Wedding Etiquette Forum

Self-Addressed Thank You Notes

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Re: Self-Addressed Thank You Notes

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    antoto said:

    Bleh this hostess sounds like a hot Pinterest mess.  Although I disagree that an evite like Paperless Post or something is tacky.  Everything else is disgusting though.  A cash bar?  Seriously?

    Unfortunately, I've been to a few showers with a cash bar. The worst was when we were presented with a bill at our table at the end of the shower. It's one thing to have a bar in the room where people have to pay for their drinks, but to not be aware when the server comes around and asks what you want to drink. And I only had cranberry juice. Never ever do this to people.
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  • edited June 2015
  • This seems to be the trend these days. I asked my BM not to do that and that I would handle the envelopes for my thank you myself. To make it easier for me and my BM I even printed a spreadsheets with all the guests names and addresse with a space next to each guest for them to write the gift that they gave me. This way my BM only had to find the name on the list and write the guest given, then I took the spreadsheet & had a legible list of who came and gave what gift with their address right away too. I was able to get 60 thank you cards done in 2 days. As for the parking, any type of event where you invite people to where parking will be charged, if you aren't covering the charge then you should include that information on the invite so that the guest can have cash to cover it. Very often people don't carry cash on them all the time these days.

  • edited June 2015
  • At my shower, some of my close family members attended, but were unable to bring a gift. Money is tough for some of them, and honestly, a lot of the time, any extra money they have to spend is a gift from me. They came to my shower to be there for me, because they love me. My maid of honor asked if I wanted to do this with the envelopes, and I said no. I'm extra glad I didn't now, because how bad would my family members feel if they came in and were asked to address thank you cards for a gift they didn't bring?
    busyizzy83
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:

    larrygaga said:

    It's annoying and classless, but it doesn't make you much better to make a fuss in public. Dramaaaa



    Although I would be thankful to get a fucking thank you note, which I never do....from anyone....ever


    I was thinking this, too. I could not imagine refusing to do it and making the person asking me to do it feel awkward and uncomfortable.
    I don't think it's dramatic to tell someone what they're doing is wrong.
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    lovegood90busyizzy83
  • AddieCake said:

    larrygaga said:

    It's annoying and classless, but it doesn't make you much better to make a fuss in public. Dramaaaa



    Although I would be thankful to get a fucking thank you note, which I never do....from anyone....ever


    I was thinking this, too. I could not imagine refusing to do it and making the person asking me to do it feel awkward and uncomfortable.
    I don't think it's dramatic to tell someone what they're doing is wrong.
    Technically it's poor etiquette to call someone out on their poor etiquette. And if you do this after it head already taken place, what does causing a scene accomplish?
    AddieCakepoodledoodleoookkitkat79bizzy592
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I never knew filling out the envelopes was tacky until I came here. My mom wanted to do it for my shower, but I ended up forgetting my envelopes.....

    Anyway. I usually just fill out my address for them and won't hold it against anyone unless they commit bigger or other blunders. 

    Shower tackiness in general I try not to hold against the bride/mom, unless I know they had a hand in it somehow.
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    Anniversary
  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I address my own reminder card for the dentist.

    So unless you want your event to be as fun as a visit to the dentist's office, don't do this.

    But, I mean, I would have done it. Because I'm not one to rock the boat.
    antoto[Deleted User]busyizzy83
  • antoto said:

    Bleh this hostess sounds like a hot Pinterest mess.  Although I disagree that an evite like Paperless Post or something is tacky.  Everything else is disgusting though.  A cash bar?  Seriously?

    Unfortunately, I've been to a few showers with a cash bar. The worst was when we were presented with a bill at our table at the end of the shower. It's one thing to have a bar in the room where people have to pay for their drinks, but to not be aware when the server comes around and asks what you want to drink. And I only had cranberry juice. Never ever do this to people.
    Ew. 

    Do I like to have booze at a shower? Sure, it makes watching the bride open her 10th dish towel go quicker. But you can throw a perfectly lovely, socially acceptable shower with no booze, just some water, lemonade and tea with some light snacks would make for a perfectly acceptable post-lunch-time, before dinner-time shower. It's bizarre to me that one would decide to have booze, which is not generally expected, and then make the guests pay for it. Again, ew. 
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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    This is bad etiquette? Shiiiiiiiit. I guess I never gave it a second thought when I got my bridal shower stuff from my MOH and it included self addressed thank you envelopes. In my defense, I had no idea it was being done. I was planning on doing my own thank you notes and stuff and then my MOH said she already had it covered. 

    Damn.
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  • Okay... not condoning or anything but I have (what I believe) are legitimate questions based on what I read above.

    1)   I have 3 showers coming up. One on FI's moms side, one on his dad's side, and then a Jack and Jill (not the kind that you pay money... I didn't realize that was a thing in the States, but meaning just for men and women) for everyone else invited hosted by my side. There will be a bit of overlap - bridal party, an aunt that is close with FI's mom and dad even though they're divorced, etc. Is this really bad etiquette?

    2)   The envelope thing. I totally agree that filling out your own envelope is wrong and it sucks and I would never do that. But what if we don't have their mailing address. FI's mom hand delivered a lot of the the wedding invitations on her side of the family. Is it okay to ask for the addresses, but as long as FMIL writes it down? I don't get it.

    I'm also recovering from food poisoning,so if this comes off very SS please don't judge. I swear I'm not a SS, just dehydrated. 



    JennyColada
  • Okay... not condoning or anything but I have (what I believe) are legitimate questions based on what I read above.

    1)   I have 3 showers coming up. One on FI's moms side, one on his dad's side, and then a Jack and Jill (not the kind that you pay money... I didn't realize that was a thing in the States, but meaning just for men and women) for everyone else invited hosted by my side. There will be a bit of overlap - bridal party, an aunt that is close with FI's mom and dad even though they're divorced, etc. Is this really bad etiquette?

    2)   The envelope thing. I totally agree that filling out your own envelope is wrong and it sucks and I would never do that. But what if we don't have their mailing address. FI's mom hand delivered a lot of the the wedding invitations on her side of the family. Is it okay to ask for the addresses, but as long as FMIL writes it down? I don't get it.

    I'm also recovering from food poisoning,so if this comes off very SS please don't judge. I swear I'm not a SS, just dehydrated. 





    Shower overlap is usually seen as gift grabby -- the purpose of a shower is to give the bride presents so inviting someone to more than one may appear like you're trying to get extra gifts out of them. (Not that you actually are, but that's how it can appear)

    Asking for somebody's address is, of course, perfectly acceptable. Obviously you need to know where to send the Thank You letter. You just shouldn't ask them to address an envelope that is going to get mailed back to them. So either you or the host needs to actually address and stamp the envelopes.

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    fwtx5815
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2015

    Okay... not condoning or anything but I have (what I believe) are legitimate questions based on what I read above.

    1)   I have 3 showers coming up. One on FI's moms side, one on his dad's side, and then a Jack and Jill (not the kind that you pay money... I didn't realize that was a thing in the States, but meaning just for men and women) for everyone else invited hosted by my side. There will be a bit of overlap - bridal party, an aunt that is close with FI's mom and dad even though they're divorced, etc. Is this really bad etiquette?

    2)   The envelope thing. I totally agree that filling out your own envelope is wrong and it sucks and I would never do that. But what if we don't have their mailing address. FI's mom hand delivered a lot of the the wedding invitations on her side of the family. Is it okay to ask for the addresses, but as long as FMIL writes it down? I don't get it.

    I'm also recovering from food poisoning,so if this comes off very SS please don't judge. I swear I'm not a SS, just dehydrated. 





    1) I personally think it's only okay for guest list overlap if it's like, the mom or bridal party or something like that (and even then I would say it would just be as a formality- I wouldn't actually expect them to come to both). I think of it as the perspective- why do you need 2 gifts from people? It just comes off as gift grabby IMO.

    2) If you don't have anyone's addresses, I'd just call them/text them/e-mail them/whatever them and ask. I wouldn't expect anyone else to collect the addresses (since you're the one writing the thank you notes, you know?)

    That really sucks, I hope you feel better from the food poisoning!

    Formerly martha1818

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    fwtx5815
  • larrygaga said:

    It's annoying and classless, but it doesn't make you much better to make a fuss in public. Dramaaaa



    Although I would be thankful to get a fucking thank you note, which I never do....from anyone....ever
    THIS.  Why do I NEVER get a thank you note?  Not from baby showers or wedding showers.  Ever.  I sometimes do for weddings.  
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  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    antoto said:

    THIS.  Why do I NEVER get a thank you note?  Not from baby showers or wedding showers.  Ever.  I sometimes do for weddings.  

    Obviously you haven't been addressing your own envelopes.


    Powers  &8^]

  • fwtx5815fwtx5815 cowboys nation member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    Okay... not condoning or anything but I have (what I believe) are legitimate questions based on what I read above.

    1)   I have 3 showers coming up. One on FI's moms side, one on his dad's side, and then a Jack and Jill (not the kind that you pay money... I didn't realize that was a thing in the States, but meaning just for men and women) for everyone else invited hosted by my side. There will be a bit of overlap - bridal party, an aunt that is close with FI's mom and dad even though they're divorced, etc. Is this really bad etiquette?

    2)   The envelope thing. I totally agree that filling out your own envelope is wrong and it sucks and I would never do that. But what if we don't have their mailing address. FI's mom hand delivered a lot of the the wedding invitations on her side of the family. Is it okay to ask for the addresses, but as long as FMIL writes it down? I don't get it.

    I'm also recovering from food poisoning,so if this comes off very SS please don't judge. I swear I'm not a SS, just dehydrated. 



    I agree with others that it does appear gift grabby to have overlap. But if you're close with your aunt (like she's a mother figure) and it's not just because she has girl bits so=shower invite, then that would make more sense.

    I feel like I've also read on here that wedding invitations should always be mailed. But yes, if you don't already have a guest's address then just ask for it...

    ----


     fka dallasbetch 


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  • LtPowers said:

    antoto said:

    THIS.  Why do I NEVER get a thank you note?  Not from baby showers or wedding showers.  Ever.  I sometimes do for weddings.  

    Obviously you haven't been addressing your own envelopes.


    Powers  &8^]

    Same!  Three weddings within the past year that I have attended and given gifts, without receiving as much as a thank you. 

    Well...except for a, "Thank you so much for the amazing gift! You're so thoughtful!" FB message from one of them. 

    Really?  Is it that difficult to send a thank you card?

    Though, I guess I should be happy that they extended the effort of a TY message at all.
  • dcbride86dcbride86 Washington, DC member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edenisle said:


    LtPowers said:

    antoto said:

    THIS.  Why do I NEVER get a thank you note?  Not from baby showers or wedding showers.  Ever.  I sometimes do for weddings.  

    Obviously you haven't been addressing your own envelopes.


    Powers  &8^]

    Same!  Three weddings within the past year that I have attended and given gifts, without receiving as much as a thank you. 

    Well...except for a, "Thank you so much for the amazing gift! You're so thoughtful!" FB message from one of them. 

    Really?  Is it that difficult to send a thank you card?

    Though, I guess I should be happy that they extended the effort of a TY message at all.




    Are you serious?  Why don't people send thank you notes?  The most recent wedding I went to was almost 2 years ago, and I can't remember if I got a thank you note... I don't remember getting one, but I may have just forgotten. 

    I was embarrassed that the thank you notes for my shower took me a whole week to write and send out.  I can't imagine why it would be difficult for anyone to just not send them.  So rude.

  • Tahnks for clarifying for me :)
  • This happens VERY often around where I am from. I hate hate hate it. Just because other people do it, does not make it okay and less rude. 
  • redoryx said:

    Tacky as hell. 


    My mom has hosted multiple baby and bridal showers over the years. One of her favorites things to give the honoree is a set of thank you cards with the envelopes already addressed and stamped based on all of the invitees (even those that weren't able to come as sometimes they'll still send along a gift). If the host of a shower wants to save the honoree the work of addressing envelopes, THAT is the way to handle it. 



    That is just brilliant.  I'll remember that for any future showers I happen to hostess!


  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Why can't the bride or new mom address envelopes? If her guests took the time to purchase and wrap a gift and attend her shower, she should make the effort to properly thank everyone, including addressing the envelopes.  

                       
    southernbelle0915
  • AddieCake said:

    larrygaga said:

    It's annoying and classless, but it doesn't make you much better to make a fuss in public. Dramaaaa



    Although I would be thankful to get a fucking thank you note, which I never do....from anyone....ever


    I was thinking this, too. I could not imagine refusing to do it and making the person asking me to do it feel awkward and uncomfortable.
    I don't think it's dramatic to tell someone what they're doing is wrong.



    Thank you, Sophabobopha. At most, I thought I may have been a bit snarky, but not really dramatic or annoying or classless, especially since I didn't make a big scene at all.  I actually had that conversation with MOH on the side after I decided not to address my own thank you envelope.  I also don't place a huge importance on whether or not someone is uncomfortable when I point out that they've been thoughtless or rude to me.  Anyone who is rude and thoughtless should expect to be made to feel a bit uncomfortable.

    Mostly I wanted to know if others had this happen and what they thought of the practice and how they (would) handle it.

    The more I think about it, the more it becomes clear if people take no action when others are rude or when rules of etiquette are broken, the less likely the correct way of doing something will be followed.  Can't silence or "going with the flow" also mean tacit agreement?  If the first  the self-addressed envelope scenario had been "called out" or refused, do you think it would have ever made it onto Pinterest?

    Grammar is a great example.  The word "ain't" is now in the dictionary, and people begin sentences with the word "and."  They also use the f-bomb a the drop of a hat.  Does the world stop because of these small details?  No, but it becomes just a slightly less intelligent, thoughtful place.

    Thank you for everyone's input.

  •  

    I've been asked to do this at showers before and it really pisses me off.

    Yeah, I really don't like it. I give you a gift that will most likely be more than $30, it would be appreciated that you could at least write my address.
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