Wedding Supper...open to all but only immediate family is paid for - any ideas?

Knottie9057188 · February 2015

Middle age couple, simple wedding:

We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".

Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)

How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

levioosa · February 2015

If people come to the ceremony, they must be properly hosted afterwards, and in no way should pay for themselves. There is no way to do what you are proposing without making people feel uncomfortable and being incredibly rude. Unfortunately you can't have both. Either you do want to celebrate with all these people, and so plan and host accordingly, or they don't mean that much to you and you are fine with family/closest friends only. But either way, you must host everyone who comes.

redoryx · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

If you are sending FB invites, that's still inviting them, even if they aren't "official invitations" and if you invite them and they arrive then you must properly host them. That includes food.

something about the "well wishes only" rubs me the wrong way as well. If you think anyone would *not* wish you well on your marriage, why are you extending an invitation?

levioosa · February 2015

redoryx said:

show previous quotes
Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!
If you are sending FB invites, that's still inviting them, even if they aren't "official invitations" and if you invite them and they arrive then you must properly host them. That includes food.

something about the "well wishes only" rubs me the wrong way as well. If you think anyone would *not* wish you well on your marriage, why are you extending an invitation?

To build on this, "Well Wishes Only" also seems like another form of "No Gifts," which is also rude as it suggests that you were expecting gifts.

julieanne912 · February 2015

I agree with the others... you can't send any sort of invite (not even a text message or email or verbal invite) without planning on paying for their meal and basic drinks. If you're only willing and able to pay for the meals of the 33 people you mentioned, then those are the only ones who should be getting an invite of any shape or fashion. Remember, these people are there as YOUR guests, it's YOUR wedding. Be a good host.

mikenberger · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

Yeah, no. What all the other PPs said. Any sort of invite, even as casual as Facebook is an invite to the event and they should be hosted properly. Do not invite them if you cannot afford them. It's okay not to invite everybody if you can't afford them. It's NOT okay to invite people and tell them to pay for themselves.

Rule of thumb: If you cannot figure out a way to politely say it or phrase it, chances are it's not polite.

MairePoppy · February 2015

No, that's not possible to tell your well wishers that they have to pay for their own meals, without making everyone feel uncomfortable. You should take down your facebook invitation, immediately. Send written invitations to only those people you plan to host, including their drinks. I would consider changing the date, just in case your facebook friends have penciled you in on their calendars. How embarrassing it would be to be given a check after dinner, while the more important guests are being treated. I would feel like I crashed your wedding.

CMGragain · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

The answer to your question is very simple.

1. Send proper paper invitations! This way there will be no misunderstanding as to who is invited to your wedding. You can make your own, or have them done at vistaprint.com very cheaply!

2. Host a cake and punch reception at the park immediately after the ceremony. It doesn't need to be a fancy tiered wedding cake. Sheet cake from the grocery store will do.

3. There must be a seat for every person who is invited to your wedding. This is non-negotiable! It is horribly rude to expect your guests to stand, waiting for your ceremony!

4. Every person who is invited to your wedding must also be invited to your reception. If the "supper" is a part of your wedding reception, then everyone with an invitation must be invited. No cash bar! You do not need to offer alcohol, though.

5. See how paper invitations make everything easier? Now take down that horrible, tacky facebook invitation - if it really IS an invitation! You don't know WHO might show up!

PS. "Well wishes only" is tacky and rude.

climbingsingle · February 2015

Agree with the rest of the posters. You can't invite people and then expect them to pay for their meals. That's so rude! If you can only afford to host 30 people, you should have only invited 30 people!

VulgarGirl · February 2015

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

It doesn't matter how informal you intend for this to be, and it definitely doesn't matter how old you are (except for me to think YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER). If you invite people to celebrate your marriage in ANY way, YOU MUST HOST THEM PROPERLY. End of story. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

ashley8918 · February 2015

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

Sidenote, be really careful with open invites to a wedding in a park. Jashley might show up.

KatWAG · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:

Middle age couple, simple wedding:

We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".

Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)

How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

-----------STUPID BOXES-----------

PPs have covered almost everything else but you need to cover beverages as well. This doesnt mean you need to have an open bar but it does mean that you need to host something. Your guests should not have to pay for anything. ETA: your 90 minute gap is also rude. Start your supper at 4pm.

mikenberger · February 2015

thespeshulestsnowflake · February 2015

Iamnowmrsjms · February 2015

PP's have it covered. Please take the advice given and don't be rude hosts.

slothiegal · February 2015

Fun fact! Just because you're having a budget wedding, it doesn't mean it has to be cheap/tacky as hell!

[this is where I would insert THE MORE YOU KNOW! gif were I not on mobile]

ashley8918 · February 2015

slothiegal said:
Fun fact! Just because you're having a budget wedding, it doesn't mean it has to be cheap/tacky as hell!

[this is where I would insert THE MORE YOU KNOW! gif were I not on mobile]

I got your back, girl.

slothiegal · February 2015

Thanks boo!

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

ashley8918 said:

show previous quotes
slothiegal said:
Fun fact! Just because you're having a budget wedding, it doesn't mean it has to be cheap/tacky as hell!

[this is where I would insert THE MORE YOU KNOW! gif were I not on mobile]
I got your back, girl.

flantastic · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

If I received this invitation or attended this wedding, I would be super embarrassed for you.

Be sure to have chairs. Eliminate the gap while you take pictures - either take them before your ceremony, or host some refreshment for guests while you take them. Pay for some refreshment for your entire guest list, which will have to include the Facebook invitees unless you send out a note to all of them saying "The wedding of ____ will not take place as planned" and change your date/time. Make sure they are all hosted at the same level and do not have to pay for anything that is available to them - if that's only cake and punch, that's fine.

redoryx · February 2015

Somehow I missed the gap.

OP, perhaps a cake and punch reception immediately following the ceremony in the park would be a better idea. Then you can invite more people, everyone will be hosted properly, and there will be no gap. Either that, or get actual paper invitations and send them only to the 33 people you are paying for at dinner.

Either way, though, you need to get rid of that gap.

JasperandOpal · February 2015

Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

To avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up, only invite those people for whom you are willing to pay for dinner. The others are not welcome to join you and it will be clear that they are paying for their own meal because they will be at their own homes, and not at a restaurant under the impression that the newly married couple were planning to host the event they planned.

But I think the question you should be asking is: How do I host the wedding I want, with the people I want to attend, for the budget I have?

Because you can do that. You can definitely have a short, informal ceremony in the park, attended by friends and family, but you need to stop putting the burden on the guests- by inviting them to attend "if they are in the neighborhood" you put them in the uncomfortable position of not knowing whether you actually want them to attend. The desire not to host them afterwards only further rubs this impression in. From my perspective it would feel like you didn't want me to attend, hadn't planned on me attending, and then I had made you uncomfortable by showing up when you couldn't afford to feed me. If you can't afford to pay for people who "might show up" you need to make sure they don't show up, and that they aren't under the impression you want them to show up. That burden is on you.

Instead, do as others have recommended: Make real invitations (even if they are evites), invite those you want to attend and can afford to host, host a cake and punch reception post ceremony and go on your merry married way. You won't have to pay for drinks or supper, just cake and punch/water/soft drinks.

And then you and your new spouse can go take pictures and go out to dinner together and not have to worry about footing anyone else's bill. I will even go so far as saying that if you want you can take your family out to dinner after the reception but it should not be called a reception and should not be considered a reception. It is more in line with when people go bar hopping after their wedding reception and only some guests know or go. This is not something I would do but if you are desperate to go to dinner that night with your families, that is one way to do it.

You could overcome this issue by doing the dinner the night before, with the 33 people you want to buy dinner for, call it a rehearsal dinner and then have the casual park wedding and cake and punch reception the next day. Either way though you need to be clear that you are only inviting the people you can afford to host properly.

MGP · February 2015

So let me get this straight - you have sent a Facebook invitation for people to come to your ceremony, then you are going to have dinner at a restaurant but only pay for food (not drinks) for 33 of those people, and expect everyone else to pay?

Since others have touched on what a terrible idea this is etiquette wise I will comment on the logistics of this debacle of a plan:

How do you expect the restaurant to keep up with who you are paying for and who you are not? Are you going to seat your chosen few all at the same table and tell the event coordinator everyone else is on their own? Many places don't even allow this type of billing for a large event so you better double check with your venue. Safely assuming most of these guests are couples (goodness I hope you invited significant others) that is about 17 separate tabs right there, not to mention all of your "well wishers" and how many of those do you expect? 50? 100? 200? Venues typically book large events because the bulk of business but more importantly the ease of payment. Running 1 credit card for a wedding of 200 is worlds apart from running 100 credit cards for 100 tables of 2 tops, which is essentially what you would be asking them to do. If I owned the business I would absolutely, positively, not allow you to have the event at my restaurant not just because it's rude but because it would be a waste of my employee's time.

If you have an open invitation on Facebook what are you going to tell the restaurant about the headcount? "Expect somewhere between 33 and 300"? Nope, not going to fly. Especially if you spring the separate checks thing on them.

When exactly were you planning on informing people what they would financially be responsible for - the lucky 33 that you will pay for their food (not drinks) AND the non lucky ones that get to foot their entire bill? If I was told this beforehand, I wouldn't attend. If I was presented with the check after the meal, I would walk out. Either way, this would be relationship ending.

Bottom line is - host what you can afford, host it equally and properly, or just elope and don't host at all. And if you are only able to pay for 33 meals (not drinks), it sounds like the last option is the best for you. It is extremely inappropriate to ask your guests to fund any part of your wedding.

ETA - plus everything that @JasperandOpal said. That response came in as I was typing. Bravo!!

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

What does "well wishes only" even mean?

madamerwin · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

If I saw this FB invitation, first I would wonder what the hell "Well wishes only" means. Are you expecting your arch-nemesis to come and wish evil upon you? Is it a veiled way of saying "no gifts?"

THEN I would wonder if you actually wanted me there. If I came (which to be honest I probably wouldn't, having received only a FB invitation), and then found out you were only hosting half of the people attending the reception - minus beverages, which is rude* - I would definitely feel unwelcome.

As PPs have said, you have two options, both of which require that you send real invitations (e-vites are fine too):

1. Send real invitations to everyone you want to attend, and host a cake and punch reception following the ceremony. Then, later that evening, or the evening before, you can host a dinner for your 33 nearest and dearest at a restaurant. But the restaurant is not the reception; the cake and punch is.

2. Only invite those 33 friends and family members to the wedding, and then have your reception with those 33 people at the restaurant, where you will be paying for their meals and beverages. The reception should follow immediately after the ceremony.

*Note: You can choose not to make alcohol available if you don't wish to pay for it, but you cannot have it available for your guests to purchase. This is rude.

Viczaesar · February 2015

Knottie9057188 said:
Middle age couple, simple wedding:
We are having a very short, informal, ceremony at a local park at 3PM. We are not sending invitations. We have an event on Facebook inviting family and friends to simply stop by if they are in the neighborhood, "Well Wishes Only".
Then we get pictures done and we have an entire floor of a local restaurant/bar booked for our supper (5PM) where we will continue to party late into the evening with the house band.
We are paying for suppers (suppers only, not drinks) for our parents, sisters/brothers/ and their spouses and kids and for a few people who are coming from far away. (approx. 33 people)
How do we avoid being stuck paying for all the others that might show up? They are welcome to sit with us but I need it to be clear that they are paying for their own meal without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you!!

There is, quite literally, nothing acceptable about this plan, from the Facebook event (which is an invitation, don't kid yourself), to the "well wishes only" bullshit, to the gap, to the paying for only some people's meals, to the not paying for their drinks.

Every single person you invite - by any method, be that verbal, formal written invitations, or Facebook event pages - MUST be hosted (i.e., paid for) BY YOU. No exceptions. What you are planning to do is incredibly rude and inappropriate.

mlg78 · February 2015

Well this sounds like a freaking train wreck.

climbingsingle · February 2015

OP, I'm sorry, but I think you were wearing your bad idea pants when you came up with this.

mikenberger · February 2015

climbingwife said:
OP, I'm sorry, but I think you were wearing your bad idea pants when you came up with this.

I think it was a whole freaking suit. And Fun Fact Friday:

When Google image searching "bad suit gif" this gem pops up:

Wedding Supper...open to all but only immediate family is paid for - any ideas?

Re: Wedding Supper...open to all but only immediate family is paid for - any ideas?

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