?
    My mom didn't totally approve when I first told her, but mostly because she was worried that we were moving in together too soon (we had only been dating for 8 months), not becuase she was against living together before marriage. Regardless of her initial feelings, she was happy once she saw how happy I was about my living situation.

    To answer your second question, I think it is totally your decision about when to tell them. Your BF should respect that you know how to handle/deal with your parents better than he does.
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  • Part I: Yes, BF and I live together. We've lived together for almost two years, and we dated for a year before moving in together. We don't have any immediate plans to get engaged. It never occurred to me to consider marrying someone without spending a significant period of time living with that person first. We moved in together a week after our first dating anniversary, and we moved to a new state together (so I could go to law school). Both of our parents were supportive of our decision, but we had both been living on our own for years. 

    Part II: I told my parents about a month after we made the decision. Not because I thought that they would disapprove, but because we hadn't actually decided where we were moving yet. I was deciding between a couple of different law schools, all of which were out of state for us, and we decided that we would move together before I actually decided which school I wanted to attend. Once I had decided I told my parents where I would be going and that BF would be coming with me at the same time. 

    Do what's right for you. If you want to wait to tell your parents, which you have valid reasons for wanting to do, then do that. It sounds like your BF has valid reasons for wanting them to know, but you have to find some way to compromise in this situation. In the end, their your parents and this is your relationship (with them), tell them when it's right for you. 
    [Deleted User]
  • Thank you all so much! The abundance of advice is greatly appreciated. Seeing as we are both financially independent (pay our own bills, car note, pay rent, etc), I do agree that despite my families belief, we should have a say in how we spend our lives. And BF has said that he doesn't want to go breaking up my family just because we want to live together. So taking that into context, I might tell them sooner than later, but i think I will wait until we are at least engaged, that might make them just a tiny bit more comfortable with our decision. And any extra advice is still welcome. Thanks Guys!
    I worry a little bit about your timeline. Is your SO completely on-board with the 'getting engaged prior to moving' timeline? And if he is, he may be thinking 'the day you get the keys to your new place' and not 'two months before you move.' I would definitely make sure you're on the same page there. Other posters here have gotten engaged the day they moved into a new place.
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  • Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?

    BF and I are moving in this weekend actually, so this post has great timing. Up until now we've been living at his parents' house while I was paying off student loans.

    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?

    It is not a requirement for me, and I actually didn't think we would because we're waiting for marriage to sleep together. But it is time to get out of his parents' house and it doesn't make sense to us financially to live separate. And he wanted to live together before we get engaged. I'd rather be engaged before but, as I'm fairly sure he's not proposing this week, that's not going to happen.
    Neither of our families disapprove, his are actually excited for us, but I do worry about some of my Christian friends not understanding. He says it's none of their business and I shouldn't worry but I still do.

    As for your situation, I would tell your parents shortly before you do move out. They don't need to know you're thinking about it now, but they should know eventually.
    [Deleted User]
  • Part 1:
    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why? I am not engaged to my SO. I had always thought I wanted to be engaged before living with someone but with us, it just felt natural to move in together. We moved in together last April so it was about a 1 1/2 into our relationship. I had spent most of my nights at his place so it made sense to take the next step when his lease was up on his old place.

    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove? I don't know if my family approves or disapproves. I never asked their opinion. I think my parents just want me to be happy and my happiness negates out any of their negativity they may have towards the situation.

    I think it is best for you to be upfront with your parents. I don't think it matters when you tell them. Sure they may have their concerns or objections but they will always have them no matter when you tell them so why not just get it over with instead of letting it linger?

    Good luck to you!
    [Deleted User]
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited February 2015
    @anidorikiladra, if your friends are being judgmental about you and your SO moving in together, I might be tempted to remind them about the log in their eye as they're pointing out the twig in yours. Just saying.
    cu97tiger
  • edited February 2015
    @KeptInStitches‌ Yeah, that's pretty much what my BF says. It's really one friend in particular who is very judgemental. We've had a lot of issues lately because of it. My friend and me, that is.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    @KeptInStitches‌ Yeah, that's pretty much what my BF says. It's really one friend in particular who is very judgemental. We've had a lot of issues lately because of it. My friend and me, that is.
    BF and I had a friend like that. He lived on a high horse and was constantly judging of our relationship. We didn't feel it was a friendship worth maintaining. No one needs that negativity in their life.


    KeptInStitches
  • @bethsmiles‌ The sad thing is that she was my best friend in university, and even introduced me to BF. She got weirdly judgey almost immediately after we started dating, was accusing us of things that weren't happening. It sucked, I felt terrible every time I saw her, so I stopped talking to her. I'm very close with her sister still though.
    I'm trying not to worry about all that when we're moving in together though, because I should be happy about this!
  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 New York
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    Part 1: My FI and I currently live together, and lived together for about a year and a half before getting engaged. We moved in together 1.5 years into dating. However, we moved in together because I moved across the country, and he followed me a few months later after getting a job offer here. It was easier to move in together due to the high cost of rent and we only really knew each other here. 

    Part 2: Both of our families thought it was a great idea, because we would be together in case either of us needed something, and could save money. My parents suggested it as soon as FI got his job offer here. I'm not sure if I would have mandated living together before engagement/marriage, but looking back, I am very thankful that FI and I did. We learned a lot about one another and grew closer as a result. 

    As others have mentioned, I think it is best to tell your parents if your mind is made up. You are an adult, and presumably have the means to support yourselves, so your parents should not have a say in your living arrangement as long as it is a safe and healthy environment. 

    [Deleted User]
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