Breakup Advice

lacqueredlover · March 2015

larrygaga said:
I've never been through a break-up, but it's considered grieving! I always think that's interesting, most people don't realize that you lost something so huge that you have to grieve.

I recommend being as self-indulgent as possible while waiting it out. You;ll feel better with time and realize that he is not the man for you!

I would not be surprised at all if he came crawling back apologizing. Do you have a plan for that, or have you thought about what you will say to him? You don't want to be caught off guard, I think.

I have thought about it and we have talked and things were said that could never be unsaid. I don't see us ending up back together. He knows he broke my trust and my heart and for me, there is really no coming back from that.

danamw · March 2015

The only way past it, is through it! That is the cliché I think fits breakups. And a very true thing is, it takes time. And you are doing right, keeping other things in your head, and not letting this breakup be the only thing in your world.

I have found with getting over anything, it is "two steps forward, and one back" in recovering. This is your one step back.

If he does decide he wants you again, I hope you don't automatically take him back. Most people's fathers die before they do, and they don't discard their whole lives because of it. That isn't healthy.

chibiyui · March 2015

Everyone has given great advice already, so I'm just going to drop some gifs.

princessleia22 · March 2015

This article has awesome advice:

21 People Share The Best Advice They’ve Ever Received After A Breakup

Here are a few of my favorites:

4. Try out the baby penguin trick:

“One time my friend sent me a GIF of a little baby penguin running, then falling down, and getting back up again and continuing to run like nothing happened. She said, ‘Look, if the little penguin can fall over and keep going, so can you.’ We still talk about that baby penguin when other bumps in the road come up.”

21 People Share The Best Advice They've Ever Received After A Breakup

6. Think of that person, formerly known as your significant other, at their lowest:

“I like to imagine the person pooping. Every time I miss him, I think of him being really constipated on the toilet. Or really … opposite of constipated. It feels good.”

ohannabelle · March 2015

I'm a big believer in writing things down. When you journal your thoughts and feelings, not only does it provide you with a 100% safe and honest place to vent and release, but sometimes, ideas and really clear insights just happen.

And (most valuable to me about the process) on the days that you feel like your grief is going nowhere and nothing's getting better, it's proof that, yes, you are actually making progress. A few pages back, and I'd say, damn! I actually am getting better. I'm doing better on page 10 than I was on page 5, and I'm sure the hell better than page 1.

That doesn't sound like a lot, but grief is a damned slow and painful process, and it feels like it's going to take forever. Nothing reassured me like actually seeing my own healing at a time when it was hard to see it and believe in it.

All the PPs have excellent advice. Surround yourself with people who love you. Make positive plans for the future. Indulge yourself in whatever small ways that you can. As much as possible, get rid of visual reminders, and music and sounds.

Get a puppy. Nothing makes me happier than nurturing and loving someone else. It's corny, but true. Giving is powerful, and healing. Those feelings come back to you, in spades.

(The county pet adoption center near me constantly needs volunteers, just to snuggle and play with the animals, and take them out of their cages and help them feel loved. If you had even one afternoon a week to do something like that, that's some amazing therapy.)

ChemFanatic25 · March 2015

lacqueredlover said:

onefootinthebayou said:

novella1186 said:
Some advice that helped me:
1. Getting over a breakup is a process, because it's a loss. You have to go through the grieving process and take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others. Some days you'll feel better, and then have a set-back. That's ok. Feel sad. Cry. Have a Sad Day. Then try again tomorrow.

2. There is someone way more amazing out there who is dying to meet, and has been waiting for you.

3. Love yourself. Samantha puts it quite eloquently:

4. Treat yourself to guilty pleasures; trashy tv, funny movies, junk food, shopping

5. Working out really hard and physically pushing myself always helped, as well as reading a book to keep my mind occupied

6. Get excited about what the future has in store for you now, because the possibilities are endless and so many good things are going to happen to you.

7. Keep making progress one day at a time, because a ship sailing backwards never sees the sunrise (Denise says that on the Cosby show)

8. This quote:

And sorry for the cliches, but they have always really helped me to keep going. And in the spirit of that, I will add just one more quote that is my most favorite in the world, so I've posted it on these boards many times, because it has gotten me through some serious shit:

If you are going through hell, keep going
-Winston Churchill
All of this.

When I went through a particularly horrific break-up, as a grown woman I cried on my dad's shoulder. He comforted me and said "It's OK". The second I finished crying he said, "Alright, that's enough now. Move on." I guess it helps to know my dad - kind, loving, and emotional but tough as hell, driven, and competitive. That spirit of moving forward inspired me to make sure every day I felt a little better and wouldn't allow myself to backslide, even if I had to force the thoughts of the ex out of my head by thinking of something else.

I mentioned in a previous post I went to Nicaragua on a surf trip. I came back having had an incredible experience and new memories that further helped force the ex out of my mind. That may not be practical but I know you have that upcoming trip to New Orleans to look forward to and I PROMISE you, that city has a magical effect on people. The sky at night in New Orleans can be absolutely breathtaking.

I'm going to PM you a few of my favorite haunts and even a few friendly industry people to seek out for a great meal and an expertly mixed cocktail. I even have a sweet single guy in mind if you're ready for a little flirting I was just there last week with my mom and we were out until 3am having fun and making new friends.

Your story broke my heart when I first read it and the way you are handling it, despite moments of sadness, is the epitome of grace and class. You are an inspiration to me in terms of how to face adversity head on in a productive way as I'm sure you are to countless others on here and IRL who are reading and not commenting. I'm traveling for work this week but keep an eye out for a PM from me on some local-approved Nola advice

Keep your chin up and move forward, you have a lot of people pulling for you!
Haha well I"m going to New Orleans on a bachelorette party but I heard we are going to a brunch with drag queens so I"m happy

When I broke up with my ex I actually made plans to go to NOLA! Grant it, I ended up not going until November because of weather, work, and other things BUT I put my heart and soul into planning that trip. I wanted to find myself and while planning that trip I did so many other things. I know that my ex and I breaking up was a mutual thing but it still was a huge change in my life.

You're going through a huge change as well. You probably already "found yourself" or maybe you didn't but I recommend going and doing things that you enjoy whether it's with friends or by yourself. Have a good cry beacuse it's okay to feel sad - you're not a robot. Then go and do what makes you happy (and is legal). Sorry if the advice is cliche but it is what my therapist recommended to me.

esstee33 · March 2015

There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, and there's a ton of good advice in this thread. I really just want to say I'm sorry you're having a shitty day, and I'd hug the pee right out of you if I could.

Honestly, the major breakups I've gone through have involved lots of wine, bubble baths, and wallowing. Sometimes I'd feel SO miserable and nothing would help, so I'd make myself a mix of the saddest music I owned, cry until I couldn't cry anymore, and just FEEL ALL THE THINGS to get it out of my system. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to have days like this -- and you're going to have many more, I'm sure. Just cry, even if you're "not a crier." Let yourself feel your feelings. Stifling them is not going to help you move past them. You'll be OK again too. It might not be OK today, and maybe not next week or next month, but one of these days you're going to be over it and not sad anymore.

peachy13 · March 2015

I know it's such a cliche, but time really does mend a broken heart. It just sucks that you have to wait for time to pass; obviously it's not going to be an overnight change. We're all here for you and our hearts are broken with you knowing that you're going through this. Keep in mind too that someday when the pain passes (and it will pass) you can have crushes again and kiss again and love again. And until then:

badbnagdway · March 2015

These ladies know you much better than me, and have given great advice. Give yourself time and slack. I have been the girl suddenly crying in public after a break-up, you are not alone.

It usually helps me to watch some break-up friendly movies. My top choices: Little Black Book (ok, it's not an Oscar worthy movie, but something about the fact that a plucky Brittany Murphy finds satisfaction and fulfillment in her work is very appealing, especially during a break-up), He's Just Not that Into You (the title should really continue, "But Someone Else Will Be, and You're Better Off Without That Jerk Anyway"), and 500 Days of Summer (I actually credit this last one for giving me the gumption to break off a long relationship that just wasn't quite right -- it made me realize that every day you are with the wrong person potentially takes away time you'll have with the right one).

FiancB · March 2015

Everybody here has really good advice. I think the most surprising thing about the process of a breakup is that eventually you wonder why the fuck you were ever with this person. There's the obvious reason for breakup, and then you remember these things that you begin to realize you really couldn't have lived with. Maybe it's mental gymnastics, idk, but it helps. Granted some people manage to stay friends with their exes; I on the other hand am apparently a vindictive bitch and am struck by how much I grow to hate them.

Like when my ex FI broke up, it was amicable at first. We both knew it needed to happen. We said that maybe after some time apart things would change and we'd want to be together again. We'd stay friends. Well after giving it some time, I got really angry and came up with basically a thousand reasons that he's a fucking creep and I want nothing to do with him, ever, and it's insane that I ever gave him the time of day let alone considered marrying him.

Maybe that's not healthy. But it is pretty normal. In any case, it's nice to look back and be thankful things didn't work out. It happens, probably sooner than you think it will.

Writing certainly helps. You can even write it in the form of a letter to him without actually sending it. Write down all your darkest thoughts, call him names, tell him you hope he gets assfucked with a cactus drizzled in sriracha. Don't bother being sensible. You'll feel better, I promise.

esstee33 · March 2015

badbnagdway said:
These ladies know you much better than me, and have given great advice. Give yourself time and slack. I have been the girl suddenly crying in public after a break-up, you are not alone.

It usually helps me to watch some break-up friendly movies. My top choices: Little Black Book (ok, it's not an Oscar worthy movie, but something about the fact that a plucky Brittany Murphy finds satisfaction and fulfillment in her work is very appealing, especially during a break-up), He's Just Not that Into You (the title should really continue, "But Someone Else Will Be, and You're Better Off Without That Jerk Anyway"), and 500 Days of Summer (I actually credit this last one for giving me the gumption to break off a long relationship that just wasn't quite right -- it made me realize that every day you are with the wrong person potentially takes away time you'll have with the right one).

Oh man, yeah -- breakup movies are super cathartic for me. 500 Days of Summer is an A+ choice.

I think I've watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind after every major breakup I've had since it came out, heh.

See also, if you want to REALLY wallow: Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.

falsara · March 2015

These ladies have it super covered. Your blanket looks amazing!!!! I'm sorry today wasn't as awesome as it could have been. I'm just gonna leave this right here.

JennyColada · March 2015

I spent a lot of nights surrounding myself with multiple pillows and listening to the Teagan and Sara station on my Pandora.

esstee33 · March 2015

JennyColada said:
I spent a lot of nights surrounding myself with multiple pillows and listening to the Teagan and Sara station on my Pandora.

LOOK ME IN THE EYYYYYYE AND TELL ME YOU DON'T FIND ME ATTRACTIVE.

JennyColada · March 2015

esstee33 said:

JennyColada said:
I spent a lot of nights surrounding myself with multiple pillows and listening to the Teagan and Sara station on my Pandora.
LOOK ME IN THE EYYYYYYE AND TELL ME YOU DON'T FIND ME ATTRACTIVE.

It was BAD.

But it was nice because I could just turn up the volume and my roommates would hear the music and creep in and just lay down with me. So it was a nice way to announce "CUDDLE ME PLZ" without it being too AW.

kaitlynmichelle · March 2015

Ok that blanket is gorgeous. Well done!

mlg78 · March 2015

The book It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken really helped me when my boyfriend before my husband abruptly ended our relationship. It put into print things that I thought were only in my head.

lc07 · March 2015

The blanket looks amazing, lacquered! Grief is just plain hard. My exH and I separated almost a year ago. It's still really hard. It helped me when my psych told me that going through a divorce is the same grieving process as mourning a death or finding out that you have a terminal illness. It's rough stuff. You are also mourning the loss of the future you had planned with him. I am still mourning the loss of the children we never had etc. Annabelle's advice about journaling is spot on. It can get really hard to see the progress you've made when you have days like today and it would be great for you to be able to re-read your journal when you feel this way.

hellosweetie1015 · March 2015

This may not work for you as it is, since you're in NYC, but the best thing I did right after my last long-term relationship ended was to find music that fit my mood (angry works better usually, but Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts got a TON of playtime because it was equal parts fury and pain), plug it into my stereo, crank it up as loud as it could reasonably go, and DRIVE. My old car was fantastic for that. I blew through a half tank once, got thoroughly lost, and I'm reasonably sure that's how I blew a speaker.

Journaling is fantastic. If you're raging, write it down. Scribble with red pen if that's what you're feeling. If you're feeling sad, put it down. Name it, give it a space to exist, and then close the cover on it. It's a weight lifted.

And go spend some time with puppies. Frrl. Even if it's only thirty minutes at a shelter, puppy snuggles are the best.

You are a fantastic, brilliant, lovely, thoughtful, amazing young woman. You got this!!!!

Junebug2015 · March 2015

"Three months from now, none of this is even going to matter." (they were right)

Maybe it won't be three months, but the only thing that makes breakups feel better is time. And once you have enough time to heal, you can look back at the situation with a clear head and realize "Wow. I'm better off now."

I don't have any advice to get through the sucky part of that except wine and really good friends who can make you laugh and who will be there for you when you're upset.

novella1186 · March 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:
This may not work for you as it is, since you're in NYC, but the best thing I did right after my last long-term relationship ended was to find music that fit my mood (angry works better usually, but Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts got a TON of playtime because it was equal parts fury and pain), plug it into my stereo, crank it up as loud as it could reasonably go, and DRIVE. My old car was fantastic for that. I blew through a half tank once, got thoroughly lost, and I'm reasonably sure that's how I blew a speaker.

Journaling is fantastic. If you're raging, write it down. Scribble with red pen if that's what you're feeling. If you're feeling sad, put it down. Name it, give it a space to exist, and then close the cover on it. It's a weight lifted.

And go spend some time with puppies. Frrl. Even if it's only thirty minutes at a shelter, puppy snuggles are the best.

You are a fantastic, brilliant, lovely, thoughtful, amazing young woman. You got this!!!!

I actually came back to suggest this exact thing. I used to go for long drives in my car and blast any kind of angry/sad/bitch-tastic music. Jar of Hearts was a common one for me, and pretty much anything by Adele or Alanis Morrisette, or Christina Aguilara's "You Lost Me"

I remembered the music thing because last night in the car, a song came on the radio and FI started to laugh. He said that song had come out right when his old gf dumped him and he was so horribly sad and depressed. And then he said, "Ha, why the fuck did I ever feel sad over her?"

And that's the best thing. Eventually you'll turn a corner. You'll wake up one day and realize you feel fine, and maybe you'll be a little surprised by how fine you are. It will just kind of be like "Huh... I don't care anymore." And from there, that will turn into, "Wait... why did I care?" You'll get to such a good place in your life, that's so much better than where you were, that you'll remember how sad you used to be and wonder why you were so sad.

At that point, you'll smile, because your life is now so fucking awesome that you would never go back for anything in the world. It only gets better from here.

lacqueredlover · March 2015

Honestly most days I'm doing pretty well. Yesterday was just a really sad day for some reason, it was just really hard for me and then I heard from him for the first time in like a week so it was rough.

But then I went to soul cycle and biked out my feelings and honestly it helped a lot. I can't be one to wallow or do breakup movies or sad songs but I just am trying to not beat myself up for the days I'm sad and know that it will pass.

Thanks for all the tips ladies!

levioosa · March 2015

I'm glad you're doing better today! I'm a little late to the game, but I'll still give my two cents.

I am so sorry you are going through this. When my ex broke up with me after six years, it was devastating. And then I got angry, which did help a lot. Honestly, the thing that helped the most was acknowledging the grief and giving myself time to all out ugly cry and grieve. I allowed myself a day per year and then I told myself I would get up, and start moving on.

I journaled, which was very cathartic. I worked out, I cried, I focused on the future. When I look back now I realize how strong I am and how far I've come. It took about two weeks for me to feel close to functioning, and then another month to really start feeling better. I also changed all of my passwords that I had to enter in daily (or multiple times a day) to something that was uplifting (stuff like youareworthy, youareloved, etc). Even though I was down, it helped remind me that I am awesome and that it was his loss, not mine. I also sat down and wrote a list of my strengths, just to remind myself that I have so much to offer to the world. It was definitely a process of actively loving myself even though I felt abandoned and unloved. I realized that I had let some parts of me fall to the wayside in my relationship, and he had tried to squash other parts that he didn't approve of. Fuck that. Be you. Do your thing. Love yourself and fuck whoever can't see that you're awesome.

It's good that you're getting out and doing things. Keeping busy is important. Set goals for yourself. Do things for you. Make a list of things that make you happy, and then go do those things. It will be hard for a little while, but you're going to be okay. You're going to make it. You're going to be stronger than ever. *Hugs*

Oh, and sad, sappy breakup movies aren't my thing either. After a breakup I go for shit with zero romance in it, usually involving some kind of corny explosions or fight scenes.

crackktheskyy · March 2015

I lurk more than I post on here, but I just wanted to say that everyone is really pulling for you, and your story totally breaks my heart because you seem like such a sweet person.

I think you've received a ton of really great advice. I just wanted to say that you should keep on loving yourself and doing nice things for yourself. Get a manicure, go on a hike, get your sweet dog, watch your favorite movies, go out for a cocktail with some good friends, laugh really hard, cry really hard, redecorate, and take some time to yourself just to enjoy your own company.

I dated a man with a son for 3 years and I can very vividly remember the grieving -- some days felt just fine and others felt so bad I didn't want to get out of bed in hopes that the next time I woke up it would be to another day that felt just fine again. My heart really goes out to you.

I think one of the best things that I did was to create my own space that was symbolic to me of tranquility, strength, and courage -- as silly as that might sound. I redecorated my entire living room the exact way I wanted it and I didn't give a fuck what anyone else said. I did the whole room up in teal and yellow because teal and yellow make me happy. I bought curtains with birds on them because I fucking like birds and didn't care if people thought they were ugly. I bought a turntable and sat on my couch in my newly designed living room and I would stay up at night, listening to music that made me happy, drinking apple cinnamon tea, burning candles that smelled like calmness, and reminding myself that this was my space, that I could live my life on my terms, and that I have so much ahead of me to feel excited about.

During these times, I think there's nothing more important than loving yourself and learning how wonderful time with yourself can be. Keep your chin up but also remember that it's totally important to take some sad days, too.

dcbride86 · March 2015

As per usual, Novella is the wisest one. I will say, when I broke up with my ex of 6 years, dating did the most to help me get over him. I joined a dating site and dated a ton. It kept me busy, and kept my mind off my ex. Granted, the situation with my ex and I was totally different than your situation, and everyone heals differently, but I found dating to be a fun way to help me get over it.

novella1186 · March 2015

dcbride86 said:
As per usual, Novella is the wisest one. I will say, when I broke up with my ex of 6 years, dating did the most to help me get over him. I joined a dating site and dated a ton. It kept me busy, and kept my mind off my ex. Granted, the situation with my ex and I was totally different than your situation, and everyone heals differently, but I found dating to be a fun way to help me get over it.

Aw thanks!

Breakup Advice

Re: Breakup Advice

4. Try out the baby penguin trick:

6. Think of that person, formerly known as your significant other, at their lowest:

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