No gifts, PLEASE

SmileDamnit · February 2015

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

ashley8918 said:

KatieinBkln said:
clipped...
Today has been a veritable treasure trove of delightful blasts from the past.

Gay wallets! Trailer park danger! Pancake poverty!

I love all of it.
I'm feeling nostalgic!

…camo bedding…libraries are dumb…BSC grandma & bless your heart husband...

levieenrose · February 2015

I don't think it matters why the parents don't want gifts brought to the party.

Saying, "Hey I already bought this, and I'd like so-and-so to have it. May I give it quietly?" is different from being flagrantly rude in response to their (most likely unintentional) rudeness. If my friends bullied my silly idiosyncrasies in public, I'd feel disrespected and embarrassed.

Maybe they privately judge my silliness, and hopefully if it was bad enough they'd approach me and save me from making an ass of myself in front of everyone else. But by behaving otherwise you're basically saying to everyone else that you judge your friend, their opinions or preferences are wrong, and you're going to publicly antagonize them.

BTW, I was lead to believe that the reason that it is rude to say "no presents" is because you imply that you expect that people are going to be buying/bringing presents. You all make it sound as though this is expected for this kind of event (which I would maintain that it is not). But if that's actually the case in all of your circles, then I don't see how you can argue that the notation on the invitation is rude...

lyndausvi · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:
I think it's kind-of sad parents can't simply have a celebration of their kids birthday without all the gifts.

It appears from this and other threads it's all or nothing. The consensus seem to be if you don't want gifts don't have a party.

I feel like you can have one without the other. I mean I've given b-days gifts without attending a party, why can't you do the opposite?

I wouldn't make such a request, but if I did and my SIL still gave a gift I might just be a bitch and give the gift away immediately.

See, I would be exactly 0% offended if someone gave my gift away. I'd be a little curious as to why they wanted to give my shiny new thing away rather than using my gift to replace whatever junk they claim they don't want anymore, but I wouldn't stress.

Unless I buy someone a monogrammed diamond necklace or make them something with my own hands (haha, I don't craft) I consider it fair game for re-gifting or Goodwill.

Well you are a reasonable person. I have a feeling that the aunt who has been buying gifts since xmas isn't going to be as understanding.

I've been there, spent all this time getting the perfect gift only to be disappointed that the receiver didn't think it was so prefect. Sure it's a chance you get being a gift giver. But in this case it's known gifts are not wanted. It's been tackily stated. I just don't see why someone would give a gift that is not wanted? Seems silly to me.

Now if the child was older, that is different. With a 1 year old the gift receiver is the parents. Older child it's not.

To the bold - it could not be a replacement, but an item not wanted or needed. Even if it is meant to be a replacement often the original is the one the child want to play with or the parent likes to use.

flantastic · February 2015

lyndausvi said:

KatieinBkln said:
I think it's kind-of sad parents can't simply have a celebration of their kids birthday without all the gifts.

It appears from this and other threads it's all or nothing. The consensus seem to be if you don't want gifts don't have a party.

I feel like you can have one without the other. I mean I've given b-days gifts without attending a party, why can't you do the opposite?

I wouldn't make such a request, but if I did and my SIL still gave a gift I might just be a bitch and give the gift away immediately.
See, I would be exactly 0% offended if someone gave my gift away. I'd be a little curious as to why they wanted to give my shiny new thing away rather than using my gift to replace whatever junk they claim they don't want anymore, but I wouldn't stress.

Unless I buy someone a monogrammed diamond necklace or make them something with my own hands (haha, I don't craft) I consider it fair game for re-gifting or Goodwill.

Well you are a reasonable person. I have a feeling that the aunt who has been buying gifts since xmas isn't going to be as understanding.

I've been there, spent all this time getting the perfect gift only to be disappointed that the receiver didn't think it was so prefect. Sure it's a chance you get being a gift giver. But in this case it's known gifts are not wanted. It's been tackily stated. I just don't see why someone would give a gift that is not wanted? Seems silly to me.

Now if the child was older, that is different. With a 1 year old the gift receiver is the parents. Older child it's not.

To the bold - it could not be a replacement, but an item not wanted or needed. Even if it is meant to be a replacement often the original is the one the child want to play with or the parent likes to use.

I'm considering instituting a rule for my kids that if they receive a new toy, they have to pick a toy to give away. It's possible that one day the kids will tell MIL, "Could you stop giving us things? We have to give away our more fun toys when you do that"... which honestly I would find hilarious. That or they'll get wise and choose the thing just received if they don't prefer it.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

WinstonsGirl said:
My SIL has been saying this after last Christmas. Or, at least she wants to put a limit on the gifts. We like to spoil our niece/nephews cos we're not planning on having kids and we can.

I'd still show up with a gift, but it would be more likely to be clothing or books over toys. My SIL actually said no more books (I would be given free ones from co-workers to give to them). I don't understand at all turning down free books. Both kids love to read and love getting new books. I'd be wanting to encourage that as a parent.

I always get my niece books too. Every gift-giving occasion comes with at least one book. And usually my "just because" gifts are books too. I love to read and I hope that books as a child will spur a love for reading in her.

That said, my brother (her father) hates to read. Not sure about my SIL as I've only met her twice but I did see a few books on her bookshelf once when I was there.

It'll be interesting to see in a few years when I go to AZ if any of my gifts are on my niece's shelves. I'm not holding out hope to be honest. My mom sends me pics of my niece with the stuffed animals or games I've given her- never seen one damn pic with her and a book.

climbingsingle · February 2015

What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!

Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?

ashley8918 · February 2015

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?

I missed the talk about the past tomfoolery today.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
I missed the talk about the past tomfoolery today.

JCB's gift thread.

climbingsingle · February 2015

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?

The pancakes.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.

Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

SmileDamnit said:

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

ashley8918 said:

KatieinBkln said:
clipped...
Today has been a veritable treasure trove of delightful blasts from the past.

Gay wallets! Trailer park danger! Pancake poverty!

I love all of it.
I'm feeling nostalgic!
…camo bedding…libraries are dumb…BSC grandma & bless your heart husband...

Oh man, I forgot about that poster that thought libraries were dumb.

KatieinBkln · February 2015

I don't think it matters why the parents don't want gifts brought to the party.

Saying, "Hey I already bought this, and I'd like so-and-so to have it. May I give it quietly?" is different from being flagrantly rude in response to their (most likely unintentional) rudeness. If my friends bullied my silly idiosyncrasies in public, I'd feel disrespected and embarrassed.

Maybe they privately judge my silliness, and hopefully if it was bad enough they'd approach me and save me from making an ass of myself in front of everyone else. But by behaving otherwise you're basically saying to everyone else that you judge your friend, their opinions or preferences are wrong, and you're going to publicly antagonize them.

BTW, I was lead to believe that the reason that it is rude to say "no presents" is because you imply that you expect that people are going to be buying/bringing presents. You all make it sound as though this is expected for this kind of event (which I would maintain that it is not). But if that's actually the case in all of your circles, then I don't see how you can argue that the notation on the invitation is rude...

Hoooooold up re: the bolded. Explain to me how showing up with an unwanted present is equivalent to "bullying" someone. That doesn't make any sense.

And no one here is saying that the OP shouldn't "read the room" when she gets to the party--if she sees a pile of gifts because everyone else (reasonably) assumed that a birthday party was a good place to bring a small present, then she can add hers to the pile. If she shows up and everyone is emptyhanded, well, it can stay in the car until another time, or she can give it discreetly. I don't think anyone has suggested that she should elaborately deliver the gift with as much fanfare as possible, drawing attention to the host's discomfort. That would be shitty, but no one has suggested that.

levieenrose · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:
I don't think it matters why the parents don't want gifts brought to the party.

Saying, "Hey I already bought this, and I'd like so-and-so to have it. May I give it quietly?" is different from being flagrantly rude in response to their (most likely unintentional) rudeness. If my friends bullied my silly idiosyncrasies in public, I'd feel disrespected and embarrassed.

Maybe they privately judge my silliness, and hopefully if it was bad enough they'd approach me and save me from making an ass of myself in front of everyone else. But by behaving otherwise you're basically saying to everyone else that you judge your friend, their opinions or preferences are wrong, and you're going to publicly antagonize them.

BTW, I was lead to believe that the reason that it is rude to say "no presents" is because you imply that you expect that people are going to be buying/bringing presents. You all make it sound as though this is expected for this kind of event (which I would maintain that it is not). But if that's actually the case in all of your circles, then I don't see how you can argue that the notation on the invitation is rude...

Hoooooold up re: the bolded. Explain to me how showing up with an unwanted present is equivalent to "bullying" someone. That doesn't make any sense.

And no one here is saying that the OP shouldn't "read the room" when she gets to the party--if she sees a pile of gifts because everyone else (reasonably) assumed that a birthday party was a good place to bring a small present, then she can add hers to the pile. If she shows up and everyone is emptyhanded, well, it can stay in the car until another time, or she can give it discreetly. I don't think anyone has suggested that she should elaborately deliver the gift with as much fanfare as possible, drawing attention to the host's discomfort. That would be shitty, but no one has suggested that.

Heavy-handed or not, I still think that disregarding expressed wishes (regardless of what everyone else is doing) is an unkind gesture towards the friend. I do generally advocate for reading a situation and drawing a conclusion at the event, as I mentioned before.

I was speaking in generalities about disrespecting wishes of friends and I didn't suggest that any PP would have presented a gift in a look-at-me fashion. But in presenting a gift at an event for which you were requested not to do so, you are still non-verbally communicating that you (perhaps along with everyone else in the room, and most likely for self gratification purposes) don't respect their requests.

Perhaps I didn't use the best choice of words and I can see how in this context it sounded a bit extreme. However, if a friend repeatedly publicly expressed (verbally or not and with fanfare or not) that my requests didn't matter to them, then it would be time for me to end that friendship.

Again, I'm not saying that anyone here has repeatedly or is repeatedly making those choices. I'm just trying to point out how easy it is to assume that something which is not a big deal to one person may actually be consequential or even hurtful to another.

KatieinBkln · February 2015

I don't think it matters why the parents don't want gifts brought to the party.

Saying, "Hey I already bought this, and I'd like so-and-so to have it. May I give it quietly?" is different from being flagrantly rude in response to their (most likely unintentional) rudeness. If my friends bullied my silly idiosyncrasies in public, I'd feel disrespected and embarrassed.

Maybe they privately judge my silliness, and hopefully if it was bad enough they'd approach me and save me from making an ass of myself in front of everyone else. But by behaving otherwise you're basically saying to everyone else that you judge your friend, their opinions or preferences are wrong, and you're going to publicly antagonize them.

BTW, I was lead to believe that the reason that it is rude to say "no presents" is because you imply that you expect that people are going to be buying/bringing presents. You all make it sound as though this is expected for this kind of event (which I would maintain that it is not). But if that's actually the case in all of your circles, then I don't see how you can argue that the notation on the invitation is rude...

Hoooooold up re: the bolded. Explain to me how showing up with an unwanted present is equivalent to "bullying" someone. That doesn't make any sense.

And no one here is saying that the OP shouldn't "read the room" when she gets to the party--if she sees a pile of gifts because everyone else (reasonably) assumed that a birthday party was a good place to bring a small present, then she can add hers to the pile. If she shows up and everyone is emptyhanded, well, it can stay in the car until another time, or she can give it discreetly. I don't think anyone has suggested that she should elaborately deliver the gift with as much fanfare as possible, drawing attention to the host's discomfort. That would be shitty, but no one has suggested that.
Heavy-handed or not, I still think that disregarding expressed wishes (regardless of what everyone else is doing) is an unkind gesture towards the friend. I do generally advocate for reading a situation and drawing a conclusion at the event, as I mentioned before.

I was speaking in generalities about disrespecting wishes of friends and I didn't suggest that any PP would have presented a gift in a look-at-me fashion. But in presenting a gift at an event for which you were requested not to do so, you are still non-verbally communicating that you (perhaps along with everyone else in the room, and most likely for self gratification purposes) don't respect their requests.

Perhaps I didn't use the best choice of words and I can see how in this context it sounded a bit extreme. However, if a friend repeatedly publicly expressed (verbally or not and with fanfare or not) that my requests didn't matter to them, then it would be time for me to end that friendship.

Again, I'm not saying that anyone here has repeatedly or is repeatedly making those choices. I'm just trying to point out how easy it is to assume that something which is not a big deal to one person may actually be consequential or even hurtful to another.

I can see that. Really I can. But in this particular instance, I cannot see how "Boo hoo, I got a present" is valid in any way, shape, or form. Especially since the usual "reasoning" that parents give is "Timmy already has enough stuff," not "It makes me really uncomfortable and is a personal problem that I have that I'm asking you to respect."

And honestly, I do think that there are some personal issues that friends can ask friends to work around. But if you (general) have A Thing about something that is widespread and commonly accepted, there does come a point when it is officially Your Problem to work on, not the responsibility of others to tiptoe around. Obviously friends should, and are often willing, to go out of their way to make a friend comfortable. But I am always wary of the mindset that expects multiple people to inconvenience themselves in order to make one person feel better. The rules are (of course!) different among friends, but there is still a line, I think, where the friend with the sensitivity has to offer the same goodwill to their pals that they expect (i.e., hey, I'm sure they didn't mean to rub my face in it is just as important as Hey, I should think about what I'm doing because it might bother someone).

VulgarGirl · February 2015

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.
Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.

I still don't know if she meat she just ate raw pancake mix or if she actually made pancakes!!

ashley8918 · February 2015

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.
Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.
I still don't know if she meat she just ate raw pancake mix or if she actually made pancakes!!

flutteringinfl · February 2015

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.
Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.
I still don't know if she meat she just ate raw pancake mix or if she actually made pancakes!!

There are some you literally don't need to add anything to. Just pour onto the skillet. Was she eating that one raw just out of spite???

[Deleted User] · February 2015

KatieinBkln · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:
I still laugh at the idea of this woman hunched over a box of dry podwer, shoveling it into her mouth and spewing it in a cloud as she goes "I am SUCH a good friend! I do EVERYTHING for you!"

Because who says "mix"? if she had come in and said "I ate ramen mix / packets for days on end!" I would think "Are you saying you just dumped the salt packet into your mouth?"

I had a friend who did this when we were kids. She'd also pour a little bit of the seasoning onto the dry noodles and break them off as a crunchy snack, but she was certainly not above gobbling that MSG directly from the packet.

It was...a thing.

levioosa · February 2015

flutteringinfl said:

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.
Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.
I still don't know if she meat she just ate raw pancake mix or if she actually made pancakes!!
There are some you literally don't need to add anything to. Just pour onto the skillet. Was she eating that one raw just out of spite???

Apparently it was literally the powder. Because eggs or oil were too expensive and her devotion was proven by her determination to down as much mix as possible. Man would I have loved to hear that attempt at a guilt trip with her friend.

flutteringinfl · February 2015

KatieinBkln said:

pinkrevenge said:
I still laugh at the idea of this woman hunched over a box of dry podwer, shoveling it into her mouth and spewing it in a cloud as she goes "I am SUCH a good friend! I do EVERYTHING for you!"

Because who says "mix"? if she had come in and said "I ate ramen mix / packets for days on end!" I would think "Are you saying you just dumped the salt packet into your mouth?"
I had a friend who did this when we were kids. She'd also pour a little bit of the seasoning onto the dry noodles and break them off as a crunchy snack, but she was certainly not above gobbling that MSG directly from the packet.

It was...a thing.

A guy I went to college with would just take the dry ramen squares and eat them like a giant cracker.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

levioosa · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:

levioosa said:

Apparently it was literally the powder. Because eggs or oil were too expensive and her devotion was proven by her determination to down as much mix as possible. Man would I have loved to hear that attempt at a guilt trip with her friend.
Could you just imagine someone saying that? She also said she had two jobs.
How are you fucking up your budget that badly?

I honestly probably would have laughed in their face. I've done some creating Mcguyvering with my budget/resources, but I've never resorted to only eating pancake mix (which, incidentally, doesn't actually sound like it would be as inexpensive as she thought it was). How is buying boxed pancake mix cheaper than going to the 99 cent store and buying their produce and food? I really want her to come back to explain her logic.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

levioosa said:

flutteringinfl said:

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.
Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.
I still don't know if she meat she just ate raw pancake mix or if she actually made pancakes!!
There are some you literally don't need to add anything to. Just pour onto the skillet. Was she eating that one raw just out of spite???
Apparently it was literally the powder. Because eggs or oil were too expensive and her devotion was proven by her determination to down as much mix as possible. Man would I have loved to hear that attempt at a guilt trip with her friend.

Um. Every single pancake mix I have EVER used has required water. No eggs. No oil. And I love a lot of people but I do not think I love anyone enough to live off plain dry pancake mix for their wedding. What even possesses someone to think that.

bizzy592 · February 2015

I have a niece (5 y/o now) who is not just an only child, but an only grandchild. Cute as hell. But, we were all so excited to have someone to buy toys for, as well as completely practical baby outfits (a white silk dress with matching beret seems like a great idea for a toddler, right?), that she was spoiled rotten quickly.

Although they didn't put it in caps on an invite, her parents have made the request prior to her birthday and Christmas to forgo gifts, or limit it to one or two. Because frankly, she was turning into an entitled demon child.

This (albeit rude) request of your FSIL could be an attempt to nip bad behavior in the bud. I'd reach out to her.

levioosa · February 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:

levioosa said:

flutteringinfl said:

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:

lolo883 said:

climbingwife said:
What is this pancake tomfoolery I missed?!?!
Do you mean the original tomfoolery or reference of the tomfoolery?
The pancakes.
Etiquette a few months ago, SS was pissed that friends didn't get her a wedding gift even though she "literally ate pancake mix for several days" to afford a present for their wedding.
I still don't know if she meat she just ate raw pancake mix or if she actually made pancakes!!
There are some you literally don't need to add anything to. Just pour onto the skillet. Was she eating that one raw just out of spite???
Apparently it was literally the powder. Because eggs or oil were too expensive and her devotion was proven by her determination to down as much mix as possible. Man would I have loved to hear that attempt at a guilt trip with her friend.
Um. Every single pancake mix I have EVER used has required water. No eggs. No oil. And I love a lot of people but I do not think I love anyone enough to live off plain dry pancake mix for their wedding. What even possesses someone to think that.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

levioosa said:

YOU DON'T KNOW HER LYFE!!!

If she's eating plain dry pancake mix, I don't think I WANT to know her lyfe hahaha.

Etf that awful quote tree.

Knottie67053264 · February 2015

Open up a 529 College fund for that child immediately. Anyone can donate to it and my son's fund accrued dramatically. Also-tax free if used for education. This is something that has served him well and he very much appreciated it-not the tons of plastic, etc., that he has no memory of and have long since disappeared. It's so hard not to give a gift! I know! A little something/something age appropriate-but put your money where it will really matter. If not a 529, then a savings account. Probably late to the party here...I only read the first page...hiding my face in shame now.

No gifts, PLEASE

Re: No gifts, PLEASE

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